Breastfeeding in front of 5 year old stepson

[Hsolley0904]

I’ve got a 5 week old baby and she’s EBF. Throughout my pregnancy we told him how the baby gets milk from my breasts (he was very intrigued as to what she would eat, suggesting porridge etc 😂). He would mention that it was weird - we reiterated to him that it’s not and it’s very normal and lots of animals feed their babies this way.

Im very comfortable getting my breasts out to feed wherever and whenever as I don’t think women should ever feel like they can’t - I also have an incredibly hungry baby so she feeds A LOT. He makes me feel like I shouldn’t.

Since baby was born, he’s carried on saying it’s weird and recently asked me to do it in another room because he doesn’t want to watch. Again he is only 5. We’ve tried to explain again that it’s just the baby having her dinner etc but he’s making me feel awful. I enjoy breastfeeding and tbh it’s about the only thing I do at the moment. I suffer with PPD and isolating myself to a room all day to feed her is not going to work for me.

can anyone suggest how I might approach this with him?

“It’s okay if you want to go and play with dad / in your room / watch telly while I feed baby if you don’t want to watch.”

The novelty will wear off, he’ll eventually get used to it and ignore. A lot of kids can have the “that’s weird/ that’s yucky” reaction (or be overly interested) to bodily functions at that age.

I thought this too. Your stepson should not be seeing your breasts and even in a breastfeeding situation I think it's not great that he has expressed feeling uncomfortable and you have essentially told him he's wrong to feel that way. He's probably feeling jealous of his new sibling too of course.

Could you drape a large muslin over you? I used to do this if I needed a bit of privacy. It's not a hardship and will keep the peace.

There’s not always a convenient place to go and sometimes it’s nice to continue the conversation with people who have learnt to talk rather than be banished to the next room with the baby. I fed my baby on the bus, in many friends’ living rooms, at the dinner table, in a lecture theatre, in the library, in myriad cafes, in every park we went to, in the airport, on a plane, on trains, in a campground, in the drs waiting room’ Most of the time no one even noticed.

I would stop talking about it. You’ve told him what happens, he doesn’t need to be constantly told. He’s finding things uncomfortable (whether it’s the act of breastfeeding or just feeling left out), let his dad go and play with him in another room. I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep talking about it and making it a thing, it’s probably building it up and making him feel more uncomfortable.

I think you should just ignore it completely and get on with feeding your baby.

He’s 5. If he lives with them like most 5 year olds he will wander into the bathroom while you’re in the bath / shower to use the loo / come and tell you about an interesting thing he saw in the garden. I wouldn’t flash them about & at 5 would be starting to have chats about privacy but young kids aren’t really bothered!

He's perfectly welcome to leave the room

Most 5 year olds you’re related too.

Totally different having your child talking to you while you’re in the shower vs a child who isn’t yours who you met like 3 years ago?

This is quite odd tbh. Is his mum saying something? Needs to be totally normalised. My son is nearly 5 and hasn’t once found me bf weird.
Maybe he ask him why and what he thinks breasts are for?

'Insane'? A woman meeting the needs of a newborn baby that needs to feed very regularly while also trying to meet social obligations is insane? Her FIL could have removed himself if he was uncomfortable. I had absolutely no desire to BF in front of people but out of necessity I ended up doing it in front of family and friends, otherwise I'd have just been locked in the bedroom for six months when people had come to see us (then probably been accused of hiding the baby away). At my FILs where there is a second living room I would go in there but sometimes he would come and bring me a tea and chat, the early feeds can be long and you're just sitting there otherwise in the short time on a visit together. You can't see much anyway once baby is latched.

@Hsolley0904 do you know anyone with a litter of puppies? let him see a litter of puppies being fed? farm animals??? zoo animals??? there are loads of vids on you tube! this is usually the only way to may them understand!!

OP implied in her post that the stepson has been living with them, if he has been there since he was 2 then she’s been around as long as he can remember. It’s quite likely she’s had to take him swimming & get changed, or share a room on hols etc, it doesn’t have to mean anything inappropriate!

Yep - my FIL would usually take himself off to do jobs or put the kettle on but the man had 3 kids of his own and 6 grandkids at this point, he wasn’t phased by a boob.

Why was that insane?
I breast fed in front of my father in law, too. But there was no breast visible, so why would that be a problem? There was vastly more breast to be seen when I wasn't breast feeding and wore vest tops, than when I was feeding under a big sweatshirt.

@Completelyjo

no it's not, especially as they have 50/50.

@Hsolley0904 you need to stop calling her his 'bio' Mum, she's just his Mum.

'that's enough Nigel. You've been told. Baby if feeding, she needs milk to grow. Human babies feed from their Mums like other babies such as puppies & kittens. Would you like to some kittens & puppies feeding? (Watch some YouTube clips)'

next time he says it

'Nigel, no, your sister needs to feed, we don't make you have your food in another room. Play with your xyz or you can play in your bedroom if you don't want to stay here with us, but it's not weird & I don't want to hear that again'

I can see the child's point of view to be honest.

He's probably been taught that we only get our bodies out for ourselves and our parents or doctors, and at 5 years old it's pretty normal to have black and white thinking where you can't reconcile if I get my body out it might make others uncomfortable (even though it's for safety at 5 years old), so why can they get their body's out to make me uncomfortable?

I do not think you should stop breastfeeding where ever you feel comfortable doing it but I do think his dad needs to work on this with him either with a child counsellor, books, or explaining that it's OK to feel uncomfortable about some things even though they're not wrong but you can't expect others to change and instead he should remove himself from the situation that makes him uncomfortable.

When I was a peer supporter it was shown to us that only something like 36% of mothers try breastfeeding. A significant number drops within the first week, and by 6 months only 2% still EBF. The UK has a weird view on breastfeeding and many children have never witnessed it within their families and it means that it's not normalised.

I think it's important to break that cycle, but this little boy should feel heard if he has been confident enough to express discomfort, and this should be appropriately managed by his dad by exploring this further with a professional, allowing him age appropriate resources to self explore in his own time and space and comfort and being allowed to be as involved as he feels comfortable without pressure so being allowed to leave if he doesn't feel comfortable with it just yet.

Surely you're not exposing much breast anyway? If you're just pulling up a shirt or jumper, there'd only be a quick flash as you put the baby on and then it's very hard to see very much at all.

Looking back I think I’d also have found it weird at that age as I grew up in a house where privates were very private. I happily BF wherever now but my mum will often throw a Muslin over my babies head and I have to tell her to stop being silly.

Good grief, this is ridiculous. He is 5 and needs it explaining to him that it is perfectly natural. As it seems so do you.

What on earth is wrong with your stepdaughter feeding in front of her FIL?

I think you just keep going as normal. My 5yo was breastfed as was her sister and she doesn't blink at anyone breastfeeding around her as she's just used to it. It's only a big deal if you let it become one, I think, and it's a good opportunity for stepson to have it normalised. Just don't engage with it, just say 'That's how babies are fed!' and carry on. Or he'll end up posting online in 50 years time about how his stepdaughter breastfed a child in front of him and he was appalled

Dear God! I breastfed n front of my FIL. If it made him feel uncomfortable, it was for him to leave the room not me!

How you think this is insane is beyond me!

In my experience boys (yes, I know that's sexist) go through a stage of things being "yuk, yuk, gross". I can see how getting boobs out and shoving them in a baby's mouth would fall into this category.

Or, it could be insecurity. He's got a new sibling and it's bound to stir up a wealth of emotions in the little guy. The baby is literally attached to the OP during feeding. He could be jealous, frightened - all sorts.

Alternatively, perhaps he's told his mum that the OP gets her boobs out in front of him and she disapproves. She may have said something like "that's a weird thing to do in front of you". Just a thought.

Or, it could be insecurity. He's got a new sibling and it's bound to stir up a wealth of emotions in the little guy. The baby is literally attached to the OP during feeding. He could be jealous, frightened - all sorts

I wondered if it might be this.

He’s a little boy who has presumably already experienced a family breakup or bereavement, a new adult entering his family ( OP) and now a new sibiling. It’s a lot to go through by age 5.

I don’t see why this is an issue. The 5 year old has expressed that he’s uncomfortable and is trying to set a boundary. Find a place for him to hangout while you feed.

Geez. I must've spent hours breastfeeding in front of my dad and my FIL. The babies got fed when they needed to be fed.