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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

why should i be made to feel bad for still bf ds

362 replies

mehdismummy · 20/04/2008 14:08

i am so so sick of getting strange looks off people because i still bf(2.3years) i dont bf in public and he only really has it at night also sometimes if he is tired or upset. He is a happy healthy contented little boy(see pics) and it really annoys me when you encounter negativity. My gp and health visitor are both guilty of the look. The final straw which started this rant was when my boss(i use the term loosely) said i should not still be feeding him. This is all because i tell him i cant go and get pissed because i bf. Anyone want to join an extended bf thread?

OP posts:
crimplene · 27/04/2008 10:53

Hello, can I join? I found this a bit late but I'm still bfing DS (23mo) and I can't see myself stopping until he's ready.

I continue to bf DS despite very little RL support because I'm a scientist and I read all the properly researched evidence I could find while I was pg. I was very uncomfortable about what I read as I didn't think I would want to bf after 6mo and I had a somewhat negative view of someone who would choose to extend bfing beyond about a year. I had a very tough time at first and I can't say that I've really enjoyed bfing as much as others do, although it has become a special part of our relationship; if there was no reason to continue I'd have stopped long ago.

But the evidence is very clear that it is the best thing for DS to bf until the biologically correct time for him to stop, if I can possibly do it; so I figured that I just need to get over my cultural inhibitions.

welliemum · 27/04/2008 11:07

There's some convincing new research out now about allergy which is very interesting.

It seems that the age at which you introduce various foods doesn't make all that much difference to a baby's risk of allergy (unless you wean extremely early), and breastfeeding itself seems to be protective but not all that protective - at any rate the relationship is not clear cut.

But what really makes a difference is whether a baby is breastfed at the time that they're introduced to potentially allergenic foods. The immunological "cover" provided by breastfeeding seems to be very important in protection against allergy.

So it looks as if breastfeeding to 6 months then stopping, while great for those crucial 6 months, is not a good long term plan.

BumperliciousNeedsToSleep · 27/04/2008 11:11

Hi Crimplene, I'm with you, I don't always enjoy bfing very much. TBH I haven't decided when I am going to stop. DD is 10 months and I have gone back to work. If I do stop it won't be because I feel uncomfortable but because I can no longer be bothered. I do find it a faff, especially feeding and expressing before I go to work, expressing twice a day at work and while I am off to keep my supply up.

But then I also find the constant nappy changing, cooking, face wiping, and rescuing from destroying things a faff as well and if I didn't have to do those things I wouldn't. I guess bfing is just another one of those things you do for the good of your children. I really can't decide whether or not to wait till dd self weans. The thought of doing it till she's 4 exhausts me

welliemum · 27/04/2008 11:16

My dd2 is 21 months and bf is a total pain - literally - she squirms around, kicks me in the throat, falls off the sofa, all whilst firmly latched on owwwwwwwwwww.

Anyone who tries to tell me I'm doing it for myself will just make me larf.

Am not in fact a masochist and I'd stop in the blink of an eye if I wasn't totally convinced of the importance of bf after reading the research - and of the importance of bf to dd2 herself.

hercules1 · 27/04/2008 11:18

WHy are you still expressing etc with a 10 month old? I stopped doing all that and just fed dd in the evening, night and morning at this age. I think dh gave her cows milk or those packet formula if necessary.

penpotEca · 27/04/2008 11:32

Just wanted to say hello. Had a quick skim through. I'm feeding my 1yr old, so not quite as long as most of you on here, but I will be carrying on for a while, as long as ds wants to .

I am quite by the offensive comments that have been made about bf a toddler. I think it's that people struggle to accept what it a natural normal process.

My ds finds such comfort in it, especially if he is ill or upset I can't imagine refusing and upsetting him just because other people have opinions about what we do.

I think the comments about smacking are very interesting! Bizarre that it's acceptable to do that but not bf into toddlerhood!

And I had missed the gmtv/dr hilary thing too (probably a good thing for my blood pressure!!!) but was very and to see what he had been saying. Shocking.

So thanks to the mums on here that feed later and tell us all about it! It helps to know and here the stories from you.

crimplene · 27/04/2008 11:42

welliemum; DS specialises in, puching the nipple forward so he can chew, getting down from the sofa whilst latched on, twisting his head into weird positions so I can't detach him and pushing off with his feet from anything he can get at foothold on. Oh and using his free hand for any mischief he can come up with. I almost always try to distract him now out of a request for 'num!' with story books and cups of cow's milk if I think I can get away with it - it's not my idea of fun either!

Bumperlicious yes, I think that's the way I rationalise it; it's just one of those things you have to do like wiping noses and mountains of laundry.

I'm just taking it a day at a time. If I thought about doing two more years I'd feel like giving up now (I hope it won't be that long!) - but if I thought about the number of times I'm going to have to read 'Green Eggs and Ham' over the same period, I'd feel equally demoralised.

StealthPolarBear · 27/04/2008 12:06

I actually enjoy it (in a non-martyrish way) I get to sit down and read, knowing he will be silent and kept out of mischief. I can even talk to DH and know one of us won't have to run off to rescue the TV remote/get him down from the sofa/stop him eating fluff etc.

kiskideesameanoldmother · 27/04/2008 12:56

"As for polyandry..what on earth is your point? I wasn't aware that we did that in this country where socially it would be unacceptable....."

read your own post where you were attempting to create an analogy with breastfeeding that monogamy is the normal homosapien sexual behaviour. It is not. We ought to look at our anthropological roots to see what is a human norm as we our society is layered with cultural expectations, be it breastfeeding or sexuality.
In fact, in this country we practice a form of polyandry (and polygamy for that matter) called serial monogamy. Have you seen how many posts on MN talk about x-dp/ exdh, etc? Have you heard the statistic, were genetic testing done, that about 20% of the men in the US/UK are parenting children who they genuinely believe are their own when they have been cuckolded?

One final time, you say that women should stop trying ot hide behind anthropological norm as a defence for not admitting that they breastfeed for their own pleasure/needs over that of their toddlers.

No we are not using that as a defence, we are citing a research which corroborate our experience that it is normal for children to continue to breastfeed anywhere between 2.5 to 7 years. It is not an opinion, a manifestation of collective neurosis, or dreamed up by JRR Tolkien, it has been documented!

Here is a historical piece of creative writing for you: On Lammas-eve at night shall she be fourteen;
That shall she, marry: I remember it well.
'T is since the earthquake now eleven years;
And she was wean'd, I never shall forget it,
Of all the days of the year, upon that day;
Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet. Act I, Scene 3
(Juliet was breastfed till she was 3 then forcibly weaned from the breast)

Was Shakespeare having a hallucination here or was he reflecting what he saw around him?

PS: Just because you will not accept something does not mean that all the research (peer reviewed, controlled for socio-economic factors blah blah,) which say differently lose any of their validity.

BabiesEverywhere · 27/04/2008 13:33

Long thread but I finally got to the end of it.

Whilst pregnant with my DD I wanted to attempt to breastfeed for 6 months and that in my eyes was the maximum time to nurse. I also felt that is was unnecessary and yucky to nurse a walking talking toddler. How I have changed my opinions.

After establishing breastfeeding and overcoming several problems I didn't want to stop at 6 months. Seemed silly to stop when things were going so well and it is cheaper to nurse than pay for formula.

At a year I had thought hard about weaning but honestly couldn't see a benefit in stopping. Why give up a portable drink, snack, sleep inducing comfort aid always ready to use.

Now I am still nursing my 21 month old DD and I am 6.5 months pregnant. It looks likely that we will be tandem feeding in summer, which I am fine about.

We just take things day by day and if the nursing relationship ceases to work on one side or the other we will rethink.

We still nurse on demand and in public, last time was last week in a Toddler Music group. But at 21 months she doesn't often ask outside the house.

I feel that extended/full term nursing is not something you can truly understand unless you have done it yourself. This is why many parents are amused by the innocent opinions of parenting from non-parents. Some things have to be experienced before you can understand 'why' people do them.

To the OP, No you should not be made to feel bad for BF your child.

PosieParker · 27/04/2008 14:48

KK... ah well it seems that when I say that a woman shouldn't have to use that as a reason I am obviously anti extended bf and should be disagreed with, it was actually a supportive comment that you have chosen to take issue with, baffled???
Weaned at eleven, not really anthropological is it now?
I don't want to argue against extended bf but you are making it quite difficult not to and so I'll leave it there.

Poohbah · 27/04/2008 15:05

Very interesting posts indeed. Yes about 3 (old juliet) is probably much more realistic.

PosieParker · 27/04/2008 15:08

Glad to not have read that well and in haste thought you were saying eleven...........

GreenMonkies · 27/04/2008 15:10

"Weaned at eleven, not really anthropological is it now? "

Actually if you go back and read it again you'll see it says that it is 11 years since she was weaned, as she is 14 at the time that means she was 3 when she was weaned, not 11.

Monkies

kiskideesameanoldmother · 27/04/2008 15:17

but women are not using the anthropological information as a reason to justify their breastfeeding past a year. they are citing it as something which from science which corroborates the experience they are having.

I have never heard or read someone say: I am an extended breastfeeder because that is what everyone they do in the Amazon forest (or the Kalahari or wherever.)

glad to hear you support it. just kinda about some of the other ideas you have expressed along with this support.

MumtoJAZ · 27/04/2008 15:54

Hi
Sorry to gatecrash but wondered if you kind ladies could help me out.
I'm still BF my 22 month DD2, but am planning on a long weekend away in september.
My daughter loves her 'mook' which she signs and shouts for at around 5-6am and is not happy if she has to wait too long for it.
My question is, Do i wean her now, Wait for a while and see if she weans herself or do nothing and let mil cope with her, though mil has never looked after her before(I cant take her with us as she would need a seat by then on the plane).
Has anyone else been in this situation?
Thanks for reading and any answers are greatly received.

Regarding the immune system talk in the above messages my other 2 children were only BF untill they were 8-9 months and as soon as they went onto formula both had many bouts of S&d which lasted for days. My dd2 last week had her first bout of sickness at 22months (sick only twice) and up and running around 5 hours later. I think that says alot about EBF!!

BabiesEverywhere · 27/04/2008 16:07

Could you leave some expressed milk for her for MIL to give her in a cup/bottle and take a pump with you just in case you need to express ?

chickenmama · 27/04/2008 21:15

I'd just like to say that this thread has really helped me to realise that my almost 2 yr old dd asking for feeds all the time is totally normal. So much so that today I decided I'd try the 'don't offer, don't refuse' thing - my dd must have thought it was her lucky day! Instead of asking if she'd like food, juice etc instead and making her wait, I fed her each time she asked... a total of 6 feeds since she woke up this morning, all about half an hr long (I let her decide when she was finished!) She ate even less than usual and her beloved booboos are now feeling a little tender but she was a very happy bunny today!!

Does anyone know whether I should be limiting her feeds a bit to make sure she eats, or should I just let her have her milkies whenever she wants and offer food in between??

And any idea when she might cut down to just a couple of feeds a day?!

mehdismummy · 27/04/2008 21:37

since starting this thread i have felt less alone! i know it says dont refuse but can u distract

OP posts:
GreenMonkies · 27/04/2008 21:46

"i know it says dont refuse but can u distract?"

I use distraction to see if they really do want to boob or if they are just bored. If an offer of juice/snack/book is refused I presume they really do want boob. As far as I'm concerned distraction is definately allowed!!

Monkies

fishie · 27/04/2008 21:51

mumtojaz, just go and enjoy your weekend, it will be fine. your supply is well and truly established and she will be fine without you for a few days. you can come back and feed as normal

chickenmama · 28/04/2008 21:26

Monkies (and anyone else who knows!) I wanted to ask you about my dd. You said 'don't despair, they often go through a really intense phase around now, have you read "Mothering your nursing Toddler", try to look past the twee title and it's a really good, reassuring read.'

I've ordered the book so hoping that will help. But in the meantime, can u tell me any more about this intense phase? It really is starting to drive me mad!! Dd won't leave me alone, she's asking for booboo so much more often and if I don't feed her she cries and screams and hangs on to me, which is no good as I have other kids around to look after. But even when I feed her, she's asking again not long after. I'm trying to give her other things but she refuses and keeps on about booboo til I give in. Does she 'need' these feeds or could it be an age thing (she is almost 2) - maybe trying to get her own way a little bit?? It feels like a no win situation - I either spend all my time feeding her, or I don't feed her and she drives me crazy with her crying. I'm starting to wish we could spend a bit of time apart, and I don't want to be feeling that way. Any help would be great

milou2 · 28/04/2008 22:17

I had a very intense phase of feeding with both my sons. I called it 'the frenzy of feeding'. For them it was round 17/18 months. They fed so much more often than before.....

For them that period was the peak of feeding frequency and my irritation/trappedness.

I didn't see any clear reference to it in the books I read at the time, maybe the bf books/websites include it now??

I'm sure it fulfilled some deep need. If it didn't then I was a bit of a fool! It really didn't seem that I had any choice because they really needed it.

saggers · 28/04/2008 22:20

Chickenmama
DD2 went through a phase of feeding like that at about 2 years. One day I fed her 12 times in one day! (More than when she was a young baby!) I remember talking to friends and saying I didn't know how to get her to cut down. I tried distracting her with juice, or fruit or a book or game, but found it stressful when that didn't work.
I then just thought f**k it, it's easier to give her what she wants, and within a couple of weeks she'd cut the number of feeds right back. I think just try and go with it. It will be just a phase, and in the great scheme of things it won't last long. Try not to stress about it - I think they pick up on that and it makes it worse. Good luck.

Poohbah · 29/04/2008 15:47

Chickenmama,

My DS did this too, afterwards I always developed some sore throat or other minor illness or discovered some more back teeth and always then felt bad for being irritated by him.

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