Should I let other people feed my baby?

[newmumma2000]

My baby is now 11 weeks old and I have been exclusively feeding him by a bottle after expressing my milk. I did want to breastfed but after a difficult birth, an emergency section and a difficult recovery, he struggled to latch so I just stuck with pumping. I found this hard intially but we found our rhythm and it has been going well. I decided that I wanted only me and my husband to feed him intially as I felt that as his parents we should be able to meet his basic needs, of which feeding is one. I also wanted to protect that bond that people talk about when they feed their babies. Perhaps, I was also slightly protective of my baby wanting to only see myself and my husband as his caregivers and try to experience the bond that breastfeeding mums say they have with their baby by limiting who feeds him.

After a six weeks, as my mum came round two or three times she asked if she could feed him and after some hesitation, I said I was happy for her too if she was patient with me and so after a few visits and her feeding my baby how I wanted her top (reflux baby), I now feel comfortable with her feeding me without me being there. This gave me some freedom tk have some me time pr to nap when she was over without me having to wake up. Currently only myself, husband and mum feed him.

I was at my MIL this weekend and she asked my husband could she feed our baby and my husband said no. She came over to my house yesterday and we were talking, and she asked me why my husband had said no and then proceeded to breakdown and cry. I felt really bad, but I explained my reasons as above and I said I was happy for her to feed my baby if her and my FIL visited us more. They live an hour away and only visit every two weeks. My mum lives 40 minutes and visits at least three times a week. I explained thaty own mum had ro be patient with me and I said I was very protective of who fed him. She then said she didn't understand as feeding a baby was feeding a baby and she had two children of her own. I felt like she didn't understand my reasons, but I just wanted to see if people thought I was beinb unreasonable by not letting her feed him if she isn't willing to visit more so that I feel comfortable. Others have asked like my dad and friends have asked and my response have been the same which is no.

AIBU - Should I let other people feed him and I am being too controlling?

Yes I think you are too controlling but other people seem to lock themselves away incase someone catches sight of their baby while they are walking past a window let alone being in the same room as them so who knows

Only if you want to os the simple answer.

I absolutely hated anyone feeding my baby. With DC1 Iet people do it despite finding it excruciating. And second time round I just thought WHY why put myself through it and I didn't do it. No one cared.

It's your baby, if you're not comfortable with someone else feeding him, then don't let them. As simple as that. I don't think it's weird.

You have an eleven week old baby. Everything should be about you and your baby right now. And you should be following your instincts in all things, you have just given birth and you and ONLY you have a huge amount of instincts given to you by nature to help you look after this baby.

Your MIL can fuck off! How dare she make demands on you and then cry and emotionally blckmail you at this time?! She should be offering you unquestioning support! I do not like your MIL. She wants to play at being a mum again and doesn’t care that she is upsetting you.

And, you’re absolutely right. Feeding a baby establishes a close bond between feeder and baby. In nature this is between mother and baby. You’ve already allowed your DH into that process and have been pressured into allowing your mum too and now you MIL is also trying to bully you
into diluting your bond with the baby further.

If I was you - and we may be quite different people - I would send a family wide message saying something like…

“Baby is doing well and I am so proud of him. But, as a new mum, I’m obviously extremely tired and hoped for support from all of you at this time. Instead I’m getting a lot of demands and complaints, particularly about how my baby is fed and fed and about who feeds him. I’d expected support, not demands, at this time. So if everyone could please take a step back and not ask me for anything that would be great. Going forward only I and DH will be feeding my baby, if we need any help with that we will let you know.”

It's new advice to restrict feeding to the main caregivers. I heard it with my teenager but it was very unusual then. Today it seems a little bit more well known. However, in her generation, it was absolutely normal to pass the baby around and everyone have a turn at feeding them. It is lovely to feed a baby so she might have been looking forward to this and that's why it's upset her.

TBH, if it was me I would let her because an occasional feed is not going to harm your baby's bond and attachment with you/DH. I would/did however stick to not handing baby around to every random visitor for a feed - they aren't a doll to be played with. Grandmother is an important relationship and since feeding is important to her, and you're already bottle feeding, I think it's an acceptable compromise. But you have to make the choice you think is right for your family.

Although I understand it’s your baby and you can technically do what you like, please consider that these people are your child’s grandparents and they also would like the opportunity to bond and create a good relationship with your child.

Creating ultimatums like ‘you need to visit me more to feed my child’ isn’t very kind. What if they aren’t able to visit more frequently than that? Your child will still have a bond and remain close to you, even if you allow somebody else to feed them.

Don’t understand why some people are so protective over their kids. These people are family and surely you trust them enough to be able to see/play/feed your child? If not, obviously that’s a different issue.

When I had my baby, my in laws and my own family adored feeding him. It doesn’t do any harm, and I loved how they wanted to spend time with him and help out!

There are some people who are completely stuck on their own without friends/family and would do anything to have some support.

It's such a personal thing.

I had no problem with anyone feeding my babies as long as they brought their wind up properly and it never entered my head that some sort of bond might be broken??

But you feel differently, so that's that 🤷‍♂️

The fact she cried like a bloody toddler would keep it a no from me. She presumably fed her own dc in whichever way she chose... Just because your baby is fed via bottle not breast doesn't mean you don't want others to feed...

What nonsense is this? I have 6&7 dc and have never heard this. My niece is 1 and likewise my sil hasn't been given this.

Op - it's tough being a new mum. ESP first time round. Well done on the expressing. But yea- I think you're being too controlling too. What do you think is going to happen with someone else feeding your baby?

Yes. You are being unreasonable. Sorry. Babies belong in families.

my little boy is now 7 months. It was only myself and my husband who fed him until 6 months (when he started weaning). It was one of the best decisions I made because the bond between us was even stronger. I know my decision upset people but that doesn’t matter when the decision is made by you and for your child. The only thing I find is he doesn’t finish a bottle now with anyone other than me and my husband but I’ll be honest I’m not bothered when I can just take over anyway which I like

i think it is sad that if a baby is being bottle fed the grandmothers aren't allowed to feed their grandchildren. Bonding between the generations is just as important as between a baby and its parents. Also it gives Mum a break.

I too found it hard to let others feed my baby when he was little - on reflection I think it was because I had felt such a failure not being able to bf, and I wonder if I actually had depression looking back. If you were bf then no-one would be asking to take turns, I think this is what I struggled with at the time. Whatever you choose is fine, if it helps blame your hormones making you super protective. That's how the health visitor explained my feelings to me.

Hope you haven't had a boy and his wife treats you like that.......

Your baby is not yours; they are a person who is part of a family. I don't understand what damage you think might be caused by someone giving one bottle of milk to a three month old

Bonding between the generations.. What utter shite is that??

I think it’s common, I hated the idea of anyone else feeding my baby, she was formula fed and pretty much only me and my husband ever gave her a bottle apart from on the odd occasion I let my Mum or sister feed her but it made me uncomfortable. I also never really let anyone else change her nappy.

Looking back, I’m not sure of my reasons really, I think it’s just instinctual and probably hormones! It’s hard as a new Mum and sometimes I think you just need to feel a bit of control as so much of it is out of your control. Plus it’s your baby, you choice. You are not being unreasonable at all and hopefully your MIL respects your choices!

Congratulations, enjoy your new baby!

It was one of the best decisions I made because the bond between us was even stronger.

Stronger than what? How do you know?

OP yes you are being controlling, but, seemingly, only to your ILs. If you really felt that strongly about feeding him yourself and making sure he knows you are his primary caregivers then you wouldn't let anyone else feed him. But you do, that makes you manipulative.

I've yet to meet one of these mythical mn MILs who scream & shout and cry & sob when their perfectly reasonable lovely DILs ask them not to do something (something they've already let other members of the family do). I think people just say that on here to back up their story and make it feel like they have a good reason for behaving like they do.

You're not being unreasonable, it's your baby and your choice. Baby can bond with GPs in other ways.
I'm EBF (no bottles) but baby has a good bond with his dad and grandparents from playing and cuddling. Feeding is absolutely not necessary to bonding.

Why is it the OPs choice? What about the dad?

I don't believe for a minute believe a bond is so fragile between parents and child that an odd feed would break it,-what about children who are in childcare at a few months old due to work etc .

I was happy to have our direct family and best friend feed mine. I was delighted at the sleep and enjoyed my baby more and was a less harried mother. I knew they would do why we asked and would shout if any issues.

They are 16, 10 now and have wonderful relationships with direct family. And we have wonderful healthy bond.

People have this really weird thing about wanting to feed babies. It seems to be a massive deal.

ime it was them sitting their arses on the sofa while I ran about making drinks, snacks, putting a load of washing on etc. bollocks to that, if anyone was going to have a rest it was me- they could help out by making me tea or loading the dishwasher.

i got quite a bit of pressure to give bottles (was ebf) so other people could feed her. Totally selfish, and not what was best for me and my baby. If I refused I got speeches about martyring myself and giving myself a break- we no, it’s not a break for me when you’re sat feeding, and I have to go pump, sterilise, wash bottles etc so you can feed my baby.

🙄 YABU. Mainly because you let your mum feed the baby but apparently your MIL isn't good enough.

You seem to forget she raised your husband...

It's new advice to restrict feeding to the main caregivers.
11week old baby here too. We were told we were the only two who should ever feed our newborn and not to let anyone else do it - by midwives before we left the hospital.

But if it helps, mentally and physically, to have another person help then I feel that would trump the rule.

"Why is it the OPs choice? What about the dad?"

Your = parents
It sounds like there has already been this discussion between the parents as the dad is onboard..