Should I let other people feed my baby?

[newmumma2000]

My baby is now 11 weeks old and I have been exclusively feeding him by a bottle after expressing my milk. I did want to breastfed but after a difficult birth, an emergency section and a difficult recovery, he struggled to latch so I just stuck with pumping. I found this hard intially but we found our rhythm and it has been going well. I decided that I wanted only me and my husband to feed him intially as I felt that as his parents we should be able to meet his basic needs, of which feeding is one. I also wanted to protect that bond that people talk about when they feed their babies. Perhaps, I was also slightly protective of my baby wanting to only see myself and my husband as his caregivers and try to experience the bond that breastfeeding mums say they have with their baby by limiting who feeds him.

After a six weeks, as my mum came round two or three times she asked if she could feed him and after some hesitation, I said I was happy for her too if she was patient with me and so after a few visits and her feeding my baby how I wanted her top (reflux baby), I now feel comfortable with her feeding me without me being there. This gave me some freedom tk have some me time pr to nap when she was over without me having to wake up. Currently only myself, husband and mum feed him.

I was at my MIL this weekend and she asked my husband could she feed our baby and my husband said no. She came over to my house yesterday and we were talking, and she asked me why my husband had said no and then proceeded to breakdown and cry. I felt really bad, but I explained my reasons as above and I said I was happy for her to feed my baby if her and my FIL visited us more. They live an hour away and only visit every two weeks. My mum lives 40 minutes and visits at least three times a week. I explained thaty own mum had ro be patient with me and I said I was very protective of who fed him. She then said she didn't understand as feeding a baby was feeding a baby and she had two children of her own. I felt like she didn't understand my reasons, but I just wanted to see if people thought I was beinb unreasonable by not letting her feed him if she isn't willing to visit more so that I feel comfortable. Others have asked like my dad and friends have asked and my response have been the same which is no.

AIBU - Should I let other people feed him and I am being too controlling?

I was going to express in the beginning so my partner can do nights. That soon changed and going to wait till she's a bit older. It's a bit different with breastfeeding. I just want to feed her. I generally just want to stay close. As she's very clingy to me.

I don't believe for a minute believe a bond is so fragile between parents and child that an odd feed would break it,-what about children who are in childcare at a few months old due to work etc.

True, the parental 'bond' would have to be hanging by a thread.

My DC also have a lovely bond with the wider family, they don’t need to sleep over (yet) or have been fed by them at a young age for that bond to exist. I wouldn’t have wanted to be apart from DC at 8 weeks.

I do agree that certain number of visits is not the criteria for doing anything with a baby but leaving aside dangerous behaviour most of us are just doing our best and following our instincts. Mine really were about keeping baby close, it was a visceral reaction, I didn’t want others looking after them (which surprised me to a degree as my wider family are all about ‘pass the parcel’ with babies and did get offended but I found it just made me so uncomfortable and on edge so I didn’t do it). And I wondered if any of the other people had felt like I did but disregarded their own feelings. Not all of them, some were quite vocal about wanting a break and had many aunties and some uncles happy to oblige. So I think whatever the mother feels is really important.

I would be unimpressed with MIL or anyone crying to a new mum and making it all about them.

Wow, babies fed by wet nurses in the ps must have had terrible ptsd.

Despite the fact those women were responsible for the baby living.

What evidence do you have that the bond is stronger because only you and your DH fed him? DH and I and grandparents, other family fed DT’s from day one. DH father gave DS his first bottle - one of my favourite photos. Didn’t impact our bond at all.

Oh dear. I seem to have committed the ultimate sin of allowing anyone that offered to feed both my babies including my MIL at 2 days old both times. They don’t appear to be traumatised or have a broken parental bond but it sounds like I should start saving up for therapy in a few years, just in case.

You are being ridiculous.

I was so tired I would've passed mine round the bus 🤣🤣

I don’t know why people take it as a personal affront if someone else has a different opinion to theirs. Why act so defensive?

Honestly, in this case I think it's because the ideal of only the parents ever feeding a three month old is stupid.

a great perspective.

It was advised to me I think by my NCT teacher or a breastfeeding counsellor, can't remember now (it was over 15 years ago).

They said if you're breastfeeding then naturally the mother would be giving the majority of the feeds, so if you're not breastfeeding you should do the same - restrict feeding only to the mother and any other significant caregivers e.g. the father. It was to do with trying to emulate the conditions of breastfeeding, with the thinking being that some of the benefits might not be related to the physical substance but more to practices which surround breastfeeding. And the other thing being about respecting the baby as a person rather than a fun attraction that people want to "have a go" with.

It sort of made sense to me at the time, but I never had a fully bottle fed baby so can't say if I'd have stuck to it long term or not.

I don't remember it being said that letting other people feed the baby will negatively affect the bond with the parents, it was more about protecting feeding as an intimate thing, like you probably wouldn't let someone else get in the bath with your baby.

Anyway my point to OP was that many people will have never heard of this practice, so you proved me right!

Yanbu. I breastfed 4 of my children but one of them (my 4th) I couldn't. The idea of someone else feeding him used to really upset me because I had breastfed my others and wanted to do the same for him. The nurses in nicu fed him at the beginning but nobody else did until he was nearly one year old.

You’re not being unreasonable to want to restrict who feeds your baby (although to be honest I can’t see this causing any harm) but you are being unreasonable to have made it known you made an exemption for your mother and not his. If you were going to do that, you should’ve been more discreet, that kind of decision will always cause upset.

@BertieBotts - one of the reasons we decided on using only formula from day one was so that family and friends could also give bottles to DT’s. I wasn’t looking in anyway to replicate bf, nor did I regard it as an intimate process. Bonding is no different whether they are bottle or bf. DS’s first bottle was from his grandfather - very precious moment

No harm, but no real benefit either. It makes no difference to the child let's be honest, this is all about the parents.

I appreciated anyone feeding my DD. She was a nightmare to feed (& quite often vomited her feed straight back up). In the hour it took to give her a bottle, I could express and label the next stock and wash up & sterilise bottles. I knew she would still be having bottles when she went to nursery so had to be used to other people feeding her.

I feel exactly the same as you and also did the pumping thing. I have stopped at 5 months and towards the end my baby was getting some bottles of formula too. My mum is the only person who babysits for me so is the only person I have needed to feed my baby. I felt uncomfortable with people asking to feed my first baby too. It just felt like a line you shouldn’t cross, unless asked to by the parent. It puts people on the spot to ask and it’s such an intimate thing, almost feels more intimate when it’s your actual milk being fed, hence it is entirely up to you who should feed your baby it.

My aunt the other day was really forward and told me to hand my baby over with her bottle as she was hungry. She didn’t even ask if she could feed her, just instructed me to pass her over. I just acted like I didn’t hear then started feeding her. I know my baby best and I know when she’s had enough, needs burped etc. I’m not doubting other people wouldn’t manage it but if I don’t want them to then I don’t see why I should sit feeling uncomfortable if I can just feed my baby myself. Anyone who is offended by it is most likely not doing all that much else to help out. If they were spending lots of time with your baby and helping you around the house then whether they got to feed the baby or not is such a minor thing that wouldn’t bother any supportive adult in your life

As an older non grandmother so far all I say is try and see things From her point of view. Baby will only be tiny for a very short time and feeding baby is special. A few feeds for granny won't break the bond you have as a parent. She will be in your life a long time and if she is generally a nice person surely you want her and baby to have a good relationship. And also for you and her to remain on good terms.

She's not too controlling- it's literally her own body fluids she's allowed to have a boundary about that. For the mil to break down in tears is self centred and outright pathetic

Op please follow organicallymaddie on insta she talks about scenarios exactly like this and how to keep your boundaries

I also didn't want anyone feeding my expressed milk to my baby especially when I was there (I let my parents while I was sleeping) partly as it felt so comfortable and partly as I was really grieving not being able to breastfeed and bond that way so I wanted to keep it our special thing. If other people want to help they can wash and sterilize the bottles and pumping bits and let you cuddle your baby. Well done on the pumping btw it is such a chore and you're doing so so well. Xxxx

OP, the way I try and see it is that one of the greatest gifts you can give your baby is to love and be loved by as many people as possible. Your bond will not be affected. Totally agree with this, the odd bottle from another family member will not make the slightest difference to the bond you have with your baby. You want your baby to have a safe and loving relationship with their whole family, you never know when you might need family support so surely it is better that your baby feels safe and familiar. I find it really odd that so many responses agree with OP, grandparents want to be involved in their grandchildrens lives, feeding a baby is lovely so why would you deny them that small pleasure?

I disagree - if mil cries and pushes back on this boundary she will keep doing wit others she needs to learn that what her DIL says she means

They can support in many other ways - separating a mother from her baby isn't helpful if it's not what the mother wants

I'm sure op won't be emeshed with her boy into adulthood and will offer to support her DIL and make her nice food and sterilize bottles and help out and bond in the way that's the babies mother feels comfortable with only