Should I let other people feed my baby?

[newmumma2000]

My baby is now 11 weeks old and I have been exclusively feeding him by a bottle after expressing my milk. I did want to breastfed but after a difficult birth, an emergency section and a difficult recovery, he struggled to latch so I just stuck with pumping. I found this hard intially but we found our rhythm and it has been going well. I decided that I wanted only me and my husband to feed him intially as I felt that as his parents we should be able to meet his basic needs, of which feeding is one. I also wanted to protect that bond that people talk about when they feed their babies. Perhaps, I was also slightly protective of my baby wanting to only see myself and my husband as his caregivers and try to experience the bond that breastfeeding mums say they have with their baby by limiting who feeds him.

After a six weeks, as my mum came round two or three times she asked if she could feed him and after some hesitation, I said I was happy for her too if she was patient with me and so after a few visits and her feeding my baby how I wanted her top (reflux baby), I now feel comfortable with her feeding me without me being there. This gave me some freedom tk have some me time pr to nap when she was over without me having to wake up. Currently only myself, husband and mum feed him.

I was at my MIL this weekend and she asked my husband could she feed our baby and my husband said no. She came over to my house yesterday and we were talking, and she asked me why my husband had said no and then proceeded to breakdown and cry. I felt really bad, but I explained my reasons as above and I said I was happy for her to feed my baby if her and my FIL visited us more. They live an hour away and only visit every two weeks. My mum lives 40 minutes and visits at least three times a week. I explained thaty own mum had ro be patient with me and I said I was very protective of who fed him. She then said she didn't understand as feeding a baby was feeding a baby and she had two children of her own. I felt like she didn't understand my reasons, but I just wanted to see if people thought I was beinb unreasonable by not letting her feed him if she isn't willing to visit more so that I feel comfortable. Others have asked like my dad and friends have asked and my response have been the same which is no.

AIBU - Should I let other people feed him and I am being too controlling?

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying no if it makes you uncomfortable. I exclusively breastfed, DH and grandparents found plenty of other ways to bond with baby. Crying because you can't bottle feed your grandchild sounds slightly neurotic to me.

My DGS is 4 weeks old. He’s being bottle fed with breast milk. DDIL gave me a bottle to feed him with the first time I visited, when he was 4/5 days old. I did ask her if she was sure because he was so new and feeding is a bonding experience but she was fine.

We saw him again when he was 3 weeks old and I fed him while they had their lunch. He’s only been fed by me, her parents and them.

We don’t live near DS2, DDIL and DGS and I would find it really upsetting if my DDIL started saying to us “you need to visit more before you can do x,y and z.” Fortunately she’s not like that, she sends us daily photos and videos of our grandson, as does DS2, and we adore her.

Our grandson has brought us so much joy in such a short space of time. It’s impossible to describe how much we love him. Most grandparents just want to do their best for their grandchildren and want to bond with them. I think you’re being unfair towards your MIL.

I think the issue is that it is OK for your Mum to do it but not MIL. How many times do we see this on MN regarding favouring YOUR parents as opposed to partners.

You sound overly precious and controlling. Its not going to do any harm and they wont be scarred for life if your MIL who you dont see that much does it.

So you want your mil to visit you three times a week for the next three months before she's allowed to give your baby a bottle?

Tbh, yes, I think you're being unfair.

YOUR mom is annoyed because it means you can go and nap when she's there. You won't let HIS mom because you presumably feel less able to go off and nap etc.

If it was about your bond, you'd still say no to your mom.

Presumably it'll be the same with oral feeding, taking baby for a walk, babysitting. Conditions will be right for your Mom when it benefits you and it doesn't matter about the relationship with the other Nan because she isn't the family that counts

How often do you visit mil , it's mean and petty to say she can feed if she visits more often and I would be upset too.

Your baby is not a football game and you don’t need to concern yourself with ‘fairness’.
No you don't need to treat other people fairly. Provided you don't expect them to treat you fairly either that is.
How many posts do we see on here complaining about grandparents "not bothering" with their grandchildren, being unwilling to help with childcare or seeming to favour the children of their daughter over those of their son? Obviously there are lots of reasons why that might be the case, but not being trusted to do simple things like give a bottle and being treated as the secondary grandparents from an early stage might just contribute!

I didn’t like anyone else feeding my baby. There were issues with breastfeeding at the start and I was pumping and it was hard work, not done lightly and not done for other people’s benefit. Both grandmothers and many other relatives were of the opinion that they had done it all before and didn’t need to listen to any ‘new-fangled’ advice on paced bottle feeding.
DC has bonded fine with them, but I’m her mother and primary caregiver and have enjoyed that role. They had their turns multiple times if they want to think in terms of fairness or taking turns.

But you can easily feed a baby 6/8/10 times a day!

All this 'they had their turn' snotty attitude is just ridiculous. The best thing about my parents and grandparents is how immediately and unconditionally they loved my babies when they were born.

My kids spent the night with my parents at about 8 weeks, and shockingly we've bonded just fine. They also have a beautiful relationship with their extended family, probably in part because I didn't act like a controlling loon.

You can do what you like, but don't be surprised if you don't then get the lovely extended family for your child that you probably wished for when you were pregnant. Making them pay a certain amount of visits before they can feed your baby is pretty gross IMO.

Yes, you are being too controlling.

@whatthebejesus my friend was told at her NCT just last month that if someone other than the caregivers feed the baby it can cause PTSD in baby. Whilst she and I agree that’s extreme, it’s definitely current advice that’s doing the rounds.

@newmumma2000 your baby, your rules. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do.

Your baby your rules

This is why I bf for so long!

I'm probably pretty extreme but I left my baby with my DM at six weeks and went to a wedding for a day. It was a lovely break. My babies were also passed around for feeds between family, grandparents, brothers, younger sister with older siblings. I think creating bonds within the wider family is a positive. My brothers fed me when I was a baby, in fact my cot was in one of my brothers rooms, so very close.

However, and this is heart felt, you do need to be very comfortable in order to do this, trust them completely, and if you are not, then that is fine.

That is fucking disgraceful.

my friend was told at her NCT just last month that if someone other than the caregivers feed the baby it can cause PTSD in baby. Whilst she and I agree that’s extreme, it’s definitely current advice that’s doing the rounds.

Disgraceful. Another stick to beat new mums with. Another way of removing such valuable support for new parents. As if there's not enough 'mum guilt' to go round already. I'd want to be seeing reports & evidence before I took any notice of such rubbish.

I agree 6 months is a good cut off point.

YANBU

Honestly, I think you're right about the breastfeeding angle but I think it's a bit circular - most of the AP style advice is like this. It stems from what helps provide the optimal environment for breastfeeding, but because it's marketed as "attachment" not "breastfeeding" the assumption is that these things have benefits in and of themselves. So it's a sort of circular theory - you do a behaviour (restricting feeding person) in order to support breastfeeding but then the theory comes that some of the benefits of breastfeeding might come from the practices which naturally happen with breastfeeding, so it's (theoretically) beneficial to emulate that e.g. restricting who has bottle feeding privilege. Whether that is actually beneficial or not, I don't know.

The main reason I pointed this out is if you're first time parents and have been told this and assume it's just one of those things that everyone knows, then it might be surprising to hear that most people (especially if they haven't had a baby recently) will never have heard of it, indeed, they probably will know the opposite which is that letting multiple people feed the baby is one of the benefits of bottle feeding.

I think it's twofold though - partly that "maybe it has a benefit" related to breastfeeding-emulating behaviour. But I think the other reason is about a shift in the way that we see babies - if you think about a theoretical example where someone is really excited about the new baby and wants to pass them around to everyone and everyone can "have a go" at feeding etc then that is a bit overstimulating and not really fair on the baby, who is after all a person, not a new toy to be admired.

But like anything there is also nuance/balance in between that. And I don't think handing the baby around to every third cousin or another random mum at baby group or the postman etc is the same thing as letting a grandparent have a one off feed when they visit, even if they don't visit as often as you would ideally like.

OTOH the OP did also refer to a specific way that they need to feed the baby to keep his reflux under control - this is a separate issue I think.

I've never heard of this. Ever. Could you expand?

OP, I personally think you're being very controlling and giving family ultimatums about visiting is actually pretty shit. I never minded family or friends feeding my kids once I'd stopped breastfeeding. It was a welcome break quite frankly. My relationship with both of my children is close and loving so it had zero impact that Auntie Vera gave them a bottle once. I think it's weird, otherw don't. However, don't blackmail people, just say you'd rather do it yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️

MIL has had her kids. It’s 100% up to you OP, you make the call and you don’t even need to justify your decision.

What a load of utter bollocks that is.

It’s funny how people are saying ‘feeding doesn’t equal strength of bond’ yet simultaneously saying ‘let the MIL strengthen their bond by feeding’.

What is the actual benefit of MIL feeding? Essentially it’s so she feels an equal grandparent and because she wants to ‘have a turn’.
Neither of those benefits are to the baby or to you… that would give me my answer.

I completely understand how you feel. I am combi feeding my 10m old due to issues with him getting enough breast milk and I have found it very challenging for others to feed him, particularly when he was smaller. Your DC is very little still. My aunt gave him his bottle at a family gathering and my MIL on the odd occasion and PP summed it up well with "excruciating". When you've had complications with feeding it is all so sensitive and feelings on the topic are very complex.

And of course you're completely within your rights to establish your boundaries about how you parent. Absolutely ridiculous your MIL coming round crying. Pure selfishness and presumptuousness.

It seems to me that becoming a grandparent is a lot about accepting that your child/DIL/SIL are probably not going to make the same choices you would/did and that you can't presume much at all about how they will bring up your GC and what relationship you might have with them. You can just hope to have a good relationship and see them as much as possible and appreciate the reality of that. And respect their decisions and boundaries and listen to their feelings and experiences.

I'm not at that stage yet and I'm sure it's easier said than done. Maybe I'll become a MIL from hell 😂 I'll try to remember what it feels like to be the DIL.

How can anyone judge that an infant has PTSD because someone other than the mother or father did the feeding? 🤔 Never heard such rubbish! I pity new mums if this is what they are being told. 😡

If it's not necessary for bonding then what harm would it cause letting a grandparent give the baby a bottle?

I've never heard the advice to keep feeding to parent only and frankly find it insane.

But each to their own.

@DidntReallyMeanIt I was the same. I struggled with breastfeeding also and my our parents and siblings fed our child. As long as she was winded and pace fed.
It never entered my head that it would break a bond. Me and her dad are her primary care givers and she has a secure bond with both of us.
I have also been asked when I've visited people if the baby needed fed if I wanted to feed them as I was cuddling them.

@Marblessolveeverything I don't believe for a minute believe a bond is so fragile between parents and child that an odd feed would break it,-what about children who are in childcare at a few months old due to work etc .

I agree with you totally.

Op it's yours and your husband's choice on what you feel comfortable with, not everyone will agree with you. But only you can decide...not randomers on mumsnet