Should I let other people feed my baby?

[newmumma2000]

My baby is now 11 weeks old and I have been exclusively feeding him by a bottle after expressing my milk. I did want to breastfed but after a difficult birth, an emergency section and a difficult recovery, he struggled to latch so I just stuck with pumping. I found this hard intially but we found our rhythm and it has been going well. I decided that I wanted only me and my husband to feed him intially as I felt that as his parents we should be able to meet his basic needs, of which feeding is one. I also wanted to protect that bond that people talk about when they feed their babies. Perhaps, I was also slightly protective of my baby wanting to only see myself and my husband as his caregivers and try to experience the bond that breastfeeding mums say they have with their baby by limiting who feeds him.

After a six weeks, as my mum came round two or three times she asked if she could feed him and after some hesitation, I said I was happy for her too if she was patient with me and so after a few visits and her feeding my baby how I wanted her top (reflux baby), I now feel comfortable with her feeding me without me being there. This gave me some freedom tk have some me time pr to nap when she was over without me having to wake up. Currently only myself, husband and mum feed him.

I was at my MIL this weekend and she asked my husband could she feed our baby and my husband said no. She came over to my house yesterday and we were talking, and she asked me why my husband had said no and then proceeded to breakdown and cry. I felt really bad, but I explained my reasons as above and I said I was happy for her to feed my baby if her and my FIL visited us more. They live an hour away and only visit every two weeks. My mum lives 40 minutes and visits at least three times a week. I explained thaty own mum had ro be patient with me and I said I was very protective of who fed him. She then said she didn't understand as feeding a baby was feeding a baby and she had two children of her own. I felt like she didn't understand my reasons, but I just wanted to see if people thought I was beinb unreasonable by not letting her feed him if she isn't willing to visit more so that I feel comfortable. Others have asked like my dad and friends have asked and my response have been the same which is no.

AIBU - Should I let other people feed him and I am being too controlling?

The baby is much more familiar with her own mum and she obviously trusts her own mum a lot more as she has known her better. I'm not surprised she doesn't feel comfortable with This drama queen toddler of a MIL that wants to treat baby like a dolly rather than helping in actually useful ways

Follow her please she'll be a big help

I had a really hard time getting my head around the fact that I was combi feeding and not doing EBF as I'd always assumed I would. It really, really upset me and caused me a lot of mental anguish. Being the only person who bottle fed my babies, right until they stopped having bottles age 1, was one small thing I did to help me get my head around it/come to terms with it. My mom was the only person who ever gave me grief about it (very mild grief in fairness to her) and she got short thrift in return.

Yes it might be a bit OTT, precious or whatever else, but I honest to God do not care - postpartum is a fragile time and hormones are running wild! Let me be a bit crazy during this one time in my life, please!!

I genuinely don't understand this. My parents are my kids grandparents, they're not strangers! As it goes, it will pretty much be me and my OH who feed our baby anyway as our families live far away, but if they lived closer I would 100% encourage it.

Well, I won't be following that advice lol

🤷‍♀️ Medical staff pass on advice, it’s no skin off their nose if you don’t follow it.

….lol

I looked at the NHS advice and it's fabulously light on detail.

Also, let's be honest, a newborn baby couldn't really give a single fuck who is feeding it.

There's alot of advice I didn't follow tbh. The bits thought actually mattered I did.

I wouldn't want my baby fed by every visitor, but I would let all of his grandparents feed him. If they are only there once a fortnight it sounds like a lovely bonding experience for them without being regular enough to have any impact on your own bond/status as primary care givers.
I also think it is useful to have baby familiar with someone else in case of them ever needing to watch him if you were ill or something.

I feel like I used the wrong wording in my sentence because a lot of people have reacted to it in a way I didn't expect.

When I said "It's new advice" I didn't mean it's THE new, universal, official advice. I only know it as something quite niche honestly. I just meant it's new in the sense that not everyone will have heard of it, it's really more of an opinion as well to be fair, but anyway the point I wanted to make is that it's quite a recent idea.

I think sometimes when you have a new baby, you hear things and assume that's the advice everyone has always had forever and that's not really the case, hence new parents being mortally offended when an older relative isn't aware of a new safe sleep guideline or something - a lot of what you'll be told is just opinion, some of it is even faddy and goes in and out of fashion.

Is the MIL a toddler and the DIL her parent?

Or they could just talk to each other and communicate like adults. You don't have to slap your MIL down like a naughty dog

Yes MIL is acting like a toddler crying because she can’t feed her Dolly I mean the OP’s real human child

I do think a newborn baby instinctively wants their mother, the heartbeat and voice they are familiar with, rather than someone else.
It makes sense when reading up on the fourth trimester stuff.

This shows how everyone is different though, there is no way a grandparent would have given my DC their first bottle as we didn’t have them or anyone else visit right away (although it’s possible the first bottle was after being breastfed or otherwise fed initially so maybe not right after birth as I first thought).

I agree and feel sorry for MIL.

Yes I agree that it's nice and comforting to be fed by your mum - I'm 35 and I like going round my mums for tea.

But let's not turn it into an issue any more than is required.

I have a feeling that the "only let parents feed the baby" advice is coming out of a desire to promote breastfeeding by reducing the advantages of formula feeding; i.e. if women without children no longer see formula feeding mothers cheerfully passing the baby round while they get to shower or even go out to the shops or cinema for a bit in peace, it will reduce the sense of "well, the formula feeding mothers I know do seem to have so much more freedom compared to the breastfeeding ones...."

(I was a breastfeeder, for what it's worth. However, with my second I added a bottle of formula in the evening from about 3mo, not because of supply issues but because I wanted the flexibility to be able to leave the baby with grandma sometimes without drama. My second child is just as psychologically well adapted and physically healthy as my first!)

I always let others take a turn of feeding mine bottles of ebm.

Grandmas, aunties just loved it snd I wanted them to have that experience.

It was your phrase that a newborn wouldn’t give a fuck who feeds it that I disagreed with, Indo think it’s quite the opposite. Comfort is a big thing for a newborn.

Well she's happy to go and nap whilst someone else feeds the baby, as long as they've proven their loyalty by being there all week. If OPs mil starts popping round three times a week and taking notes whilst op feeds the baby you can predict the next MN post!!

Haha I was wondering how many multiples parents would insist on this 😄. Literally ANY.PASSING.PERSON. they are over familiar with people we barely know tho so maybe that's why

Even stronger than what? Do you have an older child you let other people feed that you feel less bonded to?

Ds was fed by all sorts. Whichever nurses were on shift. That's when he was allowed food. Can't say I can imagine that child being MORE bonded to me 😯 he's perfectly koala like thanks at 8!!

I do wonder how some parents manage when the child wants to go to the toilet without them let alone goes to school

I do think there is something odd with people who need to fix something missing in themselves by using their child as a crutch

I think of how many people who complain about their own childhood then do obsessive things with their own child/ren

You are way to f precious !

I chose to bottle feed my baby so she could be fed by other people ( esp her daddy :)
It also made it easier when we went out in the evening and had a babysitter.

I think it’s fine to have a rule that only the parents are to feed the baby if that’s what you want. But that’s not your rule, you’ve let your mum feed the baby so why not your MIL? How often they come to visit should have absolutely nothing to do with it and you’re wrong to try and emotionally
blackmail them into visiting more in this way.

One bottle a week isn’t going to break the bond between your baby and you, but it might be a nice way to help grandma and baby bond.

Sorry but you are being very precious first born about this, your MIL is more than capable of giving a bottle.

Sometimes when my MIL is annoying me I remind myself that one day I will potentially be the MIL on the man’s side and it makes it easier to treat her how I would like to be treated.