Should I let other people feed my baby?

[newmumma2000]

My baby is now 11 weeks old and I have been exclusively feeding him by a bottle after expressing my milk. I did want to breastfed but after a difficult birth, an emergency section and a difficult recovery, he struggled to latch so I just stuck with pumping. I found this hard intially but we found our rhythm and it has been going well. I decided that I wanted only me and my husband to feed him intially as I felt that as his parents we should be able to meet his basic needs, of which feeding is one. I also wanted to protect that bond that people talk about when they feed their babies. Perhaps, I was also slightly protective of my baby wanting to only see myself and my husband as his caregivers and try to experience the bond that breastfeeding mums say they have with their baby by limiting who feeds him.

After a six weeks, as my mum came round two or three times she asked if she could feed him and after some hesitation, I said I was happy for her too if she was patient with me and so after a few visits and her feeding my baby how I wanted her top (reflux baby), I now feel comfortable with her feeding me without me being there. This gave me some freedom tk have some me time pr to nap when she was over without me having to wake up. Currently only myself, husband and mum feed him.

I was at my MIL this weekend and she asked my husband could she feed our baby and my husband said no. She came over to my house yesterday and we were talking, and she asked me why my husband had said no and then proceeded to breakdown and cry. I felt really bad, but I explained my reasons as above and I said I was happy for her to feed my baby if her and my FIL visited us more. They live an hour away and only visit every two weeks. My mum lives 40 minutes and visits at least three times a week. I explained thaty own mum had ro be patient with me and I said I was very protective of who fed him. She then said she didn't understand as feeding a baby was feeding a baby and she had two children of her own. I felt like she didn't understand my reasons, but I just wanted to see if people thought I was beinb unreasonable by not letting her feed him if she isn't willing to visit more so that I feel comfortable. Others have asked like my dad and friends have asked and my response have been the same which is no.

AIBU - Should I let other people feed him and I am being too controlling?

OP, I do get where you’re coming from. I didn’t really gel with MIL. She wanted another crack at rearing a baby and knew what she’d done thirty years previously was how to do it right. She took as criticism me insisting on the stuff I’d been taught was important. FIL, DF and DM just accepted the wisdom of the 2000s as ‘the new way’ and followed suit - but not MIL. It was difficult at times, DM and MIL are the same age and had their first kids in the same year but even DM said some of it was seen as risky/outdated by the 1970s. However, I tried to think about it from her POV, provided it wasn’t actively panic-inducing (she was worryingly resistant to modern SIDS guidelines and I did end up saying please don’t do that).

While I wouldn’t be particularly keen to let anyone - other than the baby - override parenting decisions because they cried, it does also seem like given how often the advice changes we can sometimes be slightly coming across as ‘rules for the sake of rules.’ Lots of people will say that’s our prerogative but we may need help one day and the climb-down could be steep.

Mine was icked out by breastfeeding and seemed to see it as an hippy indulgence. We had all the classics - ‘again? Did you not just feed her? Would you not be more cosy upstairs in your room?’ and it properly boiled my piss. But once they were weaning MIL was right into all my little frozen pots of Karmel mush and thought me meal planning for a week at a time was brilliant parenting. In retrospect I don’t know how I could be arsed but I knew I HAD to do it! Then they were up and off and running, she was a wonder-woman and gave them the time of their tiny lives.

So I’m glad I didn’t get so rigid or wound up by the occasional opposing view that I couldn’t compromise/disregard the irritations. It would be a pity have fallen out before we’d even started, especially over decisions that would have ultimately made no difference to well-being.

Obviously, you need to do what you believe is best but I’m just thinking back and remembering how much I wanted to get it all right, and how tricky it was on occasion to balance that with family life. It’s a long road, and there will be lots of these moments to navigate.

And also, congratulations!

Agree with this.

Also, baby will pick up if you're anxious/stressed, so a child-focused reason to do only what you're comfortable with.

And can I just say well done to your DH for backing you when MIL asked, we see too many threads where it's left to mums to battle awkward family issues.

@YellowHatt I’m not saying feeding doesn’t strengthen the bond between parents and baby, but they don’t need to do every single bottle for that bond to happen. Also if OP was that worried MIL giving a bottle would break the bond she has then she wouldn’t let her mum do it either….

@YellowHatt "What is the actual benefit of MIL feeding?"

It will make her happy.

Baby will pick up if you're stressed or anxious... If that's the case are we saying it's equally damaging for a stressed parent to feed a baby? Of course not.

This is literally all overblown nonsense. I feel sorry for you new mums, really.

My ds and Dil were very happy for us and her parents to feed their DC's. It was something of a blessing when she was rushed into hospital when dgc was just a few weeks old, and had to remain there for several weeks, some of that in hdu. The GPS became the main carers for dgc as ds had to return to work and also wanted to spend time with his wife in the hospital. Even when Dil returned home, she was not able to hold dgc to feed them for a few weeks. Thankfully, none of it seems to have had any detrimental effect on dgc who has a very close and loving bond with both parents and both sets of GPS.
I think ops attitude towards her mil is rather sad, especially as she has allowed her DM to to do what she won't allow her mil to do.

There's 2 key points that stuck out on the OP for me.

Reflux baby - need to be held slightly differently for feeding and paced feeding to help reduce discomfort. Anyone who has had a baby with silent reflux knows what hell can ensue when this doesn't happen so I'm guessing that this is why the OP wants to be more comfortable with MIL learning babies needs through frequent visits. Just guessing though

THE BABIES DAD TOLD HER NO - I don't know why everyone is piling on OP for this decision. He told his own mother no and she decided to come round and attempt a divide and conquer manoeuvre thinking that she could cry and get what she wanted. She obviously views her DIL as the weak link.

It probably wasn't the best idea to point out your mum feeds the baby though OP, it probably did sting for your MIL, but I get it. My own mum fed my first but ex MIL got one chance and never was allowed again. Exceptional circumstances though in that my first had a cleft palate and had to be held a certain way, Ex MIL didn't listen and immediately started laying baby down in her arms which resulted in my newborn choking and spluttering on the milk.

That Organically Maddie woman is comedy gold.

I don't believe for a minute believe a bond is so fragile between parents and child that an odd feed would break it,

Of course not, but many youngs mums may lack confidence or feel insecure regarding the bond with their baby or in their mothering abilities.

People are so quick to complain when grand parents and wider family aren't interested, when they have no childcare ever etc. Stuff like this is why.

Your baby won't love you any less because grandma gives them the occasional bottle!

Reflux babies are a bit tricky sure, but you know...it's feeding a baby. It's pretty damn simple. 'MIL, it's better if you hold them like this' and DONE.

Your MIL doesn't need to feed the baby in order to bond with him (how did grandmother ever bonded with their grandchildren before formula was invented) and if you feel uncomfortable with her feeding him, it's your prerogative.
That being said it might be worth it exploring if there are deeped issues that might explain it. When my baby was a newborn I absolutely hated my family in law (MIL and BIL) feeding or holding the baby, that was more because of their attitude towards me than anything. They are a family who tend to gossip and comment other people's lives as they breathe. Naturally when I got the pregnant the unsollicited opinions went on full blast daily: you chose THAT hospital to give birth to?/ Should you cycle during pregnancy?/ you HAVE to do the NIPT/ you should not be vegetarian during pregnancy/ even though you have GD you can eat apple pie, etc... (not to mention the unsollicited belly touching and commenting on the baby stuff we had bought). After I gave birth they came to visit, they did not bring food to eat or some basic grocery shopping like kindly we asked them, they barged in with their unsolicited advice (you should not do baby wearing, it will get him too clingy - said when our baby was 5 days old, you should not eat cabbage if you're breastfeeding -said by my MIL who had never breastfed-) demanding to hold and feed the baby. I felt they treated my like an incubator/breeding cow/handmaid, who was there to produce a new baby to play with when they felt like it and whose opinion or well-being didn't matter. Also, like many others, feeding was a sore point as I really wanted to breastfeed and encountering difficulties and resorting to exclusive pumping felt like a loss of a bond (it's not, but that how I felt then).

I have 3 DS and was unable to even consider breastfeeding for various reasons, DH and DM were present at all 3 births and my DM gave all 3 their first bottles in the hospital. It would never have occurred to me to refuse anyone that wanted a turn, I had no idea midwives even suggested otherwise these days. I’m so glad I involved others due to me becoming ill when DS2 was a few weeks old as it meant DH could work and I knew DS2 was in good hands.
Tbh I’ve always been a bit bemused by parents that proudly say “DS or DD is now 6 years old and we’ve never been apart for a single night”. That’s not preparing them should an unexpected hospital stay occur for example
Just relax a little OP it’s easy to become a little controlling in certain areas when other parts of your life seem bewildering but grandparents play such an important role in a child’s development, just insist on staying in the room if that makes you feel more comfortable.

Yabu the baby is 3 months old and you changed your eyes for your own mum the other Gran should get same privileges