Should I let other people feed my baby?

[newmumma2000]

My baby is now 11 weeks old and I have been exclusively feeding him by a bottle after expressing my milk. I did want to breastfed but after a difficult birth, an emergency section and a difficult recovery, he struggled to latch so I just stuck with pumping. I found this hard intially but we found our rhythm and it has been going well. I decided that I wanted only me and my husband to feed him intially as I felt that as his parents we should be able to meet his basic needs, of which feeding is one. I also wanted to protect that bond that people talk about when they feed their babies. Perhaps, I was also slightly protective of my baby wanting to only see myself and my husband as his caregivers and try to experience the bond that breastfeeding mums say they have with their baby by limiting who feeds him.

After a six weeks, as my mum came round two or three times she asked if she could feed him and after some hesitation, I said I was happy for her too if she was patient with me and so after a few visits and her feeding my baby how I wanted her top (reflux baby), I now feel comfortable with her feeding me without me being there. This gave me some freedom tk have some me time pr to nap when she was over without me having to wake up. Currently only myself, husband and mum feed him.

I was at my MIL this weekend and she asked my husband could she feed our baby and my husband said no. She came over to my house yesterday and we were talking, and she asked me why my husband had said no and then proceeded to breakdown and cry. I felt really bad, but I explained my reasons as above and I said I was happy for her to feed my baby if her and my FIL visited us more. They live an hour away and only visit every two weeks. My mum lives 40 minutes and visits at least three times a week. I explained thaty own mum had ro be patient with me and I said I was very protective of who fed him. She then said she didn't understand as feeding a baby was feeding a baby and she had two children of her own. I felt like she didn't understand my reasons, but I just wanted to see if people thought I was beinb unreasonable by not letting her feed him if she isn't willing to visit more so that I feel comfortable. Others have asked like my dad and friends have asked and my response have been the same which is no.

AIBU - Should I let other people feed him and I am being too controlling?

It is NOT controlling. Don't be guilt tripped into doing something you're not comfortable with. Your baby is not a toy. If your MIL wants someone to feed, she should get a pet.

To all those who are saying that MIL needs to feed to create a bond. There are other ways to bond with a baby. Mine was breastfed so never fed by grandparents (or dad, in fact) and they have a beautiful bond and adore each other.

I think this is one of the times where trying to explain the feelings is worse that just leaving it very vague.
I really hated other people holding my baby too long because afterwards they would smell wrong, especially if the person wore perfume or was a smoker (no one smoked holding the baby obviously but I could still smell it!). There was not really a way to explain that one to people that wouldn’t offend them. I would wash my baby as soon as they’d gone and then do some skin to skin and they’d smell right again.

Honestly the most batshit bullshit impractical advice I've ever heard. What magical device did they use to determine how bonded a baby is to its parents, and how sole feeding is a driver of that?

I bet the advice was only you feed the baby in the very earliest days to establish breastfeeding and it's been garbled into this crap.

No, YANBU and you are not being controlling.

I have EBF both my children but if we had had to bottle feeding there’s absolutely no way I would have let anyone else do it.

Your MIL has had her turn so she can cut the dramatics.

It seems a bit mean to just let one nana feed and its not their fault they live further away. Presumably it will be ok for them to feed baby if you ever ask them to babysit. My sister was so protective over hers that she wouldn't let me even change a nappy in case I upset baby.

What makes you think your bond would have been weaker if others had fed your child?

If your not comfortable then don’t do it.

DS turned 1 in December and when he was born since we formula fed from birth, I was told to keep it to mum and dad feeding him for the first few weeks.

We always allowed Grandparents to feed him and bonding was never an issue at all.

I'd let MIL feed baby personally.

It's only 1 feed every 2 weeks from mil. I would probably let it go

Yeah I think at 11 weeks it’s fine to let others feed him. I get at the start you do want to build that bond together but 1 bottle out of however many a day given by grandparents isn’t going to make a big difference.
I found it was a learning curve (or a refresher course) for grandparents just as much as it was for us, so to be able to confidently hand baby over to them in the future (babysitting,childcare etc) they need to have a go at feeding id say. Same with nappy changes etc, I’ve never seen people so excited to change a baby’s nappy and my mum and MIL 😂.

Your bond will not be broken if someone else feeds your baby, where do people get this stuff 🤯🤯 If your mum is allowed to feed the baby then so should your MIL, what do you think is going to happen?!

Mental that children bonded to their parents have walked the earth for millennia without bollocks 'advice' from people who know better.

I feel like I should add to my previous post that both grannies did eventually feed the babies and they are super close and involved!

Not feeding DC2 has made absolutely no difference whatsoever to their bond.

We see them 2-3 times a week!

If you were breastfeeding no one would ask to feed the baby 😅 and their relationships would remain!

How can you know the bond is stronger between you and the baby than it would otherwise have been??

As will the mothers bond to the baby if someone else does, what, 1 in 50 feeds...

Sounds like everyone involved is over reacting a bit here. I mean I can see that being passed from pillar to post is not good for a baby but I really doubt that being fed by someone other than the parents from time to time is likely to have a negative effect on a nearly 3 month old baby. However, I can't imagine getting upset over not being able to give a bottle to someone else's baby either so the MIL's reaction seems OTT to me.
Ultimately the parents get to make child rearing decisions of course, but I do think that if you are going to say "only us" then it should actually mean that OP, not "only us and my Mum".
I wonder if MIL's somewhat extreme reaction is really because she feels shut out of her son's new family and sees maternal grandma getting a different deal? The bottle business could be the final straw. In most cases it probably is natural that a new Mum looks to her own Mum for support rather than her MIL but MIL is still an equal grandparent. It can take effort. I am not close to my MIL but she is still my children's grandmother and has relationships with them that are separate to me. Now my children are adults those relationships are their business but when they were little I saw it as my and DH's job to facilitate them, even when it didn't always suit us. Unless relationships with grandparents are actually harmful in some way I think both sets need to be treated as equally as possible.
I don't think it matters massively whether or not either grandma gives baby a bottle but allowing one to do so and the other not to, assuming they both want to and are able to do so safely, is unfair. It's telling MIL that she is not as important or "worthy" as your Mum. If she's already feeling that at this stage I think you're potentially setting up problems for the future. Either let her feed the baby, or don't let your Mum do it, but don't treat them differently.

Your baby is not a football game and you don’t need to concern yourself with ‘fairness’. If you trust one person and not anyone else, that’s your prerogative. I just wouldn’t tell your MIL about it, because you don’t need to justify yourself and it may cause unnecessary upset.

If you are open to it, it may still be possible to move to EBF with support. Pumping and EBF is a huge commitment so well done for getting this far.

All my children have been bottle fed, the first four were also fed by grandparents from a few weeks old. Baby number 5 born at the start of lockdown, no chance for grandparents to fed until at least 6 months, the bond my husband and I have with him is no different. What utter bollocks about it affecting the bond!
Yes op you're being controlling, both your mum and mil are equally your child's grandparents but you seem to think one is better than the other. This is going to cause far more problems in the future if you continue in this vain

FFS what bullshit. I had twins who very regularly were fed by any passing person who was willing. We have bonded just fine.

What a way to make new mums feel even more under pressure.

OP, the way I try and see it is that one of the greatest gifts you can give your baby is to love and be loved by as many people as possible. Your bond will not be affected.

Meant to quote the nonsense about only the parents feeding the baby.

I think it's mean not to let MIL feed baby but your own mum is fine.

Gosh I would have given an arm and a leg for a nice kindly woman to offer to feed my babies when they were that young! I do think you’re being a bit too controlling OP, sorry, and I think you’ll look back and be a bit mortified. No big deal - we can all be a bit PFB about things

I'm breastfeeding my newborn at the moment and breastfed my other child for 7-8 months too. I honestly don't think we have any stronger a bond than we would have if I'd decided to exclusively bottle feed both of them - no matter who gave the bottles. Thankfully they both took bottles happily also so there was no problem leaving them with grandparents for awhile. We only do one bottle a day (for supply reasons) but I'll happily let anyone who wants to give that bottle!

Sorry I can't really relate to how you're feeling because you me feeding isn't any big deal, not compared to all the hours we spent contact napping and playing and cuddling etc. It's your baby and your feelings though so it's up to you what you feel comfortable with. It's understandable that your MIL finds it strange though.

I don't understand people who don't let close family feed their baby. It's a lovely thing to do and grandparents want to bond too. It's so precious to restrict it to you, dh and one grandmother. No wonder mil is upset. It's very mean to restrict feeding to one gm merely because she lives closer to you. Maybe mil can't visit more so she feels you will never seen her as capable of feeding her own gc.

Erm weird 4 babies and never had a problem with it and I've fed any friends babies nobody ever brought this up lol