Did you choose to bottle feed and why?

[Alexandersmummy]

I am currently 40 wks + 5 days and want to bottle feed, as I did with my first but feel under increasing pressure to breast feed from midwife. I was just wondering if you bottle fed did you feel this pressure and how did you cope?
I know all the good reasons to breast feed but it's not for me, I feel uncomfy with it.
I'd really appreciate any comments!

haven't read whole thread but why the need to "teach" how to make a bottle, or sterilise??!

read the instructions on the back of the packet

even my 14yo neighbour (boy) made a bottle to help me out once, he just read the back of the box.

what's to learn?!?!?!? really don't get it.

In fact, amidawish, there's lots to learn about formula. Safety guidance on how to make up a bottle may not be the same as on the pack - unbelievable as it sounds.

In addition, mothers and other carers may need guidance on holding the baby close; not shoving the teat in; not struggling to get the baby to drain the bottle; that babies fed with bottles need to be fed responsively and not scheduled; how to know when to change bottles and teats for new ones; not bottle propping; not putting anything else in the bottle. It would also be helpful for mothers to learn the difference between different formulations; to know that the actual difference between brands is probably very small; to avoid follow on until 6 mths and even then to understand it's not necessary; to understand the very real health risks of formula; to know that though it is hard, they can bring back a breastmilk supply with support and dedication if they decide to.

You don't get all that on a tin. I would like to see mothers who are using formula get this information post-natally, not all in one go, necessarily, but over a few sessions, one to one.

just felt the need to add that i think tiktok is wonderful

Careful, Diva, people will say it's cliquey on here....

tiktok - thats the first time I've ever heard you say anything positive about ff info for women so I am grateful for that as I totally agree that more info is required for those that need it.

However, if people are ff'ing right from the start - when do you propose they get the info to which you refer ? Surely from the start is crucial...?

Divastrop - sorry but I've never heard such hero worship - aren't you a bit embarrassed ? You can show your support for someone without a** kissing !

Looby, I have always argued for more information for formula feeding women - I am totally consistent on this.

But this has to be given ethically.

I think we should be open and honest about the health effects of formula feeding. This means letting all women know antenatally that there are risks with ff, not as a 'lecture' but as a dialogue, in which women can share their concerns about what 'method' to choose, ask questions, express fears about breastfeeding (people rarely have fears about formula feeding - but if they do, they can be shared as well).

Deliberately demo-ing a ff antenatally is not ethical as it normalises ff - and the normality of ff is one of the reasons why it can be harder to breastfeed. However, if someone was adamant they would have to ff, and had serious worries about how to do it, then I think individualised care would mean it would be acceptable to demo it - as a routine, though, demo-ing ff can wait until the baby is born. All the stuff about how to do it (see my post below) can be done postnatally - there's time to do it then, and when the baby is here, what is said just makes more sense.

Antenatal 'instruction' in breastfeeding is important, and ethical, because, again as I said, there is a very common lack of confidence, lack of belief, and huge mis-conceptions about breastfeeding, which it can be helpful to address before the baby is born - it can take time to build confidence and challenge mythology.

Of course ff mothers need information - I wish they could get the correct information more easily. Instead, the 'information' they get is a disgrace. They don't know what goes into formula; they are given recommendations for brands as being 'closest to breastmilk' (poppycock); they read ads and promotions on packs which give spurious health claims; instructions on safe preparation may or may not be given....I could go on

OK Tiktok - maybe I should have said I haven't seen you put across the concerns you have so succintly.

I don't think everyone should be given demo's etc - for the reasons you state. I'm pro breast feeding too !! I have friends who took to it like ducks to water and successfully bf their little ones long after me.

Have just been reading another post where the reasons about why rates are so low are being discussed - phew - much more relxing to to read than this one.

When reading this thread, it's really difficult to remain neutral emotionally when you had such a poor experience the first time and gave up - and others who had difficulties continued. You can't help but feel you weren't good enough - when you already feel bad about stopping . But you know my posts well enough by now to know that I can't be convinced second time around....... another lo due in May....

Looby, feeding your baby, however it's done, is more than just getting milk into an infant stomach. It is part of the relationship you have with your baby, and I think there is an instinctive appreciation of this in all mothers (and probably fathers, too).

Sometimes, women are terrified of not being able to breastfeed - I come across women all the time in classes and afterwards who have this fear. I don't think it is fear of being ostracised socially or criticised - it's a fear of disappointment and regret.

When women have massive problems with bf, they are sometimes scared to ask for help. Why? because they are worried that the person they ask for help from will say 'goodness me, there's no hope for you! Put the baby on the bottle immediately!' And actually, this can happen, so it is not a daft fear at all....obv if you ask the 'right' person it doesn't happen, but which new mum is sure of that?

One way of protecting oneself from that terrible fear and the risk of disappointment is not to breastfeed in the first place - that way, you get the relationship thing going with your baby without the risk of pain, disappointment, sadness and anger at the people who are supposed to help you make it work.

My feeling is that the answer is to ensure as many women as possible have a good breastfeeding experience. You had crap advice - you really did. My answer to that would be to help you understand that a good breastfeeding experience can happen, even after the world's crappest one! But if you decide that even knowing that, the risk is one you want to avoid, then of course you deserve the same support as any one else does. It's for you to decide and for no one else to judge.

Thank you Tiktok. Just thinking about what happened first time round makes me want to cry . At work tho - and shouldn't really be on here so thank you again for your kind words.

Looby

I think there is a lot of unexpressed grief among women who wanted to breastfeed and didn't.

It's a grief that can't even be expressed in its fullness, as it is so 'normal' (culturally) to bottle feed. Many people think someone grieving over not breastfeeding is crackers - 'where's the problem? Baby's got to be fed!' Or 'Baby's alive and kicking - what's wrong with bottle feeding?'

Even to suggest that bottle feeding makes you feel sad is to seem as if you are criticising all the zillions of mothers who choose to do it from the start....so it's hard.

Someone should do some research on this.

Tiktok - luckily noone ever openly said anything to me about it not mattering that I stopped (as you mention above).

It's the unexpressed grief that so many of us experience that I don't feel comfortable sitting back and accepting. I want to help others who went through similar experience to me - but my idea of helping them is just to listen and empathise. Not to listen, empathise and then say - heres how to stop it happening the next time. For me personally, the feelings are just so raw. I understand you don't see that as pressure but when you've been burned so bad by something it's like you couldn't even contemplate doing it again so you don't want people telling you it's possible, if that makes sense.

I actually didn't have problems until after the midwives stopped visiting (not that the 2 were linked) and at that point I had not been given any advice on who to call if I did run into problems. It was just like 'oh, you're OK, you've got the hang of it - see ya'. Then if you do run into trouble, you're just so vulnerable at the time. In your normal mental state you know help is out there but theres so many other things happening for you, you don't react in the way you usually would and get on the net etc.

Looby, I agree about the unexpected grief.

In real life, breastfeeding counsellors listen to many women who have a bad experience first time round. We might come across them at a mother & baby club, other social event, or on the phone.

A good counsellor will listen and empathise and not say 'here's how to stop it happening next time'....we would go at a mother's pace, and be tentative.

I would say, for example (after listening and empathising)....'would you like information about how to stop it happening again?' if this seemed appropriate (it doesn't always). Even here, I invited you to start a new thread if you had questions to ask, and I did not detail how to stop it happening again....I didn't go there!

I did express a hope you would think again, and I am sorry you felt even that was pressure - but I said it because you had already said how bad you had felt about stopping bf. It was not a hope that you would breastfeed again - just that with more info you would give it another thought!

The information about where to get help was appropriate because these threads are public and the info is useful to others.

I never want to put pressure on mothers - it's pointless and unkind. If I did, with my tentative 'hope' you might think again, then I am sorry

I haven't read the whole thread but I tought I'd like to add my experience.
I tried to breast feed DD! and managed 4 days I think. They were the most miserable days of my life. I had been in hospital in labour for 3 days and hadn't slept. My labour ended up with an emergency section under general anesthetic and I lost nearly 2 litres of blood and had to have a blood transfusion.
I don't think my body even made any milk and certainly I know when I switched to bottles DD1 finally stopped crying cause she wasn't hungry any more. I felt hugelly guilty that I couldn't feed her my self but I think my body had just shut down after the traumer of birth and couldn't do any more than repare it self.
With DD2 I thought I'd give breast feeding another go but when she was born 2 weeks early weighing only 5 lb she couldn't keep her self warm and her blood glucose was low. She had to have a blood test before each feed and just to avoid her going in to special care to be put on a drip I decided to bottle feed so at least I could see that she was getting something.
I think I will always regret not breast feeding my daughters but at the end of the day I did what I thought was best for them as their mother.

samson, PPH - which is what it sounds like - can certainly make it harder for mothers to make a good milk supply, and it also makes it hard for mothers to have their babies with them 24/7, just holding them, which we know supports effective and happy bf. You might have needed a lot more help than was available to you, to overcome the difficult start

Agaim second time round, you would have needed a lot of help to build your confidence and support to give milk, perhaps expressed at first....

Totally understandable why you felt the bottle was the right solution for you, but in a better world, everyone who wanted to breastfeed would be enabled to do so, despite major problems at birth

It is a pity, in your case Samson, that your babies couldn't have been offered human milk from the milk bank, to enable you to have time to recover a bit before breastfeeding.

My local hospital said that only prem babies could get the donated bm because of short supply, yet the organisation of milk donation is such that this huge resource is barely tapped. I would have been glad to donate much more than I did, if it had been made convenient for me, eg, milk donation session at my local surgery. There is nowhere near the publicity and system that there is for blood donation.

i wasnt even given the option to feed ds1 from a bottle myself,as i was flat out from all the drugs they'd pumped into me,and despite me telling them i wanted to bf,i woke up to find ds1 gone..he was in the staff room with a mw giving him a bottle,i said 'why didnt you wake me?i want to bf!' and she said 'oh,his blood glucose was down and you needed to sleep'

i dont know how much having his first ever feed from a bottle affected my ability to bf him,but after 5 weeks of trying i was done.i got no support,and when i said i'd decided to ff i was told 'its probably for the best'

what pisses me off even more is that my other 4 children have been deprived of bm cos of that experience.

Diva, this story happens so depressingly often. Sorry your efforts to bf were so sabotaged.

this was 10 years ago in a crappy old maternity hospital which has since been pulled down.i would have thought things were alot different now

oh dive im so for you sweettheart, i also had a pph and i know how shit it makes you feel, it so sad that bf didnt work out for you esp as you struggled so hard for 5 weeks, and went throught the really super hard weeks.
they should of never given your baby a bottle without your permission.

i honestly do believe that my birth experience made bf really hard for me, and that being anemic and lossing alot of blood definatly affects your milk supply.and that combine with thm giving your baby a bottle to start with it just all mounts up againt you, doesnt it.

Diva that nearly happened to me when dd was born I had difficulty breastfeeding after very long labour, dd taken to SCBU she developed jaundice, issues with blood sugar.
on 2nd night was ambushed by staff in the middle of the night saying 'do you want your baby to die?' you must give bottle which I did in tears.

but dh helped me and eventually we managed to get back on bf an old locum nurse helped me hand express and I ended up bf for over 2yrs

not thanks to hospital

am really for you

Good to find this thread. I felt pushed into breastfeeding because of the breast is best message and felt I shouldn't be considering formula.

After 2 and a half weeks I was a nervous wreck, knackered by this newborn feeding every 2 hours and so on Boxing Day after a Christmas Day spent in bed crying, I sent hubby out for Aptimil and have been mixing ever since.

I agree the pressure could potentially contribute to PND as I was feeling so hopeless and guilty by the time I introduced bottle. But do you know I would recomend it wholeheartedly to anyone struggling to bfeed as you have enough to cope with in the early weeks and it means Daddy can help out!