Did you choose to bottle feed and why?

[Alexandersmummy]

I am currently 40 wks + 5 days and want to bottle feed, as I did with my first but feel under increasing pressure to breast feed from midwife. I was just wondering if you bottle fed did you feel this pressure and how did you cope?
I know all the good reasons to breast feed but it's not for me, I feel uncomfy with it.
I'd really appreciate any comments!

Looby I am not surprised you felt so bad.

There are four breastfeeding helpline numbers in the UK, and at least one is open 24/7. NCT's breastfeeding line is 8 am to 10 pm. You will always be called back the same day if you leave a message (unless something goes wrong....v. occasionally it does) if you are not dealt with direct. All these lines are run by volunteers, from their own homes, and all mothers should have the numbers given by midwives, especially if midwives are as useless as the one you got What she told you was awful - separating you from your baby like that is unkind and unnecessary, and unhelpful for engorgement, too.

Don't hate NCT. The number you rang was a real person, a mother, probably with a job outside the home, and always with her own children. A call back 3 days later is very poor service, but sometimes things happen in people's lives that get in the way.

I so agree that it is wrong to promote bf without the matching service that helps people when they hit a problem. If you want to think again about bf this next baby, then post some questions on another thread. You might have a far better experience next time, and the thing you wanted to know before - do I feed on same side after 5 mins or what? - is an easy enough thing for bfcs and others to answer,

Only read Op, but wanted to add what i think....

why are you uncomfortable with bf?...is it the bf in public?....would you consider trying to bf?.....if not then just stick to bottles you've used them before and you must be happy with the end result, so it will make you happy. But if you are happy to consider trying to breastfeed then i'd whole heartedly reccomend trying...even with an open mind of 'i'll give the first few feeds and see how it goes'....at least then you can always say you tried!!

I think it's a fine line between encouraging a mum to continue and that mum feeling pressured to continue.

I bottle fed ds1 after two weeks of bf. My mum bottlefed all three of us so couldn't offer me her experience, I had no idea of correct latch or anything and when I spoke to my hv about my difficulties in settling ds she said I should stop, give formula and a dummy. Which I did.

Looking back I would have preferred her to offer me support and encourage me to continue but at the time would I have seen that as pressure? I don't know.

If you know all the good reasons you should bfeed, but still do not feel it is for you, then simply state your position to your MW and that is that. The one conclusion I have come to is whatever decision you make as a mother comes into question by people. You have made your decision and be happy with it.

I was forced to bottlefedd number 4 as she was brain damaged and couldn't suck properly. All those bottles! All that washing and sterilising. Hadn't realised how much work it all was. She still uses a bottle 4 years on and we've weathered the nasty comments.

I gave formula in addition to bf after 6 days as my nipples were so badly cracked and sore that I used to cry for the whole time. The midwife laughed when I asked her if it was ok to give formla saying of course!!! I combination fed for about a month or so before moving onto just formula. I put a huge amount of pressure on myself to continue breastfeeding and felt like a total failure for not achieving it properly. Looking back now it really stopped me from enjoying those first few weeks properly and made things a lot harder than they needed to be. I think at the end of the day as much as bf is best, so is a calm and in control parent. I really regret the fact that I spent so much time in my childs first weeks miserable instead of just enjoying what really is a special time. You will have to weather the comments but you have to ignore them. I think there are more important aspects of parenting in the first few months than bf. Just be firm with your mw that you've made your decision and that's how it's going to be and concentrate on enjoying those first few weeks.

I chose to bottlefeed (i.e. FF) from day 1 as I felt it was the easiest option. I planned this before the birth but having had an horrific birth which left me extremely weak for ages (very heavy blood loss at birth) I am so glad I had planned to bottle feed. While there are bottles to wash and bottles to make up...... this can be shared!!! Night-time feeds can (and were!) shared. I hardly slept at all during pregnancy and don't know how I would have coped with further sleep loss after the birth (and esp given how ill I was) so it was great that first night out of hospital to get a full night sleep!!
I've heard a lot of people comment about bottle feeding being awkward re going out etc...its not at all! You can (and I did!) buy disposable (pre-sterilised) bottles and ready made cartons....which are brilliant! I am 100% happy with my choice and agree 100% looby - it is a personal choice. Mothers should be supported for the choice they have made if it is clear they are informed of the + and - of both choices. Because there are + and - to both choices. I have felt bombarded with questions about breastfeeding from time to time (mostly family) but have answered all questions very frankly...and abruptly when felt was being pressurised and those concerned soon backed away! For me the most important thing I felt was that I was content and this is what is best for my baby - me being content!
My baby is very happy and healthy by the way

Tiktok - thanks for your kind words - as you can tell, nearly 2 years on and I'm still bitter about the experience. I do know it could all be different with this baby but as I found it such a relief to move to bottles (not least cos my dh could help), I want to try and enjoy the first few weeks of this babies life. Too much is at stake for me to risk it. I didn't mean to offend anyone with my comment about the NCT, but I was offered this womans number as a lifeline at probably the hardest time of my life so far and she wasn't there. The fact I didn't hop on the net and get the number of one of the many support organisations available is testament to my state of mind at the time. Counttoten -I feel so bad for you because I know how you must have felt - your pain sounds terrible. I genuinely think people must be martyrs to keep feeding through the pain you have described. Is it really worth it? To them it must be. OK I don't know about the effect of bottle feeding to my dd's health in the long term, but at the age of nearly 2 she is rarely ill (touch wood) and I know other kids, who were bf who have chest problems, eczema etc. Becka - my birth was a bad one too - her shoulders got stuck and the emergency buzzer got pressed - there were about 9 people in the room when she was dragged out - I don't remember any of it, probably because I blocked it out - it really takes it out of you. I have mates who were out walking with their new babies the day after birth - this would have been unthinkable for me so I know where you're coming from. I'm grateful for your support and respect the confidence you had to say what you wanted from day 1. Again Alexandersmum - apologies for hijacking your thread - I'm new to Mumsnet so don't know if there are any alternatives to me writing on your thread. Maybe you have given birth by now and looking on here will be the last thing you're thinking of doing ??

Looby, to start a new thread, just follow the link in 'to creat a new conversation.....' at the top of the topic list in the folder. Actually there are a few ways to start a new thread.

I can so understand why you felt let down when you didn't get a call back I worry about people having high expectations - usually we meet them, but sometimes we can"t. People go away for a break, or the message does not get passed on, voice mail systems fail to work etc etc.

I hope you'll think again about bf and maybe explain to the m/w how poor the help was last time - it doesn't have to be like that, truly. Despite you being happy about your decision to stop, you are still sad about not bf, and it sounds as if you have a sense that you missed out on something good. This might happen this time round

Hi tiktok - I knew I could start a new thread in the right topic folder but don't know how that would be linked to this one. If I wanted to respond to your post but did so in a new folder, how would you know ? Would I have to stay on this thread and direct you to it ? I was handed the NCT breast feeding counsellors number by a long standing NCT member who knew I was really struggling. If there was any chance noone was going to be there to assist me - shouldn't she have directed to me to a helpline which is staffed all the time? I needed an immediate answer to my question after all. Completely understand that people go on holiday - have to go out etc - therefore shouldn't helplines be staffed by people on an 'on call' basis ? What I missed out on was the first 3 weeks of my daughters life - and this was due to breast feeding and the fact that it didn't suit me as a person. I understand it wouldn't necessarily be the same with this baby but I'm not willing to take the risk because the price is too high. Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall when I keep explaining this to pro breast feeders and they still persist in trying to encourage me to breast feed. Can you understand that it's this sort of thing that makes people like me feel pressured - and guilty? I probably sound ungrateful and I'm sorry for that because I know you're trying to help me xx.

Looby, if you posted a new thread, I'd find you anyway 'cos of looking at most of the threads in this folder

But.....I am sorry the counsellor took 3 days to get back to you Not a good service, I know, and we normally do a lot better than that, despite it being voluntary and from our homes. The person who gave you the no. should have given you a helpline no,, I agree, and I don't know why she didn't. Maybe she thought you would get a better service phoning someone she knew was local.

"What I missed out on was the first 3 weeks of my daughters life - and this was due to breast feeding and the fact that it didn't suit me as a person."

That's understandbly upsetting, but that's not what I understood from your post - I understood that you stopped bf largely because you were unable to get good help to deal with a physical problem, but if it didn't suit you as a person (that is, you didn't like doing it) then I can appreciate you don't want to try again.

" Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall when I keep explaining this to pro breast feeders and they still persist in trying to encourage me to breast feed. Can you understand that it's this sort of thing that makes people like me feel pressured"

Yes But if you don't spell it out, that you didn't like doing it, how are they supposed to know? They can't guess at your feelings, and instead, like me, assumed that it was the painful and uncomfortable experience you didn't want.

" - and guilty? I probably sound ungrateful and I'm sorry for that because I know you're trying to help me xx."

Yep Will shut up now!!

Hi Tiktok - you're right, I couldn't get the right help when I needed it but - but who's to say this won't happen again ? I know there are all these resources available to me now - but I still might have problems that can't be resolved, even with the help - and thats the risk I'm not willing to take. If I don't even try it, I know 100% I won't get the problems. Thats how badley scarred by the experience I was. I have a fab dd now and in addition to everything I've said, I think it will be easier to bottle feed with her around. I'll shut up now - but thank you again for your interest in my story. By the way, I fully support others who want to do it and lots of my friends have got their lo's latched on and never looked back because everything has been straight forward for them.

"I so agree that it is wrong to promote bf without the matching service that helps people when they hit a problem"

Slightly OT but.....
TikTok - do you really believe this? I've heard a lot of people say this and used to say it myself. I've changed my mind now.

It's like arguing that we should stop encouraging people to give up smoking because there aren't enough smoking cessation services available on the NHS, and at the same time allowing tobacco manufacturers free rein with advertising.

Formula manufacturers spend millions on promoting their products - it would be completely insane to let them dominate the debate on infant feeding while we wait for the government to put a decent breastfeeding support infrastructure in place. They had a free run of the market place in the 1960's and 70's and it nearly destroyed breastfeeding in this country.

I know that promoting bf without the necessary support services in place has to a certain extent created a backlash against breastfeeding - I appreciate that, but even so - breastfeeding promotion in the UK has really increased the number of babies getting breastmilk (albeit for a very short time) so, with reservations, overall it's got to be a good thing.

Sabire, I do still think that. I don't think all promotion of breastfeeding should completely cease until absolutely all the right support services are in place, though!

Both promotion and support work best when they are in harmony, and seen as two halves of the same action.

Where breastfeeding has increased most , it has been the result of both promotion and support - this is shown in research, where the biggest changes in bf initiation are seen in Baby Friendly hospitals which do more than promote bf, but also change institutional structures to ensure the best support.

I tried to breastfeed my DD when she was first born but felt weird to me so decided to bottle feed on Cow & Gate

MM - what was it, do you think, that put you off? I think a lot of mothers feel it's a bit weird, 'cos it's a new thing and feels strange...but not weird = 'bad' , or weird = 'got to stop doing this'. It's weird that it should be weird, when you think about it...babies, on the whole, don't think it's weird at all

What might help you overcome this feeling next time?

Tiktok i breastfed for the first day or so as they say its the best time, and DD practically latched on as soon as she was born anyway just felt weird not in a bad way but kinda freaked me out lol.
I'll prob do same again next time but will express my milk for bottle feeding.

MM - if it felt weird but not in a bad way....then how about thinking again about it and seeing if you can keep going until the weird feeling goes?!

Expressing and giving in a bottle is a hassle, though of course some women have no option. But it doesn't have the full impact of direct breastfeeding - it is absolutely not the same (though it is better than formula feeding).

I felt weird with DD, wasn't too bad with DS only lasted a few days, then I loved it.

I prob will give another go when next one arrives like i tried with DD and see how i get on.

Tiktok - you're probably sick of me now but I'll say it anyway. What is it in you that makes you want to 'lead' people towards breastfeeding ? I've read your corres with Muppetmuggle. If she says she felt weird - I'm intrigued as to why you can't just accept that. It looks like she'd try it again anyway (which is great) - but you'd said 'how about thinking about it again' even before she'd said that. I know you probably don't feel you're putting any pressure on her - but couple pro breast feeders like yourself with the kind of pressure you see sat in an ante natal clinic and don't you think this is how women wind up feeling guilty if they can't or don't want to ? I don't imagine there are bottle feeding MNers out there so pro actively promoting bottle feeding in the way you promote breast feeding.(Sorry muppetmuggle for putting in my two penneth)

Can't read all of the posts now, but If YOU want to bottle feed, DO IT!

DON'T LET THE MW PRESSURE YOU INTO ANYTHING!

YOUR body, child, YOUR disicion!

I bottle fed my DD because she was so tiny, had to feed every 3 hours and I didn't get any sleep.
That is one of the reason, but the 1st reason is I DIDN'T WANT TO!

OK, Looby, good question which I will try to answer.

In real life I do not 'lead' people to breastfeeding. I am a breastfeeding counsellor, with NCT, but most people outside my inner circle don't even know I am. Bfcs respond when people ask for help and support with bf, and we don't offer it uninvited.

Mumsnet is a talkboard, and we talk about 'stuff', having conversations about anything, in this case, breastfeeding (this is the breast and bottle feeding folder, after all ) So I feel it is ok to have a conversation about people's experiences and opinions, especially when they have volunteered them - if people don't want to share their experiences and have people respond to these experiences, then I assume they would not post to a talkboard.

I happen to know that breastfeeding can be a very rewarding thing to do, and richly beneficial to mother and baby. It's something I feel sad that many mothers don't experience - I am fully aware that no one would want a rubbish experience or a painful one, or an uncomfortable one, of course. I also know that for many women, bf can feel 'weird' at first, and they get over that. Having got over it, they go on to have a joyful, warm, breastfeeding relationship with their baby.

I am also aware of the important health impact that not breastfeeding can have on a baby, who has no choice in the matter! So if I think that getting over the 'weird' feeling is worth a try, for the rich rewards of all sorts, why would I not mention 'thinking about it again' on a talkboard? I hardly think this is 'pro-actively promoting breastfeeding' in the heavy-handed way you imply

And it is certainly not 'pressure', surely.....

If MM had said she felt weird=bad about breastfeeding, I would have left it there - some people have a history or emotional baggage that might be private that affects the way they think about their breasts, which is why I checked out what 'sort of weird' she felt.

Hope this clears that up. I don't feel I have anything to apologise for!

"you're probably sick of me now but I'll say it anyway. What is it in you that makes you want to 'lead' people towards breastfeeding ?"

I can't answer for Tiktok, but if someone asked the same question of me I'd say 'in a general sense because I think all babies deserve to be breastfed and they need advocates to put forward the case for it as they can't put it forward for themselves'.

I'm always a bit shocked by the way that the long term health and development benefits of breastfeeding are pushed aside with a casual 'happy mummy, happy baby' comment, as though the only thing that really counts when considering how to feed a baby is what's best and easiest for mum. We don't apply that sort of reasoning to any other parenting choice that might affect our children in the long term - we accept that there are times when we'll need to put our own feelings and comfort second in order to give our children the opportunity to reach their full potential. I'm not saying people 'should' breastfeed no matter what the cost to them physically or emotionally or should torture themselves over it, but I DO feel at the very least that we owe it to our babies to find out as much as we can and to talk through our decision with someone knowledgeable, who understands the physical, social and emotional pressures that underpin the choice to breast or bottlefeed.

I personally don't accept that most mums make this decision in full possession of the facts about both breast and bottlefeeding and I think that's categorically a bad thing. There was a study recently showing that a third of women didn't discuss their choice of feeding method with a midwife during pregnancy - I know I never did when I was pregnant with my first. And even if you do get to talk about it then it's usually just a five minute chat, a leaflet and a bucket load of platitudes and half-truths. I'd bet my bottom dollar that most first time mums spend more time researching which pushchair to buy than the differences between the two ways of feeding their baby. And I don't know anyone who's been offered a real chance to properly talk through their FEELINGS about breastfeeding with a knowledgable person before they have their baby. In my view that's wrong.

I knew nothing about either breast or bottlefeeding when I had my first. I chose to breastfeed because I thought it was 'natural' and it would be a 'nice' experience. It didn't turn out to be anything like what I thought it would be - it was painful and difficult and put me under lots of stress, but I stuck it out because I was too befuddled to swap, and as my baby wasn't suffering I thought - this is working for her, so I'll make it work for me.

I've also been addicted to reading debates on this subject on internet boards and have come to the conclusion that there's a lot of ignorance about this subject - far, far too much for anyone who cares about mums and babies generally to feel complacent about.

And I'm very grateful that there are people like Tiktok - because if it wasn't for women like her there would be hundreds and thousands more mums out there who wouldn't experience the benefits of breastfeeding, for themselves or their babies. If breastfeeding wasn't encouraged by people who care and who are knowledgeable, hardly any babies would end up being breastfed - modern society is all about choosing the easiest options, and for many women for the first few weeks of their baby's life, bottlefeeding seems easier than breastfeeding.

i am really struggling on this one as i can see both sides of the "argument"

I was adamant i was going to breastfeed my DD and Ds (now 5yrs and 2.5yrs)but they both lost too much weight and despite all the advice i got i couldnt increase my milk supply enough for them.

I am now overdue with no 3 and only today had the courage to actually go and buy some formula.

I feel like everyone else "does" breastfeed so to hear tiktok comment that it is still a relatively rare phenomenon in the uk seems to be an underestimation. (However i am sure as a counsellor she knows all the research and stats)

Yes when i was advised to formula feed it wasnt a case of heres how to ff while increasing your supply, more a case of get some food into the baby before they become poorly. At the time i felt like there should have been more support on offer rather than all the calls and net research i had to do, but looking back i wonder if that would have increased the pressure even more and made me feel more of a failure than i already did.

It is only in the latter stages of this pregnancy that i have come to realise just how little my breasts have changed or prepared for Bf. Even less than the last 2 pregnancies. I could try and BF and have a hungry poorly baby, two children who have even less time with Mummy than a normal sibling of a BF baby, a tired Mummy (my other 2 barely slept until FF) who feels a failure to all her family.

But if the pressure to BF wasnt so intense, i could let go of this feeling of being torn and a failure no matter which way i go, i could be more confident in my decision to FF knowing it was the best for me and my baby. And this in turn would make a better start for me and mine....

As it stands i am thinking of faffing about trying to get what little colostrum i do produce into my little while topping up with FF but have no idea how to go about it and dont feel able to appraoch professionals about for fear of a conversation similar to tiktoks above.

I know BF is best, i would like to do it, but i just cant. I tried all the bizz to increase supply the last time and its going to be even harder to establish this time with more children to look after.

All BF counsellors: i know you mean well, and i almost wish i "knew you" when i had my first, and its great that you can offer all your knowledge help and support to so many when they desperatly need it, but sometimes all your passion can only serve to make FF feel even worse than they already do, and it almost feels like your pushing a religion down someones throat in a cult like manner. Especially when someone just cant Bf rather than chooses not to.

please note i do not wish to offend anyones role in this very impotant issue, just please...sometimes step back and realise that Bf isnt for all, for whatever reason. There is enough guilt attached to this parenting lark without us Mums making each other feel even worse.

I think i mean in a nutshell, that giving well meant BF advice (unless asked for it) may only serve to increase some negative attitudes and feelings. Please dont assume that every FF mum just couldnt be bothered or has no regard or intelligence for her childs health. i know quite a few Mums who agonised over letting go of Bf and feel so much guilt for doing so, when really they had no other choice.

(Irish mammy runs,and hides)