Worried about my wife.......

[BritishBeef]

Hi there,
My son is only 2 weeks old and we are already at our limits. I guess that sounds pathetic and both my wife and I feel failures to be feeling this way so early on.

My wife had a lot of problems breastfeeding in during the first week due to our son having a very strong suction and also managing to 'click' whilst sucking which caused my wife so much pain that she cried whilst feeding. We had 3 different midwives confirm that he was latched on perfectly and couldn't work out what was going wrong. Things got better a few days ago and breastfeeding was bearable. In the last few days however, our son has been wanting feeding every 2 hours and his feeding time has lengthened to an hour or more meaning that my wife is feeding as much as she's not including 3 times during the night and again her nipples are getting painful. The rest of the time he is really grisly and won't settle meaning we are getting no rest. We tried winding etc. but no use. We take him out in the afternoon for an hour (he will usually sleep then). Yesterday he was awake for the best part of 16 hours out of 24 and most of that was grisly or crying.

Today, he's doing his feeding cues straight after an hour long feed. The feed is not constant and by the end it's as if he's just comfort sucking but like I said, as soon as he's removed from the breast he makes out that he wants feeding again. My wife changes breasts half way through but still no joy.

His weight is fine and when we discuss these sorts of things with the MW's they just say there's no problem because his weight is fine.

My real concern however is the strain on my wife. She's very tearful lately and says she can't cope anymore with the constant feeding and no rest. I'm finding it nearly as stressful and as I have suffered the last 5 years with mental illness (anxiety, stress, OCD, health anxiety) I am worried about myself too. I don't want to become depressed like I have in the past and I really don't want my wife to go down that route either.

We are considering switching to formula but that makes us feel total failures and guilty especially as the MW's have rammed it down our necks that not to breastfeed is wrong.

I really don't know what to do and would appreciate some advice.

BB: DS was a very noisy breather as well. If you're worried, go to the GP and get it checked out ( I did and there was nothing wrong but it made me feel better).

BB - good to read an update. Can I suggest again you speak to someone from one of the vol orgs who help mothers with bf? They won't judge and will be supportive.

I don't think your HV has been 100 per cent helpful, to be honest - her suggestion of giving formula has not helped your baby settle and formula at this early stage can undermine bf

Sounds to me like your baby is going to be happiest held closely as often as possible, maybe in a sling, by you or your wife. That will certainly help him sleep and settle and be less grisly.

You might want to think about co-sleeping to ease the night feeds and to help post-feed settling.

At 3 weeks, babies are usually feeding many, many times in 24 hours, with the feeds hard to count as separate feeds sometimes.

Don't know about the noisy breathing except to say lots of babies snuffle and wheeze like a steam train and there is nothing wrong....but the HV or GP should be able to check this out

BB - my daughter was a shocking napper when she was very small, and I think the idea of keeping them with you a lot is a good one. The other thing I wanted to add is that for me, oddly, the next best thing to sleep was exercise - even if we'd had practically no sleep, I always felt better if I went for a walk than if I slumped about the house (and slumping about the house is my natural inclination, believe me). The baby would drop off, and if I had planned well, I'd have a book and a drink with me. I'd buy a thermal cup, fill it with hot drink of your choosing, and just walk. If baby drops off, find somewhere to sit, read and drink. It's not sleep, but it's not a bad alternative.

I did the same Habbibu, the fresh air and natural daylight helped us both chill out a bit. I soon learned not to panic if she decided to have a feed while I was out, by the time she was 6 weeks the whole of our local town had seen me sitting on a bench BFing

BB, thanks for coming back and updating us.

The lovely tiktok has proffered her sage advice, so there is nothing I can add, except to say that my 18 week old DD was taking ages to settle after a night feed in the early weeks, sometimes up to two hours, and then waking an hour later for another feed. It did slowly get better, and she started to settle much quicker. she now settles herself to sleep quite happily.

This time seems to last forever and is horrendous, but make sure your DW gets as much rest as she can in the day so that the nights are a little bit more bearable.

Keep telling yourself that you are both doing a fab job ....and bin your HVs "advice"

There are phone numbers here for a number of breastfeeding counsellors in North Somerset/Bristol. My independent midwife said she'd recommend La Leche League over NCT, for what that's worth.

Giving formula really isn't the answer to establishing long term breastfeeding - but not surprised you got that advice from a health visitor.

BB
I've been there (well where your wife is!). My dd was basically nocturnal for the first one plus months. And she fed loads. What helped me was
co-sleeping - it made the difference between the 3-4 hrs sleep that made me feel like I was going mad, and the 4-5 hrs that I could function on.
kelly mom (tho I would say that tiktok is also fab!)
breast compressions (which I found about 8 weeks plus)
getting the latch right (dd just wasn't opening her mouth wide enough), although its a pain just keep reattaching until your comfortable.
sling to walk her down
a supportive dp - you are as important as anything else with this bf thing. It makes such a difference if you support her.

I also wish I had spoken to NCT or whoever, trouble was I knew I'd cry if I did. But it doesn't matter, they've had it so many times, bfing is an deep-seated emotional thing.

Those first 6 wks are difficult. Really. Take it a day at a time. It does get better. You will look back one day and it will be a blur.

BB, you really need to go for whatever works for you. With my LO my DH gave a late bottle of formula while I got some sleep and it worked brilliantly. We started this as soon as bf was properly established; all the other feeds were still bf.

I have to say, it sounds like you're doing really well and finding your own way amid what can sometimes be conflicting advice. There is very little support for people who choose to do mixed feeding - but you have to go with whatever suits you as a family the best. Good luck!

hi there, we are mixed feed here too

our DD is now 12 weeks old but the first weeks were... how can i say... DAMN hard for us! besides being all new parents we were also moving houses. then there was a week that my hormones were all over the place, one day i got really mad with my DH (cant even remember why) and i smashed a glass on the floor! that was a turning point for us. after that, my DH took our DD out in the mornings for 2 hours. thats when i deeply slept, i even started dreaming again. as a jung fan i am, i believe we can become neurotics if we dont unload (=dream) while sleeping. and in the beginning all that constant feeding just wont allow for us mothers to sleep well.

what worked for us:

1 formula bottle before bedtime from early days, so i could nap/shower/have a break

2 hours of morning sleeping between her 4th/6th weeks

also, from day one, we noticed was much easier to settle her outside of the house than inside. if she was too fussy, we would go for coffee and magically she would settle down. we mention that to our HV and she said thats quite common for babies to sleep and settle down outside of the house.

hope you and your wife are well.

Something more lighthearted:

We had a good day out today.
Had brunch at a favourite harbourside outdoor cafe then went shopping. Had to cope with some serious screaming at the cafe - thankfully it wasn't from ours, from a cute couple of twin babies who set each other off.

Bought a GroBag sleeping bag and some cool clothes for DS (learning the acronyms now!).

DS had his first public screaming fit today whilst we were in Boots and I did my first public nappy change in the Boots gents (they had baby changing facilities). Unfortunately that didn't help and he screamed the place down whilst we waited in the checkout queue. I will never look disapprovingly at a mum or dad while their child screams in a shop again.

He proceeded to scream so much on the way home that I had to stop so DW could sit in the back with her finger in his mouth until he fell to asleep!

Thanks as usual for all the great advice. As mentioned in previous replies it's hard to find your way with so much conflicting advice from MW, HV and experts, even replies on this thread!

Looking forward to things getting better but trying not wish his little life away.......

Glad you had a better day today. Another suggestion - do you have a spare room? For the first few weeks dh and I slept in different rooms on the basis that there was no point in us both being exhausted - I had the baby in with me in a moses basket, but after the night feed he (baby) would generally end up in bed with me - own separate area of a double bed, in the corner by the wall with pillows etc so couldn't slide down. He had his own blanket too. Then at least when he woke again it was easier to feed him and doze. (often I fed him lying down at night) My husband had a decent nights sleep and was able to help during the day so I could sleep too.

This phase seems like it will last forever at the time and there is no end in sight, but when you are through and out the other side it's like it was just a bad dream...

Yes, I remember pre-children getting very agitated about babies crying in public. These days, I'm just grateful if they're not mine!

I think you sound like brilliant parents

The first 6 weeks is, imo, the hardest, but also the most amazing time. You are so right not to wish it away

BB -hope you and your wife and little boy are doing well. Your situation sounds exactly the same as mine. In the end DS 1 was diagnosed as having reflux and as soon as he had infant gaviscon he was a new baby. i mistook the screaming after feeding as hunger so would stick him on the breast again. Turns out it wasnt hunger but the acid reflux shooting up his throat. Does your little one spit up much ? DS1 had 'silent' reflux where they aren't actually sick but his breath permanently smelt of acidic cottage cheese ! I am not one to condone the use of drugs on new babies but gaviscon is fairly innocuous and we only had to use it for a couple of months.
I think reflux is not that common so it may well not be this at all but wanted to mention it. Good luck.

Hope you are all doing OK British Beef. Update us if you get a chance.

Hi all. An update for you:

We have had to give up on BF unfortunately following HV advice as it just wasn't working out.

Things have now gone from bad to worse now though

He only sleeps for about 5 hours maximum out of 24 hours!! Night times are unbearable. The lack of sleep is really taking it's toll on us now let alone what it's doing to DS.

He's started being sick more than usual after feeds and is really restless and grouchy after every feed rather than it settling him ready for sleep which means at night it takes us about an hour after a feed to settle him and then he may sleep but only for about 30 minutes. He spends large portions of the night making squeaky gulping sounds which seem to wake him and he starts to cry. There is no way to settle him most of the time - he just fights (pushing away constantly from my chest and thrashing his head from side to side)

We spoke to the HV today after a night from hell and she thinks he may be lactose intolerant and so we are about to try Colief to see if there is any improvement.

It really is as though his feed is really upsetting him and I also wonder whether he has reflux.

Thanks for all your comments, I update again soon. I have never been so tired in my entire life!

BritishBeef - have you been to see your GP rather than the HV? It's actually very rare for babies to be lactose intolerant, there is a theory that some babies with colic have lactose intolerance hence the Colief, but as far as I know it's never actually been proved.

I'm sure other people with experience with reflux will be on soon with some suggestions for you but your ds does sound like my friend's ds who has reflux and is being treated with ranatadine (sp?)

You certainly gave the bf your best shot. I hope things get better for you soon.

Poor you ! Reflux is a nightmare! Sorry that doesn't help, really, does it? It's good to speak to your HV/Dr. and don't get fobbed off. At least your HV sounds pro-active. It will get better, and you are doing everything right. Hope you all get a good nights sleep soon. Take care.

It might help if you try to keep him upright for as long as possible after a feed and if you could prop the cot up at the head end it will help if it is reflux. Does he use a dummy? My dd2 had terrible reflux and the dummy was the best comfort she had.

hello, I'm sorry I don't have time to read the thread so I apologise if I'm repeating what other people have said... but reading the OP I was transported back to the early days with ds. I had a hellish time breastfeeding and felt like a complete failure. Luckily my ds slept reasonably well so I didn't have the additional (and huge) stress that you two are under.
Firstly. You are doing brilliantly. You might not realise that now, but you will look back and marvel and how you survived these early weeks.
Secondly. My solutions to the boob issue were:
my ds was very sucky (and his sucking hurt even tho, like you, I was told the latch was good). I gave him a dummy when he was 3 weeks old, and this helped him get off the boob. I also used nipple shields when the pain was unbearable.
I expressed some feeds, because expressing hurt a lot less than him feeding. I was told by midwives that giving him a bottle at 4 weeks was akin to dancing with the devil, and that he would have 'nipple confusion'. He did not. I got a break from some feeds, dh had a chance to help (he was so frustrated at how helpless he felt).

Thirdly. Dh was convinced that I was developing PND. I was weepy, lacking in confidence and my moods were all over the place. But now I know that, when you have little sleep and you are dealing with the MASSIVE responsiblity of parenting a tiny baby, and you are having feeding problems, it is pretty normal to feel that way. IF your wife is feeling like that ALL THE TIME, and doesn't have moments of feeling ok, then maybe it is a mental health thing. But if she can still enjoy some things, and has moments when stuff feels ok, then I'd say you are both going through a difficult patch but not to worry too much about being things being seriously wrong in terms of mental health.

Sorry this post is so long. Just hit a nerve with me and I really hope things are better with you soon.
You sound like a hugely supportive bloke. Go give your wife a big squeeze. the beginning was easily the worst for me - if your situation is like mine, things will get better pretty quickly

Spink, BB's dw has stopped bf now after a really good try.

BB - if you're looking for ideas about reflux/restless baby after feeds it might be worth starting a new thread.

hmm- just had a glance down and saw your updates.. so the things I said won't be too relevant.
and with the noisy breathing - we were told that apparently most newborns sound this scary, and it is not a sign of anything apart from them being new.
Fun huh??

We went through this exact thing first time as well. She wasn't feeding properly but we didn't know - it was sore, mastitus and everyone was upset.

I had had enough and insisted we had a good shot at it and moved to bottles. She felt a failure cos of the breast feeding hype - but she got over it soon enough when baby was happy.

Second time round we had learnt to demand more attention and she refused to get sent home until she was feeding properly.

It's a hard call but don't be afraid to make it for the sake of your family. Going to bottles is not a failure at all.

You gave it your best shot.

well said, eric