Worried about my wife.......

[BritishBeef]

Hi there,
My son is only 2 weeks old and we are already at our limits. I guess that sounds pathetic and both my wife and I feel failures to be feeling this way so early on.

My wife had a lot of problems breastfeeding in during the first week due to our son having a very strong suction and also managing to 'click' whilst sucking which caused my wife so much pain that she cried whilst feeding. We had 3 different midwives confirm that he was latched on perfectly and couldn't work out what was going wrong. Things got better a few days ago and breastfeeding was bearable. In the last few days however, our son has been wanting feeding every 2 hours and his feeding time has lengthened to an hour or more meaning that my wife is feeding as much as she's not including 3 times during the night and again her nipples are getting painful. The rest of the time he is really grisly and won't settle meaning we are getting no rest. We tried winding etc. but no use. We take him out in the afternoon for an hour (he will usually sleep then). Yesterday he was awake for the best part of 16 hours out of 24 and most of that was grisly or crying.

Today, he's doing his feeding cues straight after an hour long feed. The feed is not constant and by the end it's as if he's just comfort sucking but like I said, as soon as he's removed from the breast he makes out that he wants feeding again. My wife changes breasts half way through but still no joy.

His weight is fine and when we discuss these sorts of things with the MW's they just say there's no problem because his weight is fine.

My real concern however is the strain on my wife. She's very tearful lately and says she can't cope anymore with the constant feeding and no rest. I'm finding it nearly as stressful and as I have suffered the last 5 years with mental illness (anxiety, stress, OCD, health anxiety) I am worried about myself too. I don't want to become depressed like I have in the past and I really don't want my wife to go down that route either.

We are considering switching to formula but that makes us feel total failures and guilty especially as the MW's have rammed it down our necks that not to breastfeed is wrong.

I really don't know what to do and would appreciate some advice.

How was last night BB?

Don't knock the return to full time work at 2 weeks option until you've tried it. We had a very very sucky little first baby who was exactly like the one on here and it was a huge relief to be back into the sanity of the office and we needed the money anyway. Most people can't afford the tiny state maternity pay for long if they have mortgages etc.

Xenia you can always be relied upon to have a completely different take! I'm not knocking it if it works for some poeple, but I know it took me weeks before I could even leave DS for 20 minutes to walk to the shop, and months before I could bear to be parted from him for a day. If someone had suggested it at 2 weeks I'd have been in floods of tears - so just wanted to reassure BB's partner that if she don't feel up to work at the moment, that would be quite understandable!

Yes, just another perspective. We need to ensure women and men have all options and aren't criticised for going back to work or not going back to work. I was happy to at 2 weeks. It was a break but I also loved the time with the first baby too who is now 23 so that's quite a long time ago. She still sleeps very badly just like when she was 2 weeks old.

BritishBeef (TOP name BTW!) - I'd say your top priority is to see a breast feeding consellor.

Swaddling - buy a Miracle Blanket. They have special flaps to lock the arms down.

Fussy Newborns - I cannot recommend Harvey Karp's book, 'The Happiest Baby On the Block'. Basically he recommends re-creating the womb for fussy babies by following 5 steps that he calls the '5 Ss'..........

1. Swaddle
2. Ssssssssh - louder than the baby's cry (really impt). Your own voice or mechanical white noise.
3. Swing/Shoogle - hold the baby really close and jiggle really, really fast whilst keeping their heads really still. A 'Waltz' motion is reputed top calm as well.
4. Side/Stomach - carry out the above when your baby is on his side or stomach

Finally............ Suck. Breastfeed or use a dummy.

Keep us posted!!

BB, no more advice to add that has not been offered already. Just to say l have been thinking of you three this weekend, hope you have seen some improvement(s) however small.

My second is now 10 weeks, BF has been extremely difficult this time around, however l have taken it hour by hour, feed by feed and now day by day.

Can say that yesterday's trip out to Ikea (great for BFing mums by the way) was the best feed yet !, you will get there in the end and it is all worth it.

Don't have time to read everything. Just want to say that you don't have to feel like failures. If you want to switch to formula, do it. That's what I did. I breastfed my DD the first 5 days, because I was in the hospital and the midwives encouraged me to do it. But is was too stressfull, feeding every 3 hours (I was feeding for 1 1/2 and then getting 1 hours sleep).
Don't let MW's ram it down your neck, tell them it's your choice!
If it makes your life better and easier to formula feed do it. I did.
good luck

Hi all, thanks very much for all the su pport. Just to say I'm not ignoring you - it's just been rather manic here. I will have a proper read hopefully tomorrow and reply and update you all. There are 130+ replies after all!!

We dont want replies British Beef!! Just for you to get the help and advice you and your wife need. I hope everything is getting slightly better, or at least you have managed to get in contact with the LLL.

Just want to agree again, on the co-sleeping thing, it really has been a saviour to many woman on here. I'm sure if you look in sleeping there will be many a thread with tons of guidelines advice etc on how to do it safely.

Oh here you are Mossy!!

BB - [hugs] to you and your wife. I had an awful time BFing with DS1 but it does get better I promise.

My first dd was just like your ds. I must have watched hours of "I'm a celebrity" whilst up all night bf!

She used to feed every 1.5 - 2 hours for an hour each time (used to get less than an hour;s sleep in between!). Painful too - boy talk about toe-curling. Then at about 7 weeks it just started to get easier and by 12/13 weeks we were getting more sleep and shorter feeds. Won't say it was perfect, but certainly livable.

Was worth sticking with for me. Had some great bf experiences - eg feeding on Eurostar and watching the countryside rushing past, or watching the waves at the seaside. Also dd2 has been a complete breeze, because of my experience with dd1.

Think the advice to take it a day at a time, never make a decision in the middle of the night and wait till morning is good. Cd also try nipple shields for a few sucks to get the nipple out more, then tkake off the shield and feed as normal. Or expressing for a few seconds before bf to pull the nipple out a bit. It does work all of its own accord after just a few weeks!

Not yet read all the thread so apologies if I'm repeating.

I had problems with DD2 (no probs with DD1) and she too made a clicking noise when feeding - she wasn;t latched on properly (even though MW told me she was)

You need to see a BF counsellor to try and get some help but if your wife is not able to carry on then it is not the end of the world to use formula (I'm sure others might disagree with me) but what is important is that your wife is happy and the baby is thriving. Saying that I would give it a go with a BFC before you give up though.

Hope everything works out for you all.

Oh, also drink plenty of water to keep that supply going and help prevent dehydration on top of sleep deprivation!

I hope all the advice is helping - don't worry about the individual replies you are a busy Man!

Hope the helplines were useful and you get the latch sorted. You are not alone as you might have guessed! and we are here if you have any more questions.

I have a suggestion which has nothing to do with feeding lo, more sanity saving, nice things for you and DW ..... Go out tomorrow with lo in the Pram, go to supermarket and buy:

One large Bar of DW favourite Chocolate (I found green and blacks dark with mint filling particularly mood lifting), one big bunch of flowers, two cherry shaped soothers (DD kind of took to these occasionally - it is worth a try!), a high quality ready meal and a bottle of wine!

Get home feed DW chocolate and put flowers in Vase where she can see them when feeding lo. Sterilise Soothers for later use. Cook ready meal and help DW eat hers first even if she still has lo on her lap (then eat yours!) Once lo is sleeping for even a short period both have a (SMALL!!!) glass of wine and cuddle (if that is what DW wants!).

AND... if you don't already have SKY+ and your DW likes the odd soap I suggest getting it and programming all of her favourites in for her. Watching Ugly Betty at 4am on a Wednesday Morning whilst DD was sucking for England helped me survive!

Hope you are all more rested

BritishBeef would you like to borrow my copy of Harvey Carp Happy Baby?

I am not due for another 11 weeks and you should be well sorted by then! If you would like to my email is [email protected]

I agree with the cherry shaped soothers, neither of my DC's would take the newborn flat style ones, only the huge gobstobber types that filled their mouthes!!

Oh he sounds like my dd. Completely, utterly OBCESSED. I used to listen to radio one to keep my sanity.

He could be feeding so much due to a growth spurt? My dd did a 2 hr feed, 30 min break then another 2 hr feed over 24 hours. Knackered/depressed/tearful were not the only words. I think they have one at 2 weeks/6 weeks/3 months? Someone correct me on that! My dd seemed to be random.

My dd would feed constantly. Then when taken off cry/scream. Even after 2 hour feed. Wondered if she was getting enough but she like your son put on weight fine. She would not go down to sleep in the day at all. At night she would sleep from 20 min to 2 hours. In the end I just gave in and at 6/8 weeks just fed her all day long. Rock hard nipples now. Like old leather.

Anyway how I coped. Radio 1. Crying to dh that I could not cope anymore. Spoke to midwife who held out hope that every 3 nights the baby will sleep well. I did do what is a big no no to some people, controlled her feeding...1 hour feed, 2 hour break (and dd crying). It was hard. And I swear next time I will be giving the bottle at night. I know its a terrible crime but I NEED SLEEP!

Hang on in there. He's gaining weight. He's latching on okay (for the record I took 2 weeks to 'toughen up'). Oh and for some reason when dd fed on right boob (remember which one even now) it was agonising for the first minute...would go rigid, clench teeth, and stop breathing! Apparently that is normal .

Just try counting down the days to 6 weeks old, they become a bit easier to entertain. However a day can feel like a week and a night like a month...so 4 more weeks is a looooonnnnggg way to go.

And ftr I suffered depression too (also in my past history)...like the whole world turned grey. I know should have been like in those pictures, happy mum with happy baby...but it was grim. It got better, once I got some sleep. Did you know lack of sleep is used as a form of torture? Also have suffered OCD in the past...it did come back somewhat in the early days. Again, lack of sleep and being female, my hormones played havoc with my emotions. Did not realise how much till I cut down on my bf.

Really feel for you both. So hard to know what you are doing is right when your ds just cries/grizzles. My dd would not be comforted by cuddles unlike any other baby I knew it seemed. V frustrating and sad. But she's happy now at 18 mth.

Anyway, better go and find the contraceptives, you've just reminded me why its a good idea to use them

Our DS is 1yr now. When he was born for the first 3 months he fed upwards of 12 hours per day, nothing but the breast would ease his desperation. In between we could not put him down as he would wake and cry. We were knackered and for the first 3 mths I did not co sleep due to peer pressure and fear. Our mental health was suffering ( I have had anx in past) Then, when DS was a little bigger at 3 mnts I started nodding off with him laid next to me in bed. hubby slept in next room for extra safety. We dont smoke/drink/are still in sleep/use light bedding only up to waist hight and ever since, I have (apart from a few seconds whilst helping son latch on) have had good nights sleep. Once you have latch sorted, so that pain eases, if you feel it might help and would like to , co sleeping is AMAZING. IMHO of course! (you have to weigh up pros and cons yourself like with everying!) My husband an I also let each other know if we were felling "frazzled" - IE needed an hour just to do nothing or get away. The other would then take baby. Re charging your batteries is ESSENTIAL to keeping your stress in check. If you are struggling to cope and you have tried baths, essential oils, walks, hour breaks, healthy eating (esp oily fish) etc.... SEEK HELP, you should not be ashamed. You are both obviously POTTY about your babe and will NO DOUBT be amazing parents, however you decide to sleep, feed etc.

Just want to say again BB, we don't expect individual replies on here! Just take whatever info seems helpful, ask what you need to ask and ignore the rest of us! MN is very addictive and we don't want to suck you in when your dw needs you the most!

british beef - congrats to you and yr wife on yur newbie. i have nothing to ad to all the replies here and certianly you have more than enought advice / ideas to take in. i just wanted to say that i hope it all works out well for you 3, no matter what kind of feeding you choose to continue with. these early days are tough - bloody tought but also very special. i know it is hard but try to enjoy them and him. my wee girl is 5 mths now and those first couple of weeks where i seemed to have spend it in tears getting bf going are a distant memory. tell your wife that many women out here are really thinking of her (+ your son!)

Hi BB,
I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this as didn;t have time to read the whole thread but there are some lanolin free nipple creams if your wife is allergic to it. I'm sorry I can't swear how good they are bt thoughit might help. I just googled 'Lanolin free nipple' and found a few websites. All the best

Congratulations on your baby boy. I think it is a huge shock just how hard the first few weeks are with a new baby. And I remember just how upsetting it was to discover that breastfeeding was not something that came easily to us (our baby and I). After a lot of struggles,some agonizing expressing and many tearful run ins with most of the midwives, health visitors and breastfeeding counsellors in the Brerkshire area, I did move onto formula feeding. At the time I was so down about being a failure, that my dh was worried about me, but for us it was definately the right thing to stop. After weeks of tears and feeling as though I wasn't cut out to be a mother, I finally started to enjoy our baby, and realised that no matter how you end up feeding your baby it can be a beautiful and close experience. Now that my little girl is 18 months old, and I have a little four month old ( who is also formula feeding, but this time without all the guilt and tears) I look back and realise that the way you feed your baby is just one element of the love you have for them. I really hope that your wife succeeds in breastfeeding, but if she does end up formula feeding, please let her know she is not a failure, just a loving mum trying to do the best for her baby, and her family.

How are things now BB? Any better?

Hi there. Here's an update.

A couple of days after my original post we saw the Health Visitor for the first time. She was very understanding and not judgemental on the breastfeeding thing. She recommended trying a formula feed instead of BM before settling him downfor the night to give my wife a chance to catch up on a little more sleep (while I give him that feed). We have been doing this for the last few days although he is no more settled. My wife's nipples are now much less painful which is a good thing.

The biggest problem now is that he just doesn't want to sleep much throughout the day. He's wide awake for long periods (3-4 hours at a time - mainly grisly/crying).

He's now waking up twice between 11pm - 6am for a feed and is very difficult to settle (can take up to one and a half hours).

One thing that conerns me but is probably nothing, is that after a feed last thing at night and he's been changed and winded etc. we'll put him down in his cot after he's settled a little in our arms and he starts making loud grunting sounds and his breathing is always so noisy. Is that the norm for a nearly 3 week old?

Thanks again for all the valuable advice.