Formula Feeders racked with guilt - wanna talk?

[mamawhyte]

Just come over from another thread - rather than hijack that one.

I was always (and always will be) a pro-breastfeeder, but unfortunately have been completely disillusioned by my two experiences. For some reason, bf is so hard for me - some women seem to take to it naturally but no matter how hard I've tried I've not managed to overcome bf problems.

I had dd1 after a long and painful labour which ended with a 3rd degree tear. I was so exhausted I couldn't hold my new baby for long so when they asked me if I wanted to try to feed her I said no because I truly felt like i'd drop her. I went off to have my op and by the time I got back, she was asleep. I'd had pethadine during the labour and as a result she slept for 12 hours solid. The midwives said not to wake her, the ped said I should, and they had a big row about it in the corridor outside my ward. Anyway, I was there for four days and the whole time not one of the midwives managed to get her to latch on. By the time I left the hospital she'd had a bottle of formula but I was still determined to get the hang of bfeeding. I tried a nipple shield and she latched on, sucked for 45 mins and then woke 10mins later and drunk a whole bottle of formula! I asked the mw and she said "oh, she's probably getting something if she's latched on for that long". But my confidence was knocked and I had no support from relatives. I tried again and again but the same thing kept happening. I expressed milk 3 times a day for a month for her but the rest of the time she had bottles.

The guilt was something else. I'd think about bfeeding all day every day until it became too much to bear, then I'd break down, fess up to hubby who'd convince me I needed to get some help. I'd agree, but the the following morning I'd wake up feeling so much happier and lighter because I'd talked about with dh and got it all back into perspective, so I didn't bother with the doctor. A few weeks later, it would start building up again and within a couple of months I'd have another breakdown, blah de blah.

This cycle went on for 3 years until I became pregnant again. At last I could prove to myself that I could do it - I had a second chance. But suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It was really sad, but the only positive thing that came out of it was that it had broken the cycle.

Three months later I was pregnant again. This time, I was completely devoted to successfully breastfeeding from the moment I found out. I hired a doula to help me after the birth to make sure the baby latched on straight away and that I had some support. dh was also fantastic. I had an elective c-section, recommended due to the third degree tear I suffered the first time round. I had a birth plan which stated that as long as all was well, I wanted to try to feed her as soon as possible, and I did - on the operating theatre table. And she latched on perfectly!! I was thrilled. My doula spent hours with me at the hospital for the first few days, helping me to perfect the latch and the I transferred to a birth centre for two nights so that I could concentrate on me and my baby before I went home. I had my breastfeeding book and my baby and apart from bits of my nipples being peeled off when I took my breastpad away from my nipple and my baby puking up an incredible amount of dried blood after she had her first proper full feed on the third day, everything seemed to be going fine. I got home and became so obsessed with breasfeeding that I thought of nothing else. Being cooped up for 6 wks didn't help either! I had my doula, midwives, health visitors and a breast feeding counsellor all reassuring me that she was latched on fine, but they kept saying "it shouldn't hurt", so I knew it wasn't right because I had to be on ibruprofen and paracetomol 24/7. I started to feel increasingly isolated and depressed and had mastitis when dd2 was 3 weeks old. Antibiotics sorted that out, so I carried on. I got it again when she was 5 weeks old, but this time the antibiotic didn't have any effect, so doc gave me another - the only other one available to me apparently, because I'm allergic to penicillin. He said it wasn't ideal to take whilst bf ing, only if truly neccessary, which it was. So, I took it - doc told me to see how it went. DD2 cried inconsolably all day like she was really uncomfortable and it was awful. I had to take them for 7 days and there was no way I was putting her through that for a week, so I started to give her bottles of formula and tried to express as much as possible to keep the milk supply up, but it dwindled and by day 7 I wasn't getting enough for a full feed. I tried to bf her in the morning and evening, but had to top up with a bottle. She was so upset when she couldn't have mummy's milk from a lovely warm breast for the second part of her feed and it broke my heart. Enough was enough!

Reading back I can see that all my choices were always in my baby's best interests. It's so nice to get it off my chest once in a while when I can feel that cycle coming back.

I read about a lady who bf for 6 months and hated every second, but was determined. She had masitis 9 times and was surprised when her baby took to the bottle really well and wouldn't even let her mummy hold the bottle. Sometimes you can go too far I think, but I still think she must have been incredibly strong to go through all that.

Well, if anyone has actually managed to get to the end of this - well done!!! Maybe this thread is just for me - it'd probably bore the pants off anyone else. Thanks for reading.

Okay, here are some thoughts that help me. First, how can I know that bfeeding would have been best for my baby - not some statistical baby, my baby? The reality is that two of my babies were ffed and one was bfed - that is how it was meant to be.

Secondly, as I said before, the bfeeding relationship I think I missed out on with dd1 and ds existed only in my head - it was a story I made up. My real relationship with them is the only one that matters, the one where I held them in the night, cuddled them, sang as I fed them. The one wherre they think I am the best mum in the world!

Thirdly, the bfeeders who make ffeeders feel bad...I really feel sorry for them. Take those ladies in John Lewis described earlier. There they are, out with their friends, in a lovely shop that has provided a nice feeding room for them. And they are feeding their precious little babies, a wonderful job however you do it - and what are they doing? They are in someone else's business, trying to make another mum feel bad about her feeding choices. How sad is that? Why spoil the moment in that way, because in hurting others you always hurt yourself. Pointless.

Those thouhgts are great and wonderful to bear in mind. Also, I find when I'm feeling positive about my feeding situation, I write down all the reasons why so that when I get fed up I can read back and it helps me to put it all back into perspective.

You have to look at it all positively for as much time as possible because if you spend your time felling down about it you're in danger of missing out on your time with your children, enjoying them as much as you can. 10 yrs down the line you could look back and think "why the hell did I spend so much of my time thinking about something I couldn't do anything about?" It is hard at times, and it helps to talk it through when it's at it's worst, but then you have to really try to put it to the back of your mind for as long as you possibly can.

I'm surprised your MW said that about colustrum fairy. I too have made the choice not to beat myself up trying to BF again this time but fully intend to get her as much expressed milk as I can for the first 2-3 weeks topped up with formula. If "breast is best" then surely a little bit of breast is better than none at all if that's what you'd like to try? I really believe you have to go with your gut instinct on this one - only you know what's right for YOU and your baby.

The other thing that always helps me is to remind myself that the only other person it matters to is my baby and if she could talk she would say "chill out mummy, i'm happy, I love you".

When they're older they are not going to resent you for not bfing them, but they may resent you for spending a crazy amount of time being stressed out about something that can't be changed.

By the way I'm not saying your baby is going to resent you!! Just saying we could all benefit from chilling out and accepting it as best we can.

Oh sweetheart, it's not a matter of putting it to the back of your mind, it's a matter of making peace with it. Otherwise in ten yrs time you could find yourself in Boots weeping over the Johnsons bf pads! I think somewhere on this thread I said I'm sad about not bf dd1 and ds. Well, I have to thank you b/c in thinking about this thread I've realised I've moved on to finally being able to say that I am glad that I have ffed them both. Why? because that is how it was, and my time with them has been perfect. I think you are still in your story that everything would have been better if you'd bfed, but what could be better than what you have?

I have got other issues I'm dealing with and I'm finding a book called Loving What Is by Byron Katie so helpful. On the bfeeding issue it's enabled me to put it to bed. When you are ready, give it a try, if books are your thing.

Obviously making peace with it is my ultimate aim, but i'm not really sure how to do it! How did you manage?

Actually, scrap that. You've already said. I'll have to get a hold of that book.

Not bfing your child is nothing to feel guilty about. When I decided to give up bfing ds1 I felt relief. It was wonderful and liberating to stop doing something that I didn't enjoy and wasn't working anyway. I'm currently bfing ds2 and I don't feel any more bonded to him than his brother. I don't feel like he's going to be healthier or happier than his brother.

IMO guilt is a wasted emotion because we can't change what we've done or circumstance we were in.

mamawhyte, I have only skimmed the thread but you have written a few things I could have said myself. The overwhelming feeling I had was regret and sadness, no-one made me feel guilty tbh.

Also, in some ways, bf was getting in the way of rather than helping me bond with dd as I dreaded every feed and many of them were carried out with tears running down my face. In hindsight, that is no way to spend 6 weeks of your life with your new baby!

I like tiktok's bus analogy - the way I see it, I got on the wrong bus, went the motorway route rather than the pretty scenic one but ultimately ended up at the same destination .

Although I still feel really sad that I didn't bf, really sad, I do wish I hadn't spent so much time regretting it iykwim.

This thread had had me in tears, and brought back so many difficult emotions from my attempts to bf ds (now 15 months).

I assumed I would bf and didn't consider that it might be difficult. I'd seen SIL bf her huge brood and it looked so easy. Everyone else assumed I'd bf too.

I struggled with it for 12 weeks, and hated every single minute. I've never felt so miserable or such a failure in my life. I had terrible trouble getting him to latch on (wouldn't do it all for the first week). ay attempting to feed. We would literally spend all day and night attempting to feed. I had tonnes of help from mw, hv, and bf counsellors, but none of it made a difference. It just made me feel even more inadequate as a mother. I desperately wanted one of them to say it would be OK to give up, but they kept urging me to go on.

At 10 weeks I collapsed a few times, once whilst holding ds, and thought enough is enough. I was no use at all to him in that state. I decided then to ff, and was so relieved. I gradually went over to ff over a 2 weeks period. Then everyone (dh, relatives, hv) said I'd made the right decision, and all I could think was why didn't you say something earlier. I only started bonding with ds once I gave up bf, and felt I'd really let him down in those early weeks.

Now I am pg with number 2 I am already really fretting about the bf issue. I really don't want to bf at all, but feel everyone expects me to. Dh wants me to do it for 2 weeks, whilst he is on paternity leave. I'm only 11 weeks, so have ages to come to a decision, I suppose.

Sorry to rabbit on. This issue is really close to my heart.

oh muffin, I really, really could have written much of your post,(apart from the bit about being pg, congratulations) right down to the bit about your lo being 15 months - so is mine. I also remember feeling that I wanted someone to tell me it was OK - all the other people I spoke to had battled huge hurdles and got through them which made me feel even more inadequate.

One thing I promised myself is that next time around I will try to be a lot more relaxed about the whole feeding issue and I hope that coupled with the tons of information I now have will help. And as for your own decision, I would really try to put it out of my mind for the coming months. You don't have to decide really into the baby is here and if you want to go down the ff route, then that is your rightful decision.

Good luck with the pg

Mamawhyte, in answer to your question I was already on the way to getting over the bf issue when I came across the book I mentioned. The day after I had ds last yr dd2 was taken seriously ill, and then when we got home dd1 and later dd2 went down with CP (dd2 having been released from hospital). I spent the first few days' of ds' life thinking dd2 was going to die and then the first month of ds' life waiting for him to die of neonatal CP (even though I have immunity - by then I wasn't thinking too straight). Ds couldn't feed well as he had a tongue tie and I gave up bf without a second thought - in fact I was relieved. Dd1 had nearly died at birth (actually of the three she was in the most danger and is very lucky to be here so fit and well) and I remember talking to dh about my grief over not bf and him getting v. angry with me - now I see he was right, although he coudl have been more tactful. I have spent the past year suffering badly from anxiety over my dcs' health and it is absolutely paralysing - things like birthday parties become torture b/c I imagine all sorts of bugs being passed on. It has put the bf issue in perspective for me - it's not that big a deal - and I know that doesn't help you where you are right now, for which I am sorry. I've only just begun using the Byron Katie book to help with these issues b/c they have been too painful to confront but it has helped enormously with my relationship with dh and other things. Give it a go.

Have to agree with the op
I was induced, epidural, episiotomy, ripped anyway, ventouse 9lb 1oz 27 hrs. I b/f at birth but was too exhausted to fill him up as passed out with tiredness. Ds was given a bottle (on mw authority) By dh. I carried on b/f but couldn't in public. I hid myself away and dind't go out. It was excrutiatingly painful yet was told the latch was fine. I gave him a bottle and was told off my the visiting m/w so we started to lie to her and not tell her what were doing. PND started and I got to the point where I couldn't bear to have him near me. I called him 'it' (Take 'it' away from me...) went to mother and baby groups where they would extol the virtues of b/f at 3 in the morning (I though they were all mad) I got to the point of having awful thoughts about my ds dying and me ending up in prision, I had even worse thoughts but I'm not going to share them as you would all be appalled. I decided to ff ds (who never slept during the day, seemed to constantly feed and 'angry' fed -did any of you have that?) he slept, I could rest (omg did I think of myself?) and only then -6 weeks- did we begin to start to get to know each other.

I believe I tried my best and the other thread (I did post) really upset me as they didn't seem to appreciate that we are all intelligent ladies who have actually read the information they were referring to, understood and, on the whole agreed with them. One lady even asked why does pnd = ff? To which I replied -because I couldn't bear to have him near me. DO these ladies think I chose ff as a flippant reaction? They have no idea what it is like to not want your baby, yet know that this is an entirely abnormal thing to feel.

I am pregnant with ds2 (due Oct) and are now dreading the whole b/f issue again. I am now wondering if these millitant ladies have done more harm than good by expressing their views in quite the way they did. I am now pretirfied of b/f as I know I should do it, but will I have the same feelings? Will the pnd come back? What about my 3 year old?

Thank you for this thread op as I was feeling very upset by the other thread. The insinuation that we ffedders are poinsoning our babies as we are ill informed, uncaring and lazy mothers was a hard thing to read knowing my own history.

Oh sweetheart, that is such a sad post. You obviously had pnd big time. You don't have to bf. There are statistical babies for whom bfeeding is best, and there is your baby. What is best for you is what is best for your baby.

As for the militant bfeeders here and elsewhere, they have their flawed opinions. I think them sad, rather lonely people, because while they are fretting about how the rest of us feed our babies they aren't enjoying their own. They are living our lives, not theirs. And imagine how alienated they must be if they cannot see the pain their words inflict.

mamawhyte, I really related to your feelings in your original post. I too was unable to get BF going with my DD for various reasons ranging from lack of support in hospital while baby in scbu, emergency cs, diabetes, family anti-bf etc etc. I ended up spending 9 painful weeks trying to get DD to latch at every feed, failing, giving her any expressed bm I had been able to collect since the last feed, then formula then expressing. By the end of 9 weeks I would express with a hospital-grade double pump and get only 5ml despite being prescribed motilium to increase supply. The guilt I felt was unbearable. I thought about bf'ing constantly, cried all the time, couldn't even say the words without collapsing in tears. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than to be able to bf. I have done everything I can to prepare myself with the knowledge I didn't have first time around so that if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again I will be better prepared, and I too plan to have support from a post-natal doula and a lactation consultant (I also plan to express colostrum pre-natally to try and prevent the need for formula when baby has low blood sugar, as is now being recommended to diabetic mothers in some clinics), but your story just illustrates that even with all the knowledge and support things can still go wrong. DH asked me how I would feel if I wasn't able to bf a second baby, and I (half) jokingly replied that I'd just need to have another and another until I got it right. I know that sounds ridiculous but that's how obsessed I became with my inability to bf. 18 months down the line it doesn't feel quite as raw as it did back then, but it still feels like an aching hole inside me.

mamawhyte thanks for the courage to start this thread, will read and post my own story at some point, as I'm another who wanted to bf and couldn't. I really relate to stories about crying whenever the issue of bf comes up too.

There is so much more to parenting than feeding. HV can make you feel so guilty for bottle feeding but they don't go on at the mums who never read a bedtime story or sit there kids in front of tv all day. My friend breast fed for 8 months but her dd, now 3 only gets chocolate, crisps and fruit shoots. Parenting is about the long haul, not a few months of feeding at the beginning.

Startouched & Muppetgirl gosh... I'm not sure what to say. It's so hard to accept the suffering that some people have to endure. You are both incredible women and I have GREAT respect for you both.

I'm so glad that this post has helped others. I really wasn't sure if it would just be me on here! Reading all your posts over the last few days has really helped me enormously and I feel so much more confident in my ability as a mother.

I've also realised that I just have to enjoy every moment with them. Hopefully this has broken the cycle again, but if it hasn't I'll know where to come next time! Thank you so much. x

Forcessweetheart, I too have thought about having more children but I'm unsure whether that is just to prove to myself that I can bf successfully, or whether I actually do want another one! I know exactly how you feel, but reading these posts has made me realise that I'd have to really come to terms with my issues before I even thought about having another child. I'm so grateful that I actually have the choice to have another.

Hi mammawhyte!
I see all the threads were a poor woman is on her knees with trying to b/f and all the posts say is' keep going it'll be fine!!' and I just think I wish I could pluck up the courage to post back and say 'It's okay if you want to ff'. I just know what reaction I would get...

It's taken me years to realise I'm a good mum. My son had is first 'report' from nursery and I was so pleased I could have made it billboard sized and put it all over town!

It says he's polite, sociable, frindly has lots of friends etc etc. All you want for your 3 year old which lets me know I have been doing a few things right!

I wish certain parts of mnet were more supportive. I do post a lot on the depression and debt threads and they are sooo suportive and 'hand holding' to those in real desperate need of a litening ear. Thank you for this thread as it has altered my opinion slightly and I now know there are other women, like me, who didn't find b/f easy for various reasons and certainly didn't decide to ff through flippant and ignorant reasons.

As for me and my ds due in Oct I am going to b/f for the 1st week and then see how it goes from there. If I find I don't go out, can't cope with my 3 year (who is equally important in my eyes) then I will re assess as and when. I will be a mum to 2 (not just 1) a women who has had severe pnd, a wife and a person in her own right who deserves a quality of life also and I refuse to feel guilty anymore.

em - perfectly put

mama, I haven't suffered, not really - although it was hard seeing dd2 so ill. But dd1's friend died 18 mo ago of meningitis - he was 4, and it is so terrible for his family. My dcs are all here, well and healthy, and I am incredibly blessed.

I was put on lithium by the region's most respected perinatal psychologist, because I have type I bipolar and was at very high risk of a puerperal relapse or even psychosis. I knew this was the deal from about 28 weeks, and knew that not BF was going to be an issue, but thought I had it sorted. It was started the night I delivered.

7 months on, I feel the guilt and the grief every single day that I could not BF my daughter. I feel guilty every night - maybe once or twice a week - that DP does a night time feed. Yes, people have been insensitive but it hasn't really added to the hell I've been in anyway.

I haven't had a significant postnatal episode, really, but if I had known just how awful it would be I might have given it a go without lithium.

To the other ladies who do feel guilt and grief, I hope we can reassure each other that we DID make the best decision for our babies and ourselves that we could at the time... and maybe we can learn to move on. Mamawhyte, thank you for starting this thread.

Yesterday someone at a barbecue was cooing over my daughter and asked me "are you still feeding her yourself?" What sort of question is that to ask a perfect stranger? I wish I'd had the balls to say "actually no, I've engaged the services of a wet nurse" or even just "no" as a middle-ground, but instead I rambled through the whole sorry story of why my daughter is on formula. Reminded me of bags' post - wish I didn't feel the need to justify myself all the time. Why should I care what she thinks of me.

Thanks for that link to MOBI tiktok