Formula Feeders racked with guilt - wanna talk?

[mamawhyte]

Just come over from another thread - rather than hijack that one.

I was always (and always will be) a pro-breastfeeder, but unfortunately have been completely disillusioned by my two experiences. For some reason, bf is so hard for me - some women seem to take to it naturally but no matter how hard I've tried I've not managed to overcome bf problems.

I had dd1 after a long and painful labour which ended with a 3rd degree tear. I was so exhausted I couldn't hold my new baby for long so when they asked me if I wanted to try to feed her I said no because I truly felt like i'd drop her. I went off to have my op and by the time I got back, she was asleep. I'd had pethadine during the labour and as a result she slept for 12 hours solid. The midwives said not to wake her, the ped said I should, and they had a big row about it in the corridor outside my ward. Anyway, I was there for four days and the whole time not one of the midwives managed to get her to latch on. By the time I left the hospital she'd had a bottle of formula but I was still determined to get the hang of bfeeding. I tried a nipple shield and she latched on, sucked for 45 mins and then woke 10mins later and drunk a whole bottle of formula! I asked the mw and she said "oh, she's probably getting something if she's latched on for that long". But my confidence was knocked and I had no support from relatives. I tried again and again but the same thing kept happening. I expressed milk 3 times a day for a month for her but the rest of the time she had bottles.

The guilt was something else. I'd think about bfeeding all day every day until it became too much to bear, then I'd break down, fess up to hubby who'd convince me I needed to get some help. I'd agree, but the the following morning I'd wake up feeling so much happier and lighter because I'd talked about with dh and got it all back into perspective, so I didn't bother with the doctor. A few weeks later, it would start building up again and within a couple of months I'd have another breakdown, blah de blah.

This cycle went on for 3 years until I became pregnant again. At last I could prove to myself that I could do it - I had a second chance. But suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It was really sad, but the only positive thing that came out of it was that it had broken the cycle.

Three months later I was pregnant again. This time, I was completely devoted to successfully breastfeeding from the moment I found out. I hired a doula to help me after the birth to make sure the baby latched on straight away and that I had some support. dh was also fantastic. I had an elective c-section, recommended due to the third degree tear I suffered the first time round. I had a birth plan which stated that as long as all was well, I wanted to try to feed her as soon as possible, and I did - on the operating theatre table. And she latched on perfectly!! I was thrilled. My doula spent hours with me at the hospital for the first few days, helping me to perfect the latch and the I transferred to a birth centre for two nights so that I could concentrate on me and my baby before I went home. I had my breastfeeding book and my baby and apart from bits of my nipples being peeled off when I took my breastpad away from my nipple and my baby puking up an incredible amount of dried blood after she had her first proper full feed on the third day, everything seemed to be going fine. I got home and became so obsessed with breasfeeding that I thought of nothing else. Being cooped up for 6 wks didn't help either! I had my doula, midwives, health visitors and a breast feeding counsellor all reassuring me that she was latched on fine, but they kept saying "it shouldn't hurt", so I knew it wasn't right because I had to be on ibruprofen and paracetomol 24/7. I started to feel increasingly isolated and depressed and had mastitis when dd2 was 3 weeks old. Antibiotics sorted that out, so I carried on. I got it again when she was 5 weeks old, but this time the antibiotic didn't have any effect, so doc gave me another - the only other one available to me apparently, because I'm allergic to penicillin. He said it wasn't ideal to take whilst bf ing, only if truly neccessary, which it was. So, I took it - doc told me to see how it went. DD2 cried inconsolably all day like she was really uncomfortable and it was awful. I had to take them for 7 days and there was no way I was putting her through that for a week, so I started to give her bottles of formula and tried to express as much as possible to keep the milk supply up, but it dwindled and by day 7 I wasn't getting enough for a full feed. I tried to bf her in the morning and evening, but had to top up with a bottle. She was so upset when she couldn't have mummy's milk from a lovely warm breast for the second part of her feed and it broke my heart. Enough was enough!

Reading back I can see that all my choices were always in my baby's best interests. It's so nice to get it off my chest once in a while when I can feel that cycle coming back.

I read about a lady who bf for 6 months and hated every second, but was determined. She had masitis 9 times and was surprised when her baby took to the bottle really well and wouldn't even let her mummy hold the bottle. Sometimes you can go too far I think, but I still think she must have been incredibly strong to go through all that.

Well, if anyone has actually managed to get to the end of this - well done!!! Maybe this thread is just for me - it'd probably bore the pants off anyone else. Thanks for reading.

can I be pedantic?

'wracked' not racked.

Now where was I? Oh yeah shouldn't really be here cos I don't and never felt guilty. That thought never entered my mind, why would it? I made sure my children were, clean fed, watered and loved, what more can you do?

I hope so too Mamawhyte. I truly wish that some Mumsnetters could show more empathy and tact when it comes to this subject. Sadly though I'm not sure any amount of threads like this will make much difference. I think when people go through a tough experience themselves and make a success of it in the end, they can become rather blinkered to the feelings of those who don't succeed for whatever reason. Not that it's about success and failure in anyway, although it can feel that way sometimes.

Desiderata - I don't feel so guilty now actually as I know it was the right thing for us to give up (well it kind of tailed off actually, rather than me consciously giving up as such). And knowing there was a medical reason has helped me, though it makes me angry as well that it wasn't spotted. But I do remember how I felt at the time, so I understand why Mamawhyte has phrased it how she did.

It strikes me that the militant types on here have plenty of ammunition already so I'm not sure this will make much difference.

Yeah, I realised that after I typed it and i'm usually a stickler for spelling!

mamawhyte - actually both spellings are correct.

The trouble with the bus ticket analogy is it makes it all about you, the mother. I think the guilt isn't because we didn't get our way, or things didn't go the way we dreamed they would in our mummy-fantasies, but because of real anxiety caused by... well, you know, you can find the reasons to think formula might not be as excellent as breast milk on the board, if you look carefully.

My 5 pound baby had a ridiculously small mouth and never managed to latch. I couldn't really produce any breast milk either, and I really did hook up to the machine for over an hour every time, 6 times a day, and still the breast consultant I spoke to said I wouldn't see any better results unless I pumped twice at night. She sounded very impatient when I said I was too exhausted to, even though I'd just had a new baby and was in a foreign country hours by plane fom my mum. So that made me feel even guiltier.

It really was, as I said, coming home, having to give that up, and then beginning a relationship with my baby because I had SO MUCH TIME with her, 6 more hours a day! that made me start to feel happy. Of course I worry about the statistics. Of course I still feel sad that I didn't get to do what gives so many mumsnetters so much pleasure - aside from the medical advantages, they love it, there are so many threads about the 'perfect' breastfeeding moment, and so on. One thing I see all the time in endorsements of breastfeeding is that it gives a special bond between mother and child, and I don't know, because I haven't been on that side of the fence. But I don't see how I could be more intensely in love with my daughter, and she seems to really dig me. The real both-of-us-laughing-hysterically fun didn't seem to start until I let go of my attempts to breastfeed her, so it wasn't accessible through breastfeeding, but despite it. For that reason, I no longer wish I'd tried for longer.

Oh, and I LOVE reading posts by women who don't feel guilty about it. Well, and posts by women who do. But if absolutely everyone felt absolutely terrible, it'd sort of mean we might be right to.

I'd always been sure that I would breastfeed. Then I had a breast reduction in late 2004 and I asked the consultant if I would be able to breastfeed in future - I knew it was possible. He told me to assume I wouldn't be able to, and I guess that sort of stuck with me. Then when I got pregnant with B, I thought I might look into it again. I did a lot of research on the internet - I even joined a forum called "Breast Feeding After Reduction" - but everything I learned just freaked me out. Even the women who had managed to bf for some time spoke of their experience in terms of some momentous struggle - taking drugs and herbal supplements, pumping furiously, feeding using some kind of at-breast tube system, and it sounded so exhausting. I just thought: I don't want to go through that. At least not with my first baby. I wanted to enjoy being a parent, I didn't want to be worrying all the time about how much milk I'm producing and whether my baby is healthy and thriving. So I decided to start her on formula.

I wouldn't say I'm wracked with guilt but I do feel guilty. I have dreams where I'm breastfeeding her. The sadly ironic thing is, when I was feeding B during her second week at home, I felt some dampness on my front. I looked down, and the whole front of my nightie was soaked. At first I thought the bottle had leaked or something, but then I realised the milk was coming from me. And I still have a little milk now, three months later. It's like my body is silently chiding me for making the wrong decision and then sticking with it.

Yeah, you're right, Twinkle.

I guess the thread has galvanized me to perhaps be a little more militant back, on occasion.

I've had some deeply hurtful comments on here and in rl over ffeeding. I don't think a thread like this will change things. But it does empower those of us who have been through it - when I first posted on this 5 yrs ago I felt like I was the only one. And now I meet those who cannot see our pain with compassion, because to be unaware of another's suffering, to be unaware of the beauty of the fathomless love between us and our children, to be so blinkered that how a baby is fed is all that you see - that must be a shallow place to be.

You're right Macneil, but I guess it's just a way of trying to express that you're still a breastfeeder at heart even though you're not, IYSWIM.

All that stuff about the special bond is crap IMO. I have to say I didn't feel much but a special hatred when I was breastfeeding, especially when the little mite struggled so much that it took two of us to swaddle him up tightly and latch him on.

That kind of breastfeeding promotion makes the completely wrong assumption that formula feeders just keep their baby in a car seat/baby bouncer all day and prop up the bottle. What a load of cr*p! I have had one special breastfeeding moment which I will cherish forever, but many many other wonderful moments, some when bottle feeding, some when I've just cuddled him to sleep. The so called "closeness" of breastfeeding is about being snuggled up with your baby - that's not exclusive to breastfeeding.

I had a horrible birth experience with my dd and a hell of a job trying to get some consistent advice from all the midwives in the hospital. I had flat nipples, she couldn't latch on, then when she did she wouldn't stay there, etc etc. I topped her up with ff but still tried to express and bf at home. I don't think my milk got properly establised cos I was only able to get about two ounces after an hour or so. I was breaking down in tears with the frustration, feeling like a failure, and beginning to resent my baby, with her obviously beginning to resent me as every feed turned into a battle with both of us in tears. My hv and dh told me to stop for my own sanity, and when I had made the decision to, I must say I just felt overwhelming relief that the pressure was gone.

Now of course I feel like a failure and like I'm being judged. If you formula feed you are, in general, made to feel like you have given your child the second best. I know this is to promote bf, but it is really hard for those of us who have already had to make the decision. We have to live with the guilt and the feeling that maybe we did something wrong or could have done it differently.

I agree that we shouldn't feel guilty. It's just another one of the thousands of choices we will have to make about our childrens' welfare. I just wanted to say that there's a lot of us out here who sympathise and whilst in no way do we condemn bf obviously, it is bloody hard and there is an inordinate amount of pressure to do it. Having a baby is difficult enough.

mamawhyte 'grief at your inability have a successful experience' . Really important point. Guilt is the wrong word and the wrong way of looking at it.

There are some wonderful comments on this thread like startouchedtrinity's quote about a HV telling her to 'grieve over not bfeeding... but to grieve, for the relationship you imagined, for the experiences, but in truth they only ever existed in your head and mine.

Nobody that has ever faught and struggled to BF (myself included), with half a brain, should go around judging people who don't. If they haven't learnt by that point that A) BF can be really bloody difficult and B) Is a lifestyle choice which every women has the right to make - then they have missed a valuable lesson in life.

I think this thread will help other mums and I hope that plenty of mums that have not encountered the problems which the mum on this thread have will read it too. Parents can cause such hurt by thrusting opinions and judgments at others when they have no comprehension of that other persons situation, needs or experiences. Why can't some people accept that we do things differently as parents through a combination of circumstances, belief and choices and there is no right or wrong way of doing things? What does it achieve anyway?

Meant to say obviously we don't condemn bf supporters......

And also that when I stopped bf, I really bonded with dd. You can have cuddly moments ffing, and so can daddy, nanny, etc.

The breastfeeding/formula feeding bus ticket thread is www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1364&threadid=274983#5504964 in that link and for the fourth time this week here's a mention of MOBI - Mothers Overcoming Breastfeeding Issues here which is based in the US but which offers help and non-judgemental support for all.

Can I just say that I am a formula feeder and not for one moment have I ever felt guilt. I probably didn't try hard enough but that doesn't make me a crap mother. I just didn't want to breast feed. I have read loads of stuff on here about the fact that I 'should' want to do the best by my baby and all that, but it didn't change my mind.

Please don't feel guilty. Your child will not die if you don't breastfeed, I was adopted as a baby, so obviously my Mother couldn't breastfeed. I am fine.

This really is a choice thing.

thank you mama for sticking to your words on the other thread and starting this one. I've said my story on it already, so I won't repeat, but just wanted to add my support for this thread, us FFers get such a hard time from everyone RL too not just MN, and rarely do they stop to ask our side of the story, just assume we are lazy mares. Had experience of being in John Lewis parent room giving ds his bottle and having group of 4 new mums on their obviously first post natal meetup discussing how amazing BF was and talking about how they would never "poison" their beloveds about two feet away from me with pointed looks and sneers. Begone mad Muffia and never darken our muslins again!

UCM - I think I had PND and I honestly did think for some time that my DS WOULD die if I didn't breastfeed him. In hindsight I think I was pretty messed up actually.

Thats horrible TWM, I am sorry that you went through that.

I do honestly think Aptamil is lovely, though. And the new design has Cnut on the front!

Oh dear, what terribly glib timing.

Oh fgs..mafia and what not being mentioned...honest to god, in who's mind do they exist?
Now breastfeeding wise, despite it not always been easy, I have succeeded, not as long as wanted, but really can't complain...afterall, you can't make a child breastfeed. despite what some people seem to think (it's the mothers that do it, the Kids don't want to kinda think...really don't work that way)
Anywyas, I can see the whole guilty part though, for me it was the Birhtpart with ds3...after 2 natural Births it finally looked as if I was gonna get that Homebirth I had longed for with the previous child and was talked out of, stupididly....and then after a succesful labour, going to 10cm dilated it all ended in Hospital transfer and a nightmare ending with Emergency C-section...i had so many bad feelings in me...I had not succeeded, I had let us down, and then it changed, to the thoughts of WTF couldn't you just come out like our brothers, why cause us this pain.....
I had bought the Homebirth icket and was viviously cheated out of it....I hated myself and my child for this...not fair on anyone...and am pretty sure that it can be the same for breastfeeding when it doesn't happen!

MacNeil ?Cnut? How come??

who is Cnut, lol

I'm due my baby in November and do not intend to breastfeed! I don't feel guilty or selfish, I just think that it's a personal decision and it's one which I have taken a great deal of time and consideration over. I'm painfully shy about wearing revealing clothes, and although I know that I'm not exactly going to be flashing myself at complete strangers, I think that breastfeeding will cause me a great deal of anxiety, and I don't want my baby to pick up on those feelings. I talked it over with my midwife, and I said that for the first few days, I would like to perhaps try breastfeeding for the colostrum (if that's how you spell it) and she told me that if I only intended to do it for a few days then it probably wasn't worth it as it's really hard work and she said the chances are that I'd switch to bottle sooner than I'd planned!

On another thread: 'There are some people who very strongly support BF. They are right to, it is better.'

The thing is I'm not sure that breast feeding was better for my ds.

Having failed to make a success bfing I can really empathise with the tales of disappointment here, though I'm sure I should feel guiltier than I do. But when I stopped the bf attempts at 6weeks, and the endless pumping at 8weeks, ds seemed a whole lot happier and way, way calmer. So, the technical compound in breast milk might have been closer matched to what he needed chemically but I'm in no doubt that formula given by a stress-free baby-focussed (as opposed to feed-focussed) mother was far more preferable. My HV said that 'what's good for the baby isn't always good for the mother, but what's good for the mother is always good for the baby'. I agree completely.

And then I had a couple of glasses of wine and asked DH to do the middle of the night shift...

I just posted on the other thread that it's interesting that the ff who don't feel guilty tend to be the ones who describe it as a decision or choice. Those of us who do feel guilty feel as if there was no choice.