Just come over from another thread - rather than hijack that one.
I was always (and always will be) a pro-breastfeeder, but unfortunately have been completely disillusioned by my two experiences. For some reason, bf is so hard for me - some women seem to take to it naturally but no matter how hard I've tried I've not managed to overcome bf problems.
I had dd1 after a long and painful labour which ended with a 3rd degree tear. I was so exhausted I couldn't hold my new baby for long so when they asked me if I wanted to try to feed her I said no because I truly felt like i'd drop her. I went off to have my op and by the time I got back, she was asleep. I'd had pethadine during the labour and as a result she slept for 12 hours solid. The midwives said not to wake her, the ped said I should, and they had a big row about it in the corridor outside my ward. Anyway, I was there for four days and the whole time not one of the midwives managed to get her to latch on. By the time I left the hospital she'd had a bottle of formula but I was still determined to get the hang of bfeeding. I tried a nipple shield and she latched on, sucked for 45 mins and then woke 10mins later and drunk a whole bottle of formula! I asked the mw and she said "oh, she's probably getting something if she's latched on for that long". But my confidence was knocked and I had no support from relatives. I tried again and again but the same thing kept happening. I expressed milk 3 times a day for a month for her but the rest of the time she had bottles.
The guilt was something else. I'd think about bfeeding all day every day until it became too much to bear, then I'd break down, fess up to hubby who'd convince me I needed to get some help. I'd agree, but the the following morning I'd wake up feeling so much happier and lighter because I'd talked about with dh and got it all back into perspective, so I didn't bother with the doctor. A few weeks later, it would start building up again and within a couple of months I'd have another breakdown, blah de blah.
This cycle went on for 3 years until I became pregnant again. At last I could prove to myself that I could do it - I had a second chance. But suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It was really sad, but the only positive thing that came out of it was that it had broken the cycle.
Three months later I was pregnant again. This time, I was completely devoted to successfully breastfeeding from the moment I found out. I hired a doula to help me after the birth to make sure the baby latched on straight away and that I had some support. dh was also fantastic. I had an elective c-section, recommended due to the third degree tear I suffered the first time round. I had a birth plan which stated that as long as all was well, I wanted to try to feed her as soon as possible, and I did - on the operating theatre table. And she latched on perfectly!! I was thrilled. My doula spent hours with me at the hospital for the first few days, helping me to perfect the latch and the I transferred to a birth centre for two nights so that I could concentrate on me and my baby before I went home. I had my breastfeeding book and my baby and apart from bits of my nipples being peeled off when I took my breastpad away from my nipple and my baby puking up an incredible amount of dried blood after she had her first proper full feed on the third day, everything seemed to be going fine. I got home and became so obsessed with breasfeeding that I thought of nothing else. Being cooped up for 6 wks didn't help either! I had my doula, midwives, health visitors and a breast feeding counsellor all reassuring me that she was latched on fine, but they kept saying "it shouldn't hurt", so I knew it wasn't right because I had to be on ibruprofen and paracetomol 24/7. I started to feel increasingly isolated and depressed and had mastitis when dd2 was 3 weeks old. Antibiotics sorted that out, so I carried on. I got it again when she was 5 weeks old, but this time the antibiotic didn't have any effect, so doc gave me another - the only other one available to me apparently, because I'm allergic to penicillin. He said it wasn't ideal to take whilst bf ing, only if truly neccessary, which it was. So, I took it - doc told me to see how it went. DD2 cried inconsolably all day like she was really uncomfortable and it was awful. I had to take them for 7 days and there was no way I was putting her through that for a week, so I started to give her bottles of formula and tried to express as much as possible to keep the milk supply up, but it dwindled and by day 7 I wasn't getting enough for a full feed. I tried to bf her in the morning and evening, but had to top up with a bottle. She was so upset when she couldn't have mummy's milk from a lovely warm breast for the second part of her feed and it broke my heart. Enough was enough!
Reading back I can see that all my choices were always in my baby's best interests. It's so nice to get it off my chest once in a while when I can feel that cycle coming back.
I read about a lady who bf for 6 months and hated every second, but was determined. She had masitis 9 times and was surprised when her baby took to the bottle really well and wouldn't even let her mummy hold the bottle. Sometimes you can go too far I think, but I still think she must have been incredibly strong to go through all that.
Well, if anyone has actually managed to get to the end of this - well done!!! Maybe this thread is just for me - it'd probably bore the pants off anyone else. Thanks for reading.