Anyone else regret breastfeeding?

[RidingMyBike]

I think DD is self-weaning as she hasn't wanted a feed for a few days. She is 28 months. Which means I've been reflecting on our 'breastfeeding journey' (stupid phrase) and wondering whether it was worth it?

I have never enjoyed breastfeeding. I loathed every single second of it for most of the first year. I only really kept on going after ten months because she only wanted to feed once or twice a day and doing something you hate for ten minutes a day is a lot easier than constantly.

None of the supposed benefits I was told about seem to have been true. It wasn't free (it cost more than formula in terms of extra food for me, plus the bras, tops, pump etc), it didn't help us bond - in fact it gave me PND and totally mucked up bonding for months. It wasn't fun and snuggly. It wasn't 'convenient'. It turned out most of the research into its benefits could be ruled out because middle class mums are more likely to BF and the advantages come from that background not the BF. The benefits of fewer infections etc are at population level, not individual, although she has no allergies and has never had a stomach upset (whilst EBF cousin has multiple allergies and several upset stomachs!)

DD was combi-fed from five days after crap advice from midwives meant she developed hypernatraemic dehydration when my milk didn't come in and their obsession with EBF meant I was advised not to supplement with formula initially. I loved feeding her formula - I liked measuring the little scoops, getting it all organised. Looking into her eyes whilst giving her a bottle did help us bond.

Why is there so much pressure to BF? With what I know now I wish I'd just formula fed from the start - although doubtless I'd be beating myself up on missing out on the bonding experience I'd been told about.

Anyone else feel like this? I feel like I've been mis-sold a product that has really not lived up to the hype beforehand!

I was lucky in the sense I didn't have to rush to work I could just focus on baby and what I considered best for my baby and me. Shared parenting like that just seems to make things so much harder. I would have felt so stressed doing it when for me personally it was easier to just do all the feeding myself. Each to their own my friends did it differently and it all worked for them. It really doesn't matter what anyone else does it really doesn't

RidingMyBike hats off to you for sticking at it so long. I loathed every minute of breastfeeding too but also felt a huge amount of pressure to do it. Made me feel really nauseous, no idea why. I only managed 4 months with both of mine and in reality the last month was very much mixed feeding. It was such a massive relief each time when I stopped.

There are health benefits, so you've probably saved your DC from eczema or asthma or digestive issues.

I don't agree. I fed for 12 and 18 months. I was a lone parent with dd2 and a toddler. It was at times very arduous. I will never regret it though. And nestle and their ilk will never get my money

This thread has been really interesting reading for me. I posted a thread a few weeks back about how I'd mentioned to my DH that I wanted to try to EBF out new baby due in a few months and he didn't really want me to - not because he's a controlling arse but because he saw me struggle to BF our first, saw me wrestle with the guilt and end up expressing for six months. I had PND and I'm sure the failure to BF was a contributing factor. DH said if I want to try to BF again fine, he'll help me however he can but he'd really like me to consider letting him do just a bottle or two a day (of breast or formula milk) so that the entire feeding workload - especially at night while he's on leave - isn't on me.

I had mixed feelings about this but reading all the posts from mums who have struggled to stop, or had bottle refusers, or have ended up resenting feeding after years of it has made me see things a little differently than I did. So thanks for sharing!

@AssassinatedBeauty I gave birth in a Baby Friendly Initiative Hospital (level 3 accredited) and the information about bf was incredibly unbalanced. As I said, I came away from the antenatal bf workshop under the impression that the only problems encountered would be cluster feeding (solution is box set!) and too much milk (solution - donate to our NICU!). The hospital didn't supply formula (anyone expecting to ff had to bring their own) and refused to supply any information about anything other than EBF.

DD ended up seriously ill in SCBU because my milk hadn't come in, being tube fed formula (hospital would supply it to SCBU but it was kept locked away like it was a drug). Staff refused to tell me how to sterilise bottle properly - I hadn't planned to ff and had no idea. This kind of thing makes babies ill...

I ended up with four copies of the NHS bf booklet but had to beg my HV for a copy of the bottle feeding equivalent to check I was doing things 'right'. There seemed to be no info whatsoever about mix feeding.

Did any of this actually increase BFing rates? Possible during the first week, but afterwards? How did it make people feeding formula feel, which includes people taking drugs that meant they couldn't bf anyway?

I completely agree OP. I breastfed because I was pressured into it by other women, relatives, midwifes, magazines, television etc it’s a bit bit like shaving your legs, people make you feel strange if you don’t but you never really know why.

It was not a great experience, I then pumped which made it easier, and eventually formula fed which made it a million times easier.

My friends that exclusively breast fed have the most ill children, they constantly have colds, coughs, tonsillitis, chest infections, allergies etc. Many of them say they feel they were sold a bit of a lie as it didn’t make their children healthier.

I think if you live in third world countries breastfeeding is important, in developed countries formula gives women freedom. It also means men can equally support raising a newborn which I feel is important.

I exclusively breastfed for 6 months. Am I glad I did it? Yes. Would I do it again if I know what I do now?
No. I felt so much pressure and due to circumstances I didn’t enjoy it. I would have enjoyed things a lot more if I hadn’t have done it.

OP - why did you continue if it was such a miserable experience? I think this is so sad. It should be about doing what’s best for you and your baby (not the baby in the text book!). I felt so sad reading this and thinking you’ve done this for so long.

I bf both of mine because it was convenient and it worked well and, crucially, I enjoy feeding them that way. This whole breast is best thing is totally ridiculous. What’s best for you and your family is best!

@RidingMyBike I didn't think the HV or midwives are allowed to give you any information on FF. When my DM was doing the initial midwife visits after baby was born many years ago, she wasn't allowed to give ff information. It didn't actually stop her from doing so but she would have been reprimanded if her supervisors had been told what she was saying. She decided she had to after watching a new mother feed her baby a bottle and then immediately dump the bottle in the steriliser without washing it.

The nurse in hospital wouldn’t actually discharge people until they could ‘prove’ they could breastfeed and had members of the pro breastfeeding staff come in and observe. My boobs were a free for all circus act. I think my breast feeding experience was ruined by other people before it even started to be honest.

I left hospital formula feeding then ended up breastfeeding once I was at home and relaxed I couldn't get baby to latch on for a few days but I kept trying and wouldn't give up.
People have really different experiences with nurses by the looks of things.

The nurse after asking Reyes to get the baby to latch. That was strange someone grabbing my breast she couldn't either at the time but we did it. She was lovely I think the first bit of milk is so important which is why they try

JustWandering I think people feel pressured to do the best for their baby and that’s why they continue do it for so long. I think in among he sleep deprivation and everything else it can all just drive you crazy and it can be hard to see clearly. Now I realise a happy Mummy should play a big part and it’s not all about adhering to the book.

Such a shame about your NHS experience riding. Mine was great, in that in DDs first few days (we were in for a week after difficult section & sepsis), when I was exhausted we asked for some formula and they gave us some with no issues. Even showed DH how to warm it and how to hold her for a feed. As well as this, they gave me fantastic BF support - helping me with decent positioning and checking latch etc.

When I stopped BF at 6 weeks the HV was completely supportive, didn’t try to change my mind, was just very understanding.

My pressure to BF was from myself, and I’m so glad I stopped so early.

I'm not convinced shared parental leave will make much difference. I was on an international forum with women expecting babies in the same month and nobody else had a year's maternity leave like I did. All the Americans went back to work after three months and seemed to be doing vast amounts of pumping. They had EBF babies. I have no idea how they got any work done on so little sleep but they clearly managed it as it's the expectation over there

I mixed fed both of mine - mainly BF, but a bottle in the evening. Meant they slept rather than cluster feed. Blessed relief. No regrets, have 2 fit, healthy, sporty, active children. (with a happy me as their mum)

never felt like it was anything other than just a part of life with kids - BF/bottle/formula - who cares really - like nappies - reusable, disposable... go with what suits you. And it can be changed, it is not set in stone, if it does not suit you, change it.

Nestle would be rubbing their hands with glee at this thread.

I have to say I thought the same.
If you hated breastfeeding why do it for so long?
I fail to see how breastfeeding could possibly cost more than formula feeding. Come on op, that just can’t possibly be true.
There’s something a bit off about this post, you loved feeding formula because of the little cups and scoops? You can gaze into your babies eyes however they are fed.
Yes there are issue with women feeling pressure and support but this is just a bit weird. Sorry.

@PasstheStarmix, so what did they do for those who were formula feeding from birth? Did they not let them leave until they'd been forced to do one breastfeed?

This idea that midwives and hospitals mustn't tell you anything about formula is a serious misinterpretation of the guidance I think. Even breastfeeding friendly hospitals aren't prevented from giving out information about formula. If they aren't giving parents information about safe feeding methods, then they are failing at their basic duties. Refusing to tell you how to sterilize bottles is dangerous, and that midwife or nurse should be reprimanded and given training.

Assasinated I have friends who have found BF their second children exclusively was a lot harder as it was a real trigger for their older children to feel upset and resentful about not being able to get time with their mum. One could never put her son to bed and as small children do he used to get upset and say he didn’t like mummy anymore he only likes daddy etc etc. Par for the course probably and they do forget but if possible I’d like to get a balance between me and DH caring for the baby and DS1 in the early months! It’s true a lot of babies go 3-4 hours between feeds quite quickly but certainly not all, My DS1 fed every two hours for the first 4 months so I couldn’t have left him with anyone for a while. I would like the option to spend some alone time with DS1 so he still gets to see me apart from his brother occasionally. I think that would be helpful to all of us. Maybe he won’t be bothered but he’ll be starting Reception in September and I’d like to spend a bit of time treating him beforehand and maybe even have me and DH take him alone on his first day so he feels he has our focus on an important day for him. So it would be better if DS2 could also take expressed milk from a bottle from early on. I simply want there to be an option. I’m not being negative about BF, I plan to do it, but also a major reason a lot of people have given for disliking it and regretting it is being solely responsible for feeding the baby for a long period of time. So if people can feel that mix feeding is more of an option (as a lot of the stuff you get about BF is quite strong on exclusive feeding for at least 6 months and also advocates not even trying a bottle for 6 weeks and talks about nipple confusion a lot) I think more people would persevere perhaps. It can be pushed as an all or nothing situation. I am not bothered about opinions of my feeding etc and wasn’t with DS1 but there are certainly plenty of posts on here where women feel devastated they haven’t continued breastfeeding and genuinely feel they’ve let down their child and ruined the experience they thought they’d have, so some women clearly feel strong pressure to do it.

I think a lot of the BF ‘pressure’ is unavoidable though, Breast milk is the optimal food source, that’s a fact, and no one with a new baby wants to hear they could be doing anything that isn’t the ‘best’ for their child, it obviously stirs up lots of emotion and fear and guilt. Having had a child I may feel more laid back having done many sub-optimal things in his upbringing! Giving him formula from 3 months was only one of them.

AssassinatedBeauty i have no idea how they would be if you go in and say you’re formula feeding from the outset. In my experience I wanted to ‘try’ breastfeeding and didn’t expect for it to be a test before I could be discharged! The nurse in question was awful and the whole aftercare team were poor (no pain relief or guidance.) I was just left to get on with it so wanted to go home where I could rest properly onstead of having sales people trying to sell photos etc constantly coming in. Didn’t expect to have to pass a breastfeeding test on my departure. When I said it hurts and I was told it can’t hurt as it wasn’t suppose too (like I as making it up.) I could go on and on...it was terrible.

Currently sat here breastfeeding and I just feel so sad reading this.
I’m on baby no3 and the only reason I still breastfed was that I have had amazing support along the way. I don’t love it, don’t hate it but I do like the closeness.
I really think it all boils down to this, women need more support not pressure whichever way they choose to feed.
My ‘feeding journey’ has been utter shit but I’m actually grateful for that now as I’ve learnt that I don’t care what pressure I receive, we’re only on month3 but I’ll continue for as little or as long as I want. I’ve had to deal with a tube fed premmy, tongue tie, ICU from sepsis, from mastitis. And from the other side my father in law asked me to leave as they don’t have ‘that’ in their house (breastfeeding), and for the record I’m very subtle, no stripping going on here!
If any of you are still breastfeeding and hating it, please don’t feel chained to it. Change your experience whilst you can. You can implement a routine, you don’t have to demand feed, you can introduce a dummy or a bottle, nobody is going to strike you down and if they do judge tell them to go to hell!!

If I’m brave enough to have a second I now know you can say no to a lot of things and I would do things a lot differently and wouldn’t put up with any of it. It’s hard when you’re a FTM.

I find that ‘pressure to breastfeed’ is such a Mumsnet thing. None of my wide circle of friends has ever been pressured to breastfeed by any HCP. Generally all the ones I’ve been in contact with couldn’t give a toss how baby is fed. I’m halfway through my 2nd pregnancy and no one has mentioned infant feeding, not even a single leaflet and that’s in a baby friendly hospital. I expected to see a few scattered round the waiting room at least...nothing. I think it must really depend on the local trust.

I think you should take some responsibility for your own choices. I assume you’re an adult. Nobody forced you to bf.
I also agree with both points that Bertrand made.