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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Breastfeeding - I don't get it

294 replies

crystalpony · 08/02/2007 00:29

I can't get my head around the emotive issue of breastfeeding. I didn't breastfeed - quite frankly the thought of doing it repulsed me and the majority of my friends also feel and felt the same way. This doesn't reflect my opinion of others doing it - each to their own - but I just can't reconcile the desperate feeling the some MNers have about not being able to do it adequately....

I bottle fed my baby - and before there are any comparisons to me bottle feeding her by the more dramative types - ie that I might have well just have fed her cyanide or mouldy chicken nuggets etc. - and I bonded to her no probs, never felt I had missed out.

Can someone explain to me in simple terms why it's so important to them and so frustrating when it doesn't go as planned? Is there some kind of though on here that if you don't you're a bad and neglectful mother because there seems to be a general undercurrent of shame if you haven't managed to (or chose not to) breastfeed for whatever reason?

Thanks

OP posts:
sunnywong · 08/02/2007 11:18

Also, it is what your breasts are for

Aloha · 08/02/2007 11:23

You may be unable to help feeling 'repulse' but you are able to stop yourself using this term in a post aimed at eliciting help from breastfeeders. That seems like simple politeness. I would guess I find lots of things repulsive that other people think are nice, but I'm not going to list them here as it would offend people, and I'm not even asking for help understanding things.

Lazycow · 08/02/2007 11:23

I actually think this is a very interesting question (regardless of it's phrasing). It goes to the heart of what we we feel about ourselves as women and mothers. I know a couple (though not many women) who have had fairly similar views and could not bring themseleves to even try breastfeeding.

I have posted this before but
I personally breastfed for the first 6 months of the 2 years I did it for because I believed I would be a worse mother if I didn't. I'm not saying this is true just what I believed. I had to prove to myself that I was a good mother because I had real trouble bonding with ds at first. Some part of me understood that I needed to make myself indispensible otherwise I was in danger of leaving and never coming back.

The reason I carried on after 6 months was a combination of laziness and a residual 'I have to prove I'm a good mother somehow and if I breastfeed maybe the fact that I I don't like the breastfeeding and that I hate the rest of looking after a baby too doesn't matter so much'

The problem is that despite bfeeding until ds was 2, I still feel a failure because

1 bfeeding was something I really didn't enjoy and obviously a real mother would have enjoyed it
2 becaue I was so releived when he stooped - ditto a real mother would be upset he stopped
3 I didn't feed him on demand after he was 8 months old - so obviously I breastfeed him as he really needed it

Pregnancy was something I didn't enjoy either and having ds move inside me was something I found vaguely repulsive actually.

All of these things make me feel as if I am somehow unatural and go to the core of what I feel about myself as a woman and mother.

As tik tok says a big part of me wants to be someone who gets pleasure from breastfeeding and moving babies in tummies and from being with my ds all day and who finds childbirth wondeful and a miracle (I just think it is pretty disgusting and something that needs to be got through). The fact is I don't for any of these things and part of me sees that as a failure.

Everyone is different but if I can feel as if I failed in breastfeeding I can easily see how someone who desperately wanted to but couldn't would feed would feel that that too.

yellowrose · 08/02/2007 11:25

interesting that you should use the word repulsed in connection with bf ? why would bf make you feel repulsed more than say simply holding or kissing your baby ? it is an intimate physical act and i must say i feel puzzled that any one would use a word as extreme as "repulsed" with regarding to feeding a baby

how would you feel if someone said they feel repulsed by the sight of a baby being given formula ? not a pleasant word is it ?

Lazycow · 08/02/2007 11:27

Too many typos to correct - sorry

But I meant to say ' so obviously I didn't breastfeed him as he needed to be .

dejags · 08/02/2007 11:28

ah but people say that all the time YR

tiktok · 08/02/2007 11:31

dejags - where do 'people' say this??? All the time???

dejags · 08/02/2007 11:36

It's been said a fair few times tiktok

along with minging, criminal, sad, junk-food.

That's life, everybody has their own opinion.

OrmIrian · 08/02/2007 11:36

I think the use of the word 'repulsed' is quite telling. I think that there has to be something wrong if you are repulsed by anything that your body does - especially once you have a baby.

Gingerbear · 08/02/2007 11:40

'I am convert to the MN Church of Be Careful What You Say. Particularly about Feeding, Birth Choices and Weaning.'

After being royally arseslapped here not so long ago,me too Dejags, me too.

NadineBaggott · 08/02/2007 11:42

If only we were all like ticky tacky, in little boxes, and all looked just the same

wouldn't life be swell?

WrinklyCandles · 08/02/2007 11:43

No - boring.

dejags · 08/02/2007 11:43

Oh I know the feeling GB - hope the bruises have healed

These be the perils of an online community with many differing opinions.

PS: are you pregnant?

yellowrose · 08/02/2007 11:45

when and where ? i have never in my entire life heard a bf woman say she feels REPULSED by the sight of a baby being given formula, not even the so-called mafia fascist sorts !!

she may not agree with it if she feels very very strongly about bf HER OWN baby, but why would she feel or say she is repulsed by someone else feeding their baby with cow's milk ?

i mean, for god's sake we all worry about our own baby's health, but why would we spend all day and night worrying about how someone else feeds their baby ?

VeryVeryVivaciousQV · 08/02/2007 11:47

Yeah, but to fair dejags, that was all the same poster, and she doesnt count

dejags · 08/02/2007 11:47

don't get so heated Yellowrose.

read my response to TikTok. It does happen (sadly).

I am not upset by it. It's life.

DizzyBint · 08/02/2007 11:48

(yellowrose- there was a thread about feeling sad about formula feeding, some of the comments suggested revulsion.)

WigWamBam · 08/02/2007 11:49

I would be interested to know how someone could feel so passionate about wanting to formula-feed, but couldn't see how other women would feel the same about breast-feeding - but I suspect that's not really how the OP feels. I smell a stirrer. Someone was in the mood for a scrap this morning - the OP is aggressive and accusatory and there is no way that the poster didn't know it might kick off.

It's milk. It's what we feed our babies on. There's nothing replusive about breastfeeding, there's nothing repulsive about formula feeding.

Not feeding a baby at all would be repulsive, but otherwise who gives a damn how anyone else fed their baby or what their reasons were?

SmileysPeople · 08/02/2007 11:51

Well people do day ff is 'minging' and makes them 'sad'.

OP said she felt repulsed, not that she found others doing so repulsive. A strange view point which would be interesting to look at further and understand (as Tiktok did in her post), but a genuine feeling.

She asking for exaplnations and those who want to and did successfully bf, and want to support others to do the same, might have a convert, and in the process understnad each other better.

When some one says 'I don't understand you' by replying louder 'well I don't understand YOU', doesn't get anyone very far.

AS Tiktok highlighted it's a deep and therfire interesting issue.

Kif · 08/02/2007 11:52

I like breastfeeding. I feel that I can provide dependable and appropriate feeding for my baby - rather than have to trust a third party (SMA) with the issue. It makes me feel secure that, say, if my car broke down, or my plane was delayed or there was a power cut I could feed DS...

Also, I know it to be good for babies health, and much easier tollerated food if they do get ill - so I feel I've taken put double insurance for his health.

To me, the 'yuk' factor of breasfeeding is really very mild, when you've reconciled yourself to the fact that your dp's sperm took root in your belly, took over your body for nine months, then had to be dragged out of your nether regions screaming and bloody followed by various blood and guts. And then they got the needle and thread out.

I mixed fed dd from six weeks. I found it an emotional wrench, because I was offering her something very intimate and bound up in my love for her, and it appeared to be 'not good enough'. With the experience of feeding my son for longer, I also found it a more abrupt adjustment from pregnant. Breasfeeding helps me disconnect at a more gradual pace, which seems nicer for me and for the baby.

With my Dd, when i brought in bottles she started getting much smellier nastier nappies, and starting getting more gassy/bringing up more milk. It made it feel like it wasn't as 'nice'.

However, with Dd, I was very happy that she did take the bottle, because it stopped her beng hungry, and made her more content. So in its own way, I loved the bottle too, becauser it give her such easy instant satisfaction.

mears · 08/02/2007 11:53

I think that crystalpony is being very honest and has laid it on the line how she feels to set the context for discussion. She is totally happy with the choice she made and felt no guilt at all.

No woman should ever feel guilty about how they feed, but I think women like crystalpony have it easy in a way. Let me explain.

A close friend of mine never ever tried btreastfeeding. She was very comfortable in my presence when I was breastfeeding and thought it looked lovely. When she was expected her third baby I asked her if she would consider breastfeeding - I always avoided it before.

She had read all the literature and she absolutely agreed that breastmilk was the ideal food for babies but the thought of doing it disgusted her. There was no way she would even attempt it. She was happy that formula milk was 'good enough' and therefore had no qualms.

To me her feelings are the same as crystalpony's. Formula milk does the job so why worry.

I have said before on other threads that as a midwife I prefer it when women are honest about how they feel. There are a lot of women out there who find the thought of breastfeeding repulsive. Despite what we think, more women formula feed than breastfeed from the outset in most areas of Britain.

To answer your question though crystalpony, I think women have problems because they have not dismissed the importance of babies receiving breastmilk in the way that you can. Your feelings of repulsion have overridden the health benefits etc. that breastmilk has. You do not spend any time worrying about it and that is fine.

Personally I would have been devastated if formula had crossed any of my baby's lips. That is my personal feelings regarding breastfeeding and I could not have over ridden them. Thankfully I did not have to.

Formula itself can be very necessary in certain situations, but not as often as is advised by inadequately trained professionals or indeed family members.

It would be interesting to hear what your thoughts are about why you don't think babies need breastmilk at all.

WrinklyCandles · 08/02/2007 11:54

You kow what, YR? I was repulsed by giving my first baby formula. For his first bottle I showed dh what to do and levft him to it. I couldn't bear to watch. I didn't give ds1 a bottle myself until dh went to work and I had no choice. And I cried while I fed him. Itr felt unnatural, wrong and I felt like I was poisoning my child. It was repulsive to me.

And because that was how I felt, I have the right to use that word about myself and tough shit if it offends.

SmileysPeople · 08/02/2007 11:55

Hear hear WWB!!

I love you and Tiktok.

I'm definetly going to shout next time I see you!!

Why do I open bf/ff threads when mine are way past this?? Interesting itself...analyse me Tiktok, I'm sure you know!

Caligula · 08/02/2007 11:56

Well I haven't got time to read the thread so I guess it's kicked off, but to answer the OP Crystalpony, the reasons I felt very sad and desperate when I couldn't BF my DD, were the following:

  1. I'd already BF my DS successfully, so was furious and frustrated that I didn't get the support I needed to do so for my DD.
  1. I was very poor and resented the amount of money that I was going to have to spend on formula, when I could have fed my kid much healthier, better stuff for free.
  1. It just felt like an idiotic thing to do, to be doing the labour of making up formula when there would have been a free and easy source of better stuff for my kid from my own body
  1. I felt resentful that I had to use the shit produced by big business to feed my child something I knew to be inferior to what my own body could produce.
  1. I felt sad that my DD was getting an inferior source of nutrition than what would have been available to her if I could have BF her.

That's just what I remember feeling off the top of my head. I may be simplifying or re-interpreting my own feelings and I'm not claiming these are anyone else's. But I think they were some of mine at the time. HTH.

WrinklyCandles · 08/02/2007 11:57

Sorry YR, I shoudn't have jumped on you - saw red and didn't read your post ptoperly after the first para. [blush)