I am ashamed of myself for being so judgemental.

[Gingerbear]

A mum from DD's school had a baby last week. I saw her yesterday and was chatting to her about all things baby. Then she got out a bottle and filled it with a carton of formula. I felt my heart sink and I thought, oh no, she hasn't even tried to breastfeed. I was about to say, 'I will be breastfeeding again next time' but held my tongue. I have no idea about her views, if she had problems with breastfeeding and I don't know her well enough to broach the subject.
It is such a personal issue, and so easy to offend someone. I just feel so sad and frustrated at myself for being unable to speak to her.

But feeling sad because someone is NOT doing as you do is not right nor helpful imo.

If you are a SAHM do you feel sad for a child that goes to nursery? If you co sleep do you feel sad for a baby that doesn't? If you have a bugaboo do you feel sad for a by that doesn't?

Well I wouldn't feel self conscious misdee. When I was formula feeding ds I was never ever offended by seeing someone breastfeed because if anything it made me think that if so many people can do it then maybe next time I will be able to breastfeed.

Having said that I think that perhaps in the first year of a babies life you are so emotional that the slightest thing offends you. Right now I think that when baby no 2 comes along I will breastfeed but if it doesn't work out then fine I will formula feed and I can't imagine that I will feel as emotional about it as I did with ds because after all feeding your child is only one aspect of parenting. But I expect it will be a different kettle of fish when I do have another baby if I do breastfeed I will then probably end up feeling guilty for not trying hard enough with ds.

northerner I don't understand the feeling sad either

Lol at the bugabooless babies Northerner .

I think everyone has very different opinions on this, personally i did choose to bottlefeed both my children - who by the way are healthy, fit and clever.

There are choices in life i wouldnt choose to do...but i wont go into that, yes both my kids were/are bottlefed but they are loved, and looked after and i would be most offended by anyone who decided to comment on the way i feed my children.

It is not your place to feel "sad" for that baby purely on the fact that the mother is bottle feeding, and quite frankly none of your business.

nogoes, I never feel guilty about bfeeding dd2 for 2 ys and not the other two. Just circumstances - we all do the best we can - in fact b/c I know how bfeeding works when it goes well I now know that I couldn't have done anything else with dd1 or ds.

pucca - I really disagree with that. babies and children are everyone's business, and we should all try and support each other as a community.
the ridiculous way we are expected to look after babies - all by ourselves behind closed doors without any help - leads to a huge amount of unhappiness ime.
and if what other people fed their children really was no-one else's business, then hat would Jamie Oliver do all day?

Yes, hcc we should all try and help each other as a community but offering unsolicited advice to someone you barely know could just have the opposite effect.

What other people feed their children is ultimately no one else's business. It is other people's business insofaras people should have all the information they require to make an infomed decision about what they feed their children, after that it's their own business.

I don't want to be rude but why should you hold your tongue, it's none of your business! Thats my answer now

Had you posted this 9 weeks ago my answer would have been different.

I bf dd for 17 months, it was easy, I loved it. She was a natural and I never had any problems and thought that women who didn't breast feed were lazy, selfish or wimpy. Move on 6 years, I had my baby 9 weeks ago in a Spanish hospital by emergency c-section. He was taken away from me and dh for about 5 hours after his birth during which time he was given formula and sugar water both of which I hadn't wanted.

By Spanish standards he was a big baby and they would whisk him off and feed him up at every opportunity, again this was not what I wanted but there is not much you can do when you are attached to drips etc. He screamed nonstop for 48 hours. He also didn't take to breastfeeding easily and had real problems latching on.

When we left the hospital my milk still hadn't come in and my baby was hungry. I felt under enormous pressure not to give him formula. Dh and I argued, I felt like the Mother from hell. In the end I went against my principles and it was the best thing I ever did for ds. I now mix feed him at every feed. He is not nipple confused, he is thriving, my supply is good etc.

Here in Spain there is no breastfeeding support which is easily accessible, had I been a first time mum I probably would have given up. I also was badly advised, luckily I ignored them. I was told to stop breastfeeding as I had an infected wound and needed to take antibiotics. I sought a second opinion and this wasn't the case. Again had I been a first time mum at a time of great pressure I may have given up.

I don't feel terribley guilty, i'm not arguing with dh and I have bonded with my son. I now have enormous empathy/sympathy for women who can't or have difficulty breastfeeding, I honestly didn't believe them before. I remember being totally unsympathetic to a friend who couldn't breastfeed, she also had had a c-section. {maybe there is a link with difficulty} I have since apologised to her. So the moral of the story is, don't jump to conclusions, just because you have been successful once, doesn't mean you will be again. Or in my case you may have to work alot harder and compromise.

Sorry rant over

Jamie Oliver can come round and keep me company while DH is at work

I find some of the posts saying "it's not your place to feel sad" a little disturbing, really. Are we policing other people's private thoughts and emotions, now? Isn't it supposed to be the breastfeeders who are fascist controlling militants?

"It is not your place to feel "sad" for that baby purely on the fact that the mother is bottle feeding, and quite frankly none of your business."

Actually, no, it is my place. They're my feelings and no one can tell me how I should feel, I just feel and I am entitled to feel however I want. But no, it isn't my business which is why I would never comment on it to a bottlefeeding mother.

But just because breast feeding is best for you and your child, does not always mean it is best for aother person and their baby. And to think that you are right and only you would be wrong and niave IMO.

Without knowing background, history, medical reasons, relationship issues, how the parent feels, how the baby is, etc. you CANNOT make a reasoned judgement about what is right or wrong for a baby.

To compare formula milk with junk food or unhealthy eating (which has occured on Mumsnet in the past!) is ridiculous.

To make a judgement based on a one off view of someone's life is not fair - and to say it out loud to them would be very wrong!

Most parents are trying to do their best for their children, based on many factors around them. Why not, instead of judging, compliment each other on doing our best for our children despite all thise factors effecting and influencing our deciosns. Parenting isn't always easy - but it could be easier if we supported each others decisions occasionally rather than always lookign to criticse one another.

christ im glad some of you werent around when i was struggling, youd have destroyed the last shred of self respect i had! thank you for your pity but ff mums dont need it, if anything it takes guts to say this is how im raising MY child. you choose to bf well done, i honestly do admire you, but what gives you the right to sit in judgement on those who dont

I think feeling sad for someone elses choice is a little patronising esp if the person in question isn't sad at all

I'm going to parp myself on this thread now. It's all been said before

Harpsi...It is not your business though, if you (a stranger) came up to me in asda while i was buying some SMA and commented in which ever way...i would pretty much tell you to mind your own f&&king business! it is nothing to do with anyone how i choose to feed my child.

Bottlefeeding is not a form of child abuse FFS!

Oh and i didnt even try to breastfeed, so all jump on me now. I didnt want to. MY CHOICE.

This holier than tho attitude really pi$$es me off, as i said before there are plenty of choices in life to make, such as example of my dh works full time (i am still on maternity leave) we would be better off on benefits actually but we choose to carry on as we are...paying for our childrens clothes etc ourselves. (i know irrelevant to the subject but as an example).

Having said that, I'm back. No, it's not patronising at all Noddy. It's just feeling, emotion and you can't dictate these at all. It's how you act on them that is important. It would be patronising to look down on someone but it's not patronising to personally feel sad.

Soupy...No one is saying not to feel, but it is not your place to say something to that mother.

But you feeling sad is implying there is something amiss with the parent and child you are seeing when in reality that could be far from the truth.

One of my friends was repeatedly abused as a very young teenager. this abuse often involved her breasts. She chose not to breast feed.

It would, simplistically, have been better for her baby to be breast fed. And I am sure many of the people around her condemned her for not trying, because she doesn't walk around with a tee shirt bearing the slogan "My Grandfather used to make me let him suck my nipples"

But Only when you know the full story can you see clearly why breast feeding would have made her feel "Filthy and trapped!" (her words)

Well, feelings are involuntary. So there's not much point berating people for having them, is there?

Acting on your feelings, however, is where the element of choice lies - and the OP and virtually everyone else who shares her feelings has already said they did not/would not do so.

So there's nothing to argue about.

Not at all, it just means that it differs from my experiences, memories and feelings of breastfeeding. It doesn't mean I see it as being "amiss".

And I've never said (nor would I) anything to a mother about their feeding choices.

"I find some of the posts saying "it's not your place to feel sad" a little disturbing, really. Are we policing other people's private thoughts and emotions, now? Isn't it supposed to be the breastfeeders who are fascist controlling militants? "

I find it very disturbing that some of you feel sad to see a bottle fed baby. And very disturbing that you are glad if you manage to 'bite your tongue' and not say anything.

Well, that's just tough, isn't it, northerner? You can't police somebody else's involuntary emotional responses. Neither can they, actually. So you're getting all worked up for no reason.