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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

I am ashamed of myself for being so judgemental.

377 replies

Gingerbear · 28/01/2007 08:03

A mum from DD's school had a baby last week. I saw her yesterday and was chatting to her about all things baby. Then she got out a bottle and filled it with a carton of formula. I felt my heart sink and I thought, oh no, she hasn't even tried to breastfeed. I was about to say, 'I will be breastfeeding again next time' but held my tongue. I have no idea about her views, if she had problems with breastfeeding and I don't know her well enough to broach the subject.
It is such a personal issue, and so easy to offend someone. I just feel so sad and frustrated at myself for being unable to speak to her.

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 28/01/2007 11:04

Oh but I don't agree with the point in Cattymum's last post "if something is best for your child and you dont do it... that means you are not trying to do whats best for your child... logically". That is over-simplistic. Particularly because 'not doing it' does not automatically equate to 'not trying'.

SoupDragon · 28/01/2007 11:05

I will admit to feeling sad when I see newborns being bottle fed. I wonder whether the mother decided not to try and feel sad because my memories of my time bf-ing are wonderful, I wonder whether they tried and did not succeed through lack of support or misinformation and feel sad because that's avoidable, I wonder if they are physically unable to because of medication or whatever and I feel sad because they can't. I don't judge them though.

There's nothing wrong with feeling sad, feeling sad about small things like bottle feeding or a lost cuddly toy doesn't in any way diminish the Big Things there are to feel sad about.

nearlythree · 28/01/2007 11:06

batters .

Sometimes, what is best for your child is having peace of mind, and knowing you can cope with the way you have chosen to feed. I know a mum who simply couldn't stand the thought of bf, but she still loves her daughter and is a great mum.

I knew I'd made the right choice to stop with ds when I got up to feed him in the night with a knot of dread in my stomach, only to remember I was ffeeding - the relief!

I still cry now over how I felt about not bfeeding dd1, and I shed the odd tear over ds b/c I will never bfeed again - he is my last. But I don't blame anyone who never tried bf in the first place - it can be hard work and if you don't want to do it, it must be torture.

nogoes · 28/01/2007 11:06

But you really have no idea that she has not tried to breastfeed, the baby might be on one formula feed per day and you happened to see her give the baby that feed or she may have already tried but had to give up for whatever reason.

When I have another baby I plan to breastfeed but if it doesn't work out I plan to go and sit next to a load of breastfeeding mothers and whip the bottle out just to piss them off and they can judge me until the cows come home! I don't get people I really don't .

SoupDragon · 28/01/2007 11:08

"I plan to go and sit next to a load of breastfeeding mothers and whip the bottle out just to piss them off"
Why on earth would you do that?

misdee · 28/01/2007 11:08

nogoes, if you think that will piss us off, you are mistaken . try telling us that we shouldfeed our babies in the bogs, that will work

BBWBabeLisa · 28/01/2007 11:08

The point is misdee, that when you see someone buing formula you cannot assume they haven't/don't want to try. Even if someone is pregnant and buying it you cannot assume they don't want to try. My friend, and my step-sister, both have tumours on their pituitary gland and because of this and the meds they have to take they couldn't even consider bf'ing. How dare someone judge them if they saw them buying formula in preparation for their child's birth. Is it any wonder there's talk of a bf'ing mafia, and smug bf'ers. Wind your necks in and stop making women feel so bloody useless.

moondog · 28/01/2007 11:09

What a bizarre conversation!
Ginger feeling bad (and getting slagged off/defended for something she didn't say!)

wtf?

I see plenty of things every single day that I think are sad/foolish/inadvisable.

I don't however comment until asked to.
Same goes for most of us I'll wager.

misdee · 28/01/2007 11:10

sorry for having an opinion.

southeastastra · 28/01/2007 11:15

surely people should have a go at the nhs rather than each other, bf support was non existent each time i had my sons. they just let you get on with whatever you want.

SoupDragon · 28/01/2007 11:17

On the flip side... I remember going to a class coffee morning and feeling I had to play down my success at breastfeeding (*) when a mother of a similar aged baby launched into how she'd had to formula feed. I almost felt embarrassed to bf BabyDragon because I thought it night upset her. How mad is that?

  • not that I was going to talk about it or regail them with tales of my breastfeeding career!!
moondog · 28/01/2007 11:18

lo at 'breastfeeding career'

BBWBabeLisa · 28/01/2007 11:18

"sorry for having an opinion"

The way you've stated your opinion is toxic, can't you see that? It leaves no room for individual circumstances, and makes women worry all the more about how they'll be judged when they can't bf for whatever reason. It's no better than someone making a sweeping generalisation about all people of a different race to them. There are some opinions that are better not expressed in my opinion.

lissielou · 28/01/2007 11:18

bfing mums should never have to feed in the loos and things have changed a lot now, most restaurants, shopping centres etc have a bf policy whereby bfing mums can feed in peace. and people who complain are told to move by the staff.

but how dare anyone judge a mum who is doing her best. if a woman chooses not to bf why should we be disappointed in her? or bite our tongue? instead be glad that we HAVE the choice to bf or ff

misdee · 28/01/2007 11:18

SD, i am always self conscience about whipping a nork out in case i offend a f/feeding mum. obviouslym i only hop one out when dd3 wants it.

misdee · 28/01/2007 11:20

BBW i was talking about people who say they WONT breastfeed not those who CANT. be cause i cant PERSONALLY understand why.

Cattymum · 28/01/2007 11:21

I meant not trying, not not doing, if you see what i mean... if you hate it, then give up at least you tried, if a healthy baby of a healthy mum is put straight on to the bottle as soon it is born.... thats not trying.

The prevailing attitude that breasts are sexual objects, as in the post below with the mohter saying "your breasts are your husbands" wtf? That is the type of attitude we need to be angry about

nogoes · 28/01/2007 11:22

Misdee, but you shouldn't feel self conscious about whipping a nork out in public, why on earth should breastfeeding or vottlefeeding offend anyone?

nogoes · 28/01/2007 11:23

Sorry, I meant bottlefeeding, vottlefeeding is very offensive.

noddyholder · 28/01/2007 11:24

I can't believe the narrow attitude that appears every time this subject comes up.All my close girlfriends breast fed their babies I didn't as i was on strong medication which passed into the breast milk Not once did anyone ever criticise or judge me for my choice whether they were aware of my reasons or not.I have always adored my son felt close to him and he is healthy and well.This judgemental attitude seems very new thank god it wasn't rife when ds was a baby

misdee · 28/01/2007 11:26

but thats the thing nogoes, you do because there are so many people who see you breastfeeding and launch into why they are ff. yes i care about breastfeeding and think its wonderful and everyone should have ago in an ideal world, but the world isnt ideal, peiople ahve problems and i understand that, i do, after all i formula fed dd1+2 as well as b/f. and yesi am vocal on here and i dont understand why people wont give it a go if they are able to, but when i am breastfeeding my dd3, i do feel worried in case i upset anyone.

its harder in groups of new mums, as there is so much emotion attached to how you feed your baby. and i am very well aware of that. even if i dont come across that well in teh typed word.

nearlythree · 28/01/2007 11:30

I used to be very angry with mums who didn't try to bfeed, b/c I would have sold my soul in order to do so. Now I realise there are circumstances other than medical ones which are just as valid - for some mums it simply isn't a part of their make-up. The arguement I get least is, 'well, Dave wouldn't like it', but if Dave is a bully even that makes sense.

misdee · 28/01/2007 11:31

oh i'm not angry, curious and puzzled mainly.

Hulababy · 28/01/2007 11:36

GB - I think we all judge about something; it is the not saying it out loud to someone that is the main thing though. I know I probably judge without knowing full circumstances too, about lots of things.

TBH with something as emotive as how to feed a child I definitely thing not saying something is the best way forward - unless they ask directly for your advice, support, comments.

BBWBabeLisa · 28/01/2007 11:38

Apologies misdee. My post was a knee-jerk reaction. Have gone back and re-read your post with a calm head, and you have made it clear you're talking about those who won't, not can't. It's a very emotive subject for me still, I really shouldn't click on these threads. So again, apologies for going off on one.