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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

I am ashamed of myself for being so judgemental.

377 replies

Gingerbear · 28/01/2007 08:03

A mum from DD's school had a baby last week. I saw her yesterday and was chatting to her about all things baby. Then she got out a bottle and filled it with a carton of formula. I felt my heart sink and I thought, oh no, she hasn't even tried to breastfeed. I was about to say, 'I will be breastfeeding again next time' but held my tongue. I have no idea about her views, if she had problems with breastfeeding and I don't know her well enough to broach the subject.
It is such a personal issue, and so easy to offend someone. I just feel so sad and frustrated at myself for being unable to speak to her.

OP posts:
northerner · 28/01/2007 12:16

And you can't tell a woman how to feed her baby. (Well you can try, but ultimatley it's her choice)

So that's tough too.

sandcastles · 28/01/2007 12:16

GB, did you know for sure that the baby wasn't adopted/fostered?

grouchyoscar · 28/01/2007 12:24

GB Don't be too hard on yourself. You may have thought it but you didn't vocalise your disapproval, how would you feel if you had?

Personally I couldn't entertain any feeding method other than BF. I was lucky as despite a few minor issues (poor positioning, lack of support from family etc) I was able to bf sucessfully. I was still quite (siently) disapproving of bottlefeeding. However. I did a bf counselling course and became very aware of the reasons why some mums choose not to bf and obsticales that mums may face to bfing.I realised that feeding a baby is entirly down to the personal choice of the mother/carer.

We are aware of the pros and cons of Bfing but I feel it is important not to judge to hastlily. Wether it be due to 'don't want to' to a mirad of any other reasons, it is the parent's choice

SoupDragon · 28/01/2007 12:24

Nobody is actually telling anyone who to feed their baby though...

Greensleeves · 28/01/2007 12:25

pmsl Soupdragon

talking and brick walls leap to mind....

roseylea · 28/01/2007 13:08

Actually, this whole business about feeling 'sad' about not breastfeeding...

Is that not to do with our idealised notions about the type of mum we want to be? We are sold this image of the uber-yummy-mummy, we read in the pregancy magazines that all the choices are ours to make, we write our birth plans saying we want it all au naturel and so on...

But life isn't really always in our control, is it? My 2 were both born prem (so obviously all notions of me being in ciontrol of a birth experience were out of the window), dd was ventouse (not what I'd choose) and ds was induced (again not what I'd choose).

I felt a certain sense of sadness that I hadn't had the ideal experiences of giving birth...however that tinge of sadness was offset by a huge and overwhelming love for them both and a deep gratitude that they were alive and able to breathe independently and really very healthy despite being early.

So yes it's lovely to be able to breastfeed for as long as you want to, but keep it in perspective...the most important thing you can give your children is love! Without that they will never thrive. Breast or bottle is just the details in the greater scheme of things.

nearlythree · 28/01/2007 13:11

Northener, I so agree with you. How can anyone be sad just b/c a baby has a bottle????

I feel so happy when I see a contented newborn (and maybe a little wistful as I won't be having any more), so long as the baby is being loved and cared for.

northerner · 28/01/2007 13:28

Crikey, when my ds was a baby and I was in ASDA buying hs formula, I was just minding my own business getting on with my life.

Didn't realise I was causing so much sorrow around the world for breast feeding mums.

Gemmitygem · 28/01/2007 14:05

not knocking anyone, but think it's interesting how we judge people based on our own experience. For example, before I became a mum 3 months ago, I just didn't get why people said the baby took over your life etc. Logically, I thought 'oh, come on, they're just making a big fuss!' lots of other stuff like that since having DS, has made me think how crucial it is to learn by doing, otherwise you can never understand.

On the other hand, I do feel sad that more people don't breastfeed, not because I think they're bad parents or whatever, but I feel sad that they maybe didn't get the right support, as it's far from easy at first, and wanted to but had some problem and were beating themselves up. However I do frankly feel less patient if someone really thinks breastfeeding is best but just doesn't want to because they can't be bothered (of course not if they've been abused etc, but if they just don't like the idea..., and I think it is ok to give a gentle kick up the arse in that case , but not to a stranger, to a very close friend etc. As a mum I don't appreciate advice cos I think I know best, but sometimes you end up taking it and being glad you did!

nearlythree · 28/01/2007 14:54

But there will be things that you don't like the thought of that others will think are 'best' for your baby. My own mum had no interest in bf me (not that it was the done thing in 1971 anyway) but I don't blame her in any way - it just wasn't her thing. Even when I did bf my dd2 it took a lot of time for it to settle and it was painful for some of the time. I can see why someone wouldn't want to do that, to concentrate on other aspects of parenting.

anaconda · 28/01/2007 15:58

OMG. i am appalled by some of what's been said on here. what a bunch of smug, self righteous individuals. who are you to feel "sad" about someone else's perfectly legitimate parenting choices. how revoltingly patronising. i know you don't like it when people aren't welcoming about breast feeding, why on earth would you judge other people! you people need to find something genuinely "sad" to put your energy into - lobbying for the millions of children working in sweatshop conditions to produce clothes and plastic musical crap to keep our little angels amused. GRRRRRRR!!!!

hunkermunker · 28/01/2007 16:19

I felt very sad when the midwife told me DS2 "would have to be topped up".

Actually, initially I felt puzzled - I wasn't sure what she meant

Is it OK I felt sad then, because he's my baby?

Or do I need special permission from someone?

I feel sad when I see babies being bottlefed IF I know their mothers have had shite shite shite bfeeding support and would rather have bfed. Am I allowed to feel sad for that too? One I saw recently was told by her GP that she had to ffeed because her baby had a cold and was getting cross when she tried to bfeed him.

Am I allowed to feel sad about that? Because I think that it's a fucking disgrace that medical professionals can get away with this sort of atrocious "advice". That makes me angry and sad.

hunkermunker · 28/01/2007 16:19

Anaconda, I think the point is that often ffeeding isn't a choice. Posters on this very thread have made that very clear. And I think that is something worth feeling sad about.

misdee · 28/01/2007 16:30

hi hunker [waves]

hunkermunker · 28/01/2007 16:31

Hello! Bit late to this thread, but couldn't resist, Misdee

SmileysPeople · 28/01/2007 16:49

I read this thread earlier today and also intially fely angry about the 'feeling sad' comment.

But that was beacuse I was reading the thread backwards, and interpreted that as a judgemental comment. When I actually got to SoupDragon's post, it is actually a much more supportive comment, more along the lines of 'how sad those women didn't get more help' and 'how sad they may be feeling guilt over this.'

I wonder if Anaconda read the post? If not do. It's not like you, and I, and other senesitive and therefore defensive ff mothers may think.

misdee · 28/01/2007 16:51

hunker i almost stropped over this thread.

i promise i wont reappear

Original poster
Gingerbear · 28/01/2007 19:04

I have been out for most of the day, so my apologies for not returning to this thread.

Just to clarify - I did not say anything to the mum, I was sad and angry with myself for being judgmental.
I have no idea what she went through during the birth, if the baby couldn't feed due to some health problems, or merely if the mum had chosen not to BF.

I want to BF my baby, but if I cannot, for whatever reason, so be it.

As I said earlier, there are worse things that could happen than FF babies - witness what batters said about the tiny baby left to cry in the cinema.

I have no doubt that baby is loved as much as she can be by her mum, FF or BF.

OP posts:
DizzyBint · 28/01/2007 19:16

of course there are worse things that can happen to a baby and yes of course there are worse things in the world to feel sad about HOWEVER, i do feel a tinge of sadness when i see a little baby being bottlefed. i can not help it. i wonder what the reasons are and i feel bad for wondering as YES, it's not at all my business.

i felt sad watching boogie beebies today. it was a baby dance and they had a baby being bottlefed. i wondered why this decision was made, rather than having a bf baby. and i felt sad.

moondog · 28/01/2007 19:19

I saw that Dizzy (unfortunately.I want to punch that bloody Pete.)I felt sad too and feel sad every time I see a bottlefed baby.

kittypants · 28/01/2007 19:22

what the hell as it got to do with you?????it makes me very cross when people judge others.why does it make you sad?because you think a ff baby cant be as well loved as a bf baby?

moondog · 28/01/2007 19:23

How is feeling sad 'judging'?
I'm sure you might feel very sad watching me do some of the things I do with my children.
And good luck to you!

kittypants · 28/01/2007 19:25

but why does it make you sad?

moondog · 28/01/2007 19:27

Because the kid hasn't had the best start he could have had,and every kid deserves this.

kittypants · 28/01/2007 19:29

but maybe either she couldnt or didnt want too,im sure she didnt need your pity.