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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

I am ashamed of myself for being so judgemental.

377 replies

Gingerbear · 28/01/2007 08:03

A mum from DD's school had a baby last week. I saw her yesterday and was chatting to her about all things baby. Then she got out a bottle and filled it with a carton of formula. I felt my heart sink and I thought, oh no, she hasn't even tried to breastfeed. I was about to say, 'I will be breastfeeding again next time' but held my tongue. I have no idea about her views, if she had problems with breastfeeding and I don't know her well enough to broach the subject.
It is such a personal issue, and so easy to offend someone. I just feel so sad and frustrated at myself for being unable to speak to her.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 30/01/2007 13:43

fortyplus and vvvqv. esp forty's shrivelled boobs...

i feel really sorry for GB on this one. her only mistake was in posting that she'd caught herself feeling judgemental and then felt ashamed. still, if whe wanted a bit of 'mea culpa, mea maxima culpa' chest-beating she's had it here. (probably tea maxima culpa but you know what i mean).

without wishing to start this whole thing off again, i know i feel sad that dd wasn't exclusively bf'd, so i'd be inclined to agree with anyone who thinks the same. i'd have their sympathy in spadefuls, tbh. although lord knows if someone had tackled me in a supermarket i'd have dissolved...

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 13:54

Aitch - yes, you're right. She admitted that she'd caught herself feeling judgemental and felt ashamed. And as I and several others have commented - she had the good grace not to say anything.
That must be the worst thing for the ff mums. I'd get very defensive about anything that anyone said that would imply I wasn't doing my best for my children.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/01/2007 13:55

Aitch - How could you smile at forty's unfortunate shrivelling

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 14:01

They're saggy, too

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 14:03

Probably would've stayed all pert and lovely if I'd ff!

That's a j - o - k - e before anyone pounces on me for perpetuating more myths!

misdee · 30/01/2007 14:03

TMI Forty

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 14:06

Don't you want me to tell you about my other bits then?

misdee · 30/01/2007 14:07

nooooooooooo, not unless yuou want to know aboiut mine (everything heading south)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/01/2007 14:11

although, I feel it only right to stamp on another myth, lest it be perpetuated any further....

Its pregnancy that makes boobs saggy, not b/feeding.

If that was the case, Misdee's and Hunkers Norks would be touching their toes by now

tiredemma · 30/01/2007 14:12

Im really, truly sorry if I have offended anybody by my post. I did not want to stir anything up. I certainly had no desire to attack or make any references to the OP, I said -why when I read threads like these should I feel bad?

These threads are always highly emotive - otherwise the next reply to the OP would not say 'oh dear'. We all know what will happen on a thread such as this.

Im sorry for my slight rant about neglecting children etc, you are right nobody even suggested on here that it was a comparison with FF.

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tiredemma · 30/01/2007 14:18

no, I didnt see it, mine are too old now anyway. I will look more carefully in future and hesitate in dropping in on the first post I see, all guns blazing.

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 14:21

I went on it even though I'm 45 and an ex bf mum. I think ff mums need all the support they can get

eviletc · 30/01/2007 14:21

admit have scan read some of thread so apologies if any of this has already been discussed.

but personally, i feel that i am judged for bfing by ffers! i go to 3 baby groups, one of those is specifically for bf mothers and babies. one NCT group is probably 60-40 in favour of formula and the other group( =an independent baby/toddler group), i am the only bfing mother.

it is this last group that really made me feel bad. they all sat around discussing formula,bottles, colic, reflux, feeding patterns/schedules et etc and acted as if i wasn't there. i only dared bf dd once there and since then have timed it so i wouldn't have to as the looks and whispers were too damning. i am not ashamed of bf. i love it and have done it in cafes, park benches, walking through woods (!), loads of public places and never had any adverse reactions.

while bf is right for me and my baby, i would never ever feel i had the right to make anyone feel as uncomfortable as those mothers made me. your baby, your body, your choice.

eviletc · 30/01/2007 14:22

am not directing this at ffers at all btw (unless any of you go to my toddler group )

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 14:25

The only time I really hated bf was in front of my fil. I had lots of very baggy tops - I found that a baby snuggled up without a bare boob on show never provoked comment. Surely things can't be worse now than they were 13 years ago? That would be sad.

Original poster
Gingerbear · 30/01/2007 14:38

I had vowed not to return to this thread since it started such a furore.

However, I feel bound to have a final say as people have stated things I never said, made assumptions about my views on formula/breastfeeding, and even said they felt sorry for my children!

Mea Culpa is an admission of one's flawed nature and one's willingness to make amends.

My sole reason for starting this thread was to admit my error of judgement and that I metaphorically slapped myself for it. I also want to make amends for my private thoughts and feelings - by whatever means I can.

I never said that I felt sad for the baby; my instinctive fleeting first thoughts were to wonder why a newborn was being bottlefed. As I said in later posts, I have no idea why the mum was bottle feeding and would never presume that as a virtual stranger to her that I could ask such intimate and personal questions.

And for the record, I never said anything about judging women buying tins of formula, nor do I think that formula is 'minging'.

Be it a women's choice to formula feed or if she had no choice in that decision, it is not my position to judge. THAT is why I was ASHAMED of myself for those thoughts.

I will say no more on the subject.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 30/01/2007 14:45

Hopefully everyone learns from threads like these. You felt guilty for feeling judgemental, but you did the right thing by not commenting.

Bethbe · 30/01/2007 14:47

Best for your baby:

Breast feeding
Maternal sanity

Sometimes you can have both, but if not, only the mother can decide which is more important for her baby or the balance she is comfortable with.

Lets stand together to lobby for more information and support to be available so that this decision can be informed and based on facts, - not attack or criticise each other!

And I'm not gonna even tell you whether I BF/FF or mix!!!!!

hunkermunker · 30/01/2007 14:52

VVV, at least I wasn't trying to sellotape mine back to pertness the other night

VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/01/2007 15:33

No hunker, you wanted to buy stuff off t'internet for yours....

GB, i'll stop bumping this now, I promise. x

AitchTwoOh · 30/01/2007 16:07

i'm bumping it one last time to sympathise with eviletc about her baby group, and to agree with her in every other respect than 'your choice'. the sooner people stop saying that, the better.

i can't think of one ffer on this thread who has indicated that it was a choice... something prevented us from bfing, be it medication, mental health, physical health or poor support. i know that's not reflective of the general population necessarily, but on this subject i don't find MN demographically correct in the slightest.

NineUnlikelyTales · 30/01/2007 17:00

Fair enough Gingerbear, I'm sorry I misunderstood you

CoozerP · 30/01/2007 19:19

Just wanted to say sorry if any earlier comment sounded like I was hostile to anyone on thread, actually think you were very reasonable. Just had bad experiences but still should not tar everyone with same brush (weird expression eh?) So sorry again, just having bad day

lucy5 · 30/01/2007 20:31

Gingerbear, just wanted to say hello!