Please give me some responses (sensible and flippant equally appreciated) for my Dh's unsupportive questions/comments about extended breast feeding

[popsycal]

FFS
I feel ill
I have to respond to questions about breast feeding regularly from family and friends. The least I expect is DH to be supportive. Well, at least not critical.

But tonight, he has just confronted me with:
'so give me a ball park figure (twat) for when you are going to stop breastfeeding'
'whenever ds2 wants to'
'people think it is getting ridiculous'
'which people?'
'just people. my mum, people I work with'
'what does your mum think is ridiculous and what has it got to do with people you work with who don't know me and who i have never met?'
'but it is getting ridiculous'
'is it?'
'yes - he would be sleeping through by now if you did not breast feed?'
'would he? which research is this based on?'
'my research (twat)'
'where is your research?'
'in here.... (twat)
'what are your objections?'
'it is getting ridiculous'
'what is ridiculous?'
'that he is nearly two and even people who breast feed think it is ridiculous'
'why?'
'why do you have to do it for so long? you are being selfish. it is nearly all for selfish reasons'

at which point i left the room before i exploded
so bloody cross

I'm still feeding my ds and he's three and a half. I've had enough of it though, I have to admit.

Haven't read all the posts, but just wanted to tell you how we deal with it in my family... we know that other people think it's weird, so we just don't ever mention it. Everyone else assumes we would have stopped by now. Dh's mum has no idea we still do it, nor do any of our friends or colleagues or other relations! Sadly, because of attitudes in our society, our ds knows that 'milkies' have to be private (at home, no body else around). I'm lucky though, in that I don't have to deal with my husband's disapproval.

Can you talk to him and suggest that if he's embarrassed about it then he doesn't discuss it with anyone? It doesn't have to be public knowledge. I would be horrified if my dh discussed our extended bfing with his mother or colleagues.

Sounds like your dh is just ignorant of the facts/emotional issues involved. Try buying 'when weaning happens' (amazon), a la leche league publication, full of natural weaning stories/issues you may face as an extending bfing mother, and full of a variety of weaning ages (from one to five!). Maybe if he knows more about it, and knows you are not the only one doing it, he will feel less uncomfortable with the idea. Spose its not his fault that he's influenced by our culture and society that sees extended bfing as weird.

Good luck!

Popsy,how old is the babe?
It's a sleeping issue really,not a feeding one it seems.

tbh Jools, I don't know why it is popsycal's (or any of our) responsibility to "educate" ignorant, prejudiced people about the benefits of breastfeeding.
we're just mothers, not evangelists.
and if we were to try and educate, then no doubt we would be accused of being rabid, smug, nazis
I must say I grow immensely weary of all the utter crap and endless whining we have to put up with.

(sorry for terrible grammar)

Ah well Harpsi,JT thinks breastfeeding beyond the age of 12 days is sort of ok as long as you express it and give it to the baby in a cup.

Bless her.

Jeez some men are twats eh? I would say that it's your decision and tell him to naff off!!!

My dp has was always happy to support whatever decision i made.Bfing dd2 who is 6 months and bf dd1 and ds2 till they were 20 months and 2.5 respectivly.I bf both of them out and about till they were finished bfing.

Good for you carrying on when you have no/little support tho.Agree the sleeping thing is the problem more than the feeding.I have had 4 poor sleepers so i do sympathise.

Sorry but I'm with JT on this one - and I have no problems with extended breastfeeding at all. ButI am assuming that popsycal's dh is also father of ds2, so this is a parenting decision which needs to be discussed without resorting to insults, otherwise how can dh be expected to be supportive. Parenting should be a joint activity, and preferably should be done in agreement. There are gentler ways to bring dh to his senses.

Popsy's DH isnt very supportive generally, thats the problem LadyM. Dont know if you know much about popsy's DH, but, he has a tendency to watch from afar, and not get involved, except to chip his twopenneth in...inbetween smoking dope, iirc?

ok so I can hear your dh's tone of voice but at the end of the day its YOUR decision.
My dh came around to the idea of extended bf when he realised my boobs would remain bigger for longer. Now he positively encourages ds to feed willy nilly (dear god).
DS is only 18months old and bf's only once in the morning so its not an issue for us. BF and sleeping through are not nec related so its not really an argument.

Your dh needs to remember its you he is married to and not his friends/workmates or his mother and therefore its YOUR opinino that counts not theirs.

Lots of hugs

harpsi - sorry thought the clarion call was for more education and support on breastfeeding in general, must have got that bit wrong.

vvvq - I didn't know popsy's situation at home, from what you say they obviously have communication issues generally and I don't want to get involved in someone else's marital conflicts so I'll bow out.

well JT the clarion call is also for "don't be an unsupportive arsehole about bf" and "if you have ignorant and narrow minded views about bf, keep them to yourself".
and this dh should be GIVING support and educating other people about bf, surely? are you saying it is popsycal's role to educate her dh and support him?

Popsy FWIW I think you are doing a grand job. And if your DH is bothered by the number of people who think extended BF is wierd, you can point him in the direction of this thread, and show hom that (so far) approximately 60 people think he is a twat. So it MUST be true!

That's lovely, referring to someone you don't even know as 'a twat'.

My ds has just turned two and is still feeding.

My other kids stopped at 2 and 3. I remember one of them even had a feed at 4 after a particularly nasty fall in the playground. (I still had milk as was feeding her baby brothers).

Mine all stopped gradually so that I didn't even notice them stopping. Now and again my four year old ds says milk mama when he sees the baby feeding I say, 'No. You're too old'.

Luckily my dh was supportive and I couldn't possibly have given a flying toss what anyone else (MIL springs to mind) thought about it.

'Ball park'. That alone would be enough to make me see red.

By the way has anyone mentioned the international average age babies stop feeding is six or something ridiculous like that.

We are uptight in this society. Like I always say, you're not practising 'extended breastfeeding' but rather most women do 'curtailed breastfeeding'.

'well JT the clarion call is also for "don't be an unsupportive arsehole about bf" and "if you have ignorant and narrow minded views about bf, keep them to yourself".
and this dh should be GIVING support and educating other people about bf, surely? are you saying it is popsycal's role to educate her dh and support him? '

WTF are you on about?! Er, yes, if her dh is not 'up to speed' on the supposed benefits of extended breastfeeding and Popsycal wants support from him, then it would seem fairly logical to me that she try to 'educate' him. How on earth does telling someone they are a twat and walking out do anything other than fuel the argument? I can see that it must be very frustrating for someone to come up against such resistance from their partner but there is no way to change it, other than to point out exactly why it's a good idea to carry on. Surely?!

Would he be asking for a 'ballpark figure' as to when he will be potty trained? Or learn to read?

Telll him to NOb Off. And why, may I ask, is it suddenly Popsycal's job to teach her P how to behave like an adult?

Sounds to me that your dh has just been got at a bit by the many in society who seem to see bf as something weird, "unnatural" and vaguely sexual. (Whereas, of course, feeding a baby highly processed milk designed for another species out of a plastic bottle is "natural", huh?).

And he's probably heard the myths about how formula has the magical effect of making all babies "sleep through".

And he might have fallen for the widely-held belief that most women don't have enough milk for their LOs and this milk is always on the brink of "drying-up".

Oh yeah, and there's also the notion that anyone practicing so-called extended breastfeeding is "only doing it for themselves". Usually because "they don't want their baby to grow up". And, of course, the babies are going to reach adulthood, still carving for "bitty" a la Little Britain.

Tell dh that you will continue for as long as you both want to. Would he be objecting if ds were drinking formula from a bottle?Tell him that you are trying to do your best for your ds and would appreciate a bit of support. That it is naff all to do with his mum and his mates at work how you choose to feed your son. And if you feel like compromising, maybe you might agree to stop before ds starts school - but, then again, maybe not .

Haven't had time to read whole thread so apologise if this has already been mentioned, but I'm trying desperately to see it from his side . Could it be anything to do with sex and him having you and your norks back to normal? Maybe he's a tad jealous!

TWAT!

twat, twat, twat, twat ,twat!

and dp agrees! his jaw dropped when i read him the 'my mother and people at work think it's ridiculous' bit... he wants to know how the hell you'd bring that up in a conversation with work mates?

he also rather sweetly pointed out that it's hardly selfish to have to be in 24/7 constant physical and emotional demand to a toddler.

if he wants the sleep sorted let him spend a few nights sorting it while you get some sleep popsy

Agree with those who object to Popsycal being told she should be taking responsibility for her DH's education.

He is this child's father. His first priority right now should be the welfare of his son and partner, not the fatuous and ill-informed opinions of his colleagues.

If he's so worried, would it really be so much to ask that he does the research himself? Or do those of you outraged on his behalf see this as purely the woman's domain? It's just in her interests, so the responsibility should be on her shoulders?

ffs

Mimmypig, Popsy already educated her DH last time he sulked about her still bfeeding.

This time round, he knows all the reasons, therefore he's just being an unsupportive twat.

Maybe it would be worth hearing him out? Just a bit? I mean, I know that breatfeeding needs more support in society at large but, really, branding someone a twat repeatedly... mistake.
It's more important for a toddler that his parents get along well than he gets breastmilk at this stage. Really. I admit he approached the issue in a bit of a weird bloke-y way ('ball park!')but if it's bothering him then listen to why, FGS!

And what's so wrong with himn talking to his workmates/mother? So, we can sit on MNet discussing bf issues at length but, really, is he allowed no-one to discuss it with? You don't need to 'educate' him about the unchallenged panacea that is breastfeeding, but perhaps listen in case it's actually about your sex life/ownership of your body, etc., and you could talk these things through.

YeahYeahYeah - Oh my, that was brave! You said they'd give you a beating and they did. All those folk ready to say 'how ignorant'/'come back when you know something'/that nasty sarcky comment about how you might have intelligent opinions on other topics... There will be other people who think it ain't great to bf toddlers reading this thread, but they aren't likely to own up to that, are they?!

The OP had just been verbally attacked by her DH (using lots of below-the-belt ammo i.e. opinions of colleages/MIL).

She was letting off steam about it.

Aren't some of you being a bit... well... unreasonably reasonable?

I'm sure popsycal will do what's best for her son and her relationship, but if a woman can't come onto a parenting forum and let off steam about being spoken too like that without being told that she should have responded in a rational manner and helped the poor diddums to understand, well...

What's the world coming too?

to not too