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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Breastfeeding - a contentious rant!

432 replies

jenbird · 22/08/2012 23:51

I may get flamed for this post but here goes:

I am very pro choice when it comes to breastfeeding. I have breastfed all 3 of my babies and I plan on doing the same with this one. However I would never say just because that is my choice it is right for everyone. I understand that different people have different needs and that actually although nutritionally BF may be best if it is making the mother incredibly anxious or miserable then I believe it is not necessarily the best thing for that mother or baby.
What I do hate though is people who say "I just didn't have enough milk" when actually what they mean is "I tried breastfeeding for 2 days, I didn't like it, it didn't work for me and I have decided to bottle feed".
This has happened very recently in my life. A very good friend said she couldn't feed her baby as she didn't have any milk. The reality was that the baby was unsettled a lot and she wasn't sure what to do. Her mother said she "needed" a bottle so she went with that. Her baby is sleeping pretty well at night now and all is fine.
Breastfeeding your first can be really hard work. It hurts, it comes with a huge uncertainty and you seem to spend an inordinate amount of your time feeding but it does have it's rewards too and once you get going it is far easier.
I just hate those flippant comments about not having any milk when actually it is just about choice. Don't devalue the effort I put in just because you didn't want to go down that path.

I obviously can't say this to my friend in RL so I bite my tongue.

Rant over. Hope I don't offend anyone. If I do blame it on crazy lady hormones!

OP posts:
Original poster
jenbird · 23/08/2012 11:46

OMG FFS I have not once commented on whether people had any milk or not. I wasn't even remarking on this issue. Brettgirl2 at what point did I assume you are talking nonsense. I don't even know you for christ sake. Like wise NCForNow.

OP posts:
ceeveebee · 23/08/2012 11:59

Tango I don't understand your post of 10.55- when did I say anything about nazis?? Confused

Babyrabbits · 23/08/2012 12:01

There are always mums who didn't have enough milk, which is why wet nurses were used and lots of babies died.

I agree that a lot of people seem to say it, personally couldn't care less what other people do. Too much guilt around feeding Imho.

I agree with those that said its bloody hard to bf and support is poor and yes there is an easy way out.( the bottle)

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 12:04

I agree with those that said its bloody hard to bf and support is poor and yes there is an easy way out.( the bottle)

This is no better! Its not an easy way out for a LOT of people I assure you. If you don't care what other people do, and think people should feel guilty then PLEASE don't come out with comments like this!

BlackOutTheSun · 23/08/2012 12:06

Who really cares if a baby is bf or ff?

I ready don't understand it

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 12:10

I dont bloody know blackout I just remeber the first 4 weeks of having DS and feeling such terrible guilt. I remember googling about his intelligence and weight and illnesses and asking EVERYONE I met if they were bf to try and work out if I could tell.

Its a terrible way to be in and I doubt I would get like that again, but thats really why I wade on things like this.

I dont give a rats chuff how other people feed their babies as long as they dont make other people feel bad about what they are doing.

brettgirl2 · 23/08/2012 12:16

In your op jen when you blithely say that its about choice and the willingness to put effort in. How have you not commented about it? Thats what your first post was about.

Babyrabbits · 23/08/2012 12:16

Hey lady theirs nothing wrong with my comment!

There is an easy way out, it is a bottle. Theres nothing wrong with that. If your struggling to cope, emotionally or physically an easy way out can be a good thing.

You don't know that i didn't use a bottle do you? I didn't, i b fed, through stupid amounts of pain, bleeding nipples the works. I have friends who got mastitus, cysts and infections....you don't have these issues with bottles.

You need to be a bit less touchy.

MNHQ
KatMumsnet · 23/08/2012 12:21

Hi, we've moved this to Breast and Bottle Feeding. Thanks.

brettgirl2 · 23/08/2012 12:21

Bottle is the easy way out practically but not necessarily emotionally.

tethersend · 23/08/2012 12:21

Pickles was just pointing out that for many women, FF is not the easy way out but the more difficult option.

I found FF far easier than BF, but I know many women for whom the opposite was true.

BlackOutTheSun · 23/08/2012 12:23

I dont give a rats chuff how other people feed their babies as long as they dont make other people feel bad about what they are doing.

Couldn't agree more, just feed your baby. People who make comments or judge new mothers on feeding are shitters who should be ashamed of themselves.

sammyleh · 23/08/2012 12:27

After a breast feeding Nazi (midwife) tried, in so many words to tell me that I'd be a failure of a mother if I didn't BF, I've decided I'm not even going to try - that's my choice. I'm a very healthy person and wasn't BF, yet friends were BF and their immune systems are screwed and isn't that meant to be one of the biggest benefits of the boob? I'm with you BlackOut what should it matter to anyone else how you feed your baby, some women reach the point where they cant or don't want to BF any more, they shouldn't be criticized for it. Everyone has their reasons for the way they feed their baby and likewise, reasons for telling people why they chose to stop whether they're completely honest or bend the truth to ease their own guilt. I hated seeing friends crying and feeling like the worst mum in the world when they struggled to BF their babies and felt like the bond wasn't there so my DP and I decided that when our baby is born in October, we'll both be formula feeding her and wont be feeling bad about it in the slightest :)

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 12:28

Thanks tethers thats what I meant.

If you only ever breast fed baby you dont actually know if it would have been an easy way out.

You dont know the story of anyone who bottle fed either and what medical issues they may have had. Which is why I objected.

If I called breastfeeding easy, which I wouldnt, my arse would be toast.

Tangointhenight · 23/08/2012 12:28

ceeveebee gawd I'm so sorry that wasn't aimed that you (major head slap)!!!!!

icravecheese · 23/08/2012 12:29

Internet forums exist so that people can rant - have arguments & heated debates with faceless / anonymous users that they wouldnt dare have in a face to face situation.

if you don't like hearing what other anonymous people have to say on a subject matter, then I guess the answer is to either join in on the rant (everyone is entitled to their opinion) or close this web page and don't get involved!

nickelcognito · 23/08/2012 12:36

I don't see the problem with stating the 1% of women.

that one in every hundred.

it's a small amount, but it's not unfeasible.

so, if this thread has 5 women who couldn't and didn't have enough milk, then you only need 495 women who did have enough milk (whether they chose to or didn't)

it's not a small proportion to know people IRL who had the problem.

but when it's every 3rd person then you know it's a lie.
and most of those lies are borne because the woman feels guilty because they had shit advice or no help.

most women who do not BF have problems that are not "i didn't have enough milk"
Most of those problems can be categorized by problems we know and talk about :
tongue-tie (hence trying to get it diagnosed within 4 days of birth)
well-meaning interfering family members
not understanding what colostrum is/does
bad latch
lack of support in the early days
bad advice
C-section where the hormones haven't been triggered
baby in SCBU where mum didn't get enough help expressing and then establishing BFing when the baby was strong enough

Most people I know who FFd because they wanted to have said it's because they wanted to.

brettgirl2 · 23/08/2012 12:38

Broadly I agree cheese but if I started on chilbirth posting toxic shite about how people who had ventouse werent pushing right or on infertility about how they should all relax and have more sex then I would fully expect someone to point out I was an badly informed arse.

Breastfeeding is somehow different and it is fine to just tell those with low supply they werent trying hard enough and that its just an excuse. It makes me very angry.

sweetkitty · 23/08/2012 12:41

Totally agree OP the number of women who have said to me when they have seen me BFing or talked abut it

"my milk never came in
"I never had enough milk"
"I didn't make milk"
"he/she was a big baby"
"he/she was crying and starving so I was told to give a bottle"

boobytrapped is a great word for it, breast feeding is doomed for a lot of women from the off, a lot of it is family pressure and even if the woman wants to BF, partners and family are often desperate to give a bottle

Brizzmus · 23/08/2012 12:41

From all the posts, it seems to me that a major problem on any feeding advice is the one-size-fits-all approach of many midwives, breastfeedinglondon counsellors etc. I found this, even down to how I was supposed to hold DS's head during bfing - he likes my hand on the back of his head rather than the approved fingers behind the ears (I had midwives come and take his head from me, only to be astonished when he made his displeasure extremely apparent). Also, the whole milk supply thing is so individual. I had an emcs, a major health scare just before the birth, prem baby, medication known to affect milk supply... And my milk has just "come in" properly at 5 weeks resulting in exclusive bf for a grand total of 3 days so far. If I hadn't had a 3lb 4oz baby there is no way I could have kept up with his needs. If all that had happened with a heavier baby, I would have had no choice but to give up.
My desperate desire to bf is a lot to do with a feeling that I want to make up for the two months of pregnancy that my DS missed out on, rather than, I'm afraid, because I think it's "best" in any way. I am also just too lazy to do bottles!!
Having said all that, if someone can reassure me that I won't be spending the next 6 months feeding every two hours at night, I would be pathetically grateful...

icravecheese · 23/08/2012 12:42

point taken brettgirl, it just makes me sad that BF is such an emotive subject....

nickelcognito · 23/08/2012 12:44

anyway, those of you who didn't have enough milk - the actual problem, not the excuse, don't you even think that if all those women who used that as an excuse rather than it being true didn't use it, that you wouldn't feel that people didn't believe you because they thought you were making it up?

rather like the boy who cried wolf?

nickelcognito · 23/08/2012 12:45

cheese - it's emotive because it's about food, which is the very stuff of life.
It's the most important thing because without food we couldn't survive.

Original poster
jenbird · 23/08/2012 12:45

Brettgirl2 - As you rightly stated I said it was about choice and in THIS case it was (I am not saying that everyone has that choice either). I said nothing to do with it being about willingness to put effort in. I said I put effort in and I felt her "flippant comments" undermined my effort (rightly or wrongly). I never once stated that being able to BF is about putting effort in.

FWIW I think bottle feeding must be far harder than breastfeeding when you get going. I have milk on tap and do not even have to get out of bed to feed.

I completely agree with Pickles
I dont give a rats chuff how other people feed their babies as long as they dont make other people feel bad about what they are doing.
My OP in an inarticulate way was actually just about this; the fact that I feel defensive about BFing because of comments made by my friend.
(I also appreciate that these feelings are not necessarily rational).

OP posts:
PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 12:46

I feel sorry for someone feeling so under pressure they feel they have to make an excuse not to be judged nickel.

And even if they are not lying they have been misinformed by health staff.

Either way its not good.

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