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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Breastfeeding - a contentious rant!

432 replies

jenbird · 22/08/2012 23:51

I may get flamed for this post but here goes:

I am very pro choice when it comes to breastfeeding. I have breastfed all 3 of my babies and I plan on doing the same with this one. However I would never say just because that is my choice it is right for everyone. I understand that different people have different needs and that actually although nutritionally BF may be best if it is making the mother incredibly anxious or miserable then I believe it is not necessarily the best thing for that mother or baby.
What I do hate though is people who say "I just didn't have enough milk" when actually what they mean is "I tried breastfeeding for 2 days, I didn't like it, it didn't work for me and I have decided to bottle feed".
This has happened very recently in my life. A very good friend said she couldn't feed her baby as she didn't have any milk. The reality was that the baby was unsettled a lot and she wasn't sure what to do. Her mother said she "needed" a bottle so she went with that. Her baby is sleeping pretty well at night now and all is fine.
Breastfeeding your first can be really hard work. It hurts, it comes with a huge uncertainty and you seem to spend an inordinate amount of your time feeding but it does have it's rewards too and once you get going it is far easier.
I just hate those flippant comments about not having any milk when actually it is just about choice. Don't devalue the effort I put in just because you didn't want to go down that path.

I obviously can't say this to my friend in RL so I bite my tongue.

Rant over. Hope I don't offend anyone. If I do blame it on crazy lady hormones!

OP posts:
Babyrabbits · 23/08/2012 12:47

Go back and read my post..it said that for those who are struggling its an easy way out.
I know many formula feeders and it is practically much easier than bfeeding. ( actually bfeeding is easy when you get into the swing of it)

Your overly touchy because you had issues over feeding and your guilt. I'm not touchy i did what was right for me, i honestly don't care what other people do or did. You should work through your feeling and let go of your guilt. You clearly have a lot of baggage on this subject.

If a baby is feeding poorly or mum is unhappy then mum should not feel any guilt over giving a bottle. That was my original post.

nickelcognito · 23/08/2012 12:48

Brizzmus
"Having said all that, if someone can reassure me that I won't be spending the next 6 months feeding every two hours at night, I would be pathetically grateful... "

sorry :(
my DD is 8 months old, was 16 days late, has had no problems or issues and still feeds every 2-3 hours at night.
we co-sleep, but yours was a preemie, so I can't give you that suggestion as help :(
but you can get "co-sleeping cots" where the cot joins the side of your bed so the baby is close enough to feed and cuddle without you having to get up each time.

LST · 23/08/2012 12:49

I found ff waaay easier than bf. IME.

nickelcognito · 23/08/2012 12:49

exactly, Pickles - it shouldn't be like that.

a large portion of women are being failed by the NHS.

BlackOutTheSun · 23/08/2012 12:50

But how were your friends comment flippant? I don't understand why you feel defensive about bf?

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 12:52

Not really baby I have no baggage but I am just trying to explain on here to those that might not understand the thought process you can go through and the guilt you feel at the time, as a new mother which is why I comment on threads like this.

When I look back I cant believe the things I was doing to be honest when I was ill, driven by irrational guilt (and probably lack of bloody sleep)

I also often find myself defending breastfeeding mothers in rl and on here just as much.

I see that we essentially have the same point of view in any event so I apologise for speaking too quickly to you, I've just seen similar comments in the past that haven't been meant so well.

dev9aug · 23/08/2012 12:53

Sod off OP and that's me being very polite. I am really hard trying not to swear at you for this. My dw gave birth to a beautiful boy premature and she really believed that breast milk was best for our boy. DS was extremely premature so couldn't bf as in an incubator ventilated.

She expressed every two hours for 2 months solid and the last 3 weeks really painfully with an industrial size pump. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to sit there for 30 mins at a time and just come away with 10ml of milk, don't think you do. so once again, Piss off just piss off. I am so glad that she doesn't have friends like you.

WednesdayNext · 23/08/2012 12:54

How does it devalue what you achieved in bf-ing? They aren't linked. I'm sure many people say they didn't have enough milk when they might well have had plenty but didn't want to continue. Maybe people say it because of guilt, maybe they believed it when it wasn't true, maybe it's a cover-up so they don't have to tell you what they went through before giving up and ff-ing. For my part, I desperately wanted to bf my son. My delivery went horrifically wrong and my DS ended up in SCBU before I could even see him. He was to ill to be brought to me and I was too ill to go to him until he was almost a week old, apart from the occasional cuddle for 10 mins here and there whilst they were changing his cot. I pumped colostrum for him. He was fed it through a nasal tube. I desperately tried to express my milk when it came in, but it would take me between 1 and 2 hours to pump 1oz of breast milk, which was only a third of what he was having every 3 hours. He would not latch on. He wouldn't even take a bottle. My milk supply never increased even if I used the pump continuously. It dwindled over the course of 2 weeks until an hours pumping milk would barely coat the bottom of a bottle. It turns out I didn't produce the milk I needed for my son, because my body was too busy recovering and trying to replace the 3 litres of blood I lost in labour. I had no support from professionals, many times I didn't get to see my son because they were too busy to take me to special care. My son had a tongue-tie (albeit a minor one) and a Grade 1 HIE, we had major bonding issues, some of the medication I was given would have affected my supply, his medication would have made him drowsy and less likely to latch, I was bullied by feeding experts, who I have been told by consultants would have harmed our chances of successful bf-ing. I could chose to give any of these reasons as why I gave up bf-ing, but I tell people I didn't have enough milk because it's easier than explaining the truth. I haven't told anyone other than my mother and my husband the full extent of my reasons for "taking the easy option" because talking about it hurts me too much. You don't know what other people have gone through before giving up bf-ing, whether they've chosen to give it up or had to. It doesn't devalue your efforts if people say they didn't have enough milk, but you making the judgement that they probably gave up because it was too hard / not what they expected may well devalue their efforts.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 12:55

nickel the support I had in the hospital was beyond dreadful at first, and I was in hositpal for a long time which was a shame.

My action plan for next DC due in feb is to get OUT of hospital ASAP to get some help.

LST I am a lazy bitch who hates washing and sterilising bottles. I see SMA do disposables now and I'm in there if I need to ff again.

Craftyone · 23/08/2012 12:56

I'm sick of bf mums being judgemental on all mothers who don?t bf. Sometimes there are valid reasons that they don't want to go into with YOU. Babies are regularly weighed and if they are not putting on weight then there is a PROBLEM! You may have no choice but to give them formula and you are made to feel like a failure by bf mums because you do. I had to give my baby formula at a young age due to medical advice and you can constantly feel the ?she can?t be bothered to bf? looks.

dev9aug · 23/08/2012 12:56

Yy wednesday what she said. I am hiding this now.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 12:58

"I haven't told anyone other than my mother and my husband the full extent of my reasons for "taking the easy option" because talking about it hurts me too much."

This is common I think Wednesday I didn't tell people as it was a long story involving my actual vagina. If a stranger asked me I would probably mention the no latch which was the first problem vaguely and so they probably thought the same of me.

brettgirl2 · 23/08/2012 12:58

Nickel possibly.

In truth though it isnt a reason to give up and ff exclusively anyway is it? My reason for giving up is that I hated mixed feeding.

I think we should all be careful of flippant comments jen Wink.

I also dont care how other people feed their babies. I did care how I fed mine though which is the 'emotive' side for me.

brettgirl2 · 23/08/2012 13:00

Crafty I've only ever felt judged on mumsnet......

BlackOutTheSun · 23/08/2012 13:00

But why does a woman need a reason to stop bf?

nickelcognito · 23/08/2012 13:02

exactly , Blackout - she doesn't.
but she seems to keep "needing" to give one.

steben · 23/08/2012 13:04

Fair enough OP I think that you are of course entitled to your feelings and I am glad this has been moved. I think you didnt mean to make it sound as though all those that give up are just lazy but it has caused a backlash precisely because that is how a lot of FF mothers are made to feel when that is not the case. And even if it is too hard for some - that should be no less of a reason, it is no-ones business as long as mother and child are healthy and happy.

I am at the same stage on pregnancy as you so feel your pain on the hormonal rant front.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 13:04

Its one of those questions you get asked at first isnt it, if your bottle or breast feeding.

A random came up to me in tescos and asked!

BlackOutTheSun · 23/08/2012 13:05

I'm guessing that its because they feel guitly and need to justify it.

Wouldn't it just be better if woman were able to say 'I've stopped'.

BlackOutTheSun · 23/08/2012 13:07

Pressed too soon

Or able to say, I'm ff from the start, without being told 'oh why don't you bf' or being told they are selfish.

nickelcognito · 23/08/2012 13:07

that's why it's so horrible, wednesday - you should be able to say "we had problems at the beginning" without people thinking it meant "the hcps were crap and wouldn't help and i couldn't be arsed".
boy/wolf again.

yours is a very sad story, but you did the best for your baby, and you shouldn't have felt forced into trying to bf him when your body needed to recover from its own trauma.

nickelcognito · 23/08/2012 13:09

brett - sometimes mixed feeding is harder.

brettgirl2 · 23/08/2012 13:10

If you wanted to breastfeed though there has to be a reason for a mindchange?

BlackOutTheSun · 23/08/2012 13:12

But Wednesday shouldn't have to give a reason why, its nothing to do with anyone else.

JollyHockeyStick · 23/08/2012 13:12

I actually get a little upset at folk who do big puppy dog eyes and desperately want sympathy because they chose to give up BF.

"Oh, it was so hard for me, it's alright for you". Actually we've been through the full list of possible BF problems, except undersupply and we are still feeding. It was very very important to me to continue to breastfeed. I prioritised BF over lots of other things. I chose to BF and chose to continue to BF despite having lots of issues.

If someone would like sympathy because they chose to stop feeding because it was too time consuming, the baby wasn't sleeping, they had a cracked nipple, then I don't have any desire to spend hours consoling them so that they can justify their decision.

If they decide to stop but don't want sympathy then that's fine by me. Even if they decide not to BF at all and to FF from the start I'm not going to complain about their decision.

But someone suggesting that they have stopped because they found it more difficult than I did is ridiculous. They have no idea what I went through with DS and can't know that their situation was harder than mine.