Husband/Partner's opinion on feeding baby

[WhatTheHellJustHappened]

Did anyone face opposition from their SO regarding formula feeding?

I will most likely formula feed. Most babies in my family are formula fed. I'm aware of the benefits of bf but I just don't think it's the end of the world to ff.

My husband is constantly arguing with me over this decision because he wants me to breastfeed the baby. Anyone else faced a similar problem? What did you do about it?

Let's not turn this into a thread where I get lectured about the benefits of bf because I'm well aware of them, but I just don't think it's the right choice for me.

Larry
I am not suggesting "he should lactate" or whatever and certainly am not trying to be aggressive. It's just that the compromise in this case is that it's all on the OP's shoulders, in other words, she will be doing the "doing" and what will he be doing? Nothing, just the "saying". It's hardly a compromise when all the action are in one court. God, I am not clear, am I? But can you see a bit what I mean?

What interests me is that you have such totally opposing views on quite a significant subject - do you have to seriously compromise on other areas in your life together?

Also, how did you get your consultant to agree to a caesarian ? - good luck whatever happens .

DialM,

I do see the argument, but there are all sorts of compromises that he may well be prepared to make in return. He may be prepared to look after the baby between feeds. He may be happy to cook for and generally look after his wife so all she needs to do is feed and sleep. There is a lot of discussion that can go on around the feeding itself.

Not breastfeeding is nothing like putting a baby on its front to sleep. It's not dangerous to formula feed ffs! I was formula fed myself.

All she needs to do is feed and sleep How long do you expect the DH to take on paternity leave then? She might not want to be reduced to this either. I'd hate it.
The trouble is, what he want affects HER body and the bottom line is that she has to have the last word.

Tallhot,

Well guess what, I and 99% of my generation were put down on our fronts to sleep. We are all fine today (except for the tiny percentage who died from SIDS). Equally, most formula fed babies are fine but some are damaged or die from bronchiolitis and other diseases where breast feeding is protective. They are both very small risks, so I think fair to compare them (though have not dredged throught the literature to actually look at the exact stats).

DialM,

No one is disputing she has the last word. It is a physical fact, in any event.

I wish all I had to do is eat and sleep!!

I think that demonstrates my earlier point about the perfect visions of parenthood we all have perfectly

larry

Since I can have my tubes tied during a Caesarian, it's very unlikely that I'll request him to get a vasectomy. Even if I did, he's at liberty to refuse.

I'm curious as to what compromises you think he has to make with his body?

He hasn't so far volunteered any of things you've suggested. Unless he gets a long paternity leave as well, I don't see how he would even be around to do all the housework while I "just feed the baby and sleep".

Ragwort

I'm going privately maybe that's why I managed to get consultant to agree? It's bloody expensive though :( May I just add that it is me and not DH who is paying for it? Anyway, let's not go there.

WhattheHell,

The "just feeding and sleeping" was an example of the discussion that might go on. Others would be about night waking etc.

You are at liberty to refuse any request made by him too. It is the fact that a woman can (in my view, reasonably) request a man to have a vasectomy that means that both sexes can be asked to compromise with their bodies.

Ultimately it is 100% up to you what you do with your body but you have to accept that where, in your husband's opinion, it affects the wellbeing of his (as well as your) child, he may not be happy with the choices you make. He cannot make you do anything but nor can you make him supportive of the choices that you make.

Sounds like you have serious issues surrounding natural birthing and breastfeeding, maybe some issues from your past? People saying get over it and try a natural birth or BF, in this care won't be helping matters at all. Doesn't your DH understand these issues? Does he not empathise with you on this?

I@ve had 2 c-sections, first an emergency one and then a planned. Loved the planned one. You will be fine. Natural birth is overrated anyway

However, I if there were no issues that is making you see BFing as a violation, then I totally get why your DH is not happy about you not even giving it a go. It is his baby too and he also wants what is best for baby, and that is to be breastfed.
If it helps, I found it totally stressfree to breastfeed, no stress at all, and we are still going strong 20 months on!!

I think you are being unreasonable. At the risk of sounding unsupportive of course.

Your DH wants the best for his baby which is what he should want. Without knowing your reasons for making your choices, I cannot comment further.

larry

A vasectomy isn't even a drop in the bucket when you compare it to the compromises women make with their bodies which include 37-42 weeks of pregnancy, childbirth (natural or otherwise), and breastfeeding. Prior to permanent sterilisation the chunk of birth control responsibilities falls on the women. We deal with pills, patches, shots and rings which have all kinds of side effects. I had an IUD prior to getting preggers and that wasn't a party either.
So let's not get started on who compromises more with their bodies.

WhatTheHell,

I don't want to get into a silly argument with you. I don't think pregnancy is compromising, unless you have had a child merely for your husband. You get pregnant because you want a child, hopefully. And, I don't think I ever claimed supremacy in body compromise, merely that compromising with one's body was not unheard of or unreasonable.

I have merely stated my own perspective and wish you both the best of luck with your new family, whatever you both decide.

Of course it is your body so you can do what you want.

But YABVU to simply expect your Dh to shut up and suck it up when you are making a choice that is an inferior one.

larry

I could argue that if you have made the choice not to have any more children then a vasectomy is not really compromising either is it?
Irrespective of whether someone wants a baby or not, the process of pregnancy and childbirth involves huge sacrifices and compromises. I find it strange that you would deny something so obvious.
Perhaps you really do need to go through it personally to know what it involves.

Youattheback - should OP then force herself to do something she doesnt want to do? If so isnt that a dangerous line of thinking?

Youattheback

I haven't asked DH to shut up and suck it up. Not sure why you think I have?

The think is, I really don't know how you can be sure that you don't want to bf unless you have tried.

OP Ive just realised I havent actually answered your original question.

I would actually arrange to have a proper heart to heart with him. Explain that you understand his preference, but it is you who will have to do the actual bfing and tell him your reasons for not wanting to bf. Assure him you have given it some thought and its not something you have decided on a whim. Maybe even say that when the baby is here you may feel differently (whether you think you will or not, I believe little white lies are fine if it smoothes things over for the time being, until the baby is here and he hopefully realises that there are more important things to worry about).

TBH, and this may sound extreme, but if I was you, and after a talk my DP still wasnt up for considering how I felt (about my own body, FFS) then I would think about the relationship as a whole, because I would worry that its a slippery slope towards being controlled in other ways. Or to put it another way, if my H wanted control over my body Id kick him in the gonads, both verbally and physically

Seeker - Ive never tried anal sex but I am sure I dont want to.

Ive never tried olives and I never will

etc

Some people can just not want to try things if they dont fancy it. They shouldnt be guilt tripped into it either.

seeker

I've seen plenty of women doing it and I'm aware of the pros and cons of bf. It's just not something I think I can sustain. To mention some of the very silly reasons- I have to be back at work by six months PP, I don't ever see myself feeding in public ( it's a cultural issue ) and I can't exactly be housebound till the baby is weaned. There are many other reasons why I don't think it will work for me.

you do not have to explain OP. You might change your mind, you may not. no-one really cares as long as you are a bloody good mother to that baby

and fwiw I dont like to bf in public, mainly because DS likes to pull away and give everyone a right eyeful. It can be a bit restricting if I do want to go out anywhere but luckily I like being a bit of a hermit and staying in, especially if its pissing down like today.