Husband/Partner's opinion on feeding baby

[WhatTheHellJustHappened]

Did anyone face opposition from their SO regarding formula feeding?

I will most likely formula feed. Most babies in my family are formula fed. I'm aware of the benefits of bf but I just don't think it's the end of the world to ff.

My husband is constantly arguing with me over this decision because he wants me to breastfeed the baby. Anyone else faced a similar problem? What did you do about it?

Let's not turn this into a thread where I get lectured about the benefits of bf because I'm well aware of them, but I just don't think it's the right choice for me.

Don't let him bully you into it (or any of the breast-is-best brigade on here for that matter). There are plenty of formula fed babies out there who aren't dribbling idiots just because they didn't get milk from the breast. Obviously I am biased - I was formula fed and I formula feed my baby. I also had an emergency c-section and looked and felt a whole lot better than some of the 'natural birth' ladies who will have a phobia of salad tongs for years to come.

When your dear old hubby can actually become pregnant himself, go through natural childbirth and then take up 24/7 feeding for at least 6 months then he can have the right to be 'disappointed' in you. The OP has discussed the matter with him and he has expressed his opinion as he is entitled to do. He is not entitled however to keep banging on about it in the hope that the little wifey will cave in.

It sounds like you need to take the heat out of this argument. You haven't even had the baby yet! (how far along are you?) Why not say to your DH "until the baby arrives I don't want to make a final decision. I would like to have bottles and kit ready so we are prepared. Once the baby is here I may consider trying bf but given that neither you or I have had a baby before, and given that neither you or I have ever bf a baby before I make no guarantees."

Then do not discuss this again. it is very easy to get involved in lots of what-if scenarios about this preference and that, and to be very certain of what one thinks and believes and wants. Then the baby arrives and all you and your dh will care about is that your baby is well and happy, and that YOU are well and happy, and he may then be able to put everything into perspective when he "gets" just what having a newborn entails, particularly on the mother's part.

He may also be under the impression that bf is "easy" when in fact getting it established can be very hard and painful work, and if your emotions towards it aren't positive you may find that it is even more painful (physically, emotionally and mentally possibly).

For the record, I bf exclusively but was surprised at how painful it was in the early days. I had to grit my teeth to stay with it, and I really wanted to bf. Had I been remotely ambivalent it would have been incredibly difficult to have found the mental strength to perservere.

Whatthe,

If you don't think it is a safety issue, look up bronchiolitis and the risk factors. It is a serious and common disease in young babies, being one of the biggest reason neonates end up in PICUs. One of the biggest protective factors is breast feeding.

I totally get what you are saying re mode of delivery. I really don't think that matters and it really is you and not your husband who has to deliver the baby.

I guess it depends what you really believe about feeding. It is a difficult issue and depending on which studies you read, it makes almost no difference or a lot of very important ones. I have never, on the other hand, read a study saying formula feeding is advantageous to a baby. I only read your OP and not all your follow up posts. Why do you not want to BF? Could you not give it a go for a short while? Even a few weeks will confer an awful lot of the advantages on the baby. As I said, my wife did not want to commit to it but came to like it over time and now proseltyzes over it.

It sounds as if your husband is very committed (and maybe slightly neurotic, as I was) over his impending fatherhood. Maybe you should at least take him seriously and try to understand where he is coming from and find some form of compromise. And, if you really can't/don't want to, at least acknowledge his feelings are probably coming from a good place and deal with it on that basis.

Some mners can be so inflammatory, I know its a sensitive issue but some posts from both sides are so judgemental, even insulting, its no wonder people like op might feel protective of their choices.

If we want women to feel empowered to choose use their breasts, based on accurate information about benefits and risks, to feed their babies these kind of discussions frankly are unhelpful. If op chooses not to she doesn't need berating

I tried BF for 2 weeks, it IS harder than FF physically, it's v.draining...FF you make up, shove in the fridge & warm up when needed.

HOWEVER my DS has fought FF the entire time; he hated the first teats, so we had to swap teats, then he hated the FF so we had to swap formula, then he hated the bottles/teats so we had to buy new ones, now we've had to go up to another teat size (he's only 4mnths, he's on the 6+ teat size), we're weaning from 4months as he's been on hungry baby formula since 3weeks old.
That's before you get started on reflux, trying to find Gripe Water in the shops (the main brand no longer produce, Boots run out of stock the same hour they get it in around here).

I wish I could've BF longer, even though it was draining, because it is a damn sight easier in the long run than constantly wondering 'Why the heck aren't you happy?!?'
However sharing the feeding with dh makes life easier!

TBH, you'll be producing colstrum/milk anyhoo so you should give it a go just once or twice (I stopped bf 3 & half mnth ago, I can still squeeze a bit out!).

I take it you know most hospitals don't support FF so you'll be responsible for the cold water sterlising, making up feeds etc? Which will be v.hard when you've got to feed every 2 hours & can't leave the bed due to the pain.
Where I gave birth, if you planned BF & couldn't get a latch the MW would FF DC from a cup for you.

I know you're set out for a CS, but if the baby comes early/quickly and is a Vaginal birth are you happy for that to happen?
I planned a home birth but because DS had stopped moving I was induced with all the drugs, it took me a few weeks to get over not having the birth I thought was best.

Good luck OP!!

larry

I agree, there are no studies saying that ff is better than bf. However, I haven't really got the impression that it is a horrible thing which results in unhealthy babies. ;) Literally all of my family was formula fed.

I've agreed to pump colostrum to give to the baby because it's a shame not to. But I don't really think there is al, that much of a point in me trying bf because I'm certain I can't sustain it.

I am taking him very seriously but I don't think he's taking me very seriously at all! I'm not upset with him because I know he is just concerned but I am getting a bit exhausted with his complete refusal to respect my decisions.

agree Miss, its unnecessary. If OP has looked into the pros and cons of both methods of feeding and made her decision its totally unnecessary for all the questions and probing.

FWIW DS1 who was ff has had hardly any health issues. DS2 otoh has had bronchiolitis, numerous chest/ear infections, dry skin, and more viruses than I can count on one hand. I realise that on the whole bf has its health benefits but its not always the case that its a miracle liquid that protects from illnesses and I think sometimes discussions about its benefits can be misleading. I believed the hype and it has been very disheartening at times when DS2 has been very poorly.

Awomancalkedhorse

You bring up a good point. If I go into labour early, I will still have a Caesarian. I've made this very clear with my consultant and he has agreed. Unlikely for her to pop out within an hour or something since this my first baby:) Of course this means I'll have to be very aware of each twinge so that I don't just miss the fact that I'm in labour!

For the hospital I'm taking along disposable bottles and the ready made formula (not the powdered stuff) because I then I can make a bottle without leaving the bed. Does that sound impractical?

I am skipping most of this thread and going straight to the nub of it.

If you do ANYTHING because you feel pressured into it by your DH, then you will inevitably resent him for it at some point or another. Breastfeeding is bloody hard work and exhausting enough without opening the door to brooding resentment towards your supposed strongest ally.

To put this in context, I tried to BF my DS but it didn't work for various reasons and we ended up fully FF. Throughout the process my DH was concerned for my welfare and that of DS, but agreed that 'FF+healthy baby+calmer mum' trumped 'BF+screaming baby who hated BF+mum at the end of her tether who was at high risk of PND anyway'.

I really hope this helps OP. To quote a medical student friend of mine, I wish you an uneventful birth :)

oh OP wrt to the point a pp raised about making up ff in hospital, you can buy cartons ready made which are perfect for that and night feeds.

x posts OP. That doesnt sound impractical at all.

Ooh just saw last post by OP...

My (greedy guzzler) newborn DS was hoovering down 30-40ml formula at a time, which is fine if you have a fridge in which to store the rest of the pre-made formula in its carton but can otherwise be difficult.

We used SMA which comes in 250ml quantities, so if we'd followed your method at hospital we'd have wasted more than 80% of each carton - and they are relatively expensive!!

In my hospital they did provide premade formula in bottles (total volume 100ml), which was more convenient for us and also less wasteful. I'd be surprised if your local hospital doesn't do something similar, so take in a few bottles/cartons in case but you may not need them.

WhattheHell,

Would you be prepared to compromise at all (and, would your husband)?

For example, you 100% control the delivery and it is not discussed again but, in return, you agree to try to BF for, say, 6 weeks. At the end of the 6 week period, if it is not happening, you revert to formula and it is never mentioned again.

I just think that if you can both get to a place where you are comfortable, you will be a better team for one another and your new baby.

But Larry the OP, the body giving birth and having to feed the baby, shouldnt have to 'bargain' with her own H about the method of delivery surely?

Or perhaps she could. OP you 100& control the delivery and get your H some info on how to lactate, does that sound good Larry?

100% rather, dont know where the random ampersand came from

Compromise about your body? What would the DH do?
No, I don't see it Larry

it surprpises me sometimes mumsnet. If a woman posted that her H was guilt tripping her into doing something with her body she didnt want to (like have an abortion for eg) I think most would agree that its her body, her choice. Yet move the issue a few inches up the body and stick a nipple on it and everyone thinks they have a right to an opinion.

WhatTheHell, when I came out of my 15hour labour there was a woman in the bed opposite who had just gone through her first, 17min labour (didn't make it up to the ward) & couldn't understand what all the fuss was about

Sounds good! Although I'd check if your ward has a fridge avalible for you to store it in or like Herrena says you'll be throwing out most of a carton.

hairylemon

Giggling at your last post Very true!

Larry

I agree with DailMforMommy. This shouldn't really be a bargain.

AWomanCalledHorse

Lucky lady! Well, I certainly won't be complaining about an experience like that

I'm just going by the general trend that first labours are usually longer and that I will have some warning ( waters bursting, some contractions etc.) before I go into active labour. In that event, I will get to hospital asap and they will do an immediate caesarian. Of course if baby comes out on her own within an hour or something then I will have little control over it.

I would argue that, as his child, he has a right to express an opinion on how he would like his child to be fed

I cannot see that anyone would be campaigning for the dad to have a say if OP wanted to BF and dad wanted FF.

OP, the discussion over feeding is an important one. It is his baby so naturally he wants what is best for it. He cannot force you to BF so in the end the decision will be yours. But you should have a clear argument ready for why you want to FF so that he understands your reasons.

Has he actually articulated his reasons for wanting you to BF? I have known men who were keen for their partners to BF so they did not have to do night feeds!

Whatever you decide to do, please talk about it so you are both happy with the plan before DC arrives. You will not need any more stress! Good luck.

DialM and Hairy

I don't understand the aggression and the supercilious comment of "why doesn't he lactate"?

WhatThe,

We all make many compromises in life, including with our bodies. Would you expect your husband to have a vasectomy at some point in his life? That is also a compromise with his body.

Ultimately this thread is about three people, all of who will soon be sharing a house and what is best for all three of them. You cannot entirely ignore the opinion of one member of the family and not expect some resentment.

It's not a joint decision though is it? I agree that your birth and feeding choices are ultimately your decision as it is your body, not your DH's. Have you said that to him?

You might just have to do what you feel is best for you and he'll have to lump it.

It is your body, and of course you get the final choice.

However, I do feel for your h - if my situation had been reversed and my dh had been able to choose how to feed dd, I would have been gutted at her bring ff. I accept that formula is useful, and sometimes lifesaving, but it's not almost the same as bm.

No aggression from me Larry, sorry you saw it that way, just sad surprise that you feel it is acceptable for a woman to have to 'bargain' with her own H over what she does with her own body.

And a man lactating is not a supercillious comment at all, I genuinely mean it. If he wants the baby to be BF then he can try and lactate. There is lots of information on how men can try this.