Husband/Partner's opinion on feeding baby

[WhatTheHellJustHappened]

Did anyone face opposition from their SO regarding formula feeding?

I will most likely formula feed. Most babies in my family are formula fed. I'm aware of the benefits of bf but I just don't think it's the end of the world to ff.

My husband is constantly arguing with me over this decision because he wants me to breastfeed the baby. Anyone else faced a similar problem? What did you do about it?

Let's not turn this into a thread where I get lectured about the benefits of bf because I'm well aware of them, but I just don't think it's the right choice for me.

If you are really concerned about the midwives, plan your speech beforehand.

"I have decided to ff. I'm aware of all the information about the benefits of breast feeding. This is the best decision for me, thank you".

One midwife said she legally had to tell me again. I said that's fine but I don't have to legally listen.

To your husband: having a baby is a huge life changing event, your body and mind has been through enough, the best way he can support you and your mental health at this time is to support your choice or it will be a very unpleasant experience and will cloud this special time and create tension between you.

sleeplessinsuburbia the fact remains that it is better also not everyone gets stressed because they are bf.

Op you've used tge exact words I always do, ff is not poison, but bf is Michelin 5 star

I didn't argue that and I didn't say everyone gets stressed bf.

She doesn't want to bf and she wants support. I'm offering her support. Unconditionally.

sleeplessinsuburbia

Thanks for the support:) :) I really do appreciate it.

I'm sure that somewhere he feels left out, because his and my perspective on pregnancy and birth is vastly different. We aren't planning on a big family, and I had decided rather early on in my life that given my family and personal history I'd have a ceasarian. I refuse to change my mind over this. He views it as unnecessary and thinks it is only for life threatening scenarios. I've shown him numerous stats on planned ceasarians which indicate its perfectly safe (if not safer) for baby after 39 weeks and the risks to me are only slightly greater. But he wants me to give birth naturally and breastfeed.

I feel bad for him, but I dont want to do something i will certainly dislike just to appease him.

I don't think acknowledging the facts is being unsupportive, it's being realistic. The op is looking for support in getting her dh to accecpt her decision, I think my advice of talking to him about her feelings is a bit more supportive than saying your dh will soon have other things to think about

My comment about being stressed was due to you saying how amazed everyone was. The implication was because you were not bf you were not stressed.

I had cesareans too (I desperately wanted one but wasn't allowed and needed an emergency one in the end).

I'm having another one soon (4th) and I can promise you how the baby arrived and how you feed it will not be an issue the second it's born!

Does your husband understand how important this is to you? I was lucky because my dr told my husband that bf is not best for a baby if it affects the mothers ability to parent effectively/ to her best ability. I know from experience many people (including in this thread) don't fully understand the mental hurdles some people have to birth/ feeding.

If you are pressured into bf you could feel resentment towards your baby and your husband for making you feel bad, taking away from your experience.

You have agreed to pump colostrum, that's a good compromise and probably a big deal to you. I'm actually surprised your husband isn't more supportive.

I agree that it's your choice what to do. However, I don't think you should underestimate what a big deal this might be to him, and what a serious emotional blow it can feel like - I think you do need to work a bit harder to understand and explain your feelings to him, and not just expect him to accept your decision on your say so.

I understand that you don't think that formula feeding is a big deal, or the end of the world - but a lot of people do feel like that, and and their feelings, in relation to their own babies, are just as legitimate as yours. And despite you being the one who would do the breastfeeding, this is your husband's own baby he's talking about - of course it's a big deal for him.

I had to ff for a while due to supply issues, and it was the most upsetting thing for me that happened during DSs early babyhood, trumping even the week we had to spend in hospital with a mystery illness. I'm not suggesting that's logical, or realistic - but it did feel powerfully and viscerally alien and wrong to me to be doing it.

If your husband's feelings are anything like that he's going to find you bottle feeding very challenging indeed. It is a serious issue for a couple (just as the reverse situation would be) and you are going to have to work hard to find a way through.

If he wants a natural birth tell him to get pregnant.

As for BF, it's your choice.

It's worth knowing though, that all the good things about BF aren't dependent on you BF for 6 months - every feed counts. So feeding the colostrum to the baby, however you do it, is of huge benefit to your baby's immune system, and every milk feed - even if you only tried it for a couple of days - is a bonus.

If you don't want to try it, that's your choice, and if your DH is upset he better start lactating.

Sounds a bit like your DH is perhaps being a little PDB to me!

He obviously considers 'all things natural' (vaginal birth and breast feeding) as being the best, after all that's how mother nature intended it to be! However, once baby is here I can pretty much guarantee (and I'm sure mn will support me!) most of that goes out the window! Your lives are about o embark on the most life changing event you will ever come across, and 6months from now this argument will be a moo point!!

Also just wanted to add that bf isn't necessarily a '6month commitment' if a mother only manages 6 breast feeds or for 6days/6weeks before she switches to formula, she has still given her baby a good start!

My DH was a bit like that with regards to bf, but got over it pretty quickly.
Bf is a massive commitment and can be a strain (from what I observed) on the mother and to be fair, if you are not totally committed to bf, it might make you feel miserable.
Dh loved feeding DS1 and it was a great feeling for me to know that DH and I were interchangeable.
As for giving birth naturally, well, with all good intentions, sometimes even if you want to it does happen anyway. What difference does it make? I find this a bit weird.
Your DH sounds like he has good intentions but with that seems to put unnecessary pressure on you at a time when you certainly do not need it.

That involves discipline and a basic parenting strategy actually the same could be said about breastfeeding. It's hard at the beginning, requires perserverence when you really really can't bear to go on and then it's easy.

I'm strongly pro breast feeding and would encourage anyone to do it, but in your case, it sounds like you see it is a violation and it's not anyones's place to insist that you do it. You do know that men can breast feed? Discuss it with him- not because it might happen, but his reaction and the way the prospect of doing it makes him feel will will give him an insight into how you feel about it.

Perhaps to avoid the arguments, you could agree that you'll give bf a try, then when baby arrives you can have a go and give him/her some colostrum, but then say it hurts too much and you can't carry on (not unrealistic!). Your DH will hopefully then be more likely to be supportive and especially if you've had a cs, he'll be able to see the benefits of him being able to feed the baby.

A bit sneaky I know but better than it becoming a big issue between you.

My DH wanted me to bf (and I did too) but when I was a sobbing wreck after 36 hours of baby not latching properly and getting sore nipples, he was more than happy to go out and buy bottles and formula. (I did actually manage to get back to bfing but that's by the by)

I know this might be a bit of a crazy suggestion but ......why not simply give it a go? It's your first baby, you have never breastfed, you have no idea AT ALL what your hormones and instincts will be saying to you. And your DH wants his baby to have the perfect food rather than second best.

So, why not give it a go? You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain, baby has even more to gain!

It is your choice, I know that he wants to be involved, but it really is your body - as much as DP sympathised it really wasn't him that was pregnant for 9 months (feeling permanently off-colour at the beginning, then everything taking twice the normal effort at the end). It isn't him that's going to have to then eject the baby somehow with the associated discomfort (Ha!), and it isn't him that's going to have to BF every hour, then every few hours, 24 hours a day for weeks/months/years.

You get to choose. He can certainly have input but he really doesn't have the depth of understanding on this that you do because you have to experience it.

But she isn't even willing to try to experience it, isn't that the point? That he'd like her to simply try?

I can see why she's putting her foot down now. I wanted a home birth (didn't get one, but that's neither here nor there) so I put my foot down. Had I said that it was up for discussion then I know that that is all that would have talked about for the months coming up - by indicating that my opinion might be changed he would have decided that by continued discussion he would get his way.

If she's made her decision, and doesn't want to discuss it any more then that's it - continued weedling, and 'why don't you just try a little bit' will just make everything unpleasant for everyone.

If the OP does not want to try it then be it, why push her in something she clearly does not want to do? It's HER body, HER decision.
I was not keen to try, I gave it a half hearted attempt to make DH happy and ended up ffding as I wanted. Is it too much to ask to respect people's choices?

Not everyone struggles at first and then finds bf easy. I struggled for 4 months and the pain never got easier as a have a circulatory issues in my nipples, I did it though until baby went in nursing strike and I had to ff. she probably gave it up because every feed was traumatic and a struggle. I've told dh and mw I will not be bf with this baby; it is not up for discussion. Feeding is the most important way we bond with our children and I'm not compromising that again by being a mother who is on the edge and suffering. I am looking forward to feeding my baby with a warm smile on my lips not a grimace!

It's a difficult one because this is about something as fundamental as health in a newborn and it has lifelong implications.
I think sometimes people convince themselves that teh differences bewteen formula nad breastmilk are really not that great and it doesn't matter once they're 18 and it's all just as good etec etc but that's just not the case. Breastmilk is so superior that it's very difficult for some people to understand why anyone would activley choose to offer an inferior and artificial product to a precious newborn when they have the petrfect alternative right there.

And I'm guessing the OP's DH feels like this.

My DP was always much keener on BF our DD than I was. We were both BF and every other baby in our family, and all but one born to friend's were BF. In the end I had a long labour, an EMCS and a dozy baby who wouldn't latch on so I FF out of necessity.

I did express twice a day for three months though and this was a happy compromise for us.

"He obviously considers 'all things natural' (vaginal birth and breast feeding) as being the best, after all that's how mother nature intended it to be! However, once baby is here I can pretty much guarantee (and I'm sure mn will support me!) most of that goes out the window!"

An uncomplicated vaginal delivery and breastfeeding are best, for both mother and baby.

I'll never have a vaginal delivery, and I haven't found recovery from my CSs too bad, but no way was I as well as mothers who delivered vaginally.

I can't get my head around why someone with breasts full of healthy colostrum/milk and a tiny newborn wanting to latch on, pretty much its first instinct, would think "nah, not right for me", let the milk dry up painfully and give the baby treated cow's milk in a bottle.

Obviously it's your choice.

But it's a selfish choice, and a choice that is not made with your baby's best interests even in the picture, so I can see why your husband thinks it is a problem.

help yourself

How is him letting the children misbehave, giving them junk food and letting them watch telly all day the same as me giving the baby formula?! The comparison makes zero sense on all levels.

Read it again then

OP I am another one offering you unconditional support. You have said you dont want to BF and that is that. Your DH isnt being fair as its your body that would have to do the feeding, unless he plans on lactating sooon? While I believe he can have a preference on how hed like his baby to be fed, I dont believe he has the right at all to pressure you, the same with the method of childbirth (infact IMO he has even less of a say for the method of childbirth and it makes me very angry when men think their opinions on this should matter and make a difference, sorry!!)

I had the opposite problem, I knew I wanted to try BFing DS2 (it didnt work out with DS1) and being a bit of a breast man he thought he'd never look at my boobs in the same way again the child . Im still bfing DS2 now nearly 7 months on and from the start DP totally changed his mind when he saw that bfing made both me and DS happy. FF and BF have their own pros and cons, FFing was very easy with DS1 and no hassle at all and this time bfing has come very easy.

Hopefully when the baby comes he will see that the method of feeding doesnt matter one tiny little bit in the grand scheme of things. You do whatever makes you happy (and in turn this will make the baby happy, babies can sense when their mum is stressed and upset IME)