Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 16 17

Original poster

Husband/Partner's opinion on feeding baby

402 replies

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 24/04/2012 22:28

Did anyone face opposition from their SO regarding formula feeding?

I will most likely formula feed. Most babies in my family are formula fed. I'm aware of the benefits of bf but I just don't think it's the end of the world to ff.

My husband is constantly arguing with me over this decision because he wants me to breastfeed the baby. Anyone else faced a similar problem? What did you do about it?

Let's not turn this into a thread where I get lectured about the benefits of bf because I'm well aware of them, but I just don't think it's the right choice for me.

OP posts:

DialMforMummy · 25/04/2012 10:05

Let's not turn this into a thread where I get lectured about the benefits of bf
Well that did not work, did it? Sorry OP.

Original poster

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 25/04/2012 10:08

athinginyourlife

Yes, an uncomplicated vaginal birth is great. But who exactly is going to give me a guarantee for that? You?
There's a significant chance that I'll end up with an EMCS, or an operative vaginal birth anyway- both of which are much, much worse for the baby than a planned ceasarian. In the absence of a guarantee, based on my preferences and my risk-benefit analysis, a planned ceasarian at 39 weeks is the best alternative.

Recovery is not a concern for me. There is no guarantee that I'll recover quickly after a VB anyway. If I tear badly or need forceps, or worse still end with an EMCS after failed operative birth then the recovery will be awful. Not everyone who delivers vaginally is shopping at Tesco the next day.

OP posts:

hairylemon · 25/04/2012 10:09

"But it's a selfish choice, and a choice that is not made with your baby's best interests even in the picture, so I can see why your husband thinks it is a problem."

FFS, and people wonder by pro bfers generally have a bad name. OP has said she doesnt want to do it, cant people respect that?? What are you trying to gain exactly trying to guilt trip her into Bfing?

Original poster

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 25/04/2012 10:11

help yourself

I'm sorry but it makes no sense. You cannot compare formula to junk food, nor can you say that because I refused to bf (a decision that impacts my body), DH has the right to let the children become indisciplined.

Is that really making sense to you?

OP posts:

seeker · 25/04/2012 10:11

This is really tricky. Think you have a stronger case to say you will insist on the type of birth you want- particularly if you have done the research. But about the feeding- yes, I think he does have q right to an opinion. He certainly has q right to more of an explanation than you have given here- presumably you have gone into more detail about why you feel the way you do to him?

I would worry a hit about what happens next, though. You have a lifetime of parenting before you, and if you differ so fundamentally at this stage, you need to find ways to resolve all the other differences you will undoubtedly meet as you go along. Even parents who basically agree find this difficult- you are poles apart on this and so possibly on other things, so it might be much harder for you.

Mama1980 · 25/04/2012 10:12

I would also like to offer support. I come at this from the opposite direction dp wanted me to ff but I insisted on bf the reasons why don't matter. What I found was that when dp saw how happy and relaxed bfeeding I was he came right round to my way of thinking. Hopefully your dh will feel the same after the birth, I think agreeing to express colostrum is a fair enough compromise and shows you have given his position and opinion consideration. Biology has simply made it ultimately your choice in my opinion.

Original poster

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 25/04/2012 10:13

dailMFormommy and hairylemon

Thanks for the support. I hope you're right and that things work out.

We just don't see eye to eye on all this.

OP posts:

OhBuggerandArse · 25/04/2012 10:14

'Let's not turn this into a thread where I get lectured about the benefits of bf
Well that did not work, did it? Sorry OP.'

It's a bit unrealistic to think that the benefits of breastfeeding ( and the dis-benefits of formula feeding) aren't relevant to the discussion. It's not like the OP has said she just doesn't feel like putting red socks on the baby instead of green ones.

larrygrylls · 25/04/2012 10:19

WhatTheHell,

It is both of your child and I am also in the camp that BFing is much better. I also argued strongly with my wife in favour of breastfeeding. Ultimately she "tried" it and became a firm convert, breastfeeding them both to 10 and 9 months respectively.

Clearly, ultimately the choice is yours and he cannot and should not try to force you. But, again, he has a right to be disappointed with your choice.

The best counterexample I can think of is if your husband liked putting your baby on its front to sleep. It is marginally more dangerous, due to SIDS, but probably the same relative safety as Bfing (with all the conferred lung development and immunity) compared to Ffing. How would you react if he insisted that, every time he put your baby down to sleep, he did it on its tummy, despite your own strong feeling that it was wrong?

I think this is a really tough one. It puts modern ideas of parenthood (both parents equally committed and responsible) versus the old fashioned idea that the woman should take full responsibility, and have full control over, everything to do with her young baby. A lot of people will be very torn over this.

Agincourt · 25/04/2012 10:19

Personally I would think it was my body and my choice to make whether it was his baby or not tbh

I don't believe the benefits of breastmilk are relevant to the discussion either. It is a woman's body that has to produce the milk and feed it to the infant. I know expressing is always gets brought into the equation but having breastfed three children I found it almost impossible to express and I don't believe it's as easy to express as we are made to believe.

DialMforMummy · 25/04/2012 10:20

The OP says she knows about the benefits and this is not what she wants to discuss. So IMO, there is no point banging on about it.

Aworryingtrend · 25/04/2012 10:21

Whatthehell like you I am pregnant with my first baby, hoping to have an ELCS and also planning to FF for what I imagine are similar reasons to you.

However my DH has been totally supportive as he understands that it is my body and possibly mental well-being that are at stake, not his.

Why can your DH not see that as it would not be him doing all the feeds for months on end, that it is not his decision to make? Why is he so pro-bf even though he knows you are not?

hairylemon · 25/04/2012 10:21

"Think you have a stronger case to say you will insist on the type of birth you want"

To counter this Id say its your own body OP, you dont need to present a 'case' for deciding what you would like to happen to it.

I dunno, all this talk of cases, compromise by expressing colostrum etc sits funny with me. If an OP came on here saying her H tries to cajole her into doing something with her body that she doesnt want to there would be lots of "is he usually this controlling" type responses, this is no different.

Original poster

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 25/04/2012 10:21

seeker

I've discussed this in great detail with him.I would never just make a decision and tell him to deal with it. I've tried my best to convince him. For the birth, I've shown him innumerable valid research articles about the benefits of a Caesarian and the latest stats (which for planned caesarians are very good). I've also explained my reasons for not bf but he doesn't get it.
Strangely, we agree on how we want to parent our children, but differ when it comes to pregnancy and birth related decisions.

For instance, he was enthusiastic about Lamaze classes and I cannot bear to be part of a group where I am told how evil epidurals and ceasarians are and how I must "trust" my body to give birth. Grrrrrrr.

OP posts:

OhBuggerandArse · 25/04/2012 10:23

You cannot compare formula to junk food,

Ever tasted the stuff? It is bogging.

MadameChinLegs · 25/04/2012 10:25

I am going to approach this with the viewpoint that OP is a sensible, fully grown woman with the ability to read up on things. Therefore it is not for me to try and make her understand the benefits of BF or a VB.

The OP has decided on which method she would like to feed her baby and method in which the baby will be delivered. Short and simple. Just as millions of us decide before the birth. The fact that she has chosen FF and a CS does not make her some sort of target for you to educate her. It is exceptionally patronising.

OP, if I were in your shoes, I would repeat, ad nauseum, "well you do it then" every time my OH said "the baby should be BF" or "I want a natural birth" etc. Your body, your choice. And yes, while the DC is his baby and he should be able to have input on his choice if only one person in the relationship is able to provide that option and they, for whatever reason, are unable or unwilling to do that then how is it in any way right for him to force her or make her feel bad about her decision?

I had an awful birth experience and while I only ever wanted one baby, after the birth I made it pretty clear to DH that if he wanted another one, it would be his turn to go through all of that. It is not on at all for a partner to force their OH to do something with their body that they do not want to.

helpyourself · 25/04/2012 10:25

You described a parenting style and said that it involves discipline and a basic parenting strategy; I said that those words could describe the decision to breastfeed, hardly controversial and I don't see why you dismissed it, especially when I followed it up with a way of encouraging you to help your DH to see it from your point of view.

Iggly · 25/04/2012 10:27

Tough one OP, tough one.

Yes it's the mother who makes the milk and does the feeding when BF. but it's the same with pregnancy - yet it should be a joint decision to have a child. DH and I have had two DCs and i know deep down I'd like a third even though the baby stage kills me every time but DH only wants one. So I will respect that choice even though it's me that goes through it and me who is most affected (if another baby was like the current one).

You might think now that you agree on patenting, but believe me, your thoughts change once they arrive! DH and I were of a similar mind but with ds we don't do it the same and do have heated discussions about it.

So OP i think you and your DH need to sort this one out and how you resolve it will probably set the tone for future important decisions.

Agincourt · 25/04/2012 10:28

can he not buy one of those breast feeder things like off meet the fockers? then he could just pretend

DuelingFanjo · 25/04/2012 10:28

in answer to the OP

he can't make you.

Iggly · 25/04/2012 10:29

Only wants two, not one.

Original poster

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 25/04/2012 10:29

larry

Hi! Nice to have a man's opinion, so don't go away just yet:)

To answer your question, I'm far from old fashioned! I'm happy to let hubs make all other decisions about the baby with me barring the mode of delivery and breastfeeding, simply because they involve my body. I'm not at all one of those women who want total control over the parenting. I'm all for this being a team effort when baby comes. In fact formula will help with that won't it? He can share equally in the responsibility of feeding our baby.

As for your analogy about baby's sleep position, don't you think it's a bit different? How the baby sleeps is not impacting his body or mine- only the baby's. Furthermore, this is a safety issue (like leaving a baby unattended on a changing table), and I don't think ff falls in that category.

OP posts:

hairylemon · 25/04/2012 10:30

OP Im sure it will work out. We all have great ideas on how we'll parent, BF, only organic food, long walks in meadows with the sun on your face, only natural organic cotton nappies, only warm water and muslin cloths to wipe shitty arses etc. The reality is that as soon as that baby comes out of you, however it is delivered, your priorities change and most best laid plans go out of the window. Th emain thing is that the baby gets food, love, warmth and parents who are a partnership.

Obviously I cant say this with any authority as I dont know if there are any other problems in your relationship, but if the birth and feeding method is the only thing you arent quite seeing eye to eye on at the moment then things arent that bad IMO. Hes probably getting caught up in all the PFBness and wanting what he thinks is the best for both of you. IME men are quite black and white and see things in a straight line IYSWIM, there is a problem and they have a solution, they dont consider that life isnt a straight line, it branches off and choices pop up that might not necessarily seem right to them at the time.

Im sure it will all work out OP. Babies change people and I reckon your H will realise what a knob he has been as soon as baby pops its head out of whichever place its going to come out of

DeliaRose · 25/04/2012 10:31

Try being a bit more open minded

missdeelite · 25/04/2012 10:34

I'd echo Iggly, as aMum of 3 with dh from different background and the huge stress and dilemmas that parenting presents daily, I would suggest that you and dh work on trying to resolve these issues as diplomatically as possible, and I hope you can reach a mutual understanding of each ohers feelings where you both feel valued. Decisions about birth and feeding are just the tip of the iceberg! Good luck

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 16 17