Husband/Partner's opinion on feeding baby

[WhatTheHellJustHappened]

Did anyone face opposition from their SO regarding formula feeding?

I will most likely formula feed. Most babies in my family are formula fed. I'm aware of the benefits of bf but I just don't think it's the end of the world to ff.

My husband is constantly arguing with me over this decision because he wants me to breastfeed the baby. Anyone else faced a similar problem? What did you do about it?

Let's not turn this into a thread where I get lectured about the benefits of bf because I'm well aware of them, but I just don't think it's the right choice for me.

Hairy,

Sure, if she agreed that, were he to fail, she would give it a proper go. I am cynical about men meaningfully lactating, or at least without large doses of female hormones. And that would definitely be goodbye to a "normal" marriage.

"Sure, if she agreed that, were he to fail, she would give it a proper go"

The difference is that OP doesnt want to BF (at this time, I say that OP because I am mindful that further up thread you say if it were to happen) and her DH does want her to BF.

Hormones schmormones, women get pumped full of them sometimes during childbirth, when bfing, while pg etc. Piece of piss , now wheres me razor I need to get rid of this beard......

Hairy,

I think there is the assumption that if a man has a view on what a woman should do with her body, there is some controlling patriarchal view. Sometimes it is just that he views that, within a marriage and family, both people should have a say over all sorts of matters. As an example, say one of your children had kidney failure (which I hope never happens to any of us) and your husband were found to be a perfect match, would you not feel you had a right to at least strongly urge him to donate him/her a kidney?

Of course I would, because a baby not having BM is not the same as child having kidney failure and needing a kidney from a parent.

infact Id stab the bastard and remove it myself

Both wetnursing and cows'milk/goats' milk variations as substitutes for breastfeeding have been around forever, actually. There have always been women who were either unable to breastfeed or didn't want to.

in all seriousness if he wouldnt be prepared to give a kidney to save our childs life hed be loooong gone.

then id stab the bastard and remove it myself

Hairy,

I know formula is perfectly good milk and, in the absence of breast milk, a very decent substitute. However, you have to accept that some people feel strongly that breast milk confers a number of non trivial advantages on a baby. I know the evidence is equivocal and it is hard to remove confounding factors, but it is there.

Maybe the OP's husband really feels strongly about it as a positive for his baby and not a negative for his wife. As you say, BF vs FF is not as important as kidney failure but the effort and risk required is not equivalent either, especially as a large chunk of this benifit is conferred in the first few weeks.

larry

I cannot believe how slow you are. Really, it's amazing.

Can you not understand that there is a vast difference between unilateral parenting decisions regarding things like baby's name, education, discipline etc and between decisions like mode of delivery and breastfeeding which involve one partner's body? There is nothing artificial about the example.

Breastfeeding is effort only from one parent because biology designed it like that. You won't be the one dealing with the pain, waking up at odd hours while recovering from birth, being housebound, possibly revealing yourself in public, having your schedule revolve around feeding, dealing with expressing during a full time job. Noooo. It will be your wife doing all that. There is ZERO effort required from you so I'm sure it's easy to be all autocratic and state that she better give bf a "proper" go.

Refusing to help with changing nappies and other things just to get back at your wife for not breastfeeding is spiteful and immature. Not to mention immensely chauvinistic.

Contrary to your assumption, I'm well aware that my marriage will change enormously once the baby is born. Trying to work out a way to ensure we still have our couple time is just an attempt to restore some semblance of normalcy. Can the attempt fail? Certainly. But we can still try.

Let me piss you off further. Since I have no intention of being a SAHM, we will have to at some point get a nanny. Let's see you having a field day with this one.

i would assume most parents would donate an organ to their children if they needed to and i know full well i wouldnt have to urge my partner to.and if he didnt, which is just not a scenario i can comprehend, then it would be a deal breaker and our relationship would be over quite frankly.

but this isnt a life or death situation or something that both parents can do, its something that generally only a woman can do and she does have bodily integrity and she hast stated she has personal psychological reasons for not wanting to bfeed so her husband should respect that. he may not be happy with it, he may prefer for his baby to have bmilk, if so why doesn the look into alternatives like milk banks and donation, not easy but can be done.

ultimately when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth and bfeeding it IS the womans decision as she is the one that has to do it!

and i am somone who has 5 kids and has bfed for over 9yrs but when with 2 of my children i decided to switch to formula my dp wholeheardely supported me, he made it clear it was my choice and he would support me either way and he is hugely pro bfeeding! but he didnt blackmail me or cajole me he sat and listend to my reasons and was happy to go with what i thought was best.

all the 'give it a go' well yes maybe the op could give it a go, ,maybe she will feel like doing so, but what if she does and then spends those early days dreading every feed, hating every moment of bfeeding and so doing spoils those early few days with her lovely new baby? should she do that just to appease her partner? so that then he can be 'happy' that she gave it a go (tho how you judge what counts as enough as a go..) and then she would not enjoy those first few days and instead of looking back and cherishign those early moments she would look back with sadness at what was an awful and difficult time for her doing something she didnt want to be doing and which she hated.

this is a choice that affects her physically and mentally and yes that trumps the fathers feelings on having the best for his baby. and i wont dispute that biologically bmilk is the best nutrition for a baby, but making a mother bfeed is not good for the mother and i would think in the long run it could lead to huge resentment and maybe even bonding issues, which wouldnt be good for mother or baby.

and as for suggestions that somehow by not bfeeding or co-sleeping she is somehow less of a mother!

and you cant compare nappy changes etc and him refusing to do them as the same thing, they both signed up for parnethood, so they both signed up for nappy changes, bfeeding IS optional given that we live in a society where bottles, clean water and formula is easily available. again a partner that tried to 'teach me a lesson' by not helping with the baby because i want bfeeding would get very short thrift. are there really men that would do that?

she has said that she has discussed it with him and looked at the pros and cons of both, so it hasnt been a fait au complait as you say it has been discussed and looked at, but ultimately it IS her choice and if he is so petty to 'punish' her for not bfeeding then imo he doesnt deserve to be a father anyway.

op i hope you and your partner can move on from this, once baby is here and he gets the opportunity to snuggle up and give baby a bottle, have lovely cuddles etc he will focus on enjoying and loving that baby and supporting you as you become a family.

WhattheHell,

I know a lot of people with nannies. We have one very part time as well. So hardly going to have a go at you over that. Though I may mention that in this day and age, employing a nanny is not the same as Mary Poppins pitching in and most of my nannied up friends have had many a nanny crisis. In any event, you are misdirecting your aggression. I am merely whiling away time making some cogent points before I make some dinner for my children and disappear for a while. It is your husband that you need to consider pissing off, maybe.

I totally understand the difference but it does not mean I have to agree with it.

Thanks op in my earlier post I forgot about the mn frenzy that is SAHM v working mums.....ding ding ding

OP, dont feel pressurised to co-sleep. My DD is 18 weeks and I have never had her in the bed with me to sleep. Not once. Se comes in to play in the mornings but for sleep, she has her own space. We all like it that way. She sleeps, we sleep, no worries about rolling or fidgetting around.

I have read up on SIDS guidelines and also NHS advice re: babies sleep and still wanted to put DD in her own room as soon as she was ready, and certainly before she became aware of us being there (I had a fear that she would then grow to need us there in order to sleep).

However, we ended up with a Moses Basket next to the bed for the first 3 months (eventually putting her in the basket at the end of the room once she was sleeping through), and when she outgrew that we put her in her travel cot in the room. She did move into her own room at 4 months, but has been rather poorly so is back in the travel cot in our room as she has resumed waking in the night. Honestly, if DCs wake numerous times in the night, in order to get decent sleep yourself its usually more efficient to have them near. Quickly give mil or dummy or cuddle and back down they go. I know from putting DD in ehr room too early that traipsing even to the next room and back for every little thing makes you even more tired the next day.

However, you are the parents, and you will do what is best for you and your DC. I hope also that you get the birth you want and that your DH is able to understand that your body is going through a monumental change and will go through a lot more before the baby is here so you should have the final say on how you use it.

Hehe. :D
So not only am I having a planned Caesarian, I'm also giving my baby formula, putting him in his own cot and going back to work full time and getting..... hold your breath... a nanny.

Dr Sears hates me.

WhatTheHellJustHappened you are like a walking talking AIBU thread.

oh good I am glad it wasnt just me that thought the comparison of a baby not getting BM and a child needing a kidney from a parent was a bit

OP, any particular reason that you're ignoring any sensible posts and questions in favour of the extremists and those killing time? It's almost as though you aren't actually looking for a solution and are actually spoiling for a fight. If that is the case, it would be far more productive to go through all this with your DH rather than being aggressive on the net with a bunch of people who's opinions you neither want nor respect.

I'm bored now. Cheerio.

What I don't understand is why you think that bf is either 6-8 months or nothing.

I'm ignoring sensible posts?

I don't think I'm spoiling for a fight Trina. Given how insensitive and judgemental some posts have been, I'd say I've controlled my temper remarkably. I blew up at larry, I'll admit, because I couldn't take the subtle chauvinism and hypocrisy.

I most certainly want and respect many of the opinions I've received here.

So, how about my suggestion that you say to your dp "-ok, I will bf this baby while I am at home recovering from my c section, but I expect you to do absolutely everything else for the that time- including all housework and whatever else needs doing." Then when you are up and about and he is back to work, you switch to bottle feeding. That way the baby gets the first two weeks of colostrum and your immunities and all the rest, you've gone a little way to accommodate him but you never have to feed in public or feel tied in the way that you were concerned about.

The way you describe breastfeeding - pain, waking up at odd hours, housebound, public nakedness, schedule revolving around feeding etc - makes it sound like a nightmare! No wonder you don't want to do it. But FF isn't necessarily the easy option.

There is evidence to show that breastfeeding helps your body recover more quickly from birth (though not sure of CSection stats on this), you'll still have the waking up at odd hours for a while at least, your schedule is more likely to revolve around feeding if on formula as you'll have to watch more carefully how much your baby is taking, and there's a lot less to pack when going out, so public exposure aside, getting out of the house is actually easier. Plus there's the sterilising bottles, actually getting up at night to get bottles out of the fridge, having to ask for jugs of hot water in cafes to reheat, making sure you've got enough stocks of powder/cartons etc.

I think it's the baby rather than the method of feeding that's takes up the time, wakes you up at night and makes it tricky getting out of the house.

Not saying that all your down-sides of breastfeeding may not be true, just saying FF isn't exactly easy either.

As for the original argument between you and your DP - chances are, you'll be the one doing most of the feeds anyway, so it makes sense to choose the one that'll be most convenient for you, which, once established could well be BF.

I haven't read this whole thread, mainly because there is a lot of repartition, the OP doesn't want to breastfeed for personal reasons, she sounds very sure of herself and seems to have done a bit of reading around the issue. It doesn't seem to me the decision came from 'mis-education.'

Nearly everyone else seems to say, "breast is best".

Really... is breast better than a happy, calm, confident mother who is able to bond with her child without getting frustrated and upset at every feed?

Sadly for your DP it's your body and your choice. If he is that worried could you get some from a bank if such thing exists in your area?

dobeesneeze
Yes, I know FF isn't easy. I mentioned my family is mostly formula fed so I know about the drawbacks of it.

seeker

I will definitely consider you suggestion.

I am wondering what you wanted people to say?

In her very first post, the op outlined the problem and asked if anyone else had experienced similar. So it's likely that's what she wanted people to say.

Further research has just revealed that many studies have shown co-sleeping increases the risk of SIDS. Hmm.