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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

First time mums who do not try bf - why?

175 replies

Booboostoo · 01/08/2011 12:39

This is a genuine question out of curiosity and NOT an attempt to label or evaluate anyone!!

I know 5 women who gave birth for the first time around the same time as me. One tried bf but it didn't work out which is fair enough. The other four never tried it. Why do people choose formula without giving bf a go? As far as I know neither had a medical reason preventing them from bf, it was a matter of choice, but why do people reject bf when they don't know if it will work for them? They all have months of maternity leave.

OP posts:

faverolles · 01/08/2011 12:43

I think if no-one in the family has breastfed, bottle feeding is normal to them, so this is the way they go from the start.

When I was in hospital after having dc4, there was a woman in the same ward who started BFing, and did really well, but stopped after 2 days because of constant comments from her dp and visiting family. If she has another, I doubt she'll even try.

BertieBotts · 01/08/2011 12:43

It can be loads of things. Body image, wanting to share feeding with their partner, feeling uncomfortable about it, bottlefeeding being the norm in their family (so automatic first choice), feeling that breastfeeding is something other women do (especially amongst younger and/or working class mums, though by far not all of course), medical reasons they don't want to share with you, history of sexual abuse, having heard from friends and/or family that breastfeeding hurts or is difficult or makes the baby not sleep, wanting to know how much the baby is getting, wanting to put them in a routine from birth, just not really liking the idea......

Bunbaker · 01/08/2011 12:45

I would be interested to know as well. I know how hard it is, especially with a baby who isn't interested in latching on in the first place. So I would never judge anyone who has tried and fallen at the first hurdle.

So this question is aimed at those who won't rather than those who can't

BertieBotts · 01/08/2011 12:48

So you would judge those who "won't" rather than "can't", Bunbaker?

Bunbaker · 01/08/2011 12:51

I should have worded my post differently. I admit that I find it difficult to understand why some women, who have no physical reason not to bf, find the idea distasteful.

Quis · 01/08/2011 12:54

It's a very personal and private choice that really is nobody else's business. You have no idea what has or has not happened to lead to a person choosing ff over bf or vice versa.
Why do you care? It seems extremely nosey and very rude to even ask!

Pootles2010 · 01/08/2011 12:56

Because they don't want to. It's their body and their business.

Original poster

Booboostoo · 01/08/2011 12:57

Faverolles that is a really good point. My mum went nuts over the baby not getting any 'proper milk' until my milk arrived on day 3 after birth. She was really freaking out that the baby would lose weight and wouldn't accept that this is normal, that colostum is good, etc. I can see why that kind of pressure can get to you!!!

BertieBoss thanks that's a great list! Like Bunbaker I am only interested out of curiosity for the reasons why women won't bf. When they can't the reason is evident, i.e. inability, but when they won't it is interesting to hear why not.

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 01/08/2011 12:58

Some defensive answers here already!

BertieBotts · 01/08/2011 13:00

It's okay, Bunbaker, my post wasn't intended to get at you, just to make you think about the language you are using. It's an extremely emotive issue and whatever their reason for choosing FF, lots of mums do feel judged for it.

I think it is interesting to find out why people make decisions differently to ones that I might have made, I'm sure other people do as well. Don't assume everyone's intention is to judge and feel superior. It can be useful as well for health professional types to know the kinds of reasons why people don't BF - if it's out of ignorance then more general education/information may make a difference, if not, then no amount of BF "promotion" is going to make a sizeable difference, so better to focus on BF support for those who do want to choose it. I just wish that the NHS would realise this

Original poster

Booboostoo · 01/08/2011 13:01

Quis nosy and rude? I certainly didn't intend it this way and I don't see why you are taking it that way. I am not saying they are wrong to make this choice, just interersted in it. If anyone does not want to reply because they would rather not share their reasons, then they don't have to! I am not asking any particular person, nor am I identifying anyone. No reason to be so touchy.

Pootles2010 I am not questioning their right to make the choice, just interested in the reasons behind it. Whatever the reasons, even if some of them turn out to be utterly silly (this is just an assumption for the sake of the argument!), they still have the right to make the choice, this is not under dispute.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 01/08/2011 13:01

(2nd paragraph was aimed at the thread in general)

worldgonecrazy · 01/08/2011 13:02

Those that I know all went straight to bottle feeding because that was what they thought of as 'normal'. I find it rather sad that bottle feeding has been normalised to such an extent that many women don't even bother to look into breastfeeding, or think that formula is almost the same as breastmilk.

I think they also had an idea that bottle feeding was somehow easier than breastfeeding, possibly because they had never been around women who had breastfed for more than a few weeks.

booboostoo well done for keeping going in the face of such negativity.

Pootles2010 · 01/08/2011 13:04

Fair enough if you were just wondering. It's just this seems to be wondered upon more often than other things - for example, I wonder why you care? I wonder why anyone who disagrees with your is being touchy or defensive?

RitaMorgan · 01/08/2011 13:04

Not being the cultural/social norm for them
Returning to work early
Body issues/previous sexual abuse
Unsupportive/controlling/abusive DP
Heard horror stories from others
Undisclosed medical issue (eg hypoplastic breasts, previous mastectomy, taking medication for depression)
Believe formula to be more convenient or less effort

Quis · 01/08/2011 13:07

Booboostoo - my post was not meant to be 'touchy' at all! Please don't take offence.

I would feel embarrassed asking such a personal question that's all. It is nosey!

Original poster

Booboostoo · 01/08/2011 13:11

worldgonecrazy thanks for those thoughts! It is difficult to compare the two without experience of both. I have only very limited (8 weeks worth) experience of bf and during that time I have found it surprisingly difficult, hard work and for most of that time painful, but it is getting a lot better now (although her constant feeding has even led my OH to suggest we try some formula!).

Pootles2010 I don't particularly care, but it just happens that I have a newborn so find myself more attracted to this topic than the pregnancy topic I used to read more up on before and I can do the computer while bf which gives me something to do during the endless boredom of bf. I don't think anyone who disagrees with me is touchy or defensive. In this thread I haven't even stated an opinion for anyone to disagree with me, merely asking a question and I only thought Quis seemed touchy because s/he called me nosy and rude for no (apparent to me at least) good reason.

Thanks RitaMorgan. The work issue is a difficult one for a lot of mums. My cousin had to return to work one week after birth because she's a doctor and was really needed, but found it very hard to leave the baby - I do feel for her, it couldn't have been easy. Needless to say formula was the only option for her as she was away for endless hours.

OP posts:

LRDTheFeministDragon · 01/08/2011 13:11

FWIW, my friend found it very hard to get her baby to latch on. We are close so I know she did try, pretty hard, and got no support at all (she asked: they said her nipples were inverted (?) and so she wouldn't be able to do it - she thinks this is wrong, but I have no kids and am not sure what the reality was). However, I know she tells most people 'oh, I chose to FF' because it is really none of their business that she tried and failed.

I'm sure not everyone is like that, but it may be some people feel a bit shy about admitting they tried and couldn't do it.

Original poster

Booboostoo · 01/08/2011 13:13

Quis no offence taken! Since I am not asking this question of any one identifiable person I am not embarassed by it and would feel that anyone who is can just ignore this thread. I didn't ask these four women directly as I thought that would be too personal and might have made them feel targeted (they were not good friends, just acquaintances. The fifth one who gave up bf is a friend and we had long, long discussions about our experiences).

OP posts:

zzzzz · 01/08/2011 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Booboostoo · 01/08/2011 13:17

LRDTheFeministDragon I find it quite sad that women cannot say that they gave up because it is hard to do, because IT IS hard to do! On a purely personal note, I had the impression that since bf is natural it should be easy, but it isn't! Again on a personal note I wish there was more openness about the difficulties of bf (in life in general, I don't mean in this forum. My pre-natal classes said nothing about bf other than that a lactation consultant would pop by after birth).

OP posts:

VelvetSnow · 01/08/2011 13:18

We chose not to breastfeed. Our reasons are as follows:

I was going back to work 3 months after dd was born.
DP was being SAHD and wanted to contribute to feeding her.
I wasn't comfortable with the idea of expressing all the time.

That's it really. DD is now 10 months and is very healthy, We're very pleased with her development.

ellmum · 01/08/2011 13:27

I think it's a really interesting question. I only know a few people who didn't try to bf at all, and only one of them ever discussed with me why she'd decided not to. She said she knew she'd hate it (I think she meant the physical side of it) so it was a bottle from the start. She has no regrets and would do the same again with another baby. She's never passed any comment on me bf'ing, other than to say that it makes her more certain that it's not for her so she obviously made the right decision for her.

superjobee · 01/08/2011 13:28

this is really personal to me as i am pg again and feel awful as i cant decide whether to try to BF again or go straight to bottle. i BF DD from birth but gave up within months as i felt angry and resentful at her for wanting me even tho her feeds were always 4 hourly and she slept thru her 4 am feed within weeks. i hated the feeling of the milk being 'drawn' from my breast i didnt get the giddy happy mummy feeling i expected and felt lousy for it. i was eventually diagnosed with PND which i put a lot of blame on BF for, rightly or wrongly.

i have bottles etc ready for when DS arrives i feel awful knowing that i make good milk and colustrum but am so worried about getting PND again and going thru the god awful time i had not bonding with DD the way i should have and our bond still isnt perfect to this day.

i dont want to go thru that again but feel so unbelieveably guilty for it.

AlpinePony · 01/08/2011 13:31

I have no idea whether the women in my family breastfed or not - bar my mother, I asked her. It never popped up during the round-robin.

I stopped bf and went on to formula, I am so "over" giving my reasons that I no longer offer explanation.

I am pregnant now with my second and bar colostrum (if it comes) will be using formula. For some of the reasons listed by Rita and I didn't like doing it.

I don't need support or education thanks.

I judged the girl in the bed next to me who had the c-section after mine. I judged her for going to formula straight away. I judged her for asking the nurses to look after her baby so she could sleep. I judged her for asking her husband to change the nappy so she could rest. I look back and wonder how such a young girl surrounded by family knew so much!

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