First time mums who do not try bf - why?

[Booboostoo]

This is a genuine question out of curiosity and NOT an attempt to label or evaluate anyone!!

I know 5 women who gave birth for the first time around the same time as me. One tried bf but it didn't work out which is fair enough. The other four never tried it. Why do people choose formula without giving bf a go? As far as I know neither had a medical reason preventing them from bf, it was a matter of choice, but why do people reject bf when they don't know if it will work for them? They all have months of maternity leave.

AlpinePony, my friend FF and uses around 6 tins of formula a month for her 3 month old baby. I would say that almost £50 a month is expensive, especially when there's a free alternative.

The same friend tried to BF her first DC. She feels she failed due to under supply, but maybe it was lack of support, from what she says she didn't really get any except from her Mum. She was so upset by it all she didn't try to BF her 3 subsequent DC at all as she felt to try and fail would be too much. I really feel for her if I am honest, I have heard her openly tell her DC1 (when saying I was BF) that BF is normal and very good for babies etc.

I have another friend who FF all her DC from birth, she felt that BF seemed 'icky' and didn't want to do it. She also wanted all of her 4 DC cleaned and dressed in babygrows at birth before she held them. Her choice entirely and I respect that, but I do find it sad that society has made something breasts were designed for seem 'icky' to some people.

But if we livid in a BF culter then vertually all of those mum's who have said they just didn't want to probably wouldn't have even though twice about BF and would have just done it from the word go. So actualy it's a social decision not just a personal one, you've sucomed to social norm's where your aware of that or not. How we are raised and what we experence play's a huge part in our personal decision's.

I for instrances didn't even think twice about BF, I was BF so was DH and I didn't even think about not trying it. As far as I was consered that was what you did, but the same could be said for some who's FF and come from a FF family.

Oh and we're very lucky to live in a counrty where we have a choice. A lot of people around the world couldn't afford formula or don't have access to safe water supply. So there is no choice you BF or your baby dies.

I can only speak for myself but looking back I could kick myself because of guilt.

When I was pregnant at 19 (2006) the first person I spoke to about feeding was my mum and she has always been a bit freaked out by the whole breastfeeding thing and so it seemed normal to me that was how you did it.

But after a while and reading the baby book the midwife gave me I learned more about BF and was talking to friend's mum as she was the only person I knew had BF and I came away thinking I would give it a go and it sounded great.

Unfortunately I made the mistake of mentioning it to my mum and MIL who both 'warned' me about how you can't have routine and anym mother they know had been stressed because of constant feeding and screaming from baby, this in the end terrified me and I was never given any more information by the MW.

Now I have 2 friend's who have successfully BF their children with very little of the screaming and stress I was told about and tehir DC's are not clingy and very happy little people whereas my FF son is hyper active and caked in eczema...

I can't change it now but if I could I would and next time I will definately give it a go despite what people say.

Sorry for the rant but you did ask :o

I have formula fed 3dds from the word go, dd3 currently 5 months and quite simply I didn't want to breast feed. I know this is an unsatisfactory reason to some but OP you did ask. Breast feeding is supported where I live, I had maternity leave, I'm quite well educated, my friends breast feed, my relatives do. Just not for me.

I didnt BF as I take a lot of medication to keep me alive, I had to come off of pain killers and one of my meds that help me function and walk while pg and spent a lot of the pregnancy in hospital, but the time ds was born I could have stayed off the meds and BF and probably lost feeling in my arms/legs at any time while on my own with him so I went back on my medication, it gave him the best start as he had his mother their looking after him the best I could rather than spending time pumping from a hospital bed.

FF was the best for me, babies are expensive and I didnt think that formula, or the bottle cleaning process was a faff, I just thought it was part of looking after my baby, which it is if you FF, I have never once thought oh I wish I BF as then I wouldnt have to clean and prep bottles.

I find it sad when women get judged on the way they feed their baby, its personal choice, i've never had one person judge me for feeding ds a bottle when im out and about.

Apologies for not replying to everyone individually but I had a two hour break from bf and went to ride!

As a general point I don't think anyone should feel guilty for not bf. Parenting is full of guilt for things not done/not done right, we don't really need any more of it! All the mums who take the time to consider their options and chose what they think is best for themselves and their babies are making the right choice.

Saidthespiderwithahorridsmile, no I dont feel guilty about FF and would do the same again if I ever changed my mind about having another. My informed choice to make just like any other choice I make regarding my DS.

Formula is fed to millions of babies, its not poison although the way some on here go overboard with the BF message it sounds like it sometimes.

6 mums in my antenatal group. 5 of them breastfed - all hated it, all got PND, all looked back on very early days as hell on earth, constant feeding, screaming baby, horrid experience in hospital.

I chose not to. Don't like the thought of it.
I look back on those early days fondly, with DP and relatives loving feeding DD, sailied through baby days, now have healthiest and best sleeping toddler out of us all.

It's not for me, and never will be.

8tiktok* - i don't think it's disingenuous to say "i don't want to"
there doesn't have to be a reason for not wanting to.
Try talking to my other sister about it - she gets upset if people ask her reasons beyond her not wanting to.
It should be enough for an adult to say "i don't want to" without having to explain it :)

nickelbabe - there is always a reason for not wanting to do something. It's a preference and it doesn't come from nowhere. The choice is between 'breastfeeding' and 'not breastfeeding' and even if someone does not want to share their reason for their preference, and even if they are not even sure themselves why they have a preference, even if they have no clue, there is a reason.

No one has to explain it - I agree.

there probably is, deep down, but knowing my sisters as I do, their only reason is "i don't want to" and they've probably not even thought beyond that. Hard to explain what I mean, but they have probably come to the conclusion before trying out the reasons, and having got a conclusion, they feel they don't need to explore it further.

Apologies, haven't read the whole thread. I'm not planning another baby, but if I did, there is a fair chance I would FF from birth (or at least day 3).

I BF DS2 until 7 months, and hated every second of it. I had major thyroid problems, and had weird hormone rushes every time he fed. It didn't hurt, but I just sobbed through every single feed. Everyone told me to give it up (doctors, consultants, HVs, family) but I was addicted.

If I every had another, I think it would be simpler not to start.

I didn't want to.

I listened to PROFESSIONAL advice, and I CHOSE not to.

It was that simple, and I am happy with my choice.

Incidentally, I never ask anyone how or what they feed their baby because I assume that's their choice too.

Do not even go here.

I asked the same question a few months ago. Nine pages and a few death wishes later, I wished I hadn't.

kickingking

Just to reply about the cost, I agree with people who have said ff is expensive. Even disregarding the cost of bottles and sterilisers etc (which ime both ff and bf mums tend to buy).

My cousin goes through a tin of formula every week or ten days give or take, which I think is about average. The cost of ff would cancel out my child tax credit for example. Over the course of a year I would say it's certainly more expensive.

Obviously bf mums can choose to buy expensive nursing bras, expensive breast pumps, designer nursing clothes etc if they wanted to, but you can manage without those things. A couple of M&S nursing bras and a couple of black vest tops is also sufficient!

One of the things that keeps me bf 9 months on, is the extra cost that would be created by me stopping . So here I am admiting to being a bit tight... but there it is!

"but I do find it sad that society has made something breasts were designed for seem 'icky' to some people."

I agree. I find the argument about going back to work at three months rather unsatisfactory because even bf your baby for a week makes all the difference.

"But if we livid in a BF culture then virtually all of those mums who have said they just didn't want to probably wouldn't have even though twice about BF and would have just done it from the word go. So actualy it's a social decision not just a personal one, you've succumbed to social norms whether you're aware of that or not."

Absolutely

Booboostoo - my DH is actually the same as your friend's! And he's married to me - a bf'er of a nearly 20 month old. He is really supportive of bf'ing in general, and me specifically, but he wouldn't be comfortable being around anyone else doing it. He'd leave the room immediately if someone started bf'ing in front of him (me excluded, obviously, or he'd be spending a lot of time on his own!) I think some people, women too, just don't feel comfortable, I think they see it as intimate maybe. I stopped seeing it as that a while ago, with a DD who demands it when she sees fit, not when it might be convenient/private.

I think it's funny when people say ff is a faff.. I'm currently bf 8wk old ds2 who I really don't think has settled into established feeding pattern yet & I've had 2 bouts of mastitis. To my mind a faff is stressing out in public with a wailing thrashing baby who won't latch on properly whilst your toddler clambers all over you needing attention!
Ds1 was bf for 6wks and I gave up as his weight plummeted from 25th to 0.2% and I couldn't cope with the worry (plus he used to throw up virtually everything I fed him) . he flourished on ff'ing but I hated myself for not being a proper middle class mummy so am desperately trying to keep it going for another 18 weeks and counting!

I remember obsessively reading this board 2yrs ago and all I can say is that with a bit of hindsight you realise that good motherhood is dependent on so many things and feeding is just one element which seems to generate an inordinate amount of guilt.

Thankyou 1999, it was 13 years ago and I couldn't remember how much milk I bought. I just remember that as a young couple with one income and a large mortgage it was an expense I could have done without.

"I think it's funny when people say ff is a faff."

It is when you compare it to established breastfeeding. Although I agree that starting breastfeeding is a lot harder than bottle feeding. Having struggled myself when DD was little I totally understand why so many women give it up. I was lucky because I had loads of support from the midwives at the hospital. They wouldn't send me home until they knew I could feed DD, which suited me fine.

By the time DD was three months old I did give her the occasional bottle, but it was more work than just breastfeeding her - no sterilising, no waiting for the boiled kettle water to cool down to the right temperature (back then you mixed up the feed with warm water not hot), no faffing around measuring powder and water, no need to heat the bottle to the right temperature etc, etc.

I was a first time mum three years ago. I never attempted to BF for many reasons.

• I had terrible body image from an abusive relationship and the thought of people seeing my breasts scared the shit out of me.
• Nobody in my family had ever breast fed for longer than a week so all had ideas that you start and fail. They had no qualms about sharing this info with me, so I thought what's the point.
• I really hated the anti-routine of it all. I liked to know how much my baby was taking, how often she would need it, how long she would sleep for etc etc.

I don't feel guilty about my choices as they were right for me at the time and anyone who judged/judges me can take a leap as far as I'm concerned. My DD is very healthy and is developing fine.

Now I'm pregnant with DC2 and contemplating the idea of BF. I'm still very undecided but am receiving lots of good information from my MW and she has said she totally understands the reasons as to why I didn't try and said the best thing to do it put no pressure on myself.

I like the idea of someone else being able to make a bottle and feed the baby so I can go for a bath. I like routine. I am still slightly conscious of my breasts and although feeding at home wouldn't be an issue I don't want to restric myself and never leave the house - which I know will happen.

But, I have also thought long and hard about the benefits. My MW showed me the marbles and explained the sizes of baby's stomachs and how BF babies tend to not suffer obesity etc and it was eye opening. Nobody told me that before.

So whilst I still haven't made a decision, I would like to say, please don't judge those who don't try. I may not try again. I might just do it whilst in hospital. I don't know. But it doesn't make me a weirdo.

I totally agree Bunbaker.

Surely easier to pop baby onto the boob and then go straight back to sleep rather than having to come down and faff around with the kettle etc?

I'm not saying that bf is never a faff, especially in the early days or if things aren't going well. But even my most staunch ff friends have wanted to throw the sterliser out of the window by 5 months in

Also another thought as to why I didnt:

• I would rather have not tried than tried and failed. I'm not sure I could deal with trying so hard to do something that was painful, but 'best' for my baby. That would surely bring up huge feelings of guilt.

Obviously if we lived somewhere where there was no water supply and it was BF or baby dies then everyone would BF as that would be the norm for that place. Until that mother's milk doesn't come? Then what? The fact that formula is available here means we have a choice, and a contingency plan and to me that is a good thing.