4 month sleep regression hell: Support thread

[blackcurrants]

DS is 18 weeks and has never been a good sleeper (waking every 2-3 hours in the night) - but he used to go back to sleep immediately after I offered him a boob. I then either fell asleep next to him (got bed set up for safe co-sleeping) or waited five minutes and eased him into the co-sleeper next to the bed.

This has all changed: over the last two weeks he wakes every hour, feeds for AGES, sometimes won't go back to sleep, has also been teething since last week (poor lad) and generally totally exhausting.

I'm at the end of my rope. For the first time since he was born I've felt "I can't do this" - not sure what 'this' is exactly - breastfeeding, raising a child, both? I work three days a week but have cut back any other commitments at the moment so I can nap at every possible chance -on the days when I'm home I lie down every time DS does - but I'm still bloody knackered, and a wreck.

I've been searching my soul: did I respond too quickly to his cries when he was a newborn? Have I 'trained him' to wake up this often? Is it time he was in his own room? Is it time I was in my own room, in another (warmer) country, after a name change? I'm definitely a bad mother for all this breastfeeding co-sleeping nonsense, after all, because friends who 'let their baby cry a bit' MONTHS ago have had 6-7 hours each ever since....
(yes, a friend let her baby CIO at 3 months old. Yes, she's still my friend. Yes, it upsets me that she did that, but no, her daughter's not suffering - indeed, they're all insufferably perky and happy and well-rested looking)....

Anyway, I don't want to stop being a breastfeedy, co-sleepy, respond-to-crying baby-y weirdo - and DH is right there with me - but I DO need to remind myself, now and then, that this is the 4 month sleep regression and not 'my chickens coming home to roost' or 'the rod for my own back'... it's a developmental stage, not my failures as a new mum.

I feel lots better for writing all that, actually! [cgrin]

I know there are other people going through the same lack-of-sleep torment as me - come and have a vent. You'll feel better. We can commiserate and share notes!

Ninky, We bungied the cot to the side of the bed when he got too big for the moses basked (mostly he was too heavy for me to lift up when I was still in bed and the cot is higher. It is bigger, but I moved my nightstand out and we get by just fine.

I am contemplating going over to parenting and starting a "family don't agree with parenting, how will we cope with xmas" support thread. My mother told me I should put him in the pram in the garden so his crying didn't stop me doing housework (in october, he was 8 weeks) and I overheard her telling my brother's new girlfriend, who we had only just met that he was "spoiled because she never leaves him on his own". I am seriously considering cutting down our xmas visit to a couple of hours rather than an overnight because I can't deal with her nagging me about co-sleeping, when am I putting him on a bottle etc.

Can I join this thread? Was up every hour and a half last night, and every two hours the night before. DS is 16 weeks. I'm feeling a bit desperate: the timing's awful as I've got to go into work on Thursday and sound intelligent, we've got his immunisations on Tuesday which is bound to give us trouble anyway, and I've got a cold that I can't shake off, probably because I'm not getting any sleep. I don't feel I can cope any more: it's not as though DS is an easy baby generally (he's very windy, cries a lot during the day and doesn't seem to like me much) and about the one thing I was hanging on to was that he was pretty good at night. DH and I can't easily share the nighttimes because DS won't take a bottle.

I'm really regretting carrying on with breastfeeding - the first six weeks were difficult, really hurt etc, and now it's physically all right but I feel really trapped as I can't go out without DS, ever. And now I'm not getting any sleep either. Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me being a crap mother again?

EVERYONE can join this thread (unless your baby sleeps well, in which case, don't come near me lest I call you names...) because god knows we need someone to moan at.

I feel for you, Porcelain - I am getting a bit pre-angry and pre-defensive about my DS's sleep habits in advance of my xmas visit, which will be nearly 3 weeks long. I get on well with my mum and she's very supportive of my choice to BF (couldn't do it herself in the 70s, no support, etc) but has NO IDEA why it's so different from formula and why he won't go 4 hours between feeds, etc. I think I'll be ok in that she's learned when to butt out (so I'll have it easier than you, I think) but I'm worried I'll feel judged (no other co-sleepers in the family) and I'm so mardy at the moment (cos so exhausted) that I might just rage away without real provocation!

Petsville if you're a crap mother you're in good company! I'm not regretting carrying on with bfing only because I think I'd get even less sleep now if I was having to make up bottles, etc - even with DH doing half. Plus, I can feed him while I'm almost asleep if I BF... but I do feel trapped to him - and I do get frustrated that it's my dinner goes cold when he cries for the Nth time after going to bed, and ... yes, I feel pretty trapped.

I've told DH that as I'm averaging 4-5 hours of sleep a night (in shorter than 1 hour segments!) he is doing every single other thing in the world that needs doing AND treating me like I'm made of glass, please.
He's being very nice about it, but I think we're all ready for this stage to end now. The Wonder Weeks says it's a buildup to the 19 week developmental thing, and can last from 2-5 weeks. Argggh. Add a cold and teething into the mix, and no wonder we're so haggard. DS looks tired, too, poor boy.

I reckon I've got 1-2 more weeks to go. 3 if the fates are REALLY against.me. And if it's still this bad after Christmas I might just offer DS to the Fairies, and they can raise him!

Hello! Haven't read the full thread yet as I'm trying to get ds1's tea ready, but I wanted to add ds2 is 21 weeks, formula fed and I do let him cry a bit because I have another baby to think of (ds1 is not quite two) so I can't jump to his every cry...and do you know what? He doesn't sleep either

So the fact you bf / co-sleep / don't let your lo cry is completely irrelevant IME. Most some babies just don't 'conform' and sleep through until they're much older. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news

Not sure about what the wonderweeks means.... My LO started sleeping badly at around 12 wks and has got worse since and is nearly 21 weeks, no sign of improvment.

I don't regret BFing but regret not introducing a bottle earlier as he will not take one now so can't get any respite at all.

He sleeps from 7 in his cot but after around 12 won't settle and he ends up sleeping on the bed next to me. Ok at the moment but once he starts to roll it just won't be a good set up. Sooooooo knackered. Woke at 9, 11 and 1 last night, took an hour to settle at one and only went off when came in our bed. Then woke at 3ish, then bright eyed and awake at 4.30 so ended up just getting up.

When will it end???????????

Fifitot, we did introduce a bottle earlier - at about 6 weeks - and DS was reasonably happy taking the odd bottle of EBM until about three weeks ago, when he suddenly refused. So introducing one earlier isn't necessarily the answer - possibly we needed to make sure he had one every day, but I just couldn't express that much in the early days when he was still cluster feeding every evening and some mornings.

Beginning to think the (French?) feminist who thinks the emphasis on exclusive BF is just another ball and chain for women has a point.

I discovered an amazing solution to the dinner going cold issue. SPOONS! I don't know why it took me so long to catch on, and it does make you look a bit daft, but oh the joy of feeding DS in a ring sling, whilst eating hot dinner and not dropping it down me. Works especially well with pasta, rice, casserole....

What is it about that magic 4 hours, my mother was horrified when I told her that he still "only" goes 1-3 hours during the day. She also doesn't understand why I feed him when his cues are looking down my top and grunting a bit, she thinks the time to feed a baby is after ten minutes of screaming the place down.

Anyhow, fingers crossed for a good night tonight ladies.

Hello,
DD1 is 18 weeks and for about 3 weeks now she has decided she no longer wants to sleep unless on my shoulder or co-sleeping.
She used to go 8pm-7am with a 2am feed (after which she would go straight back to sleep). She caught a cold and still is a bit suffley, is starting to teeth and seems to have compketely lost the ability to self-sooth (not that that happened very often previously).

I am breastfeeding - bottle refuser with cows milk protein allergy so formula not an option. So bedtimes are all up to me and i haven't had an hour to myself really for 18 weeks. We have started introducing a cup so hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel from that respect.
My 2 friends with babies of similar ages have LO who will get themselves to sleep and sleep through which makes me feel like im failing as she cant do this.

At least I am not alone and am now waiting for 20 weeks and her to sleep through!

Sorry about the typing - left hand only free!

my ds3 is just over 6 months and sleep is getting WORSE not better! i too am feeling pretty desperate.

he did sleep for 4-5 hours before 16 weeks, but then started waking more, now it is every 45mins, more in the evenings. i spend most of the evening s in his room (on MN) as when i get up he wakes again! i'm just waiting for him to let me go and clean my teeth and get dressed for bed. i am co-sleeping by choice, but would like to go back to my own bed with DH (i am in ds3's room with him). ds2 was a terrible sleeper and i ended up co-sleeping but not by choice. 3 in a bed book v good for changing your ideas about normal sleep. ds3 now worse than ds2 at this age, and i am gutted.

we have recently started solids and if anything things are worse. he is also properly crawling so is very active in the day. daytime sleep is crap too - only in a sling or on my lap really. family have given up critisising my parenting style after 3 dc, but htey all thing it's my own fault for bf...

Well, another night here where we were up every two hours. At least he's actually feeding, not faffing around, but I'm so knackered - and so cold! Wish we'd had a spring baby - the night feeds are made even harder because every time I get up to feed him I get cold, and then it takes ages to get warm again when I get back into bed. (We don't co-sleep: I can't either sleep with DS in with me or feed lying down, so I have him in a cot next to me.)

I'm feeling desperate enough to be thinking of going back to work early - at least if I just wasn't here he'd have to take a bottle, and then we could split the night shifts. This is worse than when he was new.

Well, DS is 20 weeks today. he slept SIX HOURS in a row last night... he slept 8.45pm-11.45pm, 12pm-6am!!!, 6.30am-9.30am. maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel after all!

Can I join, dd is 15 weeks and just starting this I think, she was also 2 weeks late... We ebf, co sleep etc, and like others have said, she is a daytime screamer, has to be held non stop or cries the house down, even as bad as to resort to most feeds lying down to get a proper feed in her, entrapment!, I too was holding on to the fact she slept well at night... No more!, porcelain, the ten minute screamathon pre food thoery your mum has is probably not far wrong, if she ff then she prob always had this prior to a feed, I have noticed my friends ff babies do this, its so mugh easier bfing in this respect

Well last night was better than the one before (which made me think about leaving the country and taking on a new identity in a nation far, far away...)

Last night wasn't so bad. But DS has a new thing, which is that, upon waking, if he doesn't get the boob into his mouth QUICKLY so he can start sucking himself back to sleep, he begins to scream, frantically. He's never, ever cried like that. It was a real 'ohshit' moment for me, at 2am.
I think it's cos he didn't get enough sleep during the day, yesterday. Here's hoping that a few long naps today will have him ready for a respectable night's sleep tonight...

Can I join in, briefly, as a very mature parent (ds 31, dd 29) and say that I think all your MILs & mothers are probably lying through their teeth about the perfection of their dcs. My son didn't sleep through the might until he went to school! He fed (bf) every one and a half to two hours, perhaps three hourly at night. I can't remember how long for, but probably at least 6 months

This sort of experience was common to all the other mums in the NCT PN support group I was in. So heaven knows where all those 4 hourly feeding, sleeping through the night from 4 weeks old babies were!

For the first few months, with our first babies,( who were the same age), a friend & I used to meet weekly, spend an afternoon together practically sobbing with exhaustion and swearing we would never have another...

When no. 2 came along, for the first four months she used to cry inconsolably from 8.pm to about 2 am, then no.1 woke up for the day at about 5 am. Luckily I have a partner who didn't mind getting up that early...

I promise you that it passes.

Just make a vow never to lie to your DILs

can I join? dc3 is 22w and I thought we'd done the 4 month sleep regression, but this week she's gone classic night feeding and NOT interested during the day, doesn't help that the dc1 and 2 have been at school for only 2 days in the last fortnight (ill then snow) so she is far more interested in them than boob. How can I persuade her to feed more during the day? She is genuinely hungry at night. Last night I stupidly rocked her back to sleep at 10.30pm only to be woken at 11.30 by a screaming STARVING dc3. The other 2 were never like this, although if fed dc3 is the easiest baby ever. I get her to take one side during the day, she gets distracted and then wants more an hour later, then gets distracted........

Thanks MaizeD - I know we'll get through it somehow but think I am worried as going back to work soon and scared about how I will function!

My first also gets up anytime from 5.30am which is now what I need when the baby manages to settle at 4am! I can't get a lie in!

Ahhhh, thanks all! DD is nearly 17 wks now, and a proper little chubba. Hetting her out of the basket is a pain. I think we'll give it a go with the cot, sounds good.

She has taken to waking at around 5, 530 am. Problem is that she wakes for feeding at 0330 normally, so back into basket at 0400 (unless I nod off during feeding in which case it can be later!) and then either won't go back to sleep or does for an hour and then wakes and tortures me!

Thanks Maizie - I know you're right, people just have selective memories! I am already beginning to forget what was so hard about the early weeks. Also, of course, what applies to a 3 week old baby won't apply to a 4 month old, or to an 8 month old.

I just tried to let her cry for 5 mins before going in to settle her and it has taken me and DH 40 mins to calm her down - never seen her so upset. I think we are all far to soft to try that again.
She even tricked me tonight into thinking we had turned a corner, she fell asleep at 7pm, went into her cot no problem and was asleep for 45 mins - I had even got myself a glass of wine and settled on the sofa for the x factor.

Am now back to her feeding for hours and won't be able o put her down for ages as we are both to traumatised!

Hi everyone. We had a great night last night. Slept from 10 til 5 in his cot and then came into my bed and fed and slept until 7 when he woke for another feed. I know I might get shouted down for this but I agev him some baby porridge yesterday and gave him some today mixed with banana. He loved it! Lets see how tonight goes. We're in bed at the moment snd he'e fast aleep. I can't actually believe that I'm still awake at 11pm!!. It's amazing how good 6 consecutive hours makes you feel :)
Please don't anyone kill me for saying this, it's just to let you all know that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Peanut - how old is your LO again?

Thanks Maisie! I know so many mums who have been told their babies should be sleeping through by now...but I only know one baby who knows this rule and actually does sleep through!

We had a comparatively ok night, woke 4 times between 6pm and 2am which was not great but went back to sleep ok. Woke up again at 530am but was shushed back to sleep without me getting up (it's so cooooold at night now). Up at 6am then back to sleep 7-8am. I could definitely use more sleep but it's not as bad as previous nights. Sounds like I'm having it fairly easy compared to some of you though - hope things get easier for all of us soon. I secretly worrying it will get worse :-(

My problem is that I can't decide when to feed her and when to try to rock her back to sleep. it's easier just to feed her but at 3am she wasn't properly hungry but I'd started feeding her by the time I realised that.

fifitot DS is 21 weeks. Probably a bit on the young side for solids but's showing all the signs and is always hungry!! We slept til 6am this morning :) Don't know if it is the porridge or just that he's finally past this little phase. We've had 3 weeks of feeding 3 or 4 times a night and that's been after he was sleeping though.

What time did you give him the porridge? I ask as DS approaching 6m and while I am holding off for now, I do believe he is genuinely hungry at night and am thinking about weaning soon.