Support for those FF

[galonthefarm]

Not sure if this is the best description for a thread, but basically just somewhere for anyone who is FF who did not set out to do so - to chat to others about it, as there are so many feelings involved (yes, including guilt and also relief!)

My dd (5.5 months) is now exclusively bottle fed, using up supplies of frozen ebm once a day until its gone. She was 5 weeks early and we were advised to top up from the beginning so she put on weight. Now a very chubby 15 lb plus!

There are so many different stories I've heard from friends and on here, and I think it is so important to realise you are not alone in how you feel. I don't get on here much but thought would start the ball rolling! x

Toddlerwrangler :(
That is awful, I don't know what to say except offer you a hug

He loves you unconditionallly because you're his mummy :)

Loving this thread, I was desperate to BF but just couldn't, had all the guilt, etc. Please lets keep this thread going so other new mums can see it, might help others in the same situation xx

Sorry, wrote that before I read Toddlerwranglers story. I'm so sorry you had to go through that horror. Hope you're ok, lots of love xx

MrsHavisahm - don't worry, this theard is supposed to be a hppy supportive place, so don't want to drag it down. I jsut thought people might be interested to hear why I feel so strongly about deaminising formula :)

On a sad note, the PND has long gone. It was brilliant to begin with as I wouldnt eat a thing and lost loads of weight (all baby weight and then a bit) in weeks. But now I am all better the weight has come back. SNOT FAIR!!!!

theborrower - thanks :)

Just wanted to add my story.

DD now 7 weeks old. I really wanted to breast feed and was delighted when she latched and feed immediately after birth. IT wasn't painful, it wasn't a struggle.

But despite plenty of wet and dirty nappies, a seemingly content baby she failed to gain weight. We saw 2 oz a week for 4 weeks and drop from the 50th to 2nd centile. Diagnosed with minor posterior tongue tie but not treatable on NHS locally due to being relatively insignificant (and I didn't want to seek private opionions as it was thought to only be part of the problem). We tried nipple shields, domperidone, pumping 6 times a day. After a week of that still only 3 oz gain and I was exhausted and gutted.

So we introduced formula top ups, and she gained 21 oz in 6 days. Her face has chubbed out and she is now content. I thought the constant feeding was part and parcel of BF, now she sleeps or plays for 2-3 hours between feeds. I can actually leave the sofa!!!

I'm still mix feeding and hope to for as long as possible but for us the formula has made for a much happier family all round.

bump!

I feel so down today... I moved to a new area, 200 miles from home, a year ago and have not really made many contacts, friends etc...

I did NCT to meet people, which was fab and have met 3 lovely couples, all of which are as keen to stay in contact as I am.

My baby arrived 2 weeks early and wasn't very well plus I had a very stressful time of it with trying to breastfeed etc... so haven't really been able to see them much but have made a real effort to keep in contact via email and text etc... but I missed a couple of coffee mornings etc..

Anyway, now they have all had their babies in the last 2 weeks (mine is now 5 weeks old) and they are all breast feeding, for which I am happy for them but truthfully a little bit sad and jealous for myself - not that I'd tell them that.
I also now find that they are all meeting up to go to breastfeeding groups together, which obviously I'm not able to go along to and am just feeling so left out and excluded and it all boils down to my failure to breastfeed.

My DH doesn't really get why I'm feeling so blue about this and I'm already struggling to cope and we're moving house tomorrow and I am exhausted from having a 5 week old which has a cold and won't sleep. Argh - I'm sorry for the braindump post. I just need to get it all out.

ems23

Sorry you're having a hard time. Most people don't make it to 6 months BF so do try and keep in with them. How about something non BF related, such as baby massage at a sure start center?

My God I am so glad I found this thread.
DD is two weeks old and these two weeks have been fraught with guilt and crying and expressing and indecision.

Managed to BF straight after the birth and then it all went down hill. She would get hysterical trying to latch on and would slide right off again. I would get hysterical as I could see it wasn't working and she wasn't getting what she needed. We wer both incredibly frustrated.

Then DD stopped producing wees or poos and I started to panic. After calling in midwife on emergency call one Sunday, DD was hospitalised due to severe dehydration.

Tried again to BF in hospital under guidance of midwives and still no luck despite doing everything to the letter.

They said that DD would have to have a tube up her nose. DH and I said 'no way' and if the only other option was formula then obviously we would go for formula,

They kept asking us if we were sure like we were about to feed her arsenic. It was a no brainer for us. She was dehydrated and needed to eat badly and we did NOT want a tube up her nose and down her throat. What parent wouldn't give her formula in a bottle???

I tried to assuage my guilt and sadness by expressing day and night. Rented a proper machine from NCT on our return from hospital. What with bottle feeding 6-8 times a day and expressing 8 times a day there was no time to sleep or do anything.

It wasn't manageable and if you want a good milk supply you have to express about every 2 hours. I was exhausted.

I have now made the decision that I am going to stop expressing. I need to stop beating myself up over this. Yes, I really really wanted to BF and thought it would come naturally, but my DD is putting on weight and is really alert and healthy.

I feel sad about all the pressure the midwives and doctors put me under. I was made to feel pretty crap about it all.

I have since been told that a new paper has been written about forceps births (my DD was delivered with forceps) that says they can result in babies not being able to latch on properly as the position hurts them. Don't have all the info, but found this very interesting.

Surely a healthy baby is all that matters? I tried my hardest but was not enjoying my new baby or what is meant to be a special time. I want to move on from these feelings now and get to know my daughter without the stress and anxiety.

ems - I think you should arrange to have your friends from NCT to yours for lunch or coffee. Go with them to a breast feeding group, I would feed before you go (no one need know) or take a ready mage bottle (no one need know it's not expressed). I'm the only one not EBF but the people I meet at NCT have all been really supportive about it and can see it was best for us. I didn't know anyone locally before having DD and am seeing it as an excellent opportunity to meet people.

daisystone - several people within the medical profession have said they think the BF lobby has gone too far because people who for whatever reason are unable to EBF feel this terrible guilt. They need feeding, by whatever method most suits, be that breast, formula, or mixed (which I think is drastically overlooked). I was desperately upset by my perceived failure to nourish DD. But 2 weeks on the difference mix feeding has made is unbelievable. You do what is right for you and clearly formula is what your baby needs. DO NOT feel guilty.

Daisytone - your spot on. A healthy baby is surely the goal of EVERY mother. If it takes formula to get there, then thank god for formula, thats what I say.

EMS23 I know what you mean about feeling a bit sad and jealous of your BFing friends. None of my mummy friends have had issues re BFing (although one had thrush and mastitis near the start - I remember thinking "at least your baby can latch!"). They know I had a nightmare and tried to be supportive, but I'm not sure they really understood how upsetting it was (and I'm too embarassed to tell them about the PND - they don't know). My HV and BF clinic kept asking me if I'd been to the local BFing cafe/support group but I never felt I could - I didn't feel that I belonged there, and besides, where would I have found the time inbetween trying to latch and expresing a million times a day?! Sorry, I digress. If you're not comfortable going to the BF group, can you suggest meeting up for other things? Coffee? Sing song sessions at libraries, baby massage? Perhaps you could try these things without them and maybe meet some other new mums?

I'm also sad to hear that you're feeling so blue - can you talk to your Doctor/Health Visitor?

toddlerwrangler yep, to quote another mumsnetter - "formula: the lifesaver that dare not speak its name". Where would my baby have been without it???

Hi daisystone really glad you have found this thread as yours is such a familiar story.

With both of my children I BF them for about 4 weeks and had to stop for the sake of my mental health. Formula was a life saver in every sense of the word and I feel no guilt about it now.

Glad that you have come to the decision which is right for your family, and hope you can now start to really enjoy your little baby.

sorry also meant to say Hello to EMS23 and hope you are feeling a bit better about everything today

Haven't read all the posts (please forgive me!) but it's wonderful to read of other women who couldn't breastfeed becasue they didn't produce any milk. I was beginning to think I was the only one. I had a traumatic time with DD's delivery but after she was born I literally only managed to squeeze out one drop of colostrum. That was it. I've had 3 close friends all successfully BF and I'm sure they think I'm exaggerating when I told them I couldn't (rather than didn't want to or was having problems with latching etc). I'm 37+4 with DC2 and am fully prepared to be an exclusive FF from the start with this one.

I too was someone who had always thought they would breastfeed. I won't go into my story now, but when I was really struggling with BF my DD was at the GP about something unrelated (1 week old at the time) and he asked me how the feeding was going. I told him my struggles and what he has said stuck with me - perhaps because it was what I needed to hear at the time.

He said in his experience the more content babies are those who are FF and if our families did not have a history of allergies or asmtha etc, then not to worry about feeling guilty if I decided to stop BF, as those are they key things that BF helps with. And he was a father of 3.

Burps - when I went to my 6 week check and told GP I was winding down the bfing he congratulated me for having made a decision for me and my family. I think I can finish the end of his sentence... 'without wasting my time bleating about your fecking nipples'.
He said he thought the current obsession with bf (very middle class area) was a fashion.
I know that mumsnet is definitely not the place to say this but I don't think he's wrong to be annoyed about people feeling so guilty and struggling on and on to bf and coming to see him about it.

Well, I had my first session at the pnd service today. We had a good hour and a half chat about everything (the EMCS, the awful stay on the postnatal ward, the struggles with BFing, her tongue tie, that everything was outwith my control, the guilt, the anxiety etc). I'm really glad I went along - I'd not had the chance to really have a long chat about how the whole experience had made me feel and to say all these things out loud, to someone who had heard similar things before and who understood how upsetting it can be and also to tell me and acknowledge that yes, I had been through a tough and traumatic time and that it was no wonder I was feeling upset. It's a relief to hear it and to be told that I have nothing to feel guilty about.

For any other mums out there having a tough time getting over the loss of not BFing - and it is a loss, when it's something that you wanted to do but for whatever reason have a tough time and can't - I do recommend seeing someone if you can. As she said, we need to stop looking backward and start looking forward to all the lovely things we are going to experience with our beautiful brand new babies :)

borrower 'I had an EMCS too, and sometimes felt I'd just been handed a baby that I hadn't been made to work for (!!)' - I said exactly this to DH in the weeks after DD was born - it's irrational I know but it was exactly how I felt. How old is your DC? I had DD 4.5 years ago and to be honest, I've never once referred to myself as 'giving birth to her' - I didn't. She was delivered. When I saw the specialist mw a few weeks ago (I'm hoping for a vbac) I just felt so validated by her comments - she told me that I'd been through a trauma, it was entirely normal for me to still get upset about what happened. She said when these things happen, to everyone else you appear to have got over it, but that's because you're focused on looking after your baby and all the practical stuff. Plus no-one who hasn't been through your experience can begin to understand how you feel. Thankfully I was lucky and didn't suffer with PND, so I'm really pleased for you that you're finding help.

maxpower thank you for your kind message :) DD is about 4 and a half months (I'm starting to lose track of weeks now!)

Yep, all of that is exactly what she was saying to me today :)

Re the birth thing - I said I didn't feel like I had given birth (when the HV said to me once "You gave birth, that's amazing" I wanted to reply "No, I didn't") and even though it seemed silly to be upset because the procedure wasn't even that dramatic, and people had been through much worse than me (I wasn't that far dilated so it wasn't a screeching down the corridor in a trolley thing at all - I walked to the op theatre) I couldn't help feeling that way, irrational though it seemed. She said that it was - it was a shock, everything was taken out of my control, I had a terrible postnatal stay etc.

I do hope you get your vbac, but if not, remember that a safe baby at the end is the most important thing :)

borrower I promise you, the irrational feelings of failure do fade over time. Glad your appt seems to have gone well. Stick with it, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be dealing with the emotion of your birth experience along with PND. This time round, I feel far more prepared on all fronts and hopefully I'll have more control over what's going on be it vbac or another cs. Like you say, a healthy baby is all that's important at the end of the day.

What a wonderful thread - I was (am) very pro-breast feeding but I struggled with both my boys. DS1 was 5lb9 at birth (1oz lighter and we would have been kept in transitional care as a 'low birthweight') by day three he was under 5lb we were re-admitted and went on a feed/pump/top up routine that was a killer. By 1month he was back at birth weight but static. I was exhausted he looked emaciated (I have photos and there wasn't an inch of fat on him he looks so ill) and I was so relieved when the HV told me he needed formula top ups - needless to say he soon gained weight and we never looked back. I carried on mixed feeding for another month but then gave up. The whole experience was traumatic and to be honest stopped me bonding intially as I just saw DS1 as a worry/struggle to feed. Had DS2 6 weeks ago he was 6lb 1oz and dropped to 5lb 13 - I started expressing etc to up supply but got so stressed was relived when we were sent for a review at the hospital and told that formula top ups were suggested - to be honest I almost had flash backs of the horrid experience with DS1. After a long chat with a MW one day she helped me see that FF was best for our family situation if it meant I was more relaxed and my mental health was supported - BF may be nutritionally best but what was important was the health of the whole family as I was getting really upset that I literally couldn't move from the bed/sofa and DS2 was still not gaining weight. At my 6 week check the GP said when I told I'd given up BF that what was important was the families health rather than whether I was BF. My conclusion is that BF is great if it works for you but what's important is the bigger picture and hopefully well fed child means happier mum and happier family.

Hello all, have read this thread on and off over the last few days and it has really helped me.
I was so determined to BF, and felt enormous pressure to do so.
I have been struggling to BF my son (2.5weeks old) and have been through the mill after struggling to get him to feed at all for the first 2 days, I was in agony every time he fed despite him being latched on correctly etc. Turns out he had posterior tongue tie (which was snipped on tues) - every day up til that point was a battle and I could feel myself slipping into depression - crying inconsolably for hours on end and dreading each feed.
In my head i had earmarked the day of the TT as D-Day - if I could just get there, then things would improve and we would never look back.
However a few days before I was getting shooting pains in my nipples and they were a bit itchy, but just put it down to how DS was feeding due to his TT.
When DS was being assessed b consultant they advised he had thrush and with my symptoms so did I.
Sooooo, when we got home of course our problems were not over, cue me not being able to feed for more than a couple of minutes and crying through every one of them (feeling guilty for unlatching him etc).

In addition to this BF counsellor and consultant both commented that Ds has slight receding chin from TT and BF counsellor said I MUST EBF for 6 months to resolve this Another thing for me to feel guilty about, but there is no way I can imagine BFing for 6 more days let alone months!!
Midwife came round yesterday and was the first one who said that I needed to make a decision that was right for my family (which includes ME) and that if BF was causing me this much distress and pain then I shouldn't feel bad about making the decision to switch to FF.
I think I have made that decision now, though still very down and feel like I'm not doing very well/being a wimp.
Does anyone have any advice how to switch over to EFF from BF. We have already been giving 2x3oz bottle over night to give my nipples a rest, and as mentioned before have been topping up since yesterday at almost every feed.
my breasts felt v engorged last night so am worried that will get mastitis. I have tried expressing but for some reason i can only get about 2.5oz after pumping for 30/40 mins which isn't enough for a full feed!

any advice greatly received. I have started a thread asking for advice too x

sorry for long post