Support for those FF

[galonthefarm]

Not sure if this is the best description for a thread, but basically just somewhere for anyone who is FF who did not set out to do so - to chat to others about it, as there are so many feelings involved (yes, including guilt and also relief!)

My dd (5.5 months) is now exclusively bottle fed, using up supplies of frozen ebm once a day until its gone. She was 5 weeks early and we were advised to top up from the beginning so she put on weight. Now a very chubby 15 lb plus!

There are so many different stories I've heard from friends and on here, and I think it is so important to realise you are not alone in how you feel. I don't get on here much but thought would start the ball rolling! x

Hi FunnyInTheGarden :)

I nearly got beaten down (been a fair few threads to keep me busy!), but this thread has spurred me to keep on going at it!

I am determined that not one single mother will be made to feel the way I felt when I 'failed' BF and started forumla feeding. Not one.

am glad to see this thread back up. I lost it there for a while.

I BF my first DD for 7 weeks and hated every minute of it. My other 4 children were all FF from day one. If anybody asked I just told them I was FF because I didn't want to BF. It was said in such a way that the person asking normally changed the subject.
I never felt guilty for FF and to this day still believe it was the best for me and my children.

Hello, can I join this thread too? :)

I've already told my BFing/FFing story under other threads so I don't want to bore anyone by repeating it (see Ed Miliband / Apitmil thread), and while I said to myself I would stay away from this forum to avoid 'picking at the scab' I'm really glad to see this thread surface.

In fact, someone suggested I read this excellent blog, you might want to see it too fearlessformulafeeder.blogspot.com/

I admit that I'm not quite over the fact that I 'failed' at BFing, but I DO know that I'm happier than I was when we struggling through it, and whenever I start to feel a bit sorry for myself I remind myself of that. The first 8 weeks of my baby's life were really difficult, full of tears and frustration and really got in the way of my bonding with her, but unfortunately I can't go back and change that. While I'd love to BF my next baby (let's hope there will be one) I don't think I'd put myself and our family through it again.

How do people reply when you are asked "Are you BFing? / How's the feeding going?" etc etc. I know people probably mean well and assume I'm BFing and just think it's an easy question, but I find myself going "Oh, we're not really, it's been a bit of a disaster blah blah blah" when I don't really want to go into details (and I'm sure they don't want me to!).

theborrower - please dont avoid this forum :( , whilst I fully support the compaign of the pro BF bregaide to ensure evryone knows about the additional health benefits of BF, and for thier right to feed when and where they want without dissapproving looks, I do NOT think this should be achieved by belittling and demonising everything to do with formula. We need to be here to put our point across as well.

I diddnt bond with ALf till I started to formula feed. Fact. I refuse to be ashamed of this. If I read one more post about bF bing the 'best' way to bond I WILL scream.

This is NOT the BF forum - this is the BF AND FF forum!

hi toddlerwangler - yep, me too. Once our relationship became less about a struggle for me to bf her and feeling like a crap mummy, I could start to enjoy her and spend some quality time with her getting to know her rather than being stuck on the pump :)

"I diddnt bond with ALf till I started to formula feed. Fact. I refuse to be ashamed of this. If I read one more post about bF bing the 'best' way to bond I WILL scream."

I didn't bond with my EBF DS1 for quite a few weeks due to non-feeding but horrible circumstances.

Whatever the reason, it's quite common and horrible when it's happening, but as you say, nothing to be ashamed of. BFing is a lovely way to bond if it works ok but if not, it just makes the first few weeks, which are awful no matter what, so much worse. And obviously FFing parents bond beautifully, either immediately or in time, as BFing mums bond immediately or in time. My DH doesn't need to BF to adore our DSs so why should a mum?

:)

Jazzie Another one here with "thumbs up" for your last paragraph. So sad and yet I feel I "can't" jump in to a thread and say "don't worry about it, give him some formula". :(

I hope I can post here as a BFer - I struggled long and hard to establish EBF, for me and mine it was worth it.

The point I want to make is we in this country, this era are lucky enough to have a choice - a choice that means babies live that otherwise wouldn't have done BUT choices bring opinions and therefore agro.

It is possible to have 2 conflicting views in your head - breast is best BUT for many, it isn't! At risk of getting majorly flamed, to me it's a bit like single parents - probably(?) most people would say it's best for a child to have 2 parents, but often it's not like that and single parents do as just as good a job.

That's life, it's complicated.

If there's one thing that gets on my tits (excuse the pun) it's people who judge - on anything, ever - it's NOT THEIR BUISNESS.

Catdoctor - agree 100% with the judging thing!

organiccarotcake - great post.

Very pleased to see this thread is here - and hello to those of you who were also on the Ed Millband thread! Thanks for the links to the FF blog - great site - and to the WHO FF guidelines. Off to feed DD. Hopefully back later . A

This is a fantastic thread and, like so many others, I wish I'd found it a month ago. My 6 week old DS is EFF now, after a horrific labour, emergency c-section and DS spending 3 days in Neonates with mucus and feeding problems. He just wouldn't latch properly - would get easily frustrated and then extremely upset. Initially, because of the mucus issues, he was fed with a nasal tube and then by cup and syringe. I desperately wanted to BF, and expressed for 3 weeks until my doctor, who had diagnosed me with PND and was prescribing anti-d's, told me to stop as because of the tiny amounts DS was getting (1.5ish feeds worth per day) meant that the stress was more detrimental to me, thne helpful to him. I agonised over the FF, but when it came down to it, my baby was hungry and needed feeding. Now, 6 weeks on, he is a thriving, happy wee thing, who has gained weight well, sleeps well, and is generally very content. It has also meant that DH has been able to be a champion and do several full nights worth of feeding when my PND insomnia has been bad enough for me to have to take a sleeping tablet. Given the PND, I don't know how we would have coped if I was b/feeding through the worst of the depression, as it's been DH's support that has been so valuable through these weeks. This has turned a bit rambly, but hopefully you get the gist!

Well done Worrisome!! big hugs xxx

As others have said - thank god for this thread, I'm so glad I've found you all. I think I need to write all this down to start getting over it so if you don't mind me telling my story...

My DD1 is 3.5 weeks old and I, like many others here, was always going to breastfeed her. I read all the books, have always been pro breast feeding and am sad to admit that I may even have been a bit judgey of people who FF because I naively thought it was always a choice and breast feeding, being the natural thing to do, was easy to do so why wouldn't you. What the hell did I know?!

I didn't buy any formula or bottles as I didn't need a "just in case". I was going to BF and that was that.

DD1 was born two weeks early, weighing 5lbs 7oz, with severely low blood sugar. She had to be tube fed for the first 48 hours because I refused point blank to let them give her a bottle.
When she came off the tube, I tried and I tried to breastfeed. I stayed in hospital for 4 nights trying to learn how with the help of the midwives and breast feeding counsellors, much to the dismay of my DH and my stepson, who wanted us home. I would've been allowed home had I gone to formula but I refused, even when my baby developed jaundice and lost 8% of her birth weight.

They finally let me home after I managed to latch her on but even then, it had only been with the help of the midwives and she would only suck for a minute or two before getting sleepy or losing her energy for it.

At home, for two days and nights I tried to feed her. You've clearly all been there, you'll know the drill - her screaming hungry 24 hours of the day, me sobbing because I couldn't latch her on, her screaming and shaking her head and getting so upset but still physically unable to latch on to me.

My wrists are so damaged, I can now barely hold her - by day 6 I had bruises up my arms and god knows how her poor little neck felt, being held in that vice like grip while she squirmed and wriggled to try and get away from it.

So anyway, on day 6 after the midwife visit and being told that she had lost yet more weight, was still jaundiced and still had black poo and would have to return to hospital if things didn't improve within the next 2 days I sent my DH to get the bottles and formula, feeling like the biggest failure in the world. I was already feeling like a failure because she was a forceps birth. I know how ridiculous that is now but in my post-labour haze I had got it into my head that because I hadn't been able to push her out myself, I had "failed" at the first test of motherhood. (NCT has a lot to answer for on that seed being planted in my head).

I still feel horrible for giving her formula, even though in my heart and my head I know it's the best thing for her. Not only was she being damaged but I was spiralling into the blackest thoughts I've ever had. I hadn't bonded with her and I was terrified of her.

I hate that I feel this way and I thought I was the only one who had been through this. Even now, I'm struggling to cope to be honest but this thread has helped me so much - thank you.

WorrisomeHeart - we met on another thread, good to see you and glad to hear your wee one is doing well. How are you doing?

EMS23 - I know what you mean about feeling that you had failed at the "first test of Motherhood" - I had an EMCS too, and sometimes felt I'd just been handed a baby that I hadn't been made to work for (!!). While I know it's not logical to feel that way, feelings don't work that way do they? And the safest way to have a baby is the best way. But remember - we grew a human inside us and that's pretty damn amazing, so we didn't fail at all :)

I didn't do NCT classes but I'm now really glad I didn't - would probably have been a huge waste of money the way things worked out! :)

I'm so pleased to have found this thread.

When my DD1 was born three years ago, I was very determined to BF. DD1 had other ideas: she wouldn't latch on, screamed day and night and I was losing the plot. After a few days, we realised she hadn't done a wee for days, and her lips were very dry, and on the advice of the postnatal ward, we took her to A and E. She'd lost 20 per cent of her body weight and was pale and listless. I nearly killed her. She was given fluids and antibiotics intravenously (they suspected an infection) as well as a bottle of formula. She immediately went a lovely pink colour. During the two days spent in hospital, I received no help with bf, until finally a bf mw came to visit, who told me off - no over-dramatisation - for giving formula. Against all the odds, however, I mixed fed for 6.5 months.

18 mo later, I became quite ill, and for a time couldn't look after DD1 as I was too poorly. In my mind, it brought back all those feelings of having failed at bfing, and I became depressed. I wanted to leave my family; I felt such a failure.

DD2 is now 3 weeks old. Again, I was determined. After four days of 10-hour feeding sessions, I sent DH out for formula and bottles. I'm still bfing, but I've failed, yet again, to ebf. I feel I can't ask for help either as I'm topping up.

I should be grateful that DD2 is so far thriving, but the feelings of failure won't leave me.

Thank god for this thread! It has saved my sanity! My DS1 is 3.6 weeks and now totally formula fed.

Like many of the other posters, I was very pro-bf but it wasn't to be. It wasn't my boy's fault, he had a perfect latch (with the aid of a nipple shield) and I was producing plenty of milk but large boobs and very flat nipples made it a painful process for me despite lots of help from the midwives.

My baby lost over 10% of his birth weight in the first week and the midwives said he needed to be topped up with formula. Once he had had a bottle he wouldn't go back onto the breast without a fight - he found it too much like hard work! - and frankly I was glad to have an excuse to stop and end the pain.

I have felt extremely guilty about stopping and have cried on and off about it ever since but it was definitely the right decision for me. I needed an extra pair of hands to help get him in the right position and latched on comfortably which was fine when I was in the hospital with the midwives or with my husband on paternity leave but how is that practical long term??

theborrower - I know exactly what you mean, I ended up with an ELCS and formula so everything I learned at NCT classes has been totally irrelevant to me!!

NCT was irrelevant full stop. I made a few friends, which is fab and made it worthwhile going but I learnt nothing I didn't already know and in hindsight, I wish they'd taught me some stuff they could easily have included but didn't.
I think my particular course instructor was a bit rubbish so not the fault of NCT as an organisation, just my bad luck to get their most disorganised instructor!

theborrower - are we actually crazy? My DD had to be assisted with forceps as I was exhausted and her tiny head wasn't putting enough pressure on my birth canal to squeeze her through - a common problem with low birthweight babies I now know. She was getting distressed and her heart rate was dropping.
Your child needed an EMCS, presumabely for your and her safety.
Yet, here we are, feeling like failures for not getting them here "naturally". Surely we agreed to these methods of delivery because that was what was safest for us and our children? What is "un natural" about that?

This thread is giving me a good chance to explore and rationalise my feelings over all of this - thank you to all of you, it's really helping me.

EMS23 Your NCT course instructor sounds just like mine! I agree NCT did not really teach me anything new and could have covered much more. You really don't need a 6 x 3 hour sessions just to cover labour and delivery...

I've been reading your stories avidly , ladies - and those on fearlessformulafeeder and sitting here sobbing.

Why are we so hard on ourselves - why is't loving our babies and doing our best for them enough?

I don't know why we're so hard on ourselves, I wish I could answer that :(

I've just been referred to the local PND service. I thought I was getting on with things ok but I know I have my moments when I just go over things in my mind and that I'm finding it hard to put things behind me so I had a chat with the doctor and health visitor and we thought it would be a good idea for me to talk through everything with someone to try and do that. If anyone else is still finding it hard, it may be worth doing too.

theborrower - whislt I am obviously sad you have PND, I am really please you have offered the chance to talk through things rather then just having pills shoved down your neck.

I never really have got 'over' my inital start with Alf.

The baby in the delivery suite next to mine died a few minuites after alf was born. All I could hear was the mother and family sobbing and sobing and sobbing hysterically, it was the most horrid start and I suddelny becsme conviced Alf was jsut going to die, and it would be all mu fault because I diddnt know what I was doing :( . I was also PETRIFIED he would cry and the mum would hear him ... in my hormone post birth brain all I wanted was for him to be quiate, rather then to pick him up and cuddle him. I will NEVE forgive myself for that. Then I stupidly went home after four hours (first baby) and of course he screamed all night, Mr T lost it a bit and told me I diddnt know what I was doing which of course pressed an already very tender button, I then stayed up four days and nights solid just to make sure he diddnt die, exaustion and hysteria kicked in, I bottled BF as again I was convinced I diddnt know what to do, I then diddnt know what the hell to do with formula (please see all my rants about the lack of info mae available to mums on FF) and the rest is very sad history that ended in suspected pulmenory psychosis (thankfully it never quite got its grips on my), AD's, suicidal thoughts (I wrote a note and everything) and a near miss admission to local mother and baby mental health unit :(

I still worry every day that he doesnt love me because of the shit start :(

I hope you manage to be a bit kinder to yourself when you have talked things through - make the most of it, as I know it is hard to open up about these things xxx (I dont give a shit if cuddles and kisses are frowned upon)

oh toddler how completely awful . sending you love and hugs XXX

Thanks Cardamominger. First time I have ever written it all down :(

I forgot to add the bits where my nipples were bleeding so badly that he (apprently) took in alot of blood and had a huge vomiting fit, so we ended up in A and E at four days old (my confidence crashed even more at this posint) , and that was when I started begging and pleeding my MW for information and 'permission' to bottle ffed him as my confidence was to an all time low, and all I got was exasperated huffs and puffs about how I should stick with the BF.

Sorry, I dont mean to go on.