Support for those FF

[galonthefarm]

Not sure if this is the best description for a thread, but basically just somewhere for anyone who is FF who did not set out to do so - to chat to others about it, as there are so many feelings involved (yes, including guilt and also relief!)

My dd (5.5 months) is now exclusively bottle fed, using up supplies of frozen ebm once a day until its gone. She was 5 weeks early and we were advised to top up from the beginning so she put on weight. Now a very chubby 15 lb plus!

There are so many different stories I've heard from friends and on here, and I think it is so important to realise you are not alone in how you feel. I don't get on here much but thought would start the ball rolling! x

Thanks so much for directing me here - I already feel a lot better and less alone! In answer to your question on the other thread re. my low milk supply, my son had breathing probs when he was born and was in special care for a short while, but long enough for my milk to fail to come in and it's never really come sufficiently.

:(

Well you're certainly not alone. I'm an EBF (exclusive breast feeder, if you don't know Mumsnet's acronyms) so this isn't where I hang out usually (although I've had a few FF answers here when I needed them) so I'll leave you in peace, but as I said, you'll be welcome here.

And if you do decide to mix feed, there's plenty of advice available on that, too. :)

Thank you for this thread! I expected to be an exclusive BF er for 6 months but DD was a "sleepy baby" from mild jaundice & kept falling asleep instead of feeding so was advised to BF then feed EBM then top up with formula. She still falls asleep instead of feeding when on the breast so I express and formula feed & use breast feeding for releasing happy hormones. I can't see how much she's getting on the breast and she lost a bit too much weight initially so much prefer to see how much she is eating, but I still feel guilty about it!
Must grow a spine, it is fab that formula exists & there is much more to being a mummy than breast feeding so NER to BF bullies (ooh I am so brave when anonymous tee hee).

Any tips on how to respond to the inevitable comments/looks from BF'ers? I am about to head out with new DS and am a bit worried - know I shouldn't be!

I didn't get any dozza (and I was paranoid about expressed milk in a bottle to start with). I got one from a bf counsellor at a baby group I went to but actually I think it was because I hadn't even mentioned I'd been having problems with bf.
I'm feeling really angry with dh today about my cessation of bf earlier than I'd planned. He always would say he wanted me to but then was never there and I had to do all the cooking/cleaning etc from when he went back to work. It was really manic and awful when he went back to work and then he got stuck in Spain with the ash cloud (and he'd been out there the week before too). We were moving house too and I did most of that by myself. I'm angry that I never had the time to make bf work and that he didn't know that. Being angry with him is really unfair I know but I can't shake it at the moment.

I had planned to EBF - bought all the gear - was convinced it was the best thing. Another incentive was that DH has asthma and I felt a duty to protect our child.

I never even thought about FF as I didn't like the idea of having to sterilise bottles etc - TBH I think it was a sort of laziness in a way as I thought I'd just be able to whip out a booby and all would be well.

I'd been warned it hurt - but also read up that 'if it hurts, the baby isn't latching on correctly' - so I thought, once you get the hang of it, it can't be that bad...

Birth was a rather traumatic experience - I never wanted an epidural or a C section (was terrified of both) but in the end the emcs was actually the best thing. I was so glad to have our baby at last. The whole birth ordeal was over. (or so I thought... actually still get choked up about how inadequate I felt, hearing the woman screaming next door, and me not able to do it)

Anyway... that was over, I felt, now I know what to do... BF - I can do this... I had read up all the BF theory, watched the video, you name it!!!

And I found it hurt like hell, was really fiddly, my hands were sweating, baby was wriggling and screaming and going red, I had the end tubes from the drips still attached to both my hands flapping about and hitting the baby's head, all around me on the postnatal ward the sound of other women BF successfully (or so I thought!) and to top it all, I had the worry of the baby's blood sugar dropping and him fitting - he was taken off me for a few formula top-ups and I was so worried that would make it impossible for me to keep up or that he wouldn't want my milk after the formula.

Expressing looked painful. I tried it when I got home- it wasn't so bad but my nipples were so sore, it wasn't comfortable and it certainly wasn't a nice way to spend time. I wanted to be attached to my baby, not some creaking machine. My breasts were starting to get these odd hard lumps as well and going really hard - I new this was probably just engorgement but I felt out of control and frankly frightened by it all.

A MW I spoke to on the phone laughed when I said I was expressing and said I might as well just give up and FF. That was just the kind of comment that I didn't need - totally demotivating - I stopped BF after that. DS was 4 days old. I just felt like there was no point, I couldn't do it, would never be able to keep up with my DS's needs and it hurt too much.

Reading this thread has helped me so much - I was coming to terms with EFF - but still having real down moments - especially when washing bottles - we don't have a dishwasher so have to do it all by hand, maybe that's best anyway for hygiene reasons, I don't know - but I was thinking I would stick a photo of my DS by the sink so that I could be reminded of him when doing this, instead of imagining how I would have to explain myself to all my friends and getting really teary...

I have felt so guilty and inadequate, and angry with myself for making what I feel at times to be the wrong decision on and off over the last 6 weeks. I have felt trapped -there is no going back. Have found it difficult when for example my breasts ached. They tingled for a bit in week 2/3 - I found out I could still have given DS some BF milk then but I just couldn't face the massaging, the pumping etc... and felt guilty... and even now wonder if I should have tried to turn it around - even though I know I would have hated it. Had a dream the other night that I was hand massaging and managing to get milk out. I still wear a bra at night as am still sore - think this might be because DS is quite a wriggler at times and so all of me gets a bit of a bashing when burping him etc - he is quite a headbutter!

I love the lists on here of things people like about FF. There are many times when I love it too. Most of all I love being able to get some decent blocks of sleep at night and naps in the afternoon.

I just hope and pray that none of this comes back to bite me - that my son will not get some awful illness as a result of my giving up BF. But on the other hand - a) there are some things you can't control - and b) I was FF and I have no health problems - thank God. I just have to tell myself that I am doing my best by my child and that we will be OK.

I think the hardest thing has been matching reality with my expectations. Maybe if I am lucky and have another child, it will be different. But I know I have to live in the present and enjoy what I have.

fireflyz i understand why you feel as you do, but you really do need to pick yourself up and dust yourself off here. Your little boy is going to do just fine on formula.

Your job as his mother is only just beginning and in the scheme of things whether you breastfed or formula fed him will be the least of your worries. Seriously, just wait until he is 14 and brings home his first girlfriend who has a skirt that is too short and too much eye makeup. Whether you gave him formula or breastfed him will be the last thing on your mind!

The breast is best advertising campaign really has a lot to answer for. It has created this mythology surrounding breastfeeding that somehow it is always easy, convenient and somehow what real mothers do. It is not. It can be hard, painful, uncomfortable and inconvenient.

Real mothers come in all shapes, sizes and feeding choices.

fireflyz please don't give yourself such a hard time. Your baby will be fine, whether BF or FF. I agree that the 'breast is best' has a lot to answer for. Breast feeding is great if it works out, but if it doesn't, don't feel you have failed. You haven't.

Enjoy your new baby and feed him in the best way you can. BTW hormones have a lot to answer for. You may feel wretched for a few days about not BF, but it will pass!

i've not managed to read the whole thread yet (bout two thirds thru) but I'd just like to say 'hello' and i wish i could hug you all. What a brilliant thread and how i wish i had read it 6 weeks ago when i had mastitis, baby blues and guilt guilt guilt at wanting to stop bfing my 2 week old. I was sobbing with pain over my baby's head and he was (still is) a hungry baby. I started to resent him, dreaded him waking up, hated going into my bedroom as i associated it with such pain and stress. My husband and i argued because i tried to tell him that i was feeling distant from our son and he got very cross and i felt so isolated from him. (We talked all this thru after and it had completely terrified him.). And loads of other stuff too lengthy to go into. But the guilt and the enormity of the decision were killing me. Eventually it was a choice between bfing or my relationships with my husband and son and obviously i chose them. We became, and remain, a much happier house. But the guilt took ages to go away, despite the fact that i had always said i would try bfing rather than do it no matter what. There is so little proper support for ff mothers, its ridiculous. Anyway i almost cried with delight when i saw this thread a couple of weeks ago. Some people have described exactly how i felt, it was such a relief for me (and for dh too) to read and get some closure. Sorry for long ramble but i've wanted to do this for a while. :-)

By the way i just want to make clear my relationship with ds is totally back on track - was from the moment i stopped bfing. I can't get enough of him. He is completely ace, healthy and happy.

By the way i just want to make clear my relationship with ds is totally back on track - was from the moment i stopped bfing. I can't get enough of him. He is completely ace, healthy and happy.

Hi, just been rereading this whole thread and want to offer everyone a festive hug

While this thread always brings tears to my eyes as there are so many sad stories, I'm also really glad it's here because it makes me realise (and I hope it makes you do too) that we're not the only ones and there's comfort in that - we're not alone. The feelings I had near the start that I was a terrible mum and a complete failure were partly because I thought it was just me. Being surrounded by all my BFing friends who seemed to be managing fine made me feel isolated and I felt it marked me out as failure and different.

Fireflyz made a really good point when she said: "I think the hardest thing has been matching reality with my expectations."

Exactly. No one tells you how hard it can be. All the books, classes etc, with their lovely pictures of cuddling mums and babies wiht big smiles on their faces, tell you that it's natural but NOT that it's not always instinctive, and that it doesn't always work. I remember looking at the info, trying to get baby to latch, and everything basically said all problems could be easily resolved with a better latch and I thought "What if your baby won't and can't?!". I felt like there was no info on my situation or to help someone like me, no info on what to do if you HAD to supplement etc. I called the Breastfeeding helpline once, and while the woman was lovely, she just didn't seem to understand and her advice about lots of skin to skin and going to bed just didn't cut it.

Anyway, sorry, just had another ramble. Just wanted to support new posters and say that you're not alone - we understand!

I once met a mum at a baby group who when talking to a new mum who was struggling with bf said 'It didn't work for us (her and her son) either but he's thriving and we're happy now.'
I thought she was so amazing to just be able to say it like that with none of the usual explanations. She'd just accepted it and was over it.

Felt quite proud of myself today. Took DS to a breastfeeding cafe as had to get his tongue looked at by a BF consultant (had tongue-tie procedure last week).

I was edging around the room as I knew I was going to be asked 'how is the feeding going', but then I thought 'sod it, I would never feel like I had to give a reason if I was breastfeeding so why should I feel like I have to justify myself?!'. So, when they asked I simply replied 'I don't breastfeed - it didn't work out for us' and left it at that. The consultant just said 'that's absolutely fine' and got on with checking my son.

I felt like I'd really achieved something for my self esteem!! I really don't think I would have done this befor reading this thread, so thank you all for your posts! Next stop...NCT 'Early Days' classes in Jan...watch this space!

well done dozza. There really is no need to explain how you feed your baby. Just the old mindfuck that can be BF making you want to grin and say oh yes I'm still feeding him/her and it's going swimmingly

Bump as I noticed some FF posts over the last few days...

Happy New Year everyone.
Thank you so much for your supportive comments, it really means a lot. Will re-read whenever feel down (still do sometimes but getting better).
I went to see a pal from parenting class yesterday- she ebf and was interested to know what ff is like. Not judgemental at all.
It was the first time feeding DS outside our house. Bit nervewracking to be 'on show' iyswim but it felt good to come out of the closet! :)

And it went fine. Just like normal. A few wails, wriggles and burps... but all OK.
Onwards and upwards!

Hi everyone. Bit of background story. I have one DS (2.4) who i completely intended to BF. Went into labour, had emcs and tried first feed. DS went blue, stopped breathing and had to be recusitated. I continued on for the rest of the day and night, for him to be screaming (M/W told me it was hunger and i wasn't feeding properly) me crying and just not a happy time, while m/w just grabbed a boob and shoved it in. I got no advice, no help, no encouragement. The next morning i tried a few more feeds then basically said "give me a bottle". Funnily enough, the head m/w came along and helped me with everything, spoke to me and generally treated me with respect unlike boob stuffer. I kept with formula and now i have a cheeky, healthy and strong as an ox little boy who hardly ever gets ill and always has a smile on his face.

Im due DD (according to scan!) on the 8th of february and im considering just feeding her on colostrum for first feed then going to bottles. The bond between me and DS was fantastic. I knew he was happy and healthy, and i could just sit there and stare at him, stroke his cheek etc and be all blissful. It also meant my DH could help with the feeds and he has an amazing bond with DS too.

I'm in no way against BF or FF in anyway, but i just look at my son and think that making an unpopular choice didn't damage him in any way. FF was perfect for me and my family, and with this little one i know that even if i do end up EFF then she'll be fine. I'll bond with her just the same as i would have if BFing.

There should be no guilt. I still wish i had managed to bf properly, but thats in the past. You don't do anything to deprive your child, you're not being selfish. You're doing the best that you can and that should be congratulated. A happy baby and a happy mummy are all positives in my book, it doesn't matter where the nourishment comes from.

I had bad pnd after DS was born due to manner of birth and i believe that feeling like i was a failure at doing something thats meant to be natural was a major factor too. I want to be able to put that aside and enjoy my dd, not feel bad about a decision that in the end, didn't impact on my sons welfare whatsoever.

First DD was C-section but despite overwhelming tiredness and no support whatsoever in the late 70s, BF for three - four months until I developed abcess on left side and sore nipple on other side as DD not getting enough milk through.

District Nurse suggested I switch to FF. Best decision ever at the time. For the record, DD went on to BF her own children. Second child being FF occasionally too.

By my second DD, I'd already made the decision to FF after the last time. You do forget the pain of labour but not the pain of mastitis. Even three years on.

As it turned out, second DD had several allergies from birth and had to be switched to soya milk. I was told BF wouldn't have helped, we would still have had to go to soya milk. Thrived on FF and the only drawback wasn't discovered until much later - soya milk in the 80s didn't have added calcium. Teeth are 'softer' and joints painful from time to time. I do feel guilty at the lack of calcium but at the time, who knew.

Now this 2nd DD, after a bad few weeks with pre-eclampsia and testing positive for swine flu, had first baby by emergency C-section and as such has decided to FF to enable getting back to health more quickly.

:) A healthy mum is better for a little one however he/she is fed. Best wishes to BFs and FFs everywhere. :)

I wish I had read this thread weeks ago! I've read lots of threads in feeding while I've been struggling with BFing over the last 2 months and posted a few, desperate for help and got some good advice but still haven't turned a corner, every feed is still toe-curlingly painful.

8 wk old DD has had one FF a day since the early days (supply issues, my milk took over a week to come in and she lost quite a lot of weight so had FF top ups to start with) and I've just upped that to 2, i'm going to try to express 2 which means only doing 3 BF feeds myself per day. I think I can handle that and maybe less time on the boob will help them heal. Also on 2nd round of anti-b's for mastitis, have a huge lump in the left side which i think is a blockage and I'm sure is affecting supply cos she bobs around on it a lot as she's getting started and seems suck and pull extra hard (ow!).

Really interesting to read that pain seems to follow no chane to boobs during pregnancy - that was me, exactly the same throughout and even now (apart from the cracks, lumps and being red raw!)

I'm gutted that I haven't been able to EBF, but at the moment I'm mainly just sick of thinking and worrying about feeding all the time, dreading every feed and being in pain. I've freaked myself out by reading loads of stuff about compromising the virgin gut and worried about the harm i've done her already but I'm coming to realise that I can't actually do it and just need to find away to make it work for us. I longed for a baby for years, will prob not have another (am q old!) and just want to appreciate how lucky I've been and enjoy her. Plus there'll bs so many things to worry about, this is just the beginning and I can't be floored like this by everything that comes along.

Anyway, sorry for the long rambling post. Thanks for the thread and here's to happier feeds!

Don't feel bad for maybe giving up on the BF or even EBF. What's more important is having a happy you and happy DD. Give yourself a break and consider whether to change to FF, full time.

NB don't believe everything you read in books and on the web. Done it myself. So easy to get into information overload.

All the best. :)

Bump (my very first for MamaMary

Hope you found your way here!

ooops missed a )

Thanks Funnys. That thread over in AIBU is a bit strange isn't it...

Hello everyone else - I'm new here. My DD had her first taste of formula two days ago. She doesn't much like it :(

I have avoided posting in the BF/FF board (for reasons mentioned on said AIBU thread - mainly that I will be made to feel guilty about introducing formula and encouraged to stick to BF only -) but I have been seeking a bit of emotional support this week as I'm trying to move from exclusive BF to a mixture of solids, breastmilk and formula :(

DD is almost 6 months.

Going to bed now but will be back again tomorrow.

Hello Mama glad you found us. Your DD wil be fine, as well you know. Mixed feeding is a really good way for you both to get used to formula. I found mixed feeding quite lovely, although I was very sad to stop EBF DS2.

Very best of luck. I will look in tomorrow to see how you are doing. Have a good night.

And yes, that thread was very odd. Don't let it get to you though