Boarding for a less academic boy

Whyisitalwaysraining1 · 2023-12-29T16:18:38+00:00

I’ve always liked the idea of giving my kids the option to board when they are old enough. I never boarded (went to a comprehensive) and neither did my husband so I’m wondering where to start. My son is in year 3 but I know a lot of places select at 11 I think so I know this will come around soon enough and I’d like to get organised. The thing is the prestigious boarding schools I’ve heard of, the likes of Marlbrough, Eton etc seem to be very academically selective and competitive. My son is a super nice kid but goes to a middle of the road prep school (didn’t get in anywhere very academic at 7+). He has some hobbies and plays sport but not to an elite level. Learns piano but is decidedly average. Basically he’s an average, nice kid. Academically ok for his age but not above average in anything. Scholarships or anything will definitely be off the table as he doesn’t have any particular talents as of yet, and I’m fine not to hot house him as he’s a nice kid and happy enough. Any ideas where might be a fit for boarding after common entrance age? Budget not really an issue, other sibling has SEN and would not board so there’s enough in the pot for him to go anywhere really. Or he can just stay at a London day school and may still choose to, but I’d like for him to have the option

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 16:26

Sherborne is lovely!

PTSDBarbiegirl · 29/12/2023 16:32

What is your reason for wanting him to live at the school when you didn't?

SeattleSpacePlane · 29/12/2023 16:34

You've said he's a nice kid. He's therefore likely to read your 'offer' as encouragement and take you up on it to please you.

Happy, well adjusted kids don't voluntarily choose at the age of 10 or 11 to leave their entire family to go live with strangers.

Having a SEN sibling is often difficult enough for NT kids to deal with and adjust to. In this case, in 20 years time he'll be the bloke who tells his spouse how he loves his sibling but holds a huge amount of stifled resentment about being shipped off so that mum and dad could spend all their time on dsis/dbro.

That's what it will look like to a child whether true or not.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 29/12/2023 16:35

Poor dc....

NoelleNameChange · 29/12/2023 16:39

I know a family where the son isn't academic at all. They wanted him to go to Eton but he didn't get in. He then went to Harrow. This was recently BTW, not back in the 80s or anything. So, I don't know, but think based on the boy I'm thinking of that Harrow is maybe not that selective in terms of academics

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 16:50

NoelleNameChange · 29/12/2023 16:39

I know a family where the son isn't academic at all. They wanted him to go to Eton but he didn't get in. He then went to Harrow. This was recently BTW, not back in the 80s or anything. So, I don't know, but think based on the boy I'm thinking of that Harrow is maybe not that selective in terms of academics

Less so than E, W, or W but more academic than Marlborough, which OP seemed to feel might be too academic.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 16:57

SeattleSpacePlane · 29/12/2023 16:34

You've said he's a nice kid. He's therefore likely to read your 'offer' as encouragement and take you up on it to please you.

Happy, well adjusted kids don't voluntarily choose at the age of 10 or 11 to leave their entire family to go live with strangers.

Having a SEN sibling is often difficult enough for NT kids to deal with and adjust to. In this case, in 20 years time he'll be the bloke who tells his spouse how he loves his sibling but holds a huge amount of stifled resentment about being shipped off so that mum and dad could spend all their time on dsis/dbro.

That's what it will look like to a child whether true or not.

If she’s looking at 11 plus entry he’d likely go at 13, not 10 or 11.

SeattleSpacePlane · 29/12/2023 17:07

If she’s looking at 11 plus entry he’d likely go at 13, not 10 or 11

Yes, but the assessment process, prep and application would start far, far earlier than Y8. Hence the decisions about which school would probably be being made closer to Y6 - at age 10 or 11.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 17:11

SeattleSpacePlane · 29/12/2023 17:07

If she’s looking at 11 plus entry he’d likely go at 13, not 10 or 11

Yes, but the assessment process, prep and application would start far, far earlier than Y8. Hence the decisions about which school would probably be being made closer to Y6 - at age 10 or 11.

Yes assessment is year 6 ( a few schools year 7). But does that matter? They don’t need to board till 13, and lots don’t take up the offer.

Original poster

Whyisitalwaysraining1 · 29/12/2023 17:11

PTSDBarbiegirl · 29/12/2023 16:32

What is your reason for wanting him to live at the school when you didn't?

I don’t feel I should need to answer this but I will anyway I guess.

As I have got older I have met many people who went to boarding school and loved it. They had experiences and forged friendships in a different way. Their dynamic with their parents is, in many cases, really healthy as a bit of distance in the teen years can be a good thing.

I was raised in a very humble environment where everyone I knew was pretty poor. When I went to one of the posher unis I realised how limited my worldview and life experience was. No one I knew had ‘hobbies’ or ‘sports’ or ‘instruments’ growing up. No one I knew had money for that stuff and when we were teenagers most of my mates and I worked on the weekends to help our families out and save for uni as none of us had trust funds or anything. Going to uni I met people who had had so many opportunities I never had to try out different enriching activities, and I always felt I’d like to offer the same to my kids.

I have been lucky enough to be very successful in my career and am thinking through how best to use funds to open up opportunities for my kids.

I would never make my son go if he didn’t want to. But realistically if he needs to apply around 10/11 I’m thinking I’ll do research now, if he gets some offers on the table he can choose to go or not go. Fine by me.

I hope this answers your question satisfactorily 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Whyisitalwaysraining1 · 29/12/2023 17:13

SeattleSpacePlane · 29/12/2023 16:34

You've said he's a nice kid. He's therefore likely to read your 'offer' as encouragement and take you up on it to please you.

Happy, well adjusted kids don't voluntarily choose at the age of 10 or 11 to leave their entire family to go live with strangers.

Having a SEN sibling is often difficult enough for NT kids to deal with and adjust to. In this case, in 20 years time he'll be the bloke who tells his spouse how he loves his sibling but holds a huge amount of stifled resentment about being shipped off so that mum and dad could spend all their time on dsis/dbro.

That's what it will look like to a child whether true or not.

You apply at 11 and go at 14. He wouldn’t have to decide to go or not go until he was 14.

Nice is also not people pleasing. Believe me he is very vocal about what school he would or wouldn’t want to go to and was already at 7+!

OP posts:

SeattleSpacePlane · 29/12/2023 17:13

Well yes, it does.

Op is the one giving dc the choice to board. So you're therefore asking a 10 or 11 year old to make that decision.

That's why I said 'Happy, well adjusted kids don't voluntarily choose at the age of 10 or 11 to leave their entire family to go live with strangers'.

Original poster

Whyisitalwaysraining1 · 29/12/2023 17:16

SeattleSpacePlane · 29/12/2023 17:13

Well yes, it does.

Op is the one giving dc the choice to board. So you're therefore asking a 10 or 11 year old to make that decision.

That's why I said 'Happy, well adjusted kids don't voluntarily choose at the age of 10 or 11 to leave their entire family to go live with strangers'.

I was lucky enough recently to have a long 1:1 chat with the son of a friend of mine who is 11 and just had some offers to board. She doesn’t want him to go but he begged to. He is definitely a happy well adjusted kid for sure. And he doesn’t need to finalise the decision until he’s 14

OP posts:

SeattleSpacePlane · 29/12/2023 17:17

No one I knew had ‘hobbies’ or ‘sports’ or ‘instruments’ growing up. No one I knew had money for that stuff

There's a very wide margin between 'dirt poor and did nothing' and boarding school though.

There's such a thing as a happy medium.

Original poster

Whyisitalwaysraining1 · 29/12/2023 17:18

NoelleNameChange · 29/12/2023 16:39

I know a family where the son isn't academic at all. They wanted him to go to Eton but he didn't get in. He then went to Harrow. This was recently BTW, not back in the 80s or anything. So, I don't know, but think based on the boy I'm thinking of that Harrow is maybe not that selective in terms of academics

I looked at their prospectus and they definitely look at the ’whole’ child but seems that where the kid isn’t academic they should be really great at sports or an instrument or art or something. My lovely kid is sort of middle of the road at everything so i’m not sure he’d make the grade

OP posts:

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 17:20

Whyisitalwaysraining1 · 29/12/2023 17:13

You apply at 11 and go at 14. He wouldn’t have to decide to go or not go until he was 14.

Nice is also not people pleasing. Believe me he is very vocal about what school he would or wouldn’t want to go to and was already at 7+!

Edited

Show quote history

Actually OP it would be 13 unless he’s old for year group? But I agree, he can’t change his mind. You just lose the deposit. But loads of people sit on multiple offers and lose deposits as DC hasn’t developed to the point they know the best fit.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 17:21

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 17:20

Actually OP it would be 13 unless he’s old for year group? But I agree, he can’t change his mind. You just lose the deposit. But loads of people sit on multiple offers and lose deposits as DC hasn’t developed to the point they know the best fit.

Show quote history

Sorry: CAN change his mind! They change a lot in those years.

AlohaRose · 29/12/2023 17:21

SeattleSpacePlane · 29/12/2023 17:17

No one I knew had ‘hobbies’ or ‘sports’ or ‘instruments’ growing up. No one I knew had money for that stuff

There's a very wide margin between 'dirt poor and did nothing' and boarding school though.

There's such a thing as a happy medium.

Indeed. My kids had hobbies and sports and instruments while still going to the local comprehensive. They both went to excellent units and are now starting out in their careers. I didn’t need to send them away from home in order to have all these opportunities, and I saw it as part of my role to support these activities, provide other enrichment opportunities and guide and direct their growth and development. It never occurred to me that it would be better done if I was to leave it to someone else at a boarding school.

theduchessofspork · 29/12/2023 17:21

Harrow (I don’t think it’s especially academic)
Wellington
Rugby
Bradfield
Charterhouse
Dauntseys
Blundells
Bloxham
Haileybury
Stow
Whitgift (weekly only)
Royal Hosp School

All worth a look

Marlborough not all that academic but fashionable so hard to get in

stillavid · 29/12/2023 17:22

I have a DC at full boarding and they love it. I would make sure it isn't too far from your house, we are 45 mins away and that's perfect as means I can easily go to all fixtures at weekends and also pop up and meet them for a cup of tea in the week if they want to see me.

Agree look at Sherborne but also Marlborough - well rounded nice children are always popular.

Does your prep send many too board as would suggest speaking to the head for their recommendation on which school would suit your son.

And it is always good to keep options open.

ACynicalDad · 29/12/2023 17:22

Shiplake, Catford, Milfield, Bedes, Sutton Vallence, Bethany all worth a look.

SeattleSpacePlane · 29/12/2023 17:22

She doesn’t want him to go but he begged to. He is definitely a happy well adjusted kid for sure

I think we'll need to agree to disagree there. IMO and IME, 'normal' (for want of a better word) pre-teens don't beg to leave their family. Ever.

'I don't want him to at ALLLL but he begged' is the oldest excuse in the book. Nobody buys it, except other parents who for whatever reason also have the same inner desire to send their dc elsewhere to live. Then, it's a convenient thing to believe and helps to alleviate any residual guilt.

titchy · 29/12/2023 17:24

a bit of distance in the teen years can be a good thing.

The worst thing possible imo - you want them closer in the teen years not further away.

bare · 29/12/2023 17:24

Depends on where you are really. I wouldn't aim for somewhere more than an hour away.

Look at Seaford College?

Original poster

Whyisitalwaysraining1 · 29/12/2023 17:24

SeattleSpacePlane · 29/12/2023 17:17

No one I knew had ‘hobbies’ or ‘sports’ or ‘instruments’ growing up. No one I knew had money for that stuff

There's a very wide margin between 'dirt poor and did nothing' and boarding school though.

There's such a thing as a happy medium.

Definitely. But you asked me what’s driving wanting to have the option on the table and that’s the answer - wanting to give him
options. If he doesn’t want to go he can stay at a day school locally forever, fine by me. Just I realised that it’s coming up pretty soon that if he wants to have the option at 14 to go, we need to apply when he’s 10 so he can do visits when he’s 11 and before that I’d want to do a load of research hence coming on mumsnet and posting on the boarding school forum about where to start.

If I may revert with a question to you, it sounds like you are against boarding school maybe? In all circumstances? In which case why are you on the boarding school thread? There are zillions of other threads on here. And if you’re going to take someone to task about boarding education, i’m not the person to take to task about it. As i’ve said i’m not committed, i won’t force him, i just want to get ahead of the research in case he wants to go as this is the kind of stuff I would have loved for my parents to be able to do for me. And I’m not going to see the light and stop researching options because a stranger on the internet had an opinion

OP posts: