Boarding for a less academic boy

[Whyisitalwaysraining1]

I’ve always liked the idea of giving my kids the option to board when they are old enough. I never boarded (went to a comprehensive) and neither did my husband so I’m wondering where to start.

My son is in year 3 but I know a lot of places select at 11 I think so I know this will come around soon enough and I’d like to get organised.

The thing is the prestigious boarding schools I’ve heard of, the likes of Marlbrough, Eton etc seem to be very academically selective and competitive. My son is a super nice kid but goes to a middle of the road prep school (didn’t get in anywhere very academic at 7+). He has some hobbies and plays sport but not to an elite level. Learns piano but is decidedly average.

Basically he’s an average, nice kid. Academically ok for his age but not above average in anything. Scholarships or anything will definitely be off the table as he doesn’t have any particular talents as of yet, and I’m fine not to hot house him as he’s a nice kid and happy enough.

Any ideas where might be a fit for boarding after common entrance age? Budget not really an issue, other sibling has SEN and would not board so there’s enough in the pot for him to go anywhere really.

Or he can just stay at a London day school and may still choose to, but I’d like for him to have the option

To provide some balance, my dcs are in the private school system, both DH and I were, and our parents and grandparents were. We continue to prioritise it for our dcs because we value what we got from it, so it isn’t the calamity some posters are determined to paint it as. Tbh prime minister is the ambition of some rather … um … outlier types though, but I get your point. But do it for the education and experience itself, not as a means to an end.

I am privately educated @Whyisitalwaysraining1 . I am not anti private education per se, I just don't think it is the be all and end all.

I have never earnt the money my parents did, and my husband doesn't either. DH and I are comfortable, but not rich, and children are state educated. My parents have occasionally bought us a car, and treated us to a holiday, but they can't afford to pay for private school fees for all the grandchildren.

I was always told how lucky I was to have this private education, and all the doors it would open. It has never helped me get a job, uni was no easier than my state educated counterparts, I haven't really ever worked up the ladder at work, I love the man I married but he's not rich (I actually find I get on better with the more down to earth people than hunting shooting type I grew up with and these days majority of friends are state educated). I'm not at all bitter, but I have never felt my expensive education has benefited me massively, despite being led to believe as a child/ teenager it would. I don't think it did me any harm though.

Having seen it from the inside, complete with buildings that look like Hogwarts, lots of extra curricular activities, more than one lowsy teacher, and the bullying.... I'm not massively sold on it. You pays your money, you takes your choice. If you can afford it, why not.

Agree with Hairy in so far as I don’t think it is a means to an end - and is less so now than in years gone by. As an end in itself, however, I enjoyed it.

@Whyisitalwaysraining1 couldn’t agree more with your last post.

I get that a private education doesn’t come with any guarantees, but I also went to a comp ( which had great teachers btw) in a relatively poor area.

Bright kids went into teaching. While it’s not the worst profession in the world, there’s so much more out there. I also know loads of really clever or talented people ( in sport or art) who never used their talent- at best it’s a hobby.

and then a huge number of very bright people who are now minicab drivers and working in Tesco. I think if you underperform from a private school, you often end up in a stable, respectable if not highly paid job.

A lot of those privately educated kids who go off the rails do so because of difficult and unhappy home lives. Their outcomes were unlikely to be different if they’d stayed at home.

I should add at this stage i find @SeattleSpacePlane’s use of the term ‘dirt poor’ pretty offensive and unnecessary. I used the term humble on purpose. My parents worked hard in jobs that were not lucky enough to be very well paid

It wasn't intended to give offence, it's how I interpreted your post from your wording about doing zero activities etc.

I grew up as what I'd call dirt poor with...hmm...'economically inactive' parents. I don't carry any shame about it, I was a child. It was what it was and now it's over. But I'm fairly pragmatic, not easily offended or sensitive and clearly fall into the trap of forgetting that not everyone is the same. So apologies for any offense given.

Tbh I can't believe boarding schools still exist.

Who wants their child raised by an institution instead of in a loving home?!

I'm sure OP has very genuine intentions but I don't understand it at all :-(

I'm with the op on this one

Not saying I went to the same school as the op, but I went to a dog rough comp in East Lancashire. Taught me a lot but left a lot to be desired.

Got to uni and met people who were studying Economics - I had no idea what it was.

I'd have given my right arm to go to a boarding school. Broadens your horizons immensely.

Which is what op wants for her son

@LovesFood1987 you realise you’re on the boarding school forum right.

Maybe I’ll go on the diet forum and tell everyone there diets are dumb.

Op was suggesting giving her kid an option to go at the age of 14. Hardly a baby.

I would if I felt it was detrimental to a child.

14 is still a child.

The emotional and psychological detriments of boarding school are so well known now, that's why I'm surprised they still exist.

As I said, I'm sure OP has very genuine intentions

I think the whole connections thing at school is massively oversold. Kids born into families with educated parents, books and connections through colleagues, friends and family get a leg up. It is aspiration thrown into the cradle. Countries that have mainly state schools have exactly the same. Boarding school usually translates to very close friendships so if those persist then maybe some extra connections are formed. But most connections come from the parents themselves, guiding with careers, talking about it from an early age, pushing for work experience, thinking about uni/courses early. A parent with a huge network can be a massive asset, parents can also network via state and private schools. The networking happens at that level. Some well known state schools are privileged too especially in London.

What boarding school can give the right child is true early independence to make choices for themselves. And they are programmed to be on the go all the time and well, most top jobs require being on the go all the time, comfortable socially, travel etc.

Top jobs are not about being a genius but having a wide range of skills and often strong people skills and presence/engendering confidence in others. So boarding school can absolutely enhance all of that for the right child. A just above average child academically can do really well in life with all the right skill sets and attributes. Just as a very academic child with no common sense and poor people skills may not fulfil their potential once in the work place.

Agree with the PP who said go local as there are loads of things going on for parents to attend.

If you're in London Bradfield is worth a look for a nice middle of the road boy.

It is a shame that so few people bother to clock what topic a post is in

Haven’t RTFT so sorry if repeating others but perhaps St Edward’s, Oxford? I think they go for the all rounder approach rather than big focus on academics (it is pretty sporty though).

OP I agree with Araminta. I think you are right to identify that boarding carries advantages, but I would caution that I don’t think they are necessarily the ones many people imagine - and that is becoming ever more the case. I think ( and I’m not saying you are expecting this) that some people envisage that, simply by having worn the school uniform, doors will open in careers and universities all over. That may have had an element of truth in former times, but the truth now is that public opinion runs against any manifestation of privilege and your DC may run into as many obstacles as shortcuts as a result. I am not seeking to make any statement as to how reasonable and justified that it is in an evolving world, except to say it is an element you should factor in. What boarding does, however, provide is a wealth of activities in a range of fields that any home environment would be challenged to offer, as well as a ready -made group of peers to participate in those activities, an ability to work with and alongside others, closely forged ( and often life-long) friendships, a sense of belonging and identity beyond the family unit and a capacity for independence, organisation and generally standing on one’s own feet when needed. Carefully chosen, a boarding school will also offer a richness in the education itself that extends beyond the curriculum. These are all worthy objectives in themselves. However I don’t think emerging with wand-waving connections or tipping directly into a high paying career is a guaranteed outcome - far from it, in fact - albeit that many of these skills can lend themselves to performing well in those careers. Not said to detract, but in the interest of frank discussion!

I agree with Bradfield. I know lots of very happy children there.

I would go for no more than 1 hour on the train from London and figure out what stations are best for you. I recommend Oundle in Peterborough and King’s Canterbury.

Kings and Oundle both good suggestions. Sherborne and Bradfield lovely but both a bit further? Similarly Bryanston which some people love and another over that way beginning with C. ( Another poster with better memory might chip in with name please…)

I live in an area packed full of top boarding schools Repton, Rugby, Oundle, Uppingham, Oakham et al and my own DC is at one of these.

TBH the education/ activities / school trips / pastoral care / facilities / ethos are much the same. I would recommend finding a school that fits your family circumstances the best so that your son blends in. Look at the details and not the Head’s blurb and go on as many Olen Days as you can in Year 5. Your own Head should be able to help. Your current prep school will be a feeder for senior schools. Where do the children go?

And it’s not just school days and boarding that will matter. You need to find a school where the cohort is similar to you. There’s a huge wealth divide in these schools (the haves and have yachts) so you need to make sure your son will make friends who do similar things during the holidays.

You need to find a school that you will fit into as a family.

Hi! I work at a great non-selctive day and boarding school and I am sure there are many other lovely non-selective independent schools which also have the option of day, boarding and flexi-boarding, all of which offer great opportunities to their pupils. It is also true that the atmosphere and culture in all schools won’t be the same so you need to do some research into where you think your child would be happier/thrive, that is convenient for you as a family and fits in with your values as well as budget. It doesn't have to be famous or “prestigious” for it to be right for your child. Maybe have a look at the Good Schools Guide and Muddy Stilettos for reviews of the schools in the area you are looking for, if close to family home then you have more options with day and flexi-boarding and also they can start as day and then see if they want to board later one. We have lots of pupils who live locally and move on flexi-boarding in the 6th form or earlier. Day would be much much cheaper and also they get to eat home cooked food in the evenings; one of the main complaints I hear from boarders is they struggle with eating school food all the time however nice it is. Also once you have shortlisted some schools go to open events, try to talk to current parents etc. Good luck!

Have a look at Haileybury and Felsted.

Another bit of advice is don’t go too far away from home. The kids will be back every 3 weeks plus there are matches, concerts, plays etc to attend regularly.

Canford? Is in Wimborne just north of Poole. Is probably slightly more selective than either Sherborne or Bryanston but not ridiculously so. Co-Ed and 65/35 boarding vs day. No flexi/ weekly option but reasonably flexible re weekends- at same time lots stay in so stayers not rattling around. Is definitely “haves” rather than “have yachts”- less cashed up kids than,say, Marlborough or Wellington.

Also, just for the benefit of others posters, I think there is a lot of misconceptions out there about what boarding schools are like and the reasons families have to send their children there. I also didn’t really understand it before working at one but I can tell you it is an amazing experience for the children for whom it is the right option. For many children a boarding school is actually much more suitable than their family home and many ask their parents to board at great financial sacrifice for their parents. Especially the older they get the more they enjoy living with their mates, for some it saves a lot of traveling time that then can then use to study or get more sleep, also allows them to take part in evening events and rehearsals, or it fits better with their families circumstances and their personality. I don’t think it is for anyone to judge those decisions!

Thank you: yes it was Canford! Getting old and forgetful ☹️

I went to boarding school, and consequently know a great many people who boarded. Most of us enjoyed it. I loved it.

I am also totally fucked emotionally, and so are most of my ex boarder friends. I am totally self reliant and find showing any negative emotions virtually impossible. This includes crying. The last time I recall crying was when my youngest was newborn - and that was hormones. She is 13 now and during those 13 years we have had parental heart attacks, very serious illness in my children including life saving operations and treatments, horrible situations at work, death of pets etc. I cannot cry. It horrifies me how closed down I am.

I wasn't always like this. I was a very emotional child who cried at pictures of animals who were hurt or abandoned. Boarding school "toughened me up" by breaking my ability to show vulnerability. Even though I had many great times there and still sometimes dream I am back.

Yes Canford is another good one for you OP - I know a couple of boys there who are very happy too who sound similar to your DS - on paper. There's also Stowe and Wellington but I think they can be quite flashy. Think the others mentioned on here are better and a bit more down to earth.