Boarding for a less academic boy

[Whyisitalwaysraining1]

I’ve always liked the idea of giving my kids the option to board when they are old enough. I never boarded (went to a comprehensive) and neither did my husband so I’m wondering where to start.

My son is in year 3 but I know a lot of places select at 11 I think so I know this will come around soon enough and I’d like to get organised.

The thing is the prestigious boarding schools I’ve heard of, the likes of Marlbrough, Eton etc seem to be very academically selective and competitive. My son is a super nice kid but goes to a middle of the road prep school (didn’t get in anywhere very academic at 7+). He has some hobbies and plays sport but not to an elite level. Learns piano but is decidedly average.

Basically he’s an average, nice kid. Academically ok for his age but not above average in anything. Scholarships or anything will definitely be off the table as he doesn’t have any particular talents as of yet, and I’m fine not to hot house him as he’s a nice kid and happy enough.

Any ideas where might be a fit for boarding after common entrance age? Budget not really an issue, other sibling has SEN and would not board so there’s enough in the pot for him to go anywhere really.

Or he can just stay at a London day school and may still choose to, but I’d like for him to have the option

I went to boarding school and day school. Much preferred day school. Please look at somewhere close enough for your son to come home easily at weekends and for you to be able to go and watch concerts and matches etc. it makes a big difference. My boys are 12 and 8 and despite choosing independent schools we don’t want them to board.

Entry in year 9 is at 13 not 14 OP . Most do entrance exams in year 6 or 7 and there is a non refundable deposit generally.
Nice boarding schools North west of London include Bloxham, Teddy’s Oxford, Stowe, If you are South West London some of the Dorset schools like Clayesmore and Bryanston are good for all rounders who are not super academic.

I agree about keeping the journey easy - it makes a big difference. So much better if you can pop over for a match or to take them something they have forgotten without it being a major mission.

Generally 13, yes, but if he has an early September bday he’ll be 14 when he starts or as good as.

I fully agree with choosing somewhere fairly close by. There are v few full boarding schools left ( by which I mean students stay in other than exeats) and most are now fairly flexible on weekends with the exception of a few closed weekends. As a result they are becoming more local ( this also due to parent preference) as many kids go home after matches on Saturday until Sunday evening or Monday morning. This is also why I think it’s important to choose a school where boarders are the majority- choose a boarding school that accepts day students, not a day school that has boarders.

All really helpful input guys, the close enough to pop in thing is something i hadn’t thought of.

Definitely a lot of research to do!

And then he may well say he doesn’t want to go but at least then i can feel i’ve given him all the options to pick

I'm not generally the biggest fan of boarding (boarding school syndrome is a thing), there are circumstances where I think it's fine.

Having known a disproportionately large number of people with disabled or sick siblings, I'd say that may be one. There seems to be an assumption that her DS will see it as rejection in favour of their sibling, but it could easily be presented as a chance to live a full life without fitting it around said sibling. And 13/14 is not 11. If you're going to board that's a good age.

I think it is really important to remember that boarding school now is not like it was 10, 20, 30 or 50 years ago.

As my dc's house parent said - it is not prison! If they need to go home for a weekend then they can. Everyone wants the children to thrive.

Boarding gets v bad reactions on mumsnet. I’m a teacher at one, and my personal view is that boarding from Y9 is great for kids who want to go. They go home every 3 weeks and most kids I teach benefit from it hugely. When we used to take Y7s I think that was too young. I hope you find the right school OP

Mine both boarded from 13, both at uni now. Both loved it. I did not go to boarding school, wish I had had the chance. I have v sporty children, both academically able but didn’t want to send them to a school with a hot housing, super academic environment. Chose an all round school with lots of sport, music and drama close to us, close enough to easily come home for the weekend if they wanted to, or just for lunch on Sunday. Also close enough to be able to easily watch their matches. We saw a lot of them, lots of parents did - the days of sending kids to boarding school and never seeing them are long gone! Being at boarding school doesn’t mean parents aren’t involved - far from it!!! Good options for boarding - they do have entrance exams but not hugely academic….

Rugby
Marlborough
Cheltenham College
St Edwards (Teddies)
Malvern
Sherborne
Uppingham
Oundle
Wellington

Mill Hill?

Shrewsbury School is worth a look too - similar to many already mentioned.
Wrekin too, although not as many boarders.

@Whyisitalwaysraining1, I totally understand that you wouldn't want to leave London but in that case I would seriously suggest limiting your search to say 60-90 minutes from your home, and the area that covers will vary depending on the part of London in which you are based.

I have two kids in full boarding, and I support the approach where it is suitable for the child. That said, I also want to attend weekly sports matches, concerts and other school events, and for my DCs to come home for the odd weekend if they want to in addition to exeats. In practice they choose to stay in pretty much every weekend, but I know that it is important for them to understand that they can choose to come home if they want to.

If you also want to see your DC between holidays, think about how far you are realistically able to travel each way in order to spend 60 minutes watching a rugby/hockey match or attending a school play. There may be a great school three hours away, but realistically attending any school events will be impossible, which will definitely change the dynamic of the boarding experience for your DC. Are they the type that would like to see you in the audience?

Obviously this is less relevant for an international or military family based overseas, where attending matches etc would not be possible in any case.

I also apologise for the MNers that linger on the Boarding School board just to criticise families that choose to use boarding schools and have nothing to add in response to the question posed, but never tire of explaining why the OP is wrong. I recommend adopting the approach I take when people with nothing better to do lean over to comment on your conversation in the pub. Smile politely, do not respond and hopefully they'll get bored........

Good luck in finding the right school for your DCs.

Sending a non-academic kid to a non-academic boarding school is risky because without much parental oversight and without academically-minded peers to influence him, he might severely neglect his studies. I suppose if you're incredibly wealthy and envisage him going into the family business this may not matter to you but I thought it worth mentioning.

Another thing to consider is that for a child to successfully adapt to boarding school they are required to become emotionally independent, this necessarily entails some level of breakdown in familial ties. Now take into consideration that sibling relationships are more fragile than parent-child relationships. So, if you are hoping he will look after his SEN sibling later in life you may be inadvertently shooting yourself in the foot. DS may not feel too obligated to help a sibling he was able to avoid for most of his teenage years. Again, may not be relevant to your situation but thought you may want to consider this. He'll also likely think you'd have been better off putting money aside for their future than spending it on such an expensive education for him and therefore not feel like he should help.

@tachetastic all super helpful points thank you, and really good food for thought. It’s all such early days but i want to be ahead of the curve with at least having up my sleeve a few options i think could work for him at the time so we can go see them. Who knows maybe by the time he’s secondary age he’ll have had a developmental leap and be super academic and want to go to St Pauls or Westminster or another mega academic day school (who knows).

But yes he is the type of kid who would like for me to attend stuff for sure so that’s really helpful. Sounds silly but as i didn’t board a lot of this really basic stuff i haven’t considered.

As for mumsnetters with opinions… sigh. I’m not even wedded to boarding school. He may well not go. I just want for my kid to have every option available to him in a way it wasn’t for me and for me to do a lot of research so if it is something to consider I know what’s what. Having not been privately educated myself I often feel i’m making up for lost ground not knowing a lot of the stuff other families know so if anything i overcompensate by doing heaps of research.

I think a lot of people who are anti boarding just maybe don’t know a lot of people who boarded? Because I would have been in the past - per my other posts growing up i had never met anyone who even had a hobby let alone boarded so i thought it was weird. But as an adult i’ve met heaps of adults i would say are well adjusted healthy happy people who say they loved boarding, and it would be silly of me to write off their experiences because of my own preconceptions.

@muggart all food for thought. A long way away still so who can say. SEN child will be provided for forever via various means, I wouldn’t expect a lifetime of care from my other child who I hope will live a normal and full life

Various family members with boarding experience and all predominantly good. In their teens they actually love being with peers and the holidays home are long and can be less peer focused ( so family holidays etc) as a result of having had that interaction during term. Also was utter nonsense in a previous post about not working hard. They have enforced prep daily - even Saturday at most schools - so they actually probably do more. Asked DC’s view for this post: “ I’ve got eeeemowshunal daaamaaarge! Nah, it’s great.”

That’s great for you and great for your kids. I also went to a comp, went to a top uni and have a great career.

I also know many people who went to boarding school and had experiences and opportunities people at comprehensives definitely wouldn’t, and even people at a private day school wouldn’t. I’d like for my kids to have all options open to them, including options which weren’t available to me. They don’t need to choose them.

I should add at this stage i find @SeattleSpacePlane’s use of the term ‘dirt poor’ pretty offensive and unnecessary. I used the term humble on purpose. My parents worked hard in jobs that were not lucky enough to be very well paid.

I was using the example of instruments to try and explain the gulf of experience between me and others i met as i grew up, and why that would instill in me a desire to explore options for my kids so they may have a more rounded childhood than me.

Good for you, OP.

But you will get flamed on here for even contemplating this as an option.

FWIW, I’m also considering it for DC. It’s an amazing opportunity and like you, I work with many well- adjusted people who had a ball at boarding school.

I’ve liked
Seaford College
Royal Hospital school
Marlborough
whitgift

all are close enough to London so he isn’t so far away.

I also wonder how much quality time people think they have with their kids Mon- Friday.
by the time people commute/ work full time and ferry kids to activities, they basically see them for an hour or two max at night.

your son could board weekly and come home at weekends. Lots of long holidays to spend quality time together.

I would pick a school within an hour of you so he can flexi board if he wants to, come home if he wants to, even change to being a day boy if he wants to. And easy for you to get to all the fixtures. Sounds like a lucky boy to me.

Well said @Lemonfoxtrot I’m in a HC city/town and realistically DH sees little of DC on days he’s working in London. Quite a few go onto flexiboard for senior school round here which I think is a great option, especially if they have sports or drama after school until late.

FWIW my Dad boarded from 13 at a school mentioned upthread and he loved it. I didn’t want to board so I didn’t but I was given the option to look at it.

@Whyisitalwaysraining1 have you looked at Aldenham, St Edmunds in Ware and Felsted?

One thing to bear in mind is that London day schools are extremely competitive entry.

So I was wondering which side of London you are, because families who are looking for a more all-round school often look to schools just outside London (and I include Croydon in that), but what might suit logistically for that depends in part on where in London you are (less so for weekly boarding, but if you want a flexible sleep-over that grows, or shrinks, depending on how he takes to it, then daily commute might matter. Look at St John's Leatherhead

I suggest you look at a range of schools. Bedales might work as a weekly boarder, but is quite a different style of school. Hampshire. The weekly boarders all seem to get the same train (Waterloo) to and fro and are met.

If you follow the advice earlier in the thread re Uppingham and Oundle, look at Oakham too - the journey would be pretty long though, unless you're in north London.

“I think we'll need to agree to disagree there. IMO and IME, 'normal' (for want of a better word) pre-teens don't beg to leave their family. Ever.”

You are wrong and your absurd reluctance to accept other posters points of views clearly a Dunning–Kruger effect.

I can see you might want to make your point, but going on and on about it is a bit crap for the OP who just wants school suggestions. People just have different views on this and no one mind gets changed by unasked for opinions on a thread like this.

I'm going to bite on boarding school
I grew up privileged, and was privately educated. I would say that OP appears to live work in the city, and no doubt knows lots of successful people who have boarded.

Most of my family did private school, as did parents friends etc. Some are lawyers, hedge fund managers, surgeons. I can also think of someone who is a drug addict, another who has had most of her life in an institution due to her poor mental health, another who died at 19, more than one who has had their business go bankrupt, one in jail, and many many others with low paid jobs (obv nothing wrong with this, but possibly not what their parents were spending £££ on).

What I'm trying to say is private school doesn't come with any guarantees. You might look back and decide the private education was best money you ever spent, or that you were scammed.

I didn't board as my mum didn't enjoy the experience, and she had this idea that she wanted to raise/ influence me, and to matter more than peers. I therefore did day school.

The problem with boarding is that child dependent, occasionally it does harm.

i don’t think you’ll find most of the schools are particularly academic outside London except Eton / Brighton college and a few like that. I didn’t think Marlborough was particularly.

Winchester, Radley. But I don’t think OP is wanting academic hard hitters.

@HairyToity i get this from people who were privately educated themselves quite a bit. People who say, well i know a spectrum of people, hedge fund managers, surgeons, and also some drug addicts.

And in turn I will bite…

…because you’re listing a majority of people who are in the top 1% of professions. That is absolutely not representative of the population. I can tell you how many hedge fund managers and surgeons came out of my massive comp - a big fat zero. It was a good comp. People were bright. But most people who themselves were privately educated would prefer to ignore what a huge leg up a private education is.

Absolutely there are no guarantees. I’m not stupid, my kids are in the private system already, I see that. But it’s a huge, huge head start. I say this as a person who went to a top uni from a comp and was surrounded by people who had had to work way less hard to get there and had a nicer experience of life on the way. And I work in a field where i am one of a tiny minority of comp educated people amongst a lot of folks who grew up with aspirations people from my neighbourhood (hardly a slum, just not-london) could never have dreamed of.

If my kids want to take their education and do something minimum wage at the end that’s fine by me. I just want them to be in a world where ‘prime minister’ is an ok ambition to have. Where i grew up it wasn’t.