Page 6 | How has your life improved since you chose boarding school for your DC?

MisschiefMaker · 2023-02-20T18:49:46+00:00

Just that really. In what ways has your life improved since enrolling your DC in boarding school? Or, if you're an ex boarder, how did your parents and broader family benefit from the decision?

ChunkaMunkaBoomBoom · 10/03/2023 14:14

‘children do leave home at 18 anyway so perhaps that isn't the most important relationship to nuture if you're thinking long term.’

Theres no-one, no a single person including DW, who I would put before my relationship with my children.
it’s not like they disappear at 18 and you never see them again! 50% of marriages end in divorce- if you’re looking for long term love, you’re children are a safer bet…

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/03/2023 14:54

Plirtle · 10/03/2023 09:59

Of course they can. But going onto any specialist Mumsnet board and telling people they are doing things wrong when you have no experience of it yourself is a bit rude and pointless.

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There are plenty of people all over MN commenting on things that they don't necessarily have personal experience of. It doesn't stop them from having insights or opinions, and they are free to express them.

I have no personal experience of boarding school, and I absolutely wouldn't have ever considered it for my dd, but I do have some insights as I know a lot of people who have boarded previously, including my DH and a very close friend. Of course that isn't the same as a direct experience but that doesn't mean that my opinions are invalid.

If you insist that the only people who can comment on this board are parents who have chosen to send their own dc to boarding school, then you will get a very narrow range of opinions. Perhaps that would suit you if you don't like to see others questioning your choices in any way, but again, if you're only looking to talk to like-minded people only instead of having an open debate, I would respectfully suggest that this isn't the right forum for you.

Plirtle · 10/03/2023 15:13

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/03/2023 14:54

There are plenty of people all over MN commenting on things that they don't necessarily have personal experience of. It doesn't stop them from having insights or opinions, and they are free to express them.

I have no personal experience of boarding school, and I absolutely wouldn't have ever considered it for my dd, but I do have some insights as I know a lot of people who have boarded previously, including my DH and a very close friend. Of course that isn't the same as a direct experience but that doesn't mean that my opinions are invalid.

If you insist that the only people who can comment on this board are parents who have chosen to send their own dc to boarding school, then you will get a very narrow range of opinions. Perhaps that would suit you if you don't like to see others questioning your choices in any way, but again, if you're only looking to talk to like-minded people only instead of having an open debate, I would respectfully suggest that this isn't the right forum for you.

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It's the boarding school topic. Do you go onto the black mumsnetters board (if you happen to be white) and preach to them?

To be honest I doubt many boarding school parents have the time or inclination to post here so it's easily overrun with smugsters living in leafy catchment areas who knew someone who went to boarding school 40 years ago and yet opine with complete certainty. Extra points if you can squeeze in how you could easily afford it but choose not to.

louise5754 · 10/03/2023 15:15

How can you put a man / woman before your kids. Partners can come and go. The logic that they won't need you at 18 but your partner will so you should spend more time nurturing that relationship is madness.

Original poster

MisschiefMaker · 10/03/2023 15:21

sunshineandstrawberryjam · 10/03/2023 13:44

I also think a lot of the people who really dislike boarding school are working on a pretty outdated notion of what boarding school looks like. In my experience the majority of "full" boarders - so the kids who are there over the weekends - overwhelmingly do have parents abroad. Lots are from military families or diplomatic families or have parents on short term contracts abroad. Then there are a lot of foreign students. Most of the domestic students aren't being sent off for weeks on end - my niece is a day student at a school with boarders and the norm for the boarders is that they are in school Mon-Sat morning and then home for the weekend, or there are a lot who just stay the occasional night, but are at home most nights.

Is this true though? what you are describing sounds like a weekly / flexi-boarding set up (which is totally valid of course) but the full time boarding schools like Eton etc still exist.

Is it really the case that British people living in Britain no longer send their DCs there?

OP posts:

Plirtle · 10/03/2023 15:23

MisschiefMaker · 10/03/2023 15:21

Is this true though? what you are describing sounds like a weekly / flexi-boarding set up (which is totally valid of course) but the full time boarding schools like Eton etc still exist.

Is it really the case that British people living in Britain no longer send their DCs there?

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There aren't many full boarding schools left for girls, definitely. Even so they tend to go home every few weeks for long weekends/exeats/half term.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/03/2023 15:31

Plirtle · 10/03/2023 15:13

It's the boarding school topic. Do you go onto the black mumsnetters board (if you happen to be white) and preach to them?

To be honest I doubt many boarding school parents have the time or inclination to post here so it's easily overrun with smugsters living in leafy catchment areas who knew someone who went to boarding school 40 years ago and yet opine with complete certainty. Extra points if you can squeeze in how you could easily afford it but choose not to.

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You seem very defensive, @Plirtle. It's interesting, as I think you'll struggle to find any comments from me on this thread that are remotely "preachy" with regard to boarding schools. Indeed, I have barely expressed an opinion either way, and you don't actually know what I might think about them.

I am afraid I don't accept your comparison of this board to the Black MNetters thread at all. I hope that you don't think that the two are remotely comparable as that would be rather shocking. The Black MNetters forum was set up as a safe space for a group that has been historically disadvantaged and still faces significant discrimination in our society today to talk about issues that affect them without interference from people who have not had to deal with that historical and ongoing disadvantage. I would not dream of encroaching on that safe space but I hardly think that parents of children at boarding schools, which are often elite institutions used by many of the most privileged in our society, have faced similar levels of structural inequality or that they have the same need for a safe space. It seems almost obscene to me to draw this comparison.

Plirtle · 10/03/2023 15:33

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/03/2023 15:31

You seem very defensive, @Plirtle. It's interesting, as I think you'll struggle to find any comments from me on this thread that are remotely "preachy" with regard to boarding schools. Indeed, I have barely expressed an opinion either way, and you don't actually know what I might think about them.

I am afraid I don't accept your comparison of this board to the Black MNetters thread at all. I hope that you don't think that the two are remotely comparable as that would be rather shocking. The Black MNetters forum was set up as a safe space for a group that has been historically disadvantaged and still faces significant discrimination in our society today to talk about issues that affect them without interference from people who have not had to deal with that historical and ongoing disadvantage. I would not dream of encroaching on that safe space but I hardly think that parents of children at boarding schools, which are often elite institutions used by many of the most privileged in our society, have faced similar levels of structural inequality or that they have the same need for a safe space. It seems almost obscene to me to draw this comparison.

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I didn't think it was possible to be quite so smug AND patronising, but there we go.

Original poster

MisschiefMaker · 10/03/2023 15:44

I don't think there's much value in trying to establish some sort of hierarchy of whose views count. Whether you've been to boarding school, have DC there, have decided against it after exploring it as an option, are married to an ex-boarder, worked in a boarding school... all the differing perspectives can add value.

I feel this thread is starting to get derailed by certain posters telling others they can't contribute, which is weird to say the least.

@Plirtle you are very quick to attack other posters' contributions but, unless I've missed it, you didn't even answer the question in the OP yourself despite seemingly having DC at boarding school yourself.

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ChunkaMunkaBoomBoom · 10/03/2023 15:59

Always happens, people who send kids to boarding school get REALLY defensive and try to shut down all conversation because apparently if your kids aren't boarding then it doesn't matter if you've been yourself ( times have changed, BS syndrome no longer exists), or your DP has or you've worked in or with many boarding schools & private schools - as i have. You're to be shut down.
If you've chosen the best thing for your child, why so defensive??

Plirtle · 10/03/2023 16:31

ChunkaMunkaBoomBoom · 10/03/2023 15:59

Always happens, people who send kids to boarding school get REALLY defensive and try to shut down all conversation because apparently if your kids aren't boarding then it doesn't matter if you've been yourself ( times have changed, BS syndrome no longer exists), or your DP has or you've worked in or with many boarding schools & private schools - as i have. You're to be shut down.
If you've chosen the best thing for your child, why so defensive??

I think that's a bit disingenuous as you yourself said you couldn't care less about what boarding school parents thought (before it was deleted by mumsnet), so you are clearly here just to have a go.

VanCleefArpels · 10/03/2023 16:50

So much parental martyrdom here 😂

Those that profess they would at any cost prioritise their children over their partner: let me tell you that those children don’t give a shiny shit how much you have sacrificed in their honour when they are teenagers and young adults who (quite rightly) will be off like a flash to live their own lives leaving you to wonder what to do for the rest of days.

VanCleefArpels · 10/03/2023 16:54

Plirtle · 10/03/2023 15:23

There aren't many full boarding schools left for girls, definitely. Even so they tend to go home every few weeks for long weekends/exeats/half term.

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Even at the dawn of time when I was full boarding at an all
Girls school we had exeats either side of half term every term meaning we were only 3/4 weeks away from home or a relative/guardian at any time. Things are a lot more flexible now even for full boarders

louise5754 · 10/03/2023 18:09

My point was military families have other choices that's all.

VanCleefArpels · 10/03/2023 18:29

louise5754 · 10/03/2023 18:09

My point was military families have other choices that's all.

Which will either impact the relationship between parents or the quality of education for the kids. Most families have to choose the least worst option, which for done is to remain “mobile” and have the kids at boarding school

4U2 · 11/03/2023 03:06

Personally I did board between the ages of 13-18 and loved it. In fact I felt sorry for my mates who lived with their parents, I felt like they missed a lot. Amazing to have that kind of freedom, independence, friendships, discovery, and yes even the occasional drama. My wife and kids all know the stories, we always share a good laugh, and the eldest also wants to board 13+. My best ‘deeply trusted’ friends in adult life are also from my boarding years.

I am amazed by how egoistic and self-centered most of the comments on this thread are. Of course the decision is driven by the child’s needs, not that of the parents. In our case my son wants to board a lot more than I want to pay the fees, and I love him and will miss him every day. But I wouldn’t want to keep him in a cage - I know that’s how I would have felt, had I been forced to stay home in my teenage yearsz

Plirtle · 11/03/2023 07:38

To answer the OP, I don't think many people choose boarding for the parents benefits. Parents of boarders that I know do it because they genuinely believe it is in the best interest of the kids. For instance, dds close friend is an only child living rurally. It makes perfect sense for her to board as she's in a busy environment with lots of friends. She's extremely academic and loves being at school. Most of dds friends started boarding when the teen years kicked in and they had a chance to spend more time with their friends. They love it, and if they don't then the school works very hard to find out why, and will and does suggest that perhaps boarding isn't for them. We are local so mine flexi-board although they full boarded during Covid. I really missed them when they were gone but they messaged me every day and had a really good time. I know they are not in anyway mentally scarred by it. Two of them are training to be medics and to work in social policy respectively so I'm sure they'll manage to meet plenty of people who went to state school!!

Plirtle · 11/03/2023 07:40

My life improved because I have happy, healthy, successful kids I guess and I credit the school for a lot of that and it happened to be a boarding school.

ChunkaMunkaBoomBoom · 11/03/2023 08:00

‘My point was military families have other choices that's all.’

they do, of course.we have a lot of experience of US military in our family, officers, and the family stay together either by moving with the posting - all over the world- or having the non military parent stay in one place with the kids.
t

Plirtle · 11/03/2023 08:03

ChunkaMunkaBoomBoom · 11/03/2023 08:00

‘My point was military families have other choices that's all.’

they do, of course.we have a lot of experience of US military in our family, officers, and the family stay together either by moving with the posting - all over the world- or having the non military parent stay in one place with the kids.
t

Neither of those are particularly healthy though. Lots of disruption in the first instance and a miserable lone parent in the other.

JennyDarlingRIP · 11/03/2023 08:04

Not us but my family member, has a child with very high level additional needs, he's a weekday boarder at an incredible specialist school, he's just starting to gain a tiny bit of independence away from mum, his learning has really come on and he has a few friends there for the first time. It also means their younger child is sometimes able to come first and my family member isn't completely run into the ground physically and emotionally. All are benefiting although my family member really struggled with the decision. These are the only circumstances I'd choose boarding.

Plirtle · 11/03/2023 08:11

JennyDarlingRIP · 11/03/2023 08:04

Not us but my family member, has a child with very high level additional needs, he's a weekday boarder at an incredible specialist school, he's just starting to gain a tiny bit of independence away from mum, his learning has really come on and he has a few friends there for the first time. It also means their younger child is sometimes able to come first and my family member isn't completely run into the ground physically and emotionally. All are benefiting although my family member really struggled with the decision. These are the only circumstances I'd choose boarding.

Thats interesting as one of dds friends is in almost the reverse situation. She is at boarding school while her severely additional needs sister is at home. Amazing mum good friend of mine who has made rhe best decision for their family.

JennyDarlingRIP · 11/03/2023 08:14

@Plirtle the boarder is 13 the younger child only 8 so that's why they chose that way round, also the boarder is getting incredible input from this school that's too far away for day attendance

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 11/03/2023 09:14

JennyDarlingRIP · 11/03/2023 08:04

Not us but my family member, has a child with very high level additional needs, he's a weekday boarder at an incredible specialist school, he's just starting to gain a tiny bit of independence away from mum, his learning has really come on and he has a few friends there for the first time. It also means their younger child is sometimes able to come first and my family member isn't completely run into the ground physically and emotionally. All are benefiting although my family member really struggled with the decision. These are the only circumstances I'd choose boarding.

This is something I’m struggling/debating with atm.

There is a chance for my youngest to have a residential place from sept. It might give me the chance to be her Mum at weekends, rather than her shattered carer full time. My other kids would get some normalcy again.

Boarding one of my children goes against my instincts massively though.

it’s so hard.

louise5754 · 11/03/2023 09:29

All 3 options are shit to be honest