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Boarding school

Connect with fellow parents of boarding school students on our supportive forum. Share experiences, tips, and insights.

Original poster

How has your life improved since you chose boarding school for your DC?

163 replies

MisschiefMaker · 20/02/2023 18:49

Just that really.

In what ways has your life improved since enrolling your DC in boarding school?

Or, if you're an ex boarder, how did your parents and broader family benefit from the decision?

OP posts:
Original poster
MisschiefMaker · 23/02/2023 17:10

Thisthatandanother · 23/02/2023 15:09

@Gwen82 we were unaware of how awful things were. We should have known that's our job as parents. My son once told me many boys didn't seem to have anything to miss (at home).
I'm glad he didn't feel that way.

He is a wonderful son and we don't deserve his forgiveness but we have it. We am travelling to the US next week to visit him and his family, we are very lucky.

Unfortunately these schools are always in the news for one reason or another. I sometimes feel I can't escape the place.

I am so sorry that you are so badly affected by this still. Hopefully, as BS becomes a more distant memory then you'll find it easier to forgive yourself and move on.

Also, it is worth noting that you'll never know the counterfactual. For example, if he'd gone to a day school he may have been in a horrible road accident on one of the commutes. So there is never any point in berating yourself about the past too harshly.

OP posts:
KittyWithStripes · 23/02/2023 17:21

DH and siblings boarded from age 12, his parents loved him and his siblings very much but they lived in an extremely rural, isolated area with dreadful local options for secondary. It was better for the whole family in general.. not all of them loved boarding but the alternatives were truly dire. So in that sense his parents knew they were genuinely doing the best for their children.

MysteryBelle · 23/02/2023 17:30

Children grow up so fast, the years go by so quickly, I would never steer my child toward a boarding school to take away that precious time. Children get plenty of time for friends and activities in regular school hours and occasional after school clubs. That’s an excuse.

DorisParchment · 23/02/2023 17:36

Mine boarded in their teens, but only weekly boarding. It enabled me to have a great social life during the week, and for us to have quality time as a family at weekends. We also had hordes of girls staying over at weekends as they got older and wanted to go clubbing or to concerts, as we lived in Central London, and their friends either lived in the Home Counties or were full boarders with family overseas. I was guardian to one of DD1’s friends, and we often had her to stay weekends and in school holidays.

Did they enjoy it? DD2 did. DD1 didn’t, so much, but said it was good preparation for uni. DD1 would often come home midweek as well as she had no lessons on a Wednesday afternoon.

VanCleefArpels · 23/02/2023 17:38

Military couples can live together if the children go to boarding school - as opposed to having to stay on one place and the military parent bring posted off anywhere for months on end. So there’s that benefit to the parents.

Parents who have the kind of job that require very long hours (eg City bankers, lawyers etc) can rest assured that their boarding children are in a safe environment, enjoying activities with friends rather than relying on Nannies / Housekeepers to do the after school care. So there’s another benefit to the parents.

MysteryBelle · 23/02/2023 17:40

DorisParchment · 23/02/2023 17:36

Mine boarded in their teens, but only weekly boarding. It enabled me to have a great social life during the week, and for us to have quality time as a family at weekends. We also had hordes of girls staying over at weekends as they got older and wanted to go clubbing or to concerts, as we lived in Central London, and their friends either lived in the Home Counties or were full boarders with family overseas. I was guardian to one of DD1’s friends, and we often had her to stay weekends and in school holidays.

Did they enjoy it? DD2 did. DD1 didn’t, so much, but said it was good preparation for uni. DD1 would often come home midweek as well as she had no lessons on a Wednesday afternoon.

This is an example of how boarding can work well. Kids home on weekends, bring their friends, keep close relationship with parents and plenty of quality time and familial bonds. My previous post is more about the kids who never get to come home, who don’t have a home to go to or miss, or absent parents.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/02/2023 17:48

We’re in the middle of creating the pros and cons of this as DD4 has been offered a place at a specialist residential school from September. She’d weekly board.

For her she’d not have the 90 min each way taxi ride to her current school.
She’d have specialist care on site 24/7.
She’d not have to move for high school and possibly not for college.

For me I’d get to be a Mum to my other kids during the week rather than just DD’s carer. I’d also have better quality time with her at weekends as I’d get to sleep during the week.
As a family we’d be under less pressure from constant caring, medicating, changing and the other children would have more freedom to make noise and have friends round.

On the downside my baby would be away Monday morning to Friday afternoon and that just feels awful.

MysteryBelle · 23/02/2023 17:49

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/02/2023 17:48

We’re in the middle of creating the pros and cons of this as DD4 has been offered a place at a specialist residential school from September. She’d weekly board.

For her she’d not have the 90 min each way taxi ride to her current school.
She’d have specialist care on site 24/7.
She’d not have to move for high school and possibly not for college.

For me I’d get to be a Mum to my other kids during the week rather than just DD’s carer. I’d also have better quality time with her at weekends as I’d get to sleep during the week.
As a family we’d be under less pressure from constant caring, medicating, changing and the other children would have more freedom to make noise and have friends round.

On the downside my baby would be away Monday morning to Friday afternoon and that just feels awful.

Those sound like good reasons to board especially if she enjoys it.

Original poster
MisschiefMaker · 23/02/2023 18:07

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/02/2023 17:48

We’re in the middle of creating the pros and cons of this as DD4 has been offered a place at a specialist residential school from September. She’d weekly board.

For her she’d not have the 90 min each way taxi ride to her current school.
She’d have specialist care on site 24/7.
She’d not have to move for high school and possibly not for college.

For me I’d get to be a Mum to my other kids during the week rather than just DD’s carer. I’d also have better quality time with her at weekends as I’d get to sleep during the week.
As a family we’d be under less pressure from constant caring, medicating, changing and the other children would have more freedom to make noise and have friends round.

On the downside my baby would be away Monday morning to Friday afternoon and that just feels awful.

That sounds really difficult and probably not something most of us can opine on without understanding your DC's disabilities.

Presumably, though, if she does go then you can pull her out if it's not working. How would you know if it isn't working out for her? That would be my starting point.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/02/2023 18:43

Those sound like good reasons to board especially if she enjoys it.

How would you know if it isn't working out for her? That would be my starting point.

The main difficulty is that she can’t really communicate so we’d never know. We don’t really know what she enjoys now either though so it’s tough.

CouldShouldWont · 23/02/2023 19:01

Well @MissWings it didn’t specify in the OP did it?

But thank you for your comment…

MissWings · 23/02/2023 19:08

@CouldShouldWont

Pardon?

Blip · 23/02/2023 19:34

I'm an ex-boarder and enjoyed the experience.
Although my parents missed me they were delighted to be free of an onerous school run.
They also had no issues with discipline as they left that to the school so our relationship had less conflict.
Being at home for me was a lot more boring and lonely than being away at school.

Fudgeball123 · 25/02/2023 08:17

It would save DD 10 hours of commuting a week and would mean I wouldn't have to get up at 6am to drop her at public transport. Two advantages right there..

QuidNon · 09/03/2023 02:43

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/02/2023 18:43

Those sound like good reasons to board especially if she enjoys it.

How would you know if it isn't working out for her? That would be my starting point.

The main difficulty is that she can’t really communicate so we’d never know. We don’t really know what she enjoys now either though so it’s tough.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings this sounds a lot like my DS2 who is 10 and home schooled. Which residental school did you go for?

Rowen32 · 09/03/2023 05:38

MisschiefMaker · 23/02/2023 17:10

I am so sorry that you are so badly affected by this still. Hopefully, as BS becomes a more distant memory then you'll find it easier to forgive yourself and move on.

Also, it is worth noting that you'll never know the counterfactual. For example, if he'd gone to a day school he may have been in a horrible road accident on one of the commutes. So there is never any point in berating yourself about the past too harshly.

Show quote history

This is so completely tone deaf and not helpful at all

Theos · 09/03/2023 05:56

MisschiefMaker · 20/02/2023 18:49

Just that really.

In what ways has your life improved since enrolling your DC in boarding school?

Or, if you're an ex boarder, how did your parents and broader family benefit from the decision?

“Yeah it’s great because I’ve put my kids into a kennel “

magicthree · 09/03/2023 06:19

Blip · 23/02/2023 19:34

I'm an ex-boarder and enjoyed the experience.
Although my parents missed me they were delighted to be free of an onerous school run.
They also had no issues with discipline as they left that to the school so our relationship had less conflict.
Being at home for me was a lot more boring and lonely than being away at school.

Why did your parents bother to have children - it seems they didn't want any of the harder parts of being a parent. Leaving discipline to the school - wow!

louise5754 · 09/03/2023 06:49

Military families don't NEED boarding school though. Our eldest is nearly 13 and I stayed in one place the whole time (17 years in total). Fuck that. Choosing to see DH everyday (when not in conflict/training) or my DDs? No brainier. We hardly see him but my kids are my kids.

louise5754 · 09/03/2023 06:55

There was a documentary about boarding school. The father was army and the husband and wife moved 4 hours away from the school. The husband went away for 6 months. The wife was in this city alone. Married with kids but on her own.

Blip · 09/03/2023 06:59

@magicthree that's how boarding school works. The school does take over on discipline - making sure you get up in time for school, that you do your homework and all aspects of behaviour 24/7.
The time you spend at home is holiday time so that tends to be more relaxed and not much discipline required.
My parents had children because they wanted them. They also had very busy lives running businesses. They didn't choose boarding school to reduce their workload and stress at home but this was an obvious result that did make their lives easier.
I hated my day school but really enjoyed boarding school as I could be with my friends all the time and there were loads of great activities after school and at the weekends.

Original poster
MisschiefMaker · 09/03/2023 09:47

louise5754 · 09/03/2023 06:49

Military families don't NEED boarding school though. Our eldest is nearly 13 and I stayed in one place the whole time (17 years in total). Fuck that. Choosing to see DH everyday (when not in conflict/training) or my DDs? No brainier. We hardly see him but my kids are my kids.

That's a really good point.

I guess for the families that do choose boarding the non-military parent is maybe unwilling to parent alone for large chunks, or they want to protect the spousal relationship from the risk you might grow apart if you spend time away from each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
MisschiefMaker · 09/03/2023 09:54

The time you spend at home is holiday time so that tends to be more relaxed and not much discipline required

@Blip this is a little misleading imo.

No discipline is needed around studying and revising for exams since that happens during term time. But during holidays some parents may want to discipline their children for other things - drinking, drugs, having multiple gfs/bfs, being rude, watching too much Telly, not taking care of their personal belongings etc. Maybe your parents checked out of all areas of discipline, which is interesting if so.

OP posts:
louise5754 · 09/03/2023 10:04

@MisschiefMaker Yes they are putting the relationship with their partner before their kids.

Blip · 09/03/2023 10:04

MisschiefMaker · 09/03/2023 09:54

The time you spend at home is holiday time so that tends to be more relaxed and not much discipline required

@Blip this is a little misleading imo.

No discipline is needed around studying and revising for exams since that happens during term time. But during holidays some parents may want to discipline their children for other things - drinking, drugs, having multiple gfs/bfs, being rude, watching too much Telly, not taking care of their personal belongings etc. Maybe your parents checked out of all areas of discipline, which is interesting if so.

There weren't any issues in the holidays over any of things you describe though so no need for discipline from my parents. It just made for way less conflict between parents and kids so a more relaxed and enjoyable relationship.