Genuinely not sure if I’m over-reacting: white strangers interrupting and ‘explaining’ things to my DC

[Eastie77Returns]

Note: I am posting this in Black MN board and looking for opinions from other Black/non-white parents.

Currently on holiday with my DC. Yesterday we visited a museum to see an exhibition. The subject area is one I’m familiar with (studied to degree level) so I was pleased my DC were interested in it. As we walked around DS asked me a question about one of the exhibits. Before I could fully answer a white lady behind us interrupted and began ‘explaining’ the answer to him. She was factually incorrect but also spoke in simplistic language as if DS was several years younger than he is. She then smiled at me and said it’s lovely that he likes museums. I turned to DS without replying and proceeded to answer this question (correctly).

The reason it hit a nerve is that this is not the first time white strangers have felt the need to jump in and explain things to my DC when I’ve been out with them in spaces like museums, exhibitions etc. My instinct tells me if I presented as a white, middle-class parent this wouldn’t happen. BUT I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive. Have any other Black parents experienced similar?

I am white and understand you’re interested in other bame parents experiences so scroll on if you wish.

I’m quite likely to do this to any child in a museum. Hopefully not incorrectly. The comment about him liking museums sounds like a misplaced attempt at allyship or just being friendly to you and is utterly cringeworthy as it suggests it’s unusual. Bit like commenting on being articulate.

you just kind of did what the woman did

I'm white but interested to know the answer from other Black mums too!!!!

This is honestly weird/officious behaviour on the woman's part. Also kind of surprised this has happened to you repeatedly....it's so strange but maybe speaks to unconscious bias on their part.

I def chat to other people on occasion if out but its more like "oh you can see the tigers tail peaking out over there" or "isnt this exhibition nice for children" (general chit chat)

I mean, if she was that desperate to impart her (inaccurate) knowledge , she could’ve at least waited to see if you had an answer for YOUR child. That would’ve been the polite thing to do, because you don’t wade in into other people’s conversations like that. I have my suspicions as to why it happens.

Not a BAME parent, sorry, but I am the “wrong” type of immigrant.

To answer the question … I don’t know @Eastie77Returns . I think it’s hard to say if it’s some form of subtle and unconscious racism or if it’s just people assuming that all parents nowadays are shite. I see a lot of it on here as well, the assumption our children are on tablets all the time so if we go for a walk or something there’s a sort of hearty ‘bravo!’ at times. I can see how it is frustrating.

Good thread. This happens to me / us when we are in “white/middle class” settings. It’s like they don’t think we should be there, or if we are, we can’t possibly know what we are doing.

My daughter was playing in a multi school orchestral event and this white woman kept on butting in and telling my daughter how to set up her music stand etc. Aside from the fact that I was standing right there and available to help my own child, how did she think my daughter plays in an orchestra without knowing how to set up her stand and arrange her music?

After a few more unnecessary comments I eventually said -“she’s playing first flute today - I am sure she’s fine setting up, thanks”.

No response more than an “oh” as usual - face turned red.

I think I know what you mean.

I think it rankles because it assumes you don’t have sufficient knowledge/education/understanding to be in that particular space.

The opposite would be to assume that either you or your child have sufficient knowledge and interest in that museum exhibit and therefore engage with you on an “equal” level.

Jesus Christ.

Thanks and yes, this is what I mean - the behaviour when we are in settings that we are not “usually” found in. And it’s infuriating when you, as a parent, are right there with your child and strangers wade in to explain things to do them as if you’re invisible.

I’m now trying to think if this has happened to me.

I’m also irritated (but not surprised) that despite you clearly stating you weren’t asking their opinions, white women immediately felt COMPELLED to chip in on this thread. It really illustrates your point.

I don’t mind the white input, personally. Anything that helps people become more self aware is good I think.

I work in a museum and I do often see overly enthusiastic visitors imparting to others, absolutely everything they've ever learned, both correctly and incorrectly.

They even do it to me, like they think I'm completely unaware of the 600 year old history of the building I've worked in for years 🙄

Yes this.

For the avoidance of confusion, I’ll repeat again that I’m looking for opinions/experiences of other Black parents.

If you are a White parent I understand you may be interested in replies here so feel free to watch the thread.

Otherwise if you have any other comments, thoughts or perspectives you can express them on your own thread about the matter. This is the case if you are a white parent of mixed heritage children or if your SIL’s second cousin’s son is married to a Black woman and you “know she has never faced this issue” so you want to let me know that I’m being over-sensitive. That’s great, thanks, but I’m not interested in your views.

I am also white. My children are w/ba.
I think she was as rude as fuck and yes, made assumptions as white people often do. And I'm putting that very kindly.
Now i'll haul my white arse out of this space that is absolutely not made for me to explain to you how you are wrong and try to tell you that you are not seeing what you 100% are seeing.

Im sorry for intruding. It came up in active and some replies pissed me off. Ill see myself out.

Unfortunately my experience is the thread will quickly become completely derailed by non-Black contributors who will minimise experiences of Black parents and then begin explaining the myriad ways Black people can also be racist etc etc.

Sorry
Sorry if I minimised. And sorry for taking space.

I have found this, the explaining . Also white people congratulating me and my DH for taking our children to the museum/art gallery/cathedral. They are always very polite, but they do feel the need to explain. I find it irritating. Particularly as both me and my DH have degrees in the relevant areas.
Would they do this if we weren't Black? I have to say that I've never been tempted to share my knowledge and expertise with white strangers.

We visited St Paul's Cathedral and a white couple actually came up to us and said "well done for bringing them here".

Heavenly Father 🤦🏾‍♀️!

You needn't bother about whether you're overreacting anymore. The 'centreing' is all over your explicitly prefaced OP.

The constant need to interject is like a compulsion.

Jesus. It’s just awful really.

I would have been tempted to reply “..you mean as opposed to bringing them to the drugs den we usually take them to?”

😂😂good one!
I would be so irritated by the explaining, though. Like you, I've got knowledge to a degree level on a subject and was more than capable of explaining things, but it did happen. Mine are adults now, and I'm sorry this is still happening to Black families, 20 years on.

Yep. The “well done you” is really patronising.

I also remember reading an article by a Black journalist who visited a Centre Parks with her Black husband and kids. She was approached by a white woman who told her it was so lovely to see a family “like yours, with dad around providing a positive role model for your son”.

The assumptions people make are wild. I’ve been asked twice by colleagues at work who’ve found out I have children if it’s tough juggling single parenthood and work. I replied I imagine it is but I wouldn’t know from experience as I’m not a single parent.

You go up to children and answer questions that they have asked their mothers? Why???

A man came up to my children in Sherwood Forest and told them off for laughing. I’ve also been asked if my children both have the same dad by a total stranger. Yes, he’s a high earning FD three degrees.

Oh dear god. I remember when my son was a teenager, he was asked if he saw his dad regularly. "Yes, we live in the same house" was his reply.

I think you’re over-reacting.

I’m thinking more of shared experiences, looking at a display, tour bus, in a shop, yes I’d talk to a child, make a positive or neutral comment or answer a question. However the “constant need to interject” and centering comments above have made me realise it’s not welcome.