Genuinely not sure if I’m over-reacting: white strangers interrupting and ‘explaining’ things to my DC

[Eastie77Returns]

Note: I am posting this in Black MN board and looking for opinions from other Black/non-white parents.

Currently on holiday with my DC. Yesterday we visited a museum to see an exhibition. The subject area is one I’m familiar with (studied to degree level) so I was pleased my DC were interested in it. As we walked around DS asked me a question about one of the exhibits. Before I could fully answer a white lady behind us interrupted and began ‘explaining’ the answer to him. She was factually incorrect but also spoke in simplistic language as if DS was several years younger than he is. She then smiled at me and said it’s lovely that he likes museums. I turned to DS without replying and proceeded to answer this question (correctly).

The reason it hit a nerve is that this is not the first time white strangers have felt the need to jump in and explain things to my DC when I’ve been out with them in spaces like museums, exhibitions etc. My instinct tells me if I presented as a white, middle-class parent this wouldn’t happen. BUT I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive. Have any other Black parents experienced similar?

Are you white?

Why do you think that? Has this happened to you?

Sorry, deleting as I just reaslied you did not ask for white posters to contribute.

There are a lot of know-alls out there - but otoh it could be a race thing.

Ah yes. My cousin has 3 children and has been married for 12 years. A teacher at her oldest son’s school asked if his dad was “actively involved”.

Have had this too, a couple of times. Once in a supermarket when DC asked for sweets, and as I opened my mouth to say no but let's go and choose the bread we came in for, a white woman behind us smiled in a sickly sweet way and said 'oh no, mum, we mustn't be having sugary things on our teeth must we!'. I was so incensed that I almost wanted to buy the sweets. Luckily DC was so shocked I was able to quickly steer us away from both sweets and interfering busybody. Did occur to me then, does she think I don't know or teach dental hygiene to my kids?! Would she have said it to a white mother?

Im mixed race and kids dad is black and this wouldnt bother me, also never get asked if he’s involved or if they have the same dad 🤷‍♀️ maybe it depends where you live

Ugh, you did well to respond as you did, @Eastie77Returns . I am a brown parent of mixed race children (all have a different experience as all have different skintone and features etc).

You were measured and polite in response, not sure i would'vebeen, but the important thing is that you taught your DC that you know enough just fine and they don't need to heed some white s spokesperson.

Maybe they are racist, maybe they are just rude it’s hard to tell with some people.

I think the fact that the interaction activated your spidey senses means that you sub-consciously and correctly picked up on certain cues. I am mixed race and I used to wonder if I was over reacting at these kinds of interactions, but I noticed that black women have never been part of them - it has only ever been a white person who has, in a social setting, talked over me, interrupted a conversation, been patronising etc. It is exhausting because it is so hard to call out when it is happening. But museum woman is not butting in and yapping at white families.

Black mum here!

I am trying to think of an example, but a similar situation happened when I dropped my DD off to an audition.

I annoyingly couldn’t make it as had a newborn and a family event that same day, so had to drive back and pick her up 2 hours later.

When I picked up my DD she said a white woman and her daughter spent the whole day speaking to her and asking her questions. Saying it’s a shame her mum (me) couldn’t watch her, but she is more than welcome to sit with them. Asking her if she came alone etc etc. Why her mum/parent wasn’t there. Just being so nosy!

My DD said the tone was as if she was assuming she didn’t have a family. Or mum was too busy to care. And she felt embarrassed. Plus the sport she was auditioning for barely has much diversity. And they did tell us that we could drop our kids and pick them up after the audition - as it was more of a trial class than a proper audition.

I just thought it was so odd and judgemental.

OP specifically said she was looking for opinions from black/non-white people.
Sure it’s an open forum bla bla but really?

I am not looking to argue. I said I don’t mind. Personally.

This has happened to me. I am black British. In my case, I usually notice that the person does that with lots of other museum patrons. That’s because I have to sit and rest on benches alot while my DC roam the specific room/area. (I am in poor health due to breast cancer and autoimmune conditions that cause chronic pain and fatigue).

So we can be in one 20sqm section for around a half hour. I have observed that they must be either volunteers or lonely older people just trying to have a human connection because they will approach multiple young families and try to strike up a conversation usually by engaging the child. They also tend to stay in one part of the museum…ie Renaissance Art, or the Egyptian antiquities.

Translate - “well done you “savages” for exposing your mini savages to civilisation”.

I wonder what would happen if black mums in a dance class started congratulating all the white mums for bringing their DC to learn how to catch a beat. There would be outrage. Rightfully so.

I’m sorry that happened.

I’m white, and no stranger has ever interacted with my kids over my head in cultural spaces. (Eye rolled at me doing so - sure! Assumed they knew more than me: no)

I hear what you are saying but I think OP’s case is slightly different from yours.

In your case you are seated away from your children.

In OP’s case as I understand it, she was standing right next to her DC. If you are lonely/volunteering etc - it might be best to engage with the adult present first - rather than just wading in blindly.

I am sorry for your health troubles 💐.

😂yes!
I'd never do that. Just as I'd never presume to "educate" a child when they are there with their parents. That's a pretty arrogant assumption that they know so little, you have to step in, isn't it?

I think if your children are roaming in the museum that's slightly different to people actually talking when a parent is with them.
I wish you improved health and strength 🙏.

Omg I had a nearly identical interaction there! I wonder if it's the same couple. They also congratulated me just outside on my son eating an apple.

An apple! That's brilliant 😂!
Mine are adults now, so this was some time ago. It just saddens me that things haven't moved on.

It's called being friendly

What is?

Urghh, I’m sorry. That must have been so uncomfortable for your DD. I honestly can’t believe (well I suppose I can) that people think it’s appropriate to be so intrusive.

All the fucking time. White women are the worst for it and middle aged and older white men. It's like they arent comfortable unless they are managing someone or something. We had a woman at my son's party who started clapping her hands and announcing we will now start games because it all seemed to free flowing to her. I had to exolain that there are at least 10 ND kids here plus kids of all age groups and this is how we do things as structured whole group activities don't work for everyone.

She thought I was a Black mum who doesnt know how to organise a group of children whereas I am actually know the kids and have set up a multi-activity, low social pressure room which caters to their special needs.

Also the mums who go out and buy a pair of (shit) trainers, and wear a special "loose" outfit because theyre going on a school trip or helping out at sports day. You know like you can tell they specially chose an outfit which they thought would look the part. They've bought a whistle for the day etc. Can't stand it.