Genuinely not sure if I’m over-reacting: white strangers interrupting and ‘explaining’ things to my DC

[Eastie77Returns]

Note: I am posting this in Black MN board and looking for opinions from other Black/non-white parents.

Currently on holiday with my DC. Yesterday we visited a museum to see an exhibition. The subject area is one I’m familiar with (studied to degree level) so I was pleased my DC were interested in it. As we walked around DS asked me a question about one of the exhibits. Before I could fully answer a white lady behind us interrupted and began ‘explaining’ the answer to him. She was factually incorrect but also spoke in simplistic language as if DS was several years younger than he is. She then smiled at me and said it’s lovely that he likes museums. I turned to DS without replying and proceeded to answer this question (correctly).

The reason it hit a nerve is that this is not the first time white strangers have felt the need to jump in and explain things to my DC when I’ve been out with them in spaces like museums, exhibitions etc. My instinct tells me if I presented as a white, middle-class parent this wouldn’t happen. BUT I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive. Have any other Black parents experienced similar?

I don't believe that you are overreacting, though some posters with no experience of living in black, or brown skin, will be desperate to tell you otherwise. Why they always feel the need to let their opinion be known, all the time, is something to behold.

This, absolutely. Why minimise it?

Why are there so many deleted posts?
Folks are not ever going to beat those allegations. It's not as if the OP isn't really clear.

It’s so bizarre, you’d think the dad would be more interested in focusing on his own child but obviously decided he needed to take your parentless DC under his wing🙄

I think it comes from a place of assumed superiority? A belief that your opinion must be heard, even if a conversation has nothing to do with you and there is a polite request that you do not get involved in it.

More than that its a particular type of white MC liberal doing performance anti racism. It doesn’t take many museum trips or DC playing for orchestras to spot them from a mile off. I never experienced this from WC white women where I grew up - ignorance sometimes but not that patronising “look at me I’m soo liberal I talk to black and brown people”.

That said, as per @MuseumAssistant there are tedious people who just cannot stop themselves sharing anything and everything without considering the lucky recipient of their “expertise”. One of my SiLs spent a number of years as a curator and would describe the type which ranged from the simply lonely to the gob almighty types. Guess which type would chat to her like a human and which would assume she was the cleaner?

I think you're onto something there, @C8H10N4O2 - the performative "anti racism", but done in a very patronising way, as some of us have described. I didn't need to be congratulated for expanding my children's cultural capital. I was only too aware, as we all are, of the issues.

@Eastie77Returns
She was being a patronising biased superior minded cow in my opinion
I doubt she'd have shoved her nose in if you'd been white and explained it so simply (and stupidly obviously wrong) as your DC wouldn't/couldnt have understood because he's brown and so therefore would not ever have known/heard proper english speech; because how would someone looking like you possibly know anything of value to pass onto your child??
If anything like this ever happens again just say nothing and take DC and yourself away from it; am really peeved off with white people thinking that what crude hearsay they know is gospel everything about us all as a homogenous brown blob with a "naice" few thrown in.
So NO you're not over reacting,
To them
You probably look "acceptable"
So therefore they've a right to assume they can patronise you and show they're 'not racist' as you stand there and become part of their little show
Don't ever dare allow them. Ever

Would it not have occurred to you that this woman was simply being friendly and supportive to your DC? Why assume the worst? Could you not have considered that her behaviour was coming from a good place? It takes a village after all. A lot of white woman baiting on this thread. It will make many people stop and think twice before being friendly and inclusive.

I also thought this was quite sad… they were being friendly and supportive and would no doubt have done the same if @Orangeandgold’s child were white. I know I would, especially if I had my own child with me!

Good. Their attempts at inclusion are insulting.

I’m fine with that. If it makes one white woman think twice before rudely interrupting a private conversation between a Black parent and their child then that is great. There was nothing inclusive about the woman’s behaviour. Why does my child need to be ‘supported’ by a complete stranger when I was already answering his question?

There is no white woman baiting on the thread. I posted on the Black MN board and asked only for the opinions and lived experiences of Black parents. Several white women completely ignored this polite request and proceeded to post racist and abusive comments that MN had to remove.

I was referring to the audition scenario where the child was alone. No interruption there at all, simply a mum looking out for a DC.

Would it ever have occurred to you or that woman that the child didnt want their own parent there, so being parented by a total stranger where they are forced to be polite was even further from their ideal for the audition?

In my similar scenario my dc didn’t want or need anybody to look out for them. My dc have their own parents, they don’t need ‘a mum’ looking out for them. This mother had made the decision that her child would be OK at this audition, presumably there were staff there. Parents know the capabilities of their own children.

I would stop and talk to a child who looked lost in the supermarket or somewhere like that but not at an event that was designed for children to be there and it was the adults who were the ‘add on’ who didn’t need to be there. It’s not a great situation for the child to be in. They know the staff are safe adults but now they have to deal with a stranger in a place where they shouldn’t have to. Just because that person is a ‘mum’.

But whether a child wants to be looked out for or not is a separate and valid issue; it has nothing to do with whether the child was black or white or whether the person hoping to be friendly, is some sort of racist!

It will make many people stop and think twice before being friendly and inclusive.

Don’t threaten us with a good time. 🥳

@italianlondongirl as a black woman you can sense undertones. It may not be intentionally malicious, but my DD was not the only child that was there alone. The club is majority white, and she was maybe 1 of 3 black children out of the 50 that were there.

In the email we were told that we as parents did not need to be there, we could drop our children off, and pick them up after 2 hours. They were out in groups and had moments where there was some waiting. So it wasn’t even an individual audition.

I understand an adult making small talk for a few seconds, but I think it’s odd for an adult to befriend a child like that. My DD said “I think she felt sorry for me as she kept talking to me”. It’s different if the girls (as in 2 young people) were getting along and then the adult joined in, but she felt the need to “protect” my child in an environment where she didn’t need that. It actually made her feel worse.

Im bringing this up because I wonder why she felt a black child that was on their was so vulnerable. My DD said she kept asking lots of questions that implied she was just “left there”. Like “oh it’s a shame your mum couldn’t be here” “is your mum working” “You can stay with us since your mum cannot watch you”. Asking lots of questions. Me and my DD have pretty intelligent conversations, so she was open about it on the drive home.

I didn’t mention race to my DD, but when I picked her up she found the interaction strange, thought the woman was too much, but said she seemed kind. It was weird enough for her to tell me about it. My instinct told me race could have played a factor.

I want to say that I had a similar conversation with one of my black friends who was getting too friendly with my child. She was calling my DD at early hours of the morning so that she could walk with her child to school. It was weird. But that was a mum friend. And the reason was different. But still inappropriate.

Being too friendly with a child that you don’t know is weird and puts the child in an awkward situation.

Hopefully this should make them stop and think twice before involving themselves with people that aren’t asking them to be involved with them.

And therein lies the problem: a society where people don’t look out for each other or exchange pleasantries. Not exactly progressive is it?

This situation is absolutely not about pleasantries, nor is it about looking out for each other.

And yet if the woman in question had been unfriendly, unhelpful, hostile, she would have been accused of lord knows what. Very sad attitude.

Would it help you (well meaning white people on this thread) to understand if you think in terms of male/female dynamics. A lot of the grumpy "well I won't be nice to your kids then" or "sounds like they were just being helpful" posts feel (to me) like men on threads about cat calling saying "well I suppose none of you women want compliments then humph".

It’s the equivalent of mansplaining @Mithralwhich white women understand very well, when applied to white women. I wouldn’t waste your typing explaining it though lol

Edited for typo

Or she could’ve just … not got involved. There’s a neutral state of being , you know?