Black women and dating, urggghh!

[AudreLorde]

Hi! I'm an old MNer who's back with a new name after more than a decade. Right now I feel like I really need to hear about the dating experiences of other Black women in this country, as I'm frankly fed up. I'm in my 50s, dark-skinned, decent-looking, well-educated, my friends tell me I'm a catch (aww, bless - you can always rely on your girlfriends 🥰), and hetero. I get so little male interest it's almost hilarious! I just checked my data on a dating app, and I've sent 270 likes since September, which resulted in 25 actual matches and precisely four dates! It's not great odds! 😅 But it totally reflects a lifetime of bad dating experiences, and it makes no noticeable difference how much work I do on myself. So I'd love to hear if other Black women (of all shades, generations, sexualities, abilities, etc) are experiencing something similar or having more success than me! I've heard that UK dating is worse for Black women than other countries, interestingly. But do I really have to leave the country to find love?!?! 😂

Side note: if you're about to post something like 'it's not about skin colour', I'm going to first ask you to ask yourself how much experience you have dating as a Black woman. If the answer is 'none', please don't post, because this is a hurtful topic for many Black women. Feel free to lurk and learn, but just leave it there, thanks! 😊

Of course they're not, they just had to stick their oar in to deny our experiences.

Glad I missed that whole episode, but of course I can see straight away (from the one remaining post) exactly where it was heading. It was only a matter of time before someone came along with zero knowledge or lived experience just to say it's not racism - as if we can't see through their intention when they reframe it as a question. 🤦🏾‍♀️ 😅

I'm glad most non-Black women here have been thoughtful and respectful, as requested.

I have a white friend in her early 50s and the only interest she gets on dating apps is from men aged 65+

I don't doubt that skin colour makes it harder, but I think the biggest factor here is age, and the fact that men over 40 tend to think that they are entitled to someone at least 10 years younger than them.

I'm not trying to diminish your experience as a black woman, I'm just saying, you're not alone. Sadly, I think this is a pretty universal experience for women in your age bracket. On a more positive note, I have a dark skinned colleague who met her lovely, attractive, well off partner in the gym when she was in her 50s. They have a very nice life together.

It's certainly more comfortable to put it down to age rather than racism. Are you writing as a Black woman? There are lots of thoughtful posts on here about Black women's experiences. And I'm glad for your friend who found love. 😊

What is OLD please? I've seen it referred to in a few posts and I cannot work out what it means!

OnLine Dating

@AudreLorde No I'm not a black woman, I'm mixed race.

I'm not saying that race isn't an issue, I think most people know that it is, at least to some degree, because there has been so much research and media coverage on how race affects dating preferences, but I doubt that it's helpful to read about this.

There are loads of factors that affect how easy/difficult it is to date, many of which are completely out of your control (for men, being Asian, or being short, tends to make things more difficult). However, that doesn't mean that you won't find anybody. My friend met her partner in the gym after years of unsuccessful online dating.

The men who are bothered by race aren't going to be the sort of men you want to date anyway, so you at least have a free wanker filter. You don't have to your waste your time and then find out that they are a racist prick later.

Hi there OP, just to say from the outset that I am white - albeit the daughter of an immigrant who was subjected to terrible abuse when she came to the UK in the 50,s . I am no way saying for one second I understand your lived experiences but regarding dating…I was widowed when I was 33 and after a while signed up to RSVP introduction agency, it was bloody expensive but they do lots of events etc as well as introductions and that was what appealed to me….sods bloody law meant that I met my now DH before I was matched with anyone or went to an event but the whole “ feel” of it was positive….. I really, really hope you take my reply with the love and sincerity it’s written with….all the best for 2025 xx

Ok thanks for clarifying, as it sounded like you were saying racism isn't that big an issue. And fwiw if you're mixed race with Black heritage, you're still going to be racialised as Black so you'll probably have more experience of this than a White person.

I actually do find the research helpful, because without it, you can spend a lifetime thinking you're just not attractive, when in fact the problem is that they are socialised to see Whiteness as the epitome of attractiveness. And yes, I know that about Asian men (I think this affects East Asian men the most) and short men.

I laughed at your "wanker filter"! 🤣 True! Although it also means the dating pool is much reduced, and it shrinks ever more as we get older. Great for your gym friend! 🥰 A few people here have mentioned the idea of hobbies, I think this is worth looking into.

That's so awful about the abuse your mum suffered; it was so vicious and blatant back then. Your poor mum. 😔 And I'm so sorry for you with losing your first spouse so young.

You're probably not wrong about an introductions agency. I think I'm going to ditch the apps and try out these new suggestions.

Well you sound like a wonderfully warm, intelligent and classy lady OP and I wish you your male equivalent in 2025…take care xx

Awww...shucks! 😁 Thank you. ❤

My black teenage daughter has been described as beautiful, clever, funny, physically attractive etc - BUT BLACK- twice. On both occasions friends have noticed and said - you really like her, why not ask her out - and that's been the reason.

I believe this is why the OP asked for responses for persons who understand just what she's talking about.

I’m black mixed race woman in late forties. I met my ex husband in my late 30’s via online dating- sadly the marriage is no more. I’m now late forties and dating is horrendous!
Yes, absolutely black women are disadvantaged, overlooked and fetishised- and on top of all this we have to contend with the general time wasters and ghoster’s.

I have now decided that a couple of FWBs is the way forward, we meet for casual dates and physical exercise - I’m good.
It’s not for everyone- it works for me.

I really, really feel for your daughter and for you. This is exactly it. It is so painful.

It's the denigration of not just our shades of brown, but the very essence of Blackness - despite being a brilliant young woman, people see her Blackness as a downgrade - thereby arrogantly positioning themselves above her.

I wish your outstanding daughter the self-love to stride out every day in joyful knowledge and appreciation of her brilliance, and that every day she reaches out courageously to shape her life in every single way that she chooses. 💫❤💪🏾

I'm really sorry for the pain of your marriage ending, and glad that you've found a solution that works for you. It is sad, though, that you've had to settle for this, as it sounds (reading between the lines) as though you perhaps would still like to find a relationship.

"Disadvantaged, overlooked and fetishised" - exactly. Unfortunately, you totally get it.

Thank you. It was really hurtful to hear at first. Easier the second time, because she thinks that one's an ass anyway. It also helped that a few of the friendship group were openly disgusted at the attitude.

She is a confident and self-assured young woman and I'm hoping that doesn't leave her. In the meantime we just continue to love her, shore up her self-esteem and support her in being the brilliant, amazing young woman she is 💪🏾💎.

I hope you find the love/relationship you deserve 🙏🏾🖤.

It sounds like she has wonderful support from you all. And thank you. ❤

Hi! I have two young adult daughters I’m white they are mixed (Jamaican dad) one is light skinned (very much so actually) the other is very dark and barely looks mixed race. It breaks my heart to see her passed over compared to her sister. They have mutual friends and go out in groups and my lighter skinned daughter gets more attention has had a few boyfriends etc. My darker daughter confides this in a jokey way but I can tell it must be hurtful. They are so very similar in facial features and figures apart from skin tone . How the hell can black men especially pass over black women there are some who exclusively date white or light skinned. How they can look their mothers and sisters in the face when they see them as “lesser “ j will never know. Sorry rant over!!! Btw OP you sound soo friendly and lovely any man would be lucky to have you!!

The irony lol

I've joined this new dating app a couple of days ago, Breeze, and already have a first date lined up for Friday.

Although you select the person you want to date, it seems you don't chat to them before you meet. I'll report back on how it goes.

This is really sad, and sadly not surprising. Your poor daughter. 😔 The reason why even Black men do this is the same reason men of any ethnic heritage do it: internalised racism. It's something they will fight tooth and nail to avoid facing, but it's sadly a fact. And although it's a very awkward question to ask, I have to wonder how many dark-skinned Black women your own Black partner dated before he met you.

I really hope your daughter meets some wonderful someones who make her feel as special and beautiful as she deserves. 🥰

Well, good luck on Friday! I really hope it goes well, and that you get lots more dates. 🥰

@AudreLorde my partner has had black partners before me! If I had a son I would be very disappointed if he discounted black women. I know I’m white but I just can’t fathom it at all to reject your own culture? Thank you for your lovely comments about my daughter. I don’t doubt she will find someone amazing !

This struck a chord for me as my brother exclusively (my words not his) dates white (blonde) women.
When asked why in the past (please note I'm not anti interracial relationships but anti black men who don't date black women for some of the reasons you've already noted) he has churned out the familiar negative stereotypes about attitudes of black woman, white women being easier to deal with and other crap. We are not close as I just can't with his attitude. Interestingly his ex-partner who began to hold him to account and want to make progress in life was replaced for a blonder more docile model.

I think date according to your best match and physical attraction should definitely play a part but the perception that light or white is where it's at is just tiresome and, as this thread has shown, has a direct impact on the dating pool choices.

At an event I was at on the weekend (40 age group and urban London) there were a number of fairly successful men with the majority having mixed-race or white partners. This in itself sends a message out and how it is interpreted by othere depends on your own sense of self.
Single men if you wanna be part of this clique and get the ratings then you need a non-black looking woman.
Women if you have darker skin then don't think you can get these successful men
Women if you have lighter skin then you can be the belle of the ball and take your pick.

There were plenty of (presumably) single women there of all shades but the men not attached to women were mostly eying up the non-black and mixed women.

I myself am neither light or dark (Jamaicans will say brown) but have experienced being considered as both so I definitely am aware that there is a favouritism towards the fairer skin. I'd have liked to think that with all the knowledge we have about colonialism and our history we could, by now, determine our own standards of beauty.

It sounds as though your daughter is resilient and will be ok. Our views of ourself often starts with our parental relationships so it's great you are tuned into this. My mum would tell me from a young age that I was beautiful and to not let anyone ever tell me otherwise. I believe that stood me in good stead when I was younger (skinny, no boob's, general black features, thick afro hair).

It's good that your partner did not reject Black women as potential partners. I also think if you're finding it hard to fathom, it sounds like it would be worth your doing some more learning about how racism shows up in us. Have you read Me and White Supremacy, by Layla Saad? It's disappointing but not surprising to me that Black men do this and (as @therealkatnisseverdeen said) that they then blame Black women in order to hide their own internalised racism. That would be like a police officer blaming all young Black men for the high stop-and-search statistics against them! 🤦🏾‍♀️ Black men need to develop the courage to face this nonsense in themselves.