Black women and dating, urggghh!

[AudreLorde]

Hi! I'm an old MNer who's back with a new name after more than a decade. Right now I feel like I really need to hear about the dating experiences of other Black women in this country, as I'm frankly fed up. I'm in my 50s, dark-skinned, decent-looking, well-educated, my friends tell me I'm a catch (aww, bless - you can always rely on your girlfriends 🥰), and hetero. I get so little male interest it's almost hilarious! I just checked my data on a dating app, and I've sent 270 likes since September, which resulted in 25 actual matches and precisely four dates! It's not great odds! 😅 But it totally reflects a lifetime of bad dating experiences, and it makes no noticeable difference how much work I do on myself. So I'd love to hear if other Black women (of all shades, generations, sexualities, abilities, etc) are experiencing something similar or having more success than me! I've heard that UK dating is worse for Black women than other countries, interestingly. But do I really have to leave the country to find love?!?! 😂

Side note: if you're about to post something like 'it's not about skin colour', I'm going to first ask you to ask yourself how much experience you have dating as a Black woman. If the answer is 'none', please don't post, because this is a hurtful topic for many Black women. Feel free to lurk and learn, but just leave it there, thanks! 😊

All age ranges I'm afraid! Late 20s, early 30s, late 40s and mid-50s. Most with Caribbean heritage but a few Nigerian/Ghanaians amongst them.

I recall even at Uni that the pool was incredibly small for what I was looking for at the time. Hasn't changed either when I look at who else is in the industry I'm in.

Good luck @AudreLorde - as an aside, great choice of username! Have 'Your Silence will not protect you' on my bedside table for dipping into.

Thanks all, for all your responses. You've all shared so many interesting thoughts.

Three dozen single Black women in the male African poster's social circle! How does that compare to the White women that you know? And out of interest, what's your wife's ethnic heritage?

I can relate to the woman who's given up on dating; and it is really, really sad and also makes me angry that so many Black women should be isolated from this basic, essential aspect of life because of racism. People still generally seem to believe that their perception of attractiveness is innate, not learned.

To the Indian lady - I hear you! I see you! ❤ Colourism is probably just as bad in South Asian cultures as in African cultures; and owing to enslavement and colonisation, it's likely the same in the Caribbean. The arms of colonisation have reached deep into our cultures and completely changed the ways in which we view and treat each other. I very much believe that Black men who overlook Black women have to come to terms with the painful reality of their own internalised racism, whether they like it or not - rather than distracting themselves from reality by claiming the myths that 'Black women are too this and that'.

This has been a really interesting (but sadly not eye-opening, sigh) thread. I'll have to decide what to do about my own relationship with dating; but I will definitely be challenging Black men about their dating preferences. Thanks so much to everyone who's kindly shared their thoughts here. And for the compliment about my name! 😁

Would you mind answering a white woman's question about what you have said?

I won't , as requested , comment on dating but are you saying that most white men wont date black women? Or darker skinned women are not looked at as attractive by other people of colour? I know that it's a thing that some people in some cultures perceive the lighter their own skin, the better, unfortunately; but does that roll over into dating also in your experience?

Colourism does impact dating.

Yes there's racism from white men and non-black poc towards Black women when dating, I personally don't date neither white or non-Black men as there's also a lot of fetishisation

I only ever had serious relationships with white men and I did date a few black men and a few dates with an Indian guy so that is simply not true. I also know quite a few black women married to white men as am I. My husband and I met at med school dated on and off and then finally settled into a serious relationship. Also other white men I dated were medics.

I honestly think the problem is mostly down to age sadly and sweetshop mentality from men when it comes to OLD. When my DH and I were not dating (early 30s) I dabbled in OLD and felt at 32 men were awful though I did have quite a few dates. Most matches at 32 were with men in and around 40 and even at that age men are said to prefer 25 year olds! Comparing to my mid twenties it was much easier then.

Majority of white women that I know now and then, are either married or partnered e.g. former university class mates, work colleagues, moms from DDs classes etc. Off course the divorce and separation rate is high across all age ranges but more so now in older people. The whys is very much reflected in the endless mumsnet relationship issues threads.

Despite UK black population being only 3%, older black women in my view will have better chances of marriage/partnership here than on the African continent. Generally most of Africa still has customs of bride price which means preference will be for younger women without children e.g. under 25 years. Marrying or partnering with older or women with kids is still in the main culturally and socially discouraged.

My wife is of black African heritage and counting 16 years together and marriage.
N.B: Prior to marriage dated women of all races without specific preferences, just a matter of attraction and personality.

I don't think you can compare WW partnership status with BW since our numbers in the UK are so low.I do think any woman dating when older needs to be more flexible when it comes to age and race.

Thanks for answering. OLD is hard enough without adding that into the mix. I can't even comprehend about fetishising black women.

Yes, as stated by an earlier poster, racism impacts dating just as it does other areas of life. Otherwise, it would be like putting the racist beliefs you've absorbed into a box, going on dates with people of all ethnic heritages, then opening the box again and going back to racist business as usual. 😁

Also worth noting that dating outside one's ethnic group doesn't make one anti-racist, and I know people who have been subjected to racist harms by their life partners - some of it really bad, actually. Basically if you haven't actively worked to become anti-racist, you're going to do racist stuff in relationships whether you realise it or not. Sigh.

I'm so glad for you that you've had such positive experiences! 🤩 You're the first one here to say so. Other people have shared negative experiences at all ages. And yes, the way men start seeking seriously young women to date once they hit 40! 🤦🏾‍♀️ So it's ageism, misogyny, racism...we haven't even touched on the impact of prejudice against other protected characteristics! Think I need to forget about men and take up knitting...😅

Well, I hadn't even considered the bride price aspect. But I refuse to submit to the patriarchal culture in my country of heritage, so for that reason alone I would not go there to seek a partner.

Interesting comparison of relationship status between women of different heritages that you know. As a straw poll, I would say the same. I haven't read or conducted a scientific study into it but it's worth doing, and I'd be pleasantly surprised if the data contradicted this.

I think everyone should be flexible when it comes to 'race'; though they need to ensure they are anti-racist so that they don't subject their partners to racist harms. Age is an interesting one...I wouldn't date a significantly younger man. I've felt the best connection with men in my age group.

Indeed! 🤦🏾‍♀️😅

Meant to say congratulations on what I hope is not just a long but also a happy marriage! 🥳

I know you say experience as a black woman but the main issue is being a 50 something woman, the men in your age bracket are chasing after much younger women. I found that it was 65+ year olds messaging me when I was mid 40's (yes I had age parameters set up but they were lying about their age to evade them). Every woman I know who finds themselves single at 45+ has issues with there being seemingly no men interested. I also had issues that quite frankly several men I thought were eligible bachelors were actually married looking for affairs!

Me? I did snag one after a while, Elite rather than Hinge though.

I can't comment on colour issues obviously except to say I was open to any race, but being a Christian they needed to be ok with me being one and hopefully coming along sometimes which ruled out men who actively practiced other faiths in the main. I'm not sure whether others are as open as me though, I had no shortage of interest from Asian men I would add, they seemed superficially interested in white women though I never got to date 2 as didn't click/realised they were married!

Thanks. I have come to the realisation that marriage is a journey of continuously learning, unlearning and relearning. But that requires an open mindset which is not dogmatic about beliefs.

Lots of us on here (including me) have said we've experienced this at all ages. There's also common experiences such as being completely ignored when with White female friends.

It is hilarious how badly some men lie about their age online! I've had a lot of laughs with my friends over men who claim to be 55 when they look 90 (ok slight exaggeration, but, you know!) 🤣 As for men looking for affairs, that is a whole other pile of nonsense. Good grief. Maybe I should try Elite...I just balk at the idea of paying so much when the field has been so poor for so long. Elite might be more fun than knitting alone at home, though. 😁

Hi, Forgive me but reading the thread I am failing to see where the racism is? Having preferences in what one finds physically attractive doesn't mean the one person considers another beneath them or of less worth.

No just answering the original question?! Black women and dating…
so I ask again are you a black woman?