Black women and dating, urggghh!

[AudreLorde]

Hi! I'm an old MNer who's back with a new name after more than a decade. Right now I feel like I really need to hear about the dating experiences of other Black women in this country, as I'm frankly fed up. I'm in my 50s, dark-skinned, decent-looking, well-educated, my friends tell me I'm a catch (aww, bless - you can always rely on your girlfriends 🥰), and hetero. I get so little male interest it's almost hilarious! I just checked my data on a dating app, and I've sent 270 likes since September, which resulted in 25 actual matches and precisely four dates! It's not great odds! 😅 But it totally reflects a lifetime of bad dating experiences, and it makes no noticeable difference how much work I do on myself. So I'd love to hear if other Black women (of all shades, generations, sexualities, abilities, etc) are experiencing something similar or having more success than me! I've heard that UK dating is worse for Black women than other countries, interestingly. But do I really have to leave the country to find love?!?! 😂

Side note: if you're about to post something like 'it's not about skin colour', I'm going to first ask you to ask yourself how much experience you have dating as a Black woman. If the answer is 'none', please don't post, because this is a hurtful topic for many Black women. Feel free to lurk and learn, but just leave it there, thanks! 😊

I hear you, to this entire post. Your brother clearly has a lot going on inside that he's not managing to face. It's always easier to blame someone else, particularly if you don't then have to be accountable to them! Remember the fallout over that misogynoir behaviour from ShxtsNGigs? How many Black men took that opportunity to self-reflect on their attitudes towards us, I wonder?

I'm so intrigued by this conversation and the colourism aspect, which is extremely shocking in this day and age.

How prevalent is the colourism aspect in all aspects of life, including dating? Does this create tension between light and dark skinned women? Would you say from your own experiences that this is a common experience with men? Thanks

I'll keep this short as I don't want to derail the thread and discussions on colourism probably warrant its own thread
Colorism is still prevalent through all aspects of society and more so in particular factions of communities. Entertainment is one area that you can see this in. This isn't unique to black people.
And yes, there can be subtle tensions / relationship dynamics that play out between women depending on the tribe you associate with.

Because of my background, the profession of my partner, my culture, family and lifestyle I'm well versed on this and observe it daily.

oh boy colourism is more than just dating it impacts medical outcomes even prison sentences for darker skinned women as opposed to lighter skinned women.

You hear a lot of people complain about not feeling 'black enough' there's lots of women who are light skin and just perpetuate colourism and instead of shining the spotlight on the real horrific experiences from people who are darker skinned it pushes the spotlight onto lighter skinned people who then look like the victims when they're really not. Colourism is a hideous system and is largely why black men date white women or lighter skin non-black people or colour because they want a lighter skinned child because if they have a darker skin child it reminds them of their own internal self hatred. I want you a girl he was white and a black man and had mixed children and I asked her if she loved her or did he just love her because she went white and gave him mixed with his children. She shortly left him after our conversation as he didn't really love her he just wanted mixed race children, and I think it's a lot of white women asked their husbands a similar thing black men probably couldn't give an answer that isn't linked to colourism

@TheRealKatnissEverdeen was that event that you described similar to what I see in the industry i am in (I'm asian), where the successful senior Asian person tends to not be married to someone from their own culture?

That happens a lot in my industry both Asian and Black folk who are senior marry white.

Yes exactly that other than it was a milestone birthday private soiree where most people attended with partners. The celebrant, who is very well know, and about 8/9 other well know and respected (in their circles) men all had partners who were mixed-race.
There is a self-hatred, a lack of worth and value across parts of the diaspora. It can be more noticeable in men but it exists in women too. It impacts not only romantic relationships but parental & wider family plus
work.

I'll reiterate that I think dating who you are truly attracted to - mind, body and soul should lead you to whoever is right irrespective of race and colour. But many of us have been conditioned so view things through a distorted lens.

I'm know through friends (Bangladeshi, Pakistani, Japanese) that this also impacts Asian communities too.

thank you @MotherOfRatios @TheRealKatnissEverdeen I was worried that I'd be told off for posting here as I'm Asian xx

I always had a fantastic time dating (including OLD - which is how I met DH). The vast majority of the attention I got was almost exclusively from white men, though. Black men have never been particularly interested in me! I’m fairly attractive, but not startlingly so.

I think where you live has a major impact (I’m in central London). There’s also the issue of class, though. It has a massive impact on every aspect of our lives in the U.K., including dating, but it never seems to come up on threads like this.

I'm interested in the issue of class you mention.
Are you alluding to there not being enough suitable black men for successful black women or black men marrying out, because of a lack of what is termed 'high-caliber' black women?

Class is generally the glue that binds social groups, ime. And people of similar class and socioeconomic backgrounds tend to date and marry each other. I’ve tended to attract UMC men, as that’s what I am. They have, in turn, tended to be white, as that’s how demographics play out in this country.

I’m not talking about ‘high calibre’, as I’ve no idea what that would entail. I’m referring to class as it is understood in the U.K., and all the signifiers that go with that.

There are intersectional disadvantages around race and class, so I was interested in which angle you were coming from.

There's no knowing which class most of the women who've posted here belong to and whether they're having trouble dating within/outwith their class group; but I remember an article encouraging black women in the US to date more outside their race, instead of dating 'down'. I was wondering if that's the 'class angle '.

As for calibre/value etc, those are the buzzwords that float around when discussing dating, so wondered about that too. Thanks for clarifying.

https://nypost.com/2022/04/01/why-more-black-women-should-consider-marrying-white-men/

That’s an interesting article.

I think that most of the research and writing about this sort of thing tends to be US focussed. While there are many similarities and overlaps with the situation in the U.K., there’s also lots of differences. Class, for example, means something else entirely. It’s something that’s almost impossible to discuss outside a U.K. specific context.

When someone (and I’m sure a bunch of us will) gets round to doing U.K. based research from the varying angles, I’m sure it’ll be interesting reading.

I've decided to take a break from internet dating after being on it on and off for about a year and a half. While I've been on quite a few dates, it's always disheartening when you realise you've had good chats on the phone, then you're not attracted in person.

I've only been out on dates with Black guys over the last year or so, however met a white guy a few weeks ago who I liked, and had a lovely albeit brief first date, as we'd shoehorned it in before his pre-arranged event. Over the following week, he made absolutely no effort to engage with me, other than trying to visit me at home the next weekend.

I thought I might meet someone via networking, so have been attending more in person events. Pretty much all the Black men in the professional circles I'm in (finance) are with white women, and the few that aren't are already married to Black women. I'm so disillusioned with it now, going to see if I actually will meet someone in the wild, as they say, as dating online really is brutal.

I'm dark skinned and 47. I've had good responses with OLD. Lots of men wanting to ask me out and not understanding what no looks like. The issue is the men are not husband material

I'm not sure about more black women needing to consider marrying white men. I was married to a white man and it blew up in my face. We're both middle class. It still did not work.

I'm sure you're stunning. DM me and maybe we could go out?

Hey! I can empathise and this is my experience too. And many black women I know. It’s obvious when I look at my circles and how many single black women I know compared to women of other ethnicities.

I don’t know about better in other countries - I think it depends on the country.

This. I always hear women speak of being “innundated with matches”. I cannot even imagine what that is like.

Race does play a part though. We have lots of OLD data that shows that explicitly. I know a lot of black women in mixed marriages but that does not change what the data shows for the majority.

It's summer and dating season is back on. I'm a 47 yr old black female and i met a white male yesterday on my lunch break. It was a lovely sunny day, he looked at me, i smiled and he came over to say hello. He is taking me for a curry and i'm gonna get dolled up. He owns a media company and i'm a Chartered Accountant. It might be better to meet men in real life the old fashioned way.

Yes,
I'm sure I've read and heard about certain apps on the Web
When in use
Assuming all black people were actual apes/monkeys; even if they were doing 'human' activities ie;- driving cars and seated in restaurants..........
What does that tell you?

Lots of questions, zero contribution...

How did it go?