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Black Mumsnetters

This board exists primarily for the use of Black Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.

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Black men protesting BLM but exclusively dating white women

509 replies

LillyFlower1984 · 02/01/2021 11:02

I’m always confused about black men or men of colour in the media and RL who shout racism/BLM and so on yet when you look at their lifestyle they are married to white women. When you go on to find out more they only ever have dated/married white women.... what are people’s take on this?

OP posts:
CayrolBaaaskin · 12/01/2021 21:58

This is really a horrible racist post. Even if some men (black or white) exclusively dates white women or black women it’s entirely up to them. We fancy who we fancy and I don’t think you can really argue with that anymore than trans women can demand lesbians fancy them. If men (or women) don’t fancy you - too bad. You can’t make it an issue of discrimination.

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/01/2021 22:00

Also who you go out with has no relevance to whether or not you protest black lives matter.

I think a lot of this is just jealousy because someone you fancy doesn’t like you.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 12/01/2021 22:02

Im still on page one, still digesting the fact that the black men in your work sent you to coventry because they thought you were dating a white man, and some of them had white girlfriends.

I live in ireland i dont see this first hand but it reminds me of male travellers who do whatever they like but the female traveller are walking a tightrope still.

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/01/2021 22:06

Also a lot of pp seem to be justifying others racism- eg black men don’t date black women because they’re too argumentative or white women are bitchy, etc etc. That’s all a load of racist rubbish. If someone has those stereotypes about someone of a particular race, they are racist. So don’t give them any of your time.

SatyajitRayFan · 12/01/2021 22:13

I'm a woman of Indian origin and so I'm not supporting / defending / accusing anyone or any race when I say that I find it appalling that woman of non-black ethnicities are "cancelling" the lived experiences of black women in a page meant for black women to freely share their views and life experiences without feeling judged or having to appease other ethnicities.
If you are not fully black then you haven't experienced what black women have experienced even if you've been married to a black man for a 100 years.
You don't have to agree with what is being said here as you haven't experienced it, but you have to listen as this is the life that others have experienced.

Smiledwiththerisingsun · 12/01/2021 22:13

Isn't this a bit like saying why aren't all women lesbians? And how can any woman be a feminist if they are with a man?

It also feels quite racist.

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/01/2021 22:14

I had a colleague in a previous job who was jealous of my friendship with a black male colleague. He was gay but wasn’t out and the relationship was entirely platonic. She used to say the most horrible racist things about how she knew what he was thinking because she was black and so was he.

She didn’t know him well at all and still doesn’t. She fancied him because he had a good job and was from a good family and somehow saw herself as entitled to him because he was black. But she didn’t really know him at all.

I suppose what I’m trying to say from the above is people are people. You can’t make them fancy you and there’s a lot more to someone than being of the same skin colour.

LillyFlower1984 · 12/01/2021 22:16

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collegecarrot · 12/01/2021 22:17

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Rahrahgurl · 12/01/2021 22:17

I have literally not seen a single white women stereotype here, comment about white women being bitchy or an excuse to be racist to white women. The discussion of white Men and women has been peripheral and the central discussion on how black Men relate to black women. I would love to see these comments racist to white women.

Goodnight carrot thank you for having the decency this time around to stop derailing the thread.

LillyFlower1984 · 12/01/2021 22:19

Also to point out I don’t expect non-black women to understand by points as simply they will not be able to relate to it just for the fact that they are non-black. I will not however try to explain myself as I came here wanting a discussion with other black woken who can relate to what I’m raising. This really is a black issue hence blackmumsnet post.

OP posts:
JayDot500 · 12/01/2021 22:21

I think a lot of this is just jealousy because someone you fancy doesn’t like you.

Haahahahaha 🤣. Look, a co-signatory.

SatyajitRayFan · 12/01/2021 22:23

I'm a woman of Indian origin and so I'm not supporting / defending / accusing anyone or any race when I say that I find it appalling that woman of non-black ethnicities are "cancelling" the lived experiences of black women in a page meant for black women to freely share their views and life experiences without feeling judged or having to appease other ethnicities.
If you are not fully black then you haven't experienced what black women have experienced even if you've been married to a black man for a 100 years.
You don't have to agree with what is being said here as you haven't experienced it, but you have to listen as this is the life that others have experienced.

Rahrahgurl · 12/01/2021 22:24

@CayrolBaaaskin

I had a colleague in a previous job who was jealous of my friendship with a black male colleague. He was gay but wasn’t out and the relationship was entirely platonic. She used to say the most horrible racist things about how she knew what he was thinking because she was black and so was he.

She didn’t know him well at all and still doesn’t. She fancied him because he had a good job and was from a good family and somehow saw herself as entitled to him because he was black. But she didn’t really know him at all.

I suppose what I’m trying to say from the above is people are people. You can’t make them fancy you and there’s a lot more to someone than being of the same skin colour.

You either haven't read thread or have completely just taken your own direction and run with it if you think this is relevant or what the thread is about.

if you're not black even if you are married to/the mother/relative etc., of a black person, please refrain from posting, I assure whatever colourblind gem you think you have-it's really not

Smiledwiththerisingsun · 12/01/2021 22:29

Can't posters be capable of seeing the point you are making but also questioning you on certain points OP?

Your post reminded me of a radio programme I heard a while ago around black women & their experiences of dating:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0b0ptm9

WiseOwlRelaxing · 12/01/2021 22:35

@CayrolBaaaskin i would imagine there are repercussions for black women though. Who is left to date/marry?
I know dating and getting married not the be and end all but if the black "candidates" take themselves out of the game, and then beh!ve like those men who sent deecee to coventry for maybe playing in a different game, that is a situation stacked against women.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 12/01/2021 22:36

Win win for men

JayDot500 · 12/01/2021 22:36

@Rahrahgurl

I'm raising black sons. This is a real concern for me. Writing off an entire race of women (your own) when the majority of relationships are intra-racial smacks of self hate and skewed bias probably influenced by media stereotypes.

It is my responsibility not to police who my children love but to equip them with the skills, emotional intelligence and self love to make a decision based on actual love not fulfilling some silly stereotype, or a preference based in anti-blackness and self hate. Because if he loves himself, he will not cause harm to black women regardles of who he marries and I am safe in the knowledge that should he have a daughter he will reach her to love herself too and her own blackness. I will not participate in bringing up another generation of broken black men who accept being reduced to a fetish as a compliment or keep quiet when something affects black women.

I don't feel any ownership over any black man or do I have an expectation of any black person to have a black partner (contrary to the new bachelor's musings and thoughts), but I expect black people not to participate and perpetuate anti-blackness particularly black men against black women. That is a particular brand of mysogynoir non-black women can attest to experiencing or even begin to understand so I respectfully ask you to step back from the conversation and not participate as your feelings of this being a goady conversation come nowhere near to experiencing this or having to educate your daughters that some black men are just dumb and actually think these things and will say them to you, OUT LOUD.

I expect ALL black men to be concerned about
-the adultification of black girls
-the gap between maternal care for black women and non-black and that black women are more likely to die in childbirth
-the pay gap black women specifically experience
-the incarceration rates of black women in particular those who commit a crime defending themselves against domestic abuse

  • the plight of black single mothers especially immigrant mothers and the lack of access to public funds
-the silencing and tone policing of black women and angry black women trope along others I don't care if you are married to a black woman or not, have a sister, mother, daughter etc.. I want you to care as much as black women do about black men and their place in society. You should.

That it took so long for women like Breonna Taylor and others like Korryn Gaines to get some acknowledgement from BLM as victims is the problem. Black men the world erupts in uproar when you a victimised, things are slowly changing but the world knows it is a problem because in part black women have been lending their voices to bring attention to this issue. They have been protesting and speaking out before it was just a cool addition to your Twitter bio to show how Liberal and down you are. When will black men stand up and do the same instead of denigrating our names in some misinformed alliance to a preference baked in euro centric antiblackness in the media and then adopted by you. It's your turn to stand up and reciprocate #sayhername.

This! Mission statement ready Smile

Yet still, there are people here who would rather willfully misunderstand us and fight us on this. Ah well. I didn't think we were asking for too much 🤷🏾‍♀️

JayDot500 · 12/01/2021 22:39

[quote WiseOwlRelaxing]@CayrolBaaaskin i would imagine there are repercussions for black women though. Who is left to date/marry?
I know dating and getting married not the be and end all but if the black "candidates" take themselves out of the game, and then beh!ve like those men who sent deecee to coventry for maybe playing in a different game, that is a situation stacked against women.[/quote]
I don't know if anyone in here is a Jehovahs Witness, but this is a problem in that community. They are supposed to date within their race, and the congregations that I know have plenty of single black never married women. Why? Gender imbalance coupled with a thick layer of misogynoir.

JayDot500 · 12/01/2021 22:40

Sorry I misspoke 🤣. I meant supposed to date within their religion*

tootsytoo · 12/01/2021 22:50

I think the thread goes to show you can never understand the experience of a black woman unless you are one. It is a truly unique experience.

And others should try for one second and try and understand. Especially white posters or try and learn ask questions etc not just come back with silly flippant statements.

Whilst a disagree with the OP on that dating inter racially and Supporting BLM are not mutually exclusive IMO but many other valid points have been raised in terms of how black women are generally treated in the dating game and I agree with many,

Smiledwiththerisingsun · 12/01/2021 22:52

@JayDot500 that quote from Rahrahgul
is so eloquently put.

Someone saying that people should date their own race just feels so backwards in a multi cultural society - but I'm sorry if questioning some apparent issues with inter racial dating is completely missing the point.

Stepping back!

tootsytoo · 12/01/2021 22:53

@Smiledwiththerisingsun yes but why is it so prevalent for black men but no other race?

Can you see how there must be underlying issues in the community??

Smiledwiththerisingsun · 12/01/2021 22:57

Yes @tootsytoo I can.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 12/01/2021 22:57

Oh sorry @LillyFlower1984 ill get my coat. 100% get that i cant contribute so apologies for posting. Was expressing my shock though. Not an opinion.

With regard to the orinal conundrum tho, if a black man only ever dates white women id see that as he is investing in to a whiter future for his own dna so i can see how that is incongruous with speaking out more than normal wrt BLM. It's a compensation thing. A reaction formation