Due April 2009 - Saucy dreams, squirting boobs and spacehoppers. Whatever will the April mums get up to next?"

[PuzzleRocks]

clairey - sorry about your consultant - your situation is different to mine but i was refered to a great pelvic floor specialist after my 2nd degree rip and episiotomy broke down after a 10lb4 baby. He is my consultant this time round, when I saw him he said letting a woman who really wants to have vb after trauma was best as it does help to stretch out scar tissue (as long as she wasn't faecally incontinent). I need surgery when i have finished my family but there is some work that the knife can't do but baby's head can. My scar tissue really quite painful now being pregnant again. He said as long as baby is small enough - thus lots of growth scans and early induction and controlled birth the scar tissue should hold and stretch. Although everything I have heard about elective cs is really positive and would be nice to know when it will all start and finsh. We will see!
Sorry they were rude to you too.
Also totally understand the baby thing - can't get my head around a girl this time at all.

Thanks Oddeyes thats quite reassuring to hear. I have to say I think it must be my scar tissue that is quite achey this time as I have aches and pains Ive not had before but until all that started I have never had any problems with my tear I was never aware of it at the time and no matter how much DH or myself looked (sorry if thats TMI!)neither of us has ever been able to see where I actually tore. At this moment in time I am determined to stick to my guns and have a water birth again if at all possible as I suppose my consulant was right in that my main priority is to have as stress free and relaxed a birth as I possibly can with little or no intervention. To me that is surely going to be better for me and baby than me getting myself worked up and stressed about them cutting me and giving me an epidural (I really didnt like not being able to move my legs and feet so dont want that again!).

im glad its not just be struggling to get my head round having a girl I was starting to feel as if I was weird!!

Claire xXx

Sounds like I am quite lucky ladies..like Claire I had a horrible first labour where DD was taken out as quickly as possible after rubbish midwifery. I had a massive episiotomy which has healed awkwardly. However, when they tried to put me under consultant care I just gave them a firm no and they seemed to accept it fine, and are fine with me having waterbirth this time around.

MInd you, I did make a huge formal complaint last time as it really was bad care (didn't spot baby had turned, let me push for far too long etc.) so perhaps that's why !

I am about to go out and very excited that can wear maternity glitz and still feel fabulous

evening folks - quiet one for me as dh away for the weekend and ds went down nice and quietly. think i will go to bed pretty soon and make the most of it.

hope telling the flatmates goes well frekkles and well done for telling your ex. i agree with the others that you cant judge their reactions on the same criteria. but hope your new dp is more supportive from now on.

good to hear all the good scan stories - mines on Tuesday - cant wait. so pleased its not a work day so i can relax and enjoy it.

not so good to hear the stories of some of the more traumatic births -although interesting that most of you still feel you had a good experience and have come back for more - reaffirms my thoughts that its something you just have to get through and you will do one way or another so you might as well try and not worry.

hope you're all having a good weekend.

That's interesting, Claire.

I wonder if you had gradually worked with the earlier bearing down feelings, if things would have been steadier during the birth?

I know early pushing can give people a 'lip', but I am starting to wonder if ignoring important instincts and waiting for 'permission' to push from a professional can also upset the natural processes and do other damage.

What does everyone else think?

Can I just add I had 2nd degree tears after first baby (7lbs), so gory that my fanjo was used as a student demonstration area as they stitched me up (!), and two subsequent water births (8lbs and 9lbs) have resulted in practically no damage to speak of, and a great improvement in the scar tissue, sex after 10 days, etc. I think that specialist OddEyes mentions is possibly onto something here.

Hello lovely Ladies

Hope you're all having a fab weekend
Just wanted to show off my new crimble name :-)

Hello lovely Ladies

Hope you're all having a fab weekend
Just wanted to show off my new crimble name :-)

double post sorry xx

Hey. Here's mine.

Looking Good!!!

Wow, I don't check in for a few days & look at you all chatting away! Wasn't sure if I'd ever finish reading!

I'm very tired (gosh, look at the time - I went to bed, but can't sleep & was getting all upset; more on that later ) but from what I can remember:

Nearly all of you live down south! That's so disappointing! I was hoping that some of you at least would live a reasonable distance from me, but no I'm all alone in Yorkshire & even my internet friends are ridiculously far away. I demand that you all move up here immediately. No excuses

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so confused, frekkles. Well done for telling him, though. That must've been very difficult. But as the others have said, try to remember that 'nice' doesn't make a relationship. Lots of men are nice, but it's impossible to have good relationships with them. & I'm sorry that your DP isn't being as supportive as he should be - it's a high-pressure time for you both & whilst he should definitely be making a huge effort to look after you, I suppose he's dealing with his own issues as well. Fingers crossed he'll come through for you.

I nearly had a seizure when I read about the hospital bags! I hadn't even thought about it yet - in my head it's still about 5 years until I actually have this baby, so trying to think practically about it is really strange. Hospital bags indeed. I've not bought anything for the baby yet at all. January sales shall be my saving grace, I hope.

BoffinMum, your colleague sounds lovely. I want someone like that. I think I should hire a new DP. I was going to say 'but without the sex, obviously', but that's a complete moot point.

& congratulations to everyone else who's had positive scans, etc. & to the lurkers, just post whenever you can, don't worry about keeping up It's just good to know that everything's still okay for you

So yes, here's my whinge, in no particular order:

We went to visit the PIL on Friday (only got back at 6ish tonight) & whilst most of it was positive enough, I did feel a few of the usual MIL-type snubs. Like: "Oh, you're having Christmas alone together? Well, I hope you can cook a good Christmas dinner. He doesn't half love it." - GRR. I wasn't even intending to cook a whole proper Christmas meal. I'll be 25 weeks pregnant, our kitchen's tiny, it costs a lot of money & there'll only be the two of us. I was intending to just do a slightly fancier Sunday roast, but now I feel under scrutiny to do something better. Especially when he's since said, on an unrelated topic, that he'd rather give up presents than Christmas dinner. So yeah, there were a couple of things like that ("Oh, you want that pram? & just how much is that going to cost? I made do with a cheap buggy" & so on - I was so close to pointing out that the pram costs slightly less than the pointless television her darling son bought a few weeks ago on the proviso that I'd get the pram that I want, but I just smiled & said I'd consider it. No point in upsetting the apple cart over silly things.)

Now the sex rant - I notice that whilst I was away, sex didn't come up once. This leads me to believe that I am solely to blame for the gutter-level tone that this thread can sometimes take & for that I apologise. But grrrrr. We had a massive heart-to-heart on Wednesday (I think), in which he said that he doesn't find me any less attractive & that he just wasn't sure if he was allowed to touch me sometimes, because the first few weeks of the pregnancy were so hard on me with 24/7 sickness, etc. & after about 3 hours, we'd cut through the crap & both felt a lot better. I felt reassured that he still wanted me but was trying to do the right thing & he knew that I still want sex & that it's okay to touch me now. So, guess how many times we've had sex since? NONE.

& tonight we went to bed fairly early & I made it clear that I didn't want to sleep straight away. We ended up chatting lots & I found that my bellybutton is really close to popping - it feels so strange that I actually squealed when I touched it, because it was so unexpected. So we were having a good chat & a laugh & were all cuddly & nice. & I brought up my couple of sexy dreams that I've had recently, to start the mood. & he said 'you should be more imaginative with your dreams - it's a bit pathetic that they only ever involve me' & I said that I know that he gets all lusty over other people, but that I don't. & he half refused to believe me, then said 'how strange' & rolled over to try to sleep.

I know it's totally ridiculous to be upset by that, but I'm hormonal & feeling increasingly desperate (in a few ways ) & it just doesn't make sense. Why does he want me to have sexy thoughts about other men? Is this some really obvious man thing that I'm naive to? Or is there a big problem here & he's hoping I'll just stop bugging him for sex? I don't get it.

So I lay there for a while & he could tell that I was a bit upset & asked what was wrong. I said that it didn't matter & he said 'okay' & went to sleep. So I lay there for a while fighting back the tears & decided to just get back up & read what you ladies have been up to to make myself feel better (nice jokes, Nutty ) & to have a bit of a moan. I know that in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal. But I feel now like even though we've had a massive, very open conversation about everything in which I thought we'd solved things, nothing's changed at all. Which makes me think that he was lying, or at least holding back, during that conversation.

& it annoys the hell out of me when I hear him saying things (to his mates, not to me) like 'phwoar, she'd get it' when I'm offering it to him on a plate & getting nothing but rejection. It's making me feel so insecure.

As I say, I'm sorry that I'm moaning again (especially about sex - I know that some of you aren't even allowed it) but I feel like there may be some huge relationship crisis (not only because of this, although this is the recurring issue most recently) & I don't know what to think or do. It probably also doesn't help that I'm so tired & hormonal. I'll almost certainly regret this epic in the morning, but it feels better to have had a good whinge. That's something, at least.

Hope you're all okay & that Monday morning blues don't set in too hard. I'll almost certainly be back tomorrow (although that's all another sob story - my laptop's carked it & I'm on DP's now, but it's so slow & rubbish & I don't know if he'll leave it for me to use during the day tomorrow, so we'll see). Mehhhh. Thanks to everyone who bothered to read this xx

Well... That's quite a post I made right there... Sorry (Also, I keep getting kicked as I'm posting after a fairly quiet day in the bump. I think you all have a fan )

Sprigny- your back!!!:-) i will quite happily come and visit you when i have a fixed back and bump has turned into a bambino hunny, maybe we could meet half way?

some MILs/PILs are put on this earth just to make you feel that you're not good enough for their sons - try to ignore it and also remember - He Picked You!! get whatever buggy/pram you want they are all really expensive anyway so it doesnt really matter as long as you are happy and comfortable using/putting baby in it. your baby, your choice!

Crimble is about family and being together and warmth and happiness ...... you and bump are his family how, if he thinks that a huge crimbo buffet is the way to go then get him to pitch in and help, make it a joint thing? other than that just do a normal roast. if anything you should be putting your feet up and enjoying the smell of turkey while he's getting hot n sweaty in the kitchen

????? at the thinking about other blokes (why would he want you to do that) ok i drool over vin diesel, and a few others and dh cant keep his tongue in his head if scarlett yo...Jo..hansen? (cant spell her name ) or christina aguilera come on the telly ...... but thats just pretend maybe what you have to do is just come out with it and go "Look Love if you do not give me nookie right this minuite i am going to explode! so clothes off, get into bed NOW "

being that direct may just get you what you want

xxxx (hugs)

Hi Everyone,

SpringySunshine - I agree with SantasNuttyTaff - if your dp wants a 'proper' xmas dinner, can't he at least help (I would go so far as to say cook the whole bloody thing himself ). You're the one who needs pampering at the moment! As for the MIL, I think it's an all too common thing for them to think that nobody is good enough for their son/can do things as well as THEY did them when they were young mothers - you always get the "in MY day, we didn't even HAVE nappies, we just patched together cabbage leaves and lined them with moss we collected from caves 50 miles away (on foot)..." etc. etc. I would merely cast my thoughts elsewhere when she makes snarky comments and bite down firmly on my tongue . As for the sex thing, it sounds as though your dp wasn't entirely open in your conversation as his actions since seem to contradict what you discussed. I would try to broach the subject again and ask why, despite the talk you had, nothing has changed. I do like the 'direct' approach that SantasNuttyTaff suggested as well though... More than anything, I hope you don't feel that it is 'you' that is the problem - I have heard from so many friends/relatives that some partners do go a bit 'funny' about sex when their partner is pregnant. I really feel that this is at the core of it - try talking to him again. I really hope things improve for you. As for how far away you are, SURELY you can do some of that 'January Sale' shopping in London If so, I will meet up with you and buy you as many hot chocolates and cakes as you can manage!

BoffinMum - sorry to hear about you having to go on an incapacity benefit. I had to go on sick leave from work at 10 weeks and am getting only 70 pounds a week. Is this the same as what you are getting? I am off to my local JobCentre Plus this week as I am beginning to think my work has screwed me over somehow... I have tried to find out more information but I think I should be entitled to a different benefit because it is pregnancy-related and I was signed off by my doctor until the babies are born. We are finding it very hard suddenly being a one-wage family (I earn more than my dh) and I can't get maternity pay until 11 weeks before the babies are due... Does anyone know anything about benefits if one is made to go off work due to pregnancy complications?

I have my 21 week scan this afternoon and am really looking forward to it. I still feel anxious (you must all be sick of me saying this before every scan!!) because I STILL can't feel any kicks yet. I am still just getting the odd flutter and sometimes a kind of 'shifting' sensation so, yet again, am awaiting reassurance from the scan screen. God I hope everything is ok...

Hope you are all well and that you take time out to do something nice for yourselves today

Love, BarbarellaXX

couldnt get christmas tree so hollytree will have to do (conkertree).

springy - agree with whats been said - he needs to forget past christmasses with his mum and start some new ones with you - including helping out making the christmas dinner. If its just the two of you (and the last time it will be that for quite some time) you could even cook it naked .

also agree that maybe the direct approach is needed - although i know it takes guts incase he really isnt up for it just now (so to speak) - but again not cause of you - just cause of his own hangups about pregnancy.

and mils - dont get me started . i would fill pages on mine so wont, but i spend a large amount of time at pil biting my tongue and sometimes i just want to let it all out and see what happens. but i wont.

barbarella - sorry dont know about the benefits but if you want to complain about your employer, you'll need to make sure you do it soon - the one thing i know about employment law is that there are strict time limits for doing certain things by.

oh and the kicks - i'm a bit down about them too - after feeling the first ones at 13 weeks and really strongly, i now dont feel them regularly at all - just out of the blue now and again, so i am quite nervous about tomorrow.

Barbarella & Hollytree - good luck with your scans :-)

Hollytree & Springy - fancy writing a compilation book about MIL's from hell?, i have one too, i could quite happily lop off her head and pee down her neck (sorry but i could, i dont but goodness only knows how i restrain myself) it may be carthartic?

rant alert (sorry in advance)

Just been on the phone to benefits people WHAT A NIGHTMARE!!!!! have been asked everything but the colour of my knickers!!!!! how people manage to commit benefit fraud is beyond me!!! They need to know EVERYTHING about me and dh......am a total noob when it comes to all this but i have ben on the phone for almost a hour ....nice man let me off and is calling me back so i can get a cup of tea (i will be lucky, i cant feel my legs or bum anymore, had to crawl to phone and then lie on laminate for the duration of the call)

hopefully nice man will be able to get me discount on council tax like he said and sort out my incapacity stuff but its like pulling teeth and i have to do it all again in 6 weeks for mat allowence and surestart grant if i'm eligable (sob) may not bother i dont think i can face it

right painkillers here i come (need prep for round 2)

Oh, it's so good to be back - I missed the sanity of pregnant women. How odd does that sound?

Regarding the Christmas dinner, I don't know what to do. I'm generally really into cooking & baking, & have already bought stuff for baking mince pies, etc. I don't even like mince pies, but I was going to do them for him. But recently I've been wondering if I can face it. Yet I know that I've promised a whirlwind of domesticity & am potentially about to withdraw it all & get really lazy about it. I should probably make the effort. Having said that, we're not even talking at the moment, so I'm not going to worry about it too much right this second

I went back to bed last night & felt a lot better after my huge rant (sorry about that ) & cuddled up to him & fell asleep reasonably quickly because I was so tired. I woke up this morning & was in a perfectly good mood with him - I'd got it all out of my system & knew it wasn't worth arguing about. But he'd woken up whilst I was out of bed & realised that I was off 'sulking' & is now really angry about it. & still going on about how it's strange that I don't dream about other people because I have no control over it.

It probably is a bit strange, but I just don't find other people that attractive. Or at least I do - I can definitely appreciate other men, as he can other women - but I find it difficult to imagine sex with them. Like I can watch sexy men on tv, or in films, & know that I would have sex with them if the circumstances allowed it, but I can't really imagine it very effectively. & I very rarely have sex dreams anyway - even with the pregnancy I've only had 2, both about DP.

I can't help but feel that it kind of is something to do with me, though. My 4 year relationship (aged 14-18) was a constant battle over sex. In the end I had to practically force him into it the first time & probably had sex fewer than 15 times during the whole relationship. I know we were young (& didn't start having sex for a year or so of that time), but nobody else got consistently rejected by anyone at that age, let alone their long-term boyfriend. Teenage boys are meant to shag anything that stays still long enough, but I never had that. & yet I don't think that I'm particularly unattractive... Oh, & the direct approach never works. The very best that I can hope for with that is the 2 minute quick shag that makes him sleepy & leaves me more frustrated. That or rejection

Nutty - I'd love to meet up with you, but I know that your back's a big problem - definitely after you have it sorted, though (& I know that your MIL is pure evil - mine's certainly not that, she's just really annoying. I have to hope that I won't become one of those.)

& Barbarella, I'm totally up for some 'January sales' shopping in London. Even if that pretty much means sitting around drinking hot choccy Anyone else fancy it? Maybe someone can tell me what is so inherently undesirable about me? [hopeful]

Good luck with your scan, Barbarella! Speaking of scans, I was intending to have a private 4D one, because my parents offered to pay for it - or put the equivalent money towards something else. I was really excited about it, but the more I think about it now (especially now that I can feel him so much), the more I think that it'd be more useful to just have the money for nursery stuff, etc. But I don't know if I'd regret it... Does anyone have any advice? Have any of you ever had one of those 4D scans? I don't want to go for it if I'm just going to be left unable to see anything like at the NHS scans. DP always leaves them saying 'oh, did you see when...?' & I never have because the screen was facing away from me.

As for benefits, I have no idea. I've never known anyone to have an easy experience with them. I too am at a loss as to how anybody commits fraud. Criminality obviously requires real dedication

(Haha, on Loose Women they're talking about MILs being horrible to their son's wife. How topical.)

How do I keep making such huge posts? I don't even realise how long they are until I finish. I should just chop my fingers off!

Good afternoon everyone -

Went away for the weekend to visit friends and am just getting my MN fix!

Congrats everyone on their scans - there are so many little girls on this thread now!!!

OK going to try and catch up on everyones posts - sorry if I miss anyone out!

Springy - Agree with everyone else, Firstly on the mother-in-law - whose idea was it to have Xmas together? If your DP really wanted to go home, he would and as for Sunday dinner - I would do just a larger roast anyway - just pile his plate up and he wont care!At the end of the day she is just going to have to get used to the idea that there are other priorities in his life and she is no longer the be-all and end-all! I personally think I am on to a good thing with my MIL in a different country (although am very lucky she is lovely - FIL not so much!)

Re sex: I don't get why you would want to here about your partner with someone else. My DH is quite old fashioned so would throw a fliddy if I spoke about other men in that context so not something I would ever do (even if I was thinking it ). Like others have said, it is not your issue, or nothing you have done, and as for the relationship issue - bar the sex thing is there anything else that is making you worry? If not it's perhaps something you just have to work through), sorry it's the other way round with me where I just don't want it!

As for not having people around you - I seem to be up and down the country every week for one thing or another so am sure will be in sunny yorkshire soon!

Barbarella - I don't know the details but I am pretty sure they can't force you off of work unless they have sickness policies in your contract - check this out:

www.berr.gov.uk/files/file34285.pdf

There is a bit in there which says If you are off work with pregnancy related illness, your employer must pay you in the same way as for any other type of illness. You must not be treated unfairly etc so you will need to know what their sickness absence policy it.

Clairey - Nightmare consultant but good luck - put your foot down at the end of the day you are the one doing it not them!

Anyway back to work now hmmm!!!

Oooh Springy I am up for January sales shopping in London - particularly the hot chocolate part! Although I have to say I think I have started to waddle rather than walk most places and I can no longer get up off the floor without getting on all fours - much to the amusement of my DH and family!

As for Xmas Springy I think bake, see how you feel if you like it carry on, if it doesn't do it for you then stop! I really didn't feel like it last weekend but promise DH and once I had started I really like it!

4D scans - I say put it towards other things! I have seen lots of pics of 4D scans and they all seem to look roughly the same - you def get some great pictures but at the end of the day it will only be a few weeks after that you get to see your little baby boy for real!!! And you know you have that really expensive pram to buy (FYI, I have chosen one that is £350 and I thought that was actually quite reasonable and think safety and comfort is worth the expense!!! so there MIL!)

Springy - theres only one thing for it .......Buy a rabbit (and i dont mean a big eared fluffy thing) and if your dp asks/ gets miffed explain that diy is the way to do due to lack of interest at home and that if he thinks he can do better "then come and ave a go if you think ur 'ard enough"..... pun intended

keep the cash for nursery stuff or put it aside till lilGeorge is born and both of you can go shopping :-)

springy - i never had a 3 or 4d scan so some people might come on and say it was amazing - and I think they do spend lots of time with you etc so you get to see lots, but imo - the baby will be with you in 20 odd weeks time, and then you wont really remember the scan or look at it much cause you have the real thing - so the money could come in very handy elsewhere.

but i'm sure others have had them and loved them.

nutty - will need to read your other threads about you mil and see if there are any similarities.

really didnt want to leave ds today - dont know why - think it was a really hard week last week with illness etc and now we are all back being happy and he was looking so gorgeous today - i just wanted to stay at home with him instead of sitting behind this stupid desk having people moan at me.

oh well at least its lunchtime, then only 3 hours till home time. roll on 5pm.

sorry posts crossed and babybolat/nutty had said it already about scans - oh well 3 opinions against so far.