The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread#5 - 🐧 The Penguin Huddle 🐧

[InDreamland]

This is a safe space and supportive thread for anyone who is pregnant following a loss. We all understand the worry and anxiety that can come from being pregnant again following miscarriage/stillbirth.

Please feel free to join, even if you were not on the TTC thread.

Starting the roll call copied from the last thread (please feel free to add your name or amend if due dates have changed following 12 week scans or booking in c-secs):

@Melpops36, 38, EDD 5/12/19
@Beaglemum93, 26, EDD 22/12/19
@Amanda81, 38, EDD 27/12/19
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, 37, EDD 03/01/20
@Laney79, 40, EDD 06/01/20
@Bluebelltulip, 29, EDD 09/01/20
@KnitKitty, 31, EDD 29/01/20
@Newbie21, 38, EDD 06/02/20
@InDreamland, 39, EDD 18/02/20
@Tina363,29, EDD 26/02/20
@Frillyfarmer, 29, EDD 28/02/20
@Squiff70, 37, EDD end of February (no exact date with twins)
@Strawberry, 28, EDD 08/03/20
@Ginmonkey84, 34, EDD 16/03/20
@DuvetCaterpillar, 34, EDD 27/03/2020
@Navy123, 29, EDD 10/04/20
@Janey15, 34, EDD 16/04/20
@TinyPaws, 22, EDD 19/04/20
@Flyfisherlady, 37, Edd 24/04/20
@FirstTimeMama91, 28, EDD 06/05/2020

Also tagging @boboelephant and @Yukka just to hope they can pop on and update on their rainbows.

Sorry to anyone I've missed 🐧

@Squiff70 huge congratulations on your twins birth, I'm sorry it's so early and it's been such a difficult time for you - I have everything crossed that your babies both continue to get stronger and healthier with each day xxx

Hi ladies, sorry I haven't posted in awhile either, I've also found it difficult to keep up with the thread and trying to manage the anxiety as much as possible. Now I'm just checking regularly to see if there are any updates from @Squiff70, really hope you are doing ok and thinking of you. Xxx

I'm sorry to see some bad news on here @TwinkleStars15, fx your line gets stronger and its not a cp. Also good to see you on here @fnej01 and glad you are keeping well. How are you doing @strawberrye?

I'm 25 weeks tomorrow and it feels like time is going by so slowly. I know I should just be positive and look towards the future, but feeling worried instead. And, this seems quite trivial compared to everything else going on right now on this thread, but I am strangely stressed about buying things for the baby. Does anyone else feel this way? I feel I need to buy the pram and cot whilst its on offer now, but I hate the idea of buying such big items so soon. I haven't spent more than 25 pounds on nursery things thus far (for a nursing chair and a changing table). The idea of spending hundreds of pounds on something makes me feel really nervous. I still can't believe that baby will be coming in March. Feeling a bit more movement now, but still not a lot with the anterior placenta. I'm constantly anxious about movement still, thought it would be better by now...

@sadtoday21 sorry you're still feeling anxious. I'll be 24 weeks on Friday and although I have the obvious worries and doubts that something could go wrong/is wrong with baby I don't feel high levels of anxiety. Though today I will have to admit I had a cry at squiffs news, was such a shock and maybe I'm hormonal or have just become emotionally invested in others pregnancies- I don't know. I won't be buying anything really apart from a new cot as have everything from my nearly 2 year old. Everything will be hand-me-downs. However my firstborn was due on 22nd December and I didn't buy anything until December. Cot was first at beginning of December as had to allow delivery times and then pram. I got the minimum and then I still left it at someone else's house. Buy when you feel comfortable. ❤️

@fnej01 lovely to hear from you on here. Glad pregnancy is going well for you. Hopefully the further along you get the less your anxiety becomes. Although I don't think any of us will be worry free with our histories.

@sadtoday21 25 weeks is fab! Only 15 weeks left! I know the feeling of time going slowly. I feel like this is the longest pregnancy in the world. I've been on off pregnant since end of April last year (although I found out I was pregnant with the first in May). I keep feeling like everyone on here are catching up with me and will overtake me. Crazy I know. I'm another one who hasn't actually bought a single thing yet for baby. I have made progress though, started looking at car seats and booked an NHS antenatal class. Reckon I will start really sorting things out after Christmas as baby due mid-February. I am nervous about getting things, although SIL said to DH not to buy anything as she's got loads of baby stuff she can give us. Maybe subconsciously I'm thinking I won't really need to buy much. I'm still too scared to pick up the bounty pack. Just don't want to jinx things.

@Rubyroost awww having a cry I think is normal, it is an emotional time and yes I do think some of us having been on this journey together for so long, on the TTC and this thread, that we are a little invested in each other's pregnancies. Strange how I have totally different feelings towards all of you than people in RL who have had easy straightforward fertility and pregnancy journeys.

Morning all,

@fnej01 lovely to hear your pregnancy is going okay, sorry about the anxiety though - not sure that will ever really ease for any of us! The thread does move crazy quick doesnt it.

@sadtoday21 you really do not need to worry about buying anything for the baby. I would honestly just hold off, everything can be got from Prime. No one needs a pram for those first few days etc! We wont be buying anything until we have our baby home. The only things I have bought are a few little baby grows and a pregnancy/baby book that I would cherish in a memory box if something was to happen anyway as I cherish those boxes I have of my other children.

I've been a mess past couple days. I am so scared of so many things. I am scared of losing this baby. I am scared this baby will feel like a replacement growing up (if we get that lucky that he grows up). I am scared that I will still only want Roy and not this baby. I feel like I am betraying Roy. I am still thinking daily how I should be dead with him rather than alive without him.

Thanks @Rubyroost I know what you mean about feeling invested, some of us have known each other for more than a year, from the beginning of losses through TTC to now. It's a crazy long journey and it does really bind you to your sisters along the way. This will be the second xmas in a row that I'm pregnant and I'm just so desperately hoping I'll have a baby at the end of this one. Congrats on almost reaching 24 weeks, that's a huge milestone! Are you planning any more scans?

@InDreamland I know you understand my anxiety about buying things! The problem is we need to save money too and I think the best sales are probably now. I might force myself to do it tomorrow. Good for you for signing up for those antenatal classes, I still haven't brought myself to do that. Also really glad to hear your GTT was all clear and you can eat xmas treats! What's your next milestone going to be?

@Twittlebee I'm so sorry you are feeling scared and missing Roy. I can't even imagine how painful that must be. All I can say is that I'm sure you will feel differently when this baby is here, who you will love so deeply and still will never be a replacement. I hope you have someone to talk to in RL about how you are feeling too, even if its just the midwife. They should be giving you lots of extra support right now Xxx.

@Twittlebee thanks hope you are doing well?

@InDreamland
thanks for the well wishes & congrats on third trimester

@sadtoday21 sorry to hear you are still feeling anxious. I just wanted to comment quickly on the buying. I completely get the anxiety but I too want to make the most of sales. I have decided I will take advantage of any good deals on big impersonal items like a chicco next to me. But will leave it boxed and in the garage figuring if all goes wrong I can get DH bung it on eBay or somewhere. I can get my head round that I just can't buy any clothes or toys or things that might feel too personal. Not sure it makes sense.
Travel system wise I have got my best friends silver cross and bought some replacement parts from silver cross again will just eBay if all goes bad... maybe a bit pessimistic but self preservation.

Xx

@fnej01 I like this idea - thanks very much for the suggestion! I think I'll buy the cot and pram on sale and just leave it in the box and hope for the best. I'm with you on the clothes too - don't see a need to buy these things now as they are always cheap and I also feel its way more personal. Seems like a good compromise!

@sadtoday21 I also expect family and friends will do clothes and toys so less need to worry. Try to enjoy the shopping. Xx

Oh @TwittleBee. I am so sorry you are feeling so low and so anxious. I don't really have any advice for you, however I do get (only somewhat) the fear of not loving your baby - I often worry about how I will love this baby as much as my DD (I know its not the same as what you have been through). Everything I have read says that your love multiplies, it doesn't split and nothing has to be shared. The love you feel for Roy will never go away and he will never be replaced. Sending big virtual hugs to you, you are so strong. Please keep posting on here if you don't feel you can talk through these feelings IRL. We are here for you xxx

I must admit I haven't stopped thinking about you and your little fighters @Squiff70. How are you all? I am also not religious in the conventional sense, but I have been praying for you all and will keep you in my thoughts xxx

@fnej01 thanks! You've made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.

One more question for the group: do I need to get a 3 in 1 travel system with carseat if I don't have a car here? Want to get ickle bubba moon pram as seems reasonably priced and high quality, but not sure whether the get the cheaper 2 in 1 (249 pounds) or go for 3 in 1 (299 pounds) with carseat. For context: my car is in the States and I would only use the carseat here for travel/taxi from hospital (but I think I can maybe borrow one from the midwife for this?). I'll bring the pram back to the States later on, but would probably just leave the carseat here. What would you do?

@TwittleBee sending hugs xxxx it's tough but being open about your feelings and honest with yourself is the best way to cope I think. I will freely admit I am totally obsessed with my DD, I look at pictures of her when I am at work or when she is having a nap. I check on her loads when she sleeps. Think about her all the time. I can't imagine feeling this way about another baby. It will happen though. The love doesn't divide, it multiplies!! Just be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time xxxx

Thank you ladies, thankfully I am very open with DH. We had a good talk and cry together last night in bed. We are good at supporting each other. I worry about pestering my midwife too much as I know she has a lot of other women in very similar situations to help too.

@sadtoday21 if you will be using cars over here then may be a good idea to get a carseat - only issue is the isofix base is so heavy if you were to use those, now recommended, car seats? Although legally, taxis do not actually require you to have a car seat for babies or children - they are exempt from this (unless it has changed recently). Good idea to think how you will get baby home though.

@sadtoday21I would get the car seat. I am pretty sure that the hospital/midwife will not lend you one - its not like they have the funds to buy car seats to loan out! I think some taxis may have car seats, many have these for airport transfers, but these are probably best for older babies/children. I would check with some local taxi firms to see what they offer. However, if you just get the car seat without the base you can still strap this in with a seat belt and it gives you more flexibility when it comes to you getting out and about if using taxis or friends'/family's cars.

@sadtoday21 it's normal to worry about buying things after what we've been through. I stressed every time I bought something but I'm glad now I did start earlier because I'd be really stressed now if I hadn't. I would get the car seat if I were you because it's not much more money and could be really useful for taxis etc.

Sorry you're struggling @TwittleBee, it's perfectly reasonable to feel how you do. I'm glad you can be honest about your feelings though.

I've just had another growth scan and baby's weight is estimated at 6lbs 15oz! He's going to be big! They've booked my induction on my due date so I'm really relieved they won't let me go massively overdue and if I have any more episodes of reduced movements they'll bring the date forward. Apparently the midwife can start sweeps from 37 weeks (which is Sunday)! It's starting to feel very real.

@Squiff70 When I heard about your spotting I was concerned about you. I'm very sorry things progressed like this and I'm so hoping that your babies pull through. Incredible work from the unit to keep the twins alive. Please also take care of yourself, I hope you are recovering from the sepsis. Do reach out if you need to talk. You are very much in my thoughts.
@fnej01 it's lovely to hear from you, hope all is well.
@sadtoday21 I totally hear you. I'm not superstitious but I'm still nervous about buying things, it's understandable given our circumstances. I also want to take advantage of the sales. It really helped for me to do the John Lewis nursery tour, which is free. It got me excited and I wasn't under any pressure to buy anything. I've bought a nappy bag from Cath Kidston as they have 40% off. The buggy system I'm holding off for boxing day sales as I'll be over 24 weeks which I would feel more comfortable with. Maybe you could try January sales as I'm sure there will be similar offers?
@Rubyroost I couldn't get any NHS antenatal classes in the end, they are short staffed. I may just youtube everything/do online tutorials. We will move house next year so the social aspect of local groups won't be of any use to me. Hope you're doing ok x
@TwittleBee I'm really sorry, it's understandable given your so recent loss that you feel this way. Definitely don't think you're pestering your midwife- be open. Get the support you need.

@sadtoday21 I know the feeling of not wanting to buy stuff for tempting fate but honestly in those early dates you need very little for baby other than somewhere to sleep and some clothes - as another poster said, everything can be bought on prime.

@Beaglemum93 I can't believe you're almost 37weeks, wow! I wouldn't worry too much about their measurements - I was induced early because my DS was measuring over 9lbs7 and I gave birth to a perfectly average 7lbs8 baby!

@Squiff70 you've also been in my thoughts today, hope you and your twins are all recovering and making good progress.

Well, I've had a shitter of a day. Some maniac in a camper van on the country lanes flying towards me in the middle of the road - I pulled off the road as much as I could but he hit my back end and then carried on going. I saw read, did a u turn and chased him flashing my lights until he stopped. He hadn't realised he had hit be and was very apologetic once I turned into a completely unhinged hormonal pregnant wreck with my DS in the car. My husband is really cross I even went after him, I don't know what came over me - I'm usually so rational and calm. Anyway, I'm fine, baby is wriggling away so no harm down other than a slightly mashed up car.

Go you @Frillyfarmer well done for catching the fucker. Yeah right, bet he knew he'd hit you alright!

Omg @frillyfarmer!! You're much braver than me, I'd have probably just cried! Good on those crazy pregnancy hormones for making you catch him!

Eeeeeee @Beaglemum93! I'm so excited for you! I've also been told I'm still measuring big and I'm just desperate to get my section date now! I hope these last few weeks are uneventful and you're not too uncomfortable.

@TwittleBee I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Please speak to your midwife, you will not be bothering her (or him) that is their job and absolutely should be supporting you. There's also charities that can offer support like Petals or Sands. Think Tommy's offer something too. I have no experience like yours but as others have already said I'm sure the love will multiply and you'll love this new baby as much as Roy.

@sadtoday21 I thought I'd just give it another month and wait for post-Christmas sales as bound to be able to get some bargains there too. Just be ready to hover online when they start (noone wants to brave the crowds when pregnant). I would feel too pressured to buy now and need more time to research the things I will need to buy. I think I'd say still get the car seat as I think it will come on handy for taxis and using family and friends cars. I don't think maternity units have car seats to loan out.

@Beaglemum93 ooh that's scary and exciting all at the same time. Really not long to go now! Stating the obvious I know.

I have some questions ladies which hoping you can help answer without thinking I'm some crazy person, they're just things that I have been randomly wondering as this pregnancy has progressed. After the birth, how bad is the bleeding? How long do you bleed for and is it super heavy? Was just thinking after no period for 9 months that it'll be hideous. So worried about bleeding through everything and having (very limited) visitors. For changing bags, does everyone really buy a purposely made changing/nappy bag? Or can it be any large bag you fancy? Was thinking I'd get use out of a normal large tote bag after baby has grown up whereas I wouldn't from an actual changing bag. I'm sure I'll have more stupid questions over the coming few months and beyond.

@Frillyfarmer you go girl! Go on ya! Glad you didn't let the shit get away with it. Glad baby is ok too. Your adrenalin must have been pumping like mad!

@Squiff70 hope you and your twins are making progress today and are one day closer to coming home with you x

@Indreamland the heavy heavy bleeding doesn't last ages. If you b feed it helps contractions and so the blood comes out quicker. You just need thick pads, you'll be fine with visitors. My bleeding lasted quite a while because of my c section, but it wasn't massively heavy for ages.
I got a free nappy change bag with pram but no reason why you can't use a normal bag.
@sadtoday21 my next scan is at 28 weeks (end of December) , then I think I have another at 32 weeks and 36 weeks, they're all nhs growth scans and done because I am now a geriatric mother.
@TwittleBee, I'm sorry you're going through this, I don't have any productive advice I'm afraid. Apart from you're not better of dead, you're here to look after your little one, who is not a replacement and I am sure you will come to live him/her in his/her own right. Do seek help if you feel you need it though.
@Mistymeow I'm sure you'll learn as much from the Internet as much as you would from the nhs classes? Is it your first?

My only advice regarding a changing bag @InDreamland would be to get or use a backpack. I bought a shoulder changing bag before DD and soon found it annoying with the sling and can't imagine what it would have been like when she was older and walking! I have a BabyMel one which I love and still use (except now it's full of toys as opposed to nappies!) but really any backpack would do. Regarding bleeding I remember mine was quite heavy the first few days but after that bit so bad and can't have lasted more than a week. Definitely get some maternity pads!

@InDreamland for me with DD, the bleeding felt like it had almost stopped by the time I left the hospital a few days later, however it went on and off for 6 weeks, moving around and walking made it worse, but it was like a very light period.

I lost over a litre of blood at the birth though so maybe there wasn't much left after that?! :)

Sorry I meant to say lasted more than two weeks!!! But honestly I can't remember, which shows it can't have been that bad!