The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread#5 - 🐧 The Penguin Huddle 🐧

[InDreamland]

This is a safe space and supportive thread for anyone who is pregnant following a loss. We all understand the worry and anxiety that can come from being pregnant again following miscarriage/stillbirth.

Please feel free to join, even if you were not on the TTC thread.

Starting the roll call copied from the last thread (please feel free to add your name or amend if due dates have changed following 12 week scans or booking in c-secs):

@Melpops36, 38, EDD 5/12/19
@Beaglemum93, 26, EDD 22/12/19
@Amanda81, 38, EDD 27/12/19
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, 37, EDD 03/01/20
@Laney79, 40, EDD 06/01/20
@Bluebelltulip, 29, EDD 09/01/20
@KnitKitty, 31, EDD 29/01/20
@Newbie21, 38, EDD 06/02/20
@InDreamland, 39, EDD 18/02/20
@Tina363,29, EDD 26/02/20
@Frillyfarmer, 29, EDD 28/02/20
@Squiff70, 37, EDD end of February (no exact date with twins)
@Strawberry, 28, EDD 08/03/20
@Ginmonkey84, 34, EDD 16/03/20
@DuvetCaterpillar, 34, EDD 27/03/2020
@Navy123, 29, EDD 10/04/20
@Janey15, 34, EDD 16/04/20
@TinyPaws, 22, EDD 19/04/20
@Flyfisherlady, 37, Edd 24/04/20
@FirstTimeMama91, 28, EDD 06/05/2020

Also tagging @boboelephant and @Yukka just to hope they can pop on and update on their rainbows.

Sorry to anyone I've missed 🐧

@Dimblebimble - regarding annual leave, I think you accrue it - at least that was what my understanding was!

In regards to Mat Leave, just the basic here so 6 weeks at 90% and then SMP. Is so shit, especially as I am the higher earner. But we have decided that we will do shared parental leave so we are not hit too hard. KIT days will help boost the wage too, I shall plan to do 1 a month post the 6 weeks at 90%

We actually have no savings. We bought our first house last year which ate into them as expected, but then we have had a few unexpected issues with the house that ate into more and then it is surprising how expensive it is to have a child in NICU and then have them die - so lost the rest of our savings then. Hoping my bonus will give us a float.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue - sounds like a lush day, enjoy the rest!

@Lozzak87 how did the consultant meeting go?

@Bluebelltulip that must have been scary and can totally appreciate your fears right now - I hope this part towards and over that milestone passes smoothly and as gently on you as possible

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue thanks for the advice. Good point, maybe me and dh need to split my usual monthly contribution to our joint account for the weeks I'm getting SMP or no pay (just realised the SMP only lasts 13 weeks, not the whole time), and pay half each from our respective savings. We haven't really had the conversation yet, as I'm still only 15 weeks, I'm just thinking ahead. I guess I feel annoyed that I'm going to have to put my own savings on hold for a year while I'm on maternity leave (we have separate savings, but all ultimately intended to go towards a new house when we move) but then I feel like I'd be silly to put money before time with the baby when I have the option.

Awwww @twittleBee that's really tough having your little one die in nicu, so sorry. ❤️

Sorry again if I've come across as harsh @Dimblebimble, I just feel like maternity leave isn't a holiday! It's not like you're taking a year off for rest and relaxation, it's bloody hard work 😉 Don't get me wrong, there will be some great times but caring for a baby ain't always a jolly and you will be doing DH a favour by staying off as the baby will benefit from being with you. It really is hard for women - not only do pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and being the primary carer take their toll, but financially we definitely take a hit and I think our careers often do too, just because being a mum really changes our work/life balance. Anyway, you have plenty of time to chat to your DH and it's great you're thinking about this now. I'm sure you'll work out a way that works for you xxx

I just feel like maternity leave isn't a holiday
Oh shit! That's one of the main reasons I got pregnant to have some time out of my shitty job. Oh kidding obvs, but it is a welcome side effect.

Haha hahahaha @Rubyroost! I also can't wait to not be at work but don't tell my DH that 😜😜😜

@Flyfisherlady, sorry to hear about the bleeding, I hope you feel better today. I hate hospitals and only go there when I see it as essential or have an appointment. If you don't want a hospital would go to a private scan somewhere else? To ease your worries.

@Twittlebee, I'm very happy to see you back.

@Bluebelltulip, I hope you don't further reduced movements. I absolutely hated when that happened.

@Rubyroost congratulations on not having an infection or dry socket. I hope you get relief from general toothache? Is that the correct wording for it? Or have I misunderstood?

@strawberrye, with ds3 I started leaking very early around 18 weeks and it mostly coincidence on times I was due a good cry or with random sobbing. But it did slow down at around 30weeks. I however, had ds3 at 33 weeks so I don't know what my body would have done afterwards if I remained pregnant. I uses to wear thick padded bras and smear Vaseline on the inside. So it don't stick to my nipple as breastmilk when dry can stick on the bra. For the days I dared venture out without breastpads.

@TwittleBee amazing news!

I'm taking maternity leave from my due date for a year but I'm using 2 and a half weeks leave before that so I'll finish on the 3rd December at 37+2. I'm not going to lie, I'm counting down the days!

Sorry you've had a scare @Flyfisherlady.

I'll catch up properly later so sorry for anyone I've missed!

Ops, I didn't refresh the page and I see some more posts.

@Rubyroost and MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue you guys are very funny. I'm highly likely to have an other premature birth as last time I had a beautiful birth plan for 35 weeks but life said no to and I had ds3 at 33 weeks so I'm realistically expecting another early birth. So I'm going to take it around 30 weeks. But we can survive on dh wage comfortably and I'm only doing part time weekend job anyway. To help with life little extras and to have my own separate savings. I only took this job after my marriage went through a rocky road, but it is back on the normal road now.

@TwittleBee wow! Amazing news and welcome back! That is a sign this baby is a fighter and meant to be. Fx for a happy and healthy pregnancy now!

@Bluebelltulip glad things are okay but that scare must have been so awful!

Jumping in on the mat leave chat, at moment going 1 week before due date but I can change it depending on how I feel. I have a couple of weeks annual leave which I'll ask to take too so I can actually stop work at 37 weeks which sounds better. It is hard and will depend on your financial situation and what you feel you can do. Some women want to go back sooner and others take the full year then decide not to return at all. Legally you accrue annual leave and bank hols as if you were not off so I intend to add that to the end of my mat leave. At the moment I want the full year but as I earn a lot more than DH that's a massive dent in our income - at least I get 6 months full pay, 3 months SMP and then 3 months nil pay. Hoping I can build up savings (spent a load of it on a much needed new en-suite as it was leaking and that was the only fix just before BFP) but Christmas is an expensive time, but if my spending drops in first 6 months of mat leave hoping I can put enough aside to see us through the next 6 months. SMP sucks, the weekly rate is so low. Figured though that also the last 4 months of full pay is in the new tax year which should drop me down to the normal tax band (I think) and then can I get child benefit? Again a pitiful amount but every little helps. Fully intend using the KIT days when my pay drops after 6 months. I might see how I feel after 6 months and if I feel ready to be separated from Bubsy then I'll ask DH to do shared maternity/paternity and do the last 3 months of my unpaid part, let me return to work and then we have a higher income at least but Bubsy won't need day care until 1 year old. Too many things to consider. I don't really know what to expect but suspect I may not want to leave my baby so soon.

Sorry for the selfish post ladies, I'm so pi553d off. Central line home, got on at Mile End, crammed in at the end of the carriage, can't get near the seats, next stop Stratford where usually a lot of people get off but no luck, barely anyone gets off, thankfully the bloke leaning on the glass at the end of the seats moves so I can at least lean on it. I hope people get off at next stop, the person in the priority seat right next to me does get off but some other woman sits down. So I ask if anyone is able to stand to let me sit, that women and the two next to her just give me a dirty look, so I said "no?" and eventually the woman in the priority seat got up for me. Why are people so rude? @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue do you get a similar reaction?

I start maternity leave next Wednesday, and can't believe I'm saying that. Taking it a bit early as I'm... Like... Moving on Sunday to a different county () so it's fitted in quite nicely and just taking annual leave since yesterday until then.

Growth scan is tomorrow, and midwife is on Friday. I'm starting to get a bit worried the closer I get to 30 week mark (28 tomorrow) but hopefully I won't get preeclampsia again, or at least later on anyway 🤞 Hope everyone's doing okay

Evening all, I hope you're all out enjoying some fireworks or snuggled at home. We're staying home in the warm this evening as I'm exhausted, suffering with a cold and still feeling tired after a late night out on Friday. I actually had a bit of a cry on Sunday at the thought of how busy this week is and how tired I'm feeling 

I'm sooo behind with posts and there's been about a thousand today so I'm giving up and just going to read through today's!

@TwittleBee I'm so glad you're back! Early scans are so unreliable. At 10 weeks I was measured at 5 days behind LMP then at 12 weeks I was dated 5 days ahead!

@Bluebelltulip this must be such an anxious time for you but glad everything's ok.

@InDreamland It must be great to be getting strong kicks now! I'm desperate to feel something now I'm 17 weeks.

@Lozzak87 I'm weeing all the time too! I went 3 times this morning before taking my class on a school trip. By the third time I was thinking I can't possibly need to go again but I really did!

@Dimblebimble I'm planning on taking a year on roughly the same pay as @Rubyroost explains. It will be tight as we are needing to finish our house, move house and get a bigger car but fortunately we have savings for a couple of rounds of ivf in the bank! We've waited a bloody long time for this baby so we'll do what we have to to spend time with it!

@Rubyroost I really can't lie - I am totally looking forward to a break from the stress of teaching! I've felt so trapped at work while unsuccessfully trying to conceive and now have a chance to consider something new in the future. Also really hope ofsted come while I'm off but don't tell anyone I said that!

I'm 17+1 today and feeling quite anxious again after the reassurance of the heartbeat last week. I just feel so overwhelmingly in love with my little bump and don't know how I would ever recover if something went wrong now I stupidly read a scary thread on here yesterday before I really thought about it. I'm also approaching the point where friends experienced a late loss so it all just feels very vulnerable at the moment. Really hoping I feel some movements soon as I think I'm going to struggle waiting for the next scan otherwise!

Oh wow @UnicornsandRainbows1 that's exciting!! Wishing you the best for your mat leave and house move! Xxxx

@TwittleBee my consultant appointment went well, mostly just discussed everything I've been over with my midwife before he asked me about what I was planning for the birth and I said honestly whatever was safest for me and baby I was happy with. I'm actually quite grateful for these extra appointments because I get to ask more questions and get more scans. I can't afford any private scans. He was actually quite shocked that I'd been referred to the clinic because of my high BMI I think he was expecting me to be larger than I am.... I'm just very short and I carry some extra weight!

As for mat leave I am planning on officially going at 35 weeks but taking 2 weeks annual leave before as I have two weeks left to use up. I have a meeting with my manager next week to discuss the finer details. I am the main earner so don't know how we will manage if I take a year, but I do know my annual leave re-sets in April (the month I'm due) so hopefully I can make the most and use that up to supplement money. I'm also planning on moving NHS trusts as I currently commute down to London and stay down in staff accommodation for my shifts... Which won't be appropriate when the baby is here. Again something I need to look into properly, I have some old work colleagues that changed trusts during mat leave so may well ask them for advice.

So much to get my head around!! 😳

I hope you all have had a good day, with as little stress as possible xxx

@janey15... Nearly peed myself on the bus home from my appointment today.. Not fun so bumpy and traffic was terrible!! The consultant re-assured me that peeing this much is normal as the hormones make the ureters "loose and floppy".... Brilliant 😂👍

Morning all, just catching up. So so happy to see you back @TwittleBee

@InDreamland that sounds such a shit commute. I'm in London next week for work and dreading it - I'm staying quite a long way out as well this time which I'm annoyed about! People can be so rude, and it's always really horrible having to ask people to move for you - I wish more people would just be human and kind!

With regards to mat leave, I'm currently working upto my due date, but I will have the flexibility to work from home when I'm further on. My company offer 6 months full pay and then 3 months SMP so I will probably take 9 months and use a few KIT days after 6 months. I did this with DS and it worked out well. After the drama with my promotion I am really looking forwards to a break from work to be honest. I'm senior management in a few earning roll and the heavy targets and quarter ends are really dragging me down at the moment. I think after this mat leave I will look to leave corporate real estate and go client side instead! I wanted to do it ages ago but decided I might as well hang in here for the maternity perks but obviously on top of all the stress and upset of the MCs, it's just compounded my misery of work life as a fee earner this year!!

@UnicornsandRainbows1 that's so exciting! Hope that all goes well.

@janey15 hope that cold goes soon! I'm suffering with you! Had one since Sunday. Fx you start to feel movements in the next 3 weeks.

@Lozzak87 glad your consultant appointment went well.

@Frillyfarmer hope you don't have the same tube journey issues I've had. TBF majority of the time people are nice and I'm so grateful but it's the minority which upset me. Your job and employer sound stressful.

So ladies after a good day of plenty of movements yesterday during the day from after my journey home on the tube and midnight I didn't feel anything. Not normal for the past week at least, I normally feel something after dinner then again just as I'm in bed. 6 hours I worked it out to be, started panicking so at midnight called Maternity unit and they said to pop in for a reassurance check. Thankfully heard HB and midwife actually felt some movement which I couldn't feel. What a relief. She said baby probably has just moved position and that patterns should be from 28 weeks although can be from earlier. She was so lovely, gave me a hug as I was in tears and reassured me we'd done the right thing going in though and to make sure I always call if I get worried about movements again. Of course though when I got into bed after hospital the kicking started! I have my 25 week check up this afternoon although this is with GP rather than midwife. Hopefully there's no concern about size of bump this time. I'm so tired now. Feeling like an emotional wreck at the moment. Grateful Bubsy gave me a good kicking this morning though and kicking/punching me now on the tube.

Well ladies, thank you for your company up to this point. Unfortunately private scan this morning showed no heartbeat at 10 weeks. Must have stopped at some point in the last couple of days.

This is my third miscarriage post 8 weeks development and I just can't do it again so it will be the end of the road for me. Wishing you all the best on the rest of your journey x

@SunshineCrocodile so sorry to read your news, sending you my love and please look after yourself.

@SunshineCrocodile I'm very sorry for your loss. Take good care of yourself

@SunshineCrocodile I am so very sorry to read your news. Make sure you take care of yourself . Sending you my love

@SunshineCrocodile that really is so shitty. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this again. Sending lots of thoughts and a virtual hug. X

oh @SunshineCrocodile I am so so so sorry for your loss - it is beyond shit

I'm gutted to read your update @SunshineCrocodile. There really are no words, life is so incredibly unfair. Sending a big virtual hug. Please be kind to yourself xxx

I’m so sorry @SunshineCrocodile it is so unfair. No words xxxxx